Michael Che[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There are pictures of dogs and Colombian flag at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A Columbian veterinarian has been charged with allegedly smuggling heroin inside of puppies. This according to the very dark sequel to the “Secret Life of Pets.”[Cut to Michael Che There’ a picture of Kim Jong-Un and Moon Jae-in at right top corner.]
Michael Che: During the historic summit between Kim Jong-Un and the leader of South Korea, Kim Jong-Un brought his own personal toilet to the meeting. Worse, the toilet was an uncle who betrayed him.[Picture changes to Kanye West] [looks at Kanye West’s picture] Pass! [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of 7Eleven at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: As 7Eleven in California is trying to keep people from begging for money outside of the store by loudly playing classical music. Unfortunately, it’s only making the vagrants smarter.[Picture changes to a police car]
A man in Kansas was arrested after he was caught having sex with a tailpipe of a car. The sex was described as “exhausting.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a police car at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A California man was arrested after being accused of waterboarding his wife. Still no word on where the remote control is.