Beck Bennett
Dan Levy
Cecily Strong
Ego Nwodim
Kenan Thompson
Alex Moffat
[Starts with people walking out of a restaurant]
Beck: Are you serious? It’s the super bowl and your TV is broken?
Waiter: Yeah. I just got off with the owner. He’s coming down with another flat screen right now.
Waitress: I told Lee to buy a new TV.
Ego: How long is it gonna be? I have 500 bucks on this game.
Waitress: Guys, it’ll be back on before the second half.
Kenan: So what? We’re gonna be sitting here in silence until he shows up with a new TV?
Waitress: Well, I mean we could, I don’t know–
Waiter: I guess we could sing football songs.
Waitress: Oh. That’s a cute idea. We can sing football songs.
Waiter: Yeah. Everyone loves football songs.
Beck: What are football songs? Give me an example.
Waiter: Well, “Hot Damn” is one.
Alex: “Hot Damn” is one what?
Waitress: A football song. They played every Super Bowl. You will know it.
Ego: Wait, are you thinking of [humming] da-da-da-da-da?
Waiter: No. I’m not thinking about that. Why would I be thinking about that one? I said I was thinking of “Hot Damn”.
Beck: Well, I have never heard of it.
Waitress: Yeah. You have though. It goes something like00
[singing] Hot damn, I want to score the winning goal
Waiter: You will, you will put through the football hole
Waiter and Waitress: It’s a foot, it’s a ball, we just won,
Oh my god, hot damn!
Kenan: Okay.
Waiter: So, you do remember?
Kenan: No. I do not. I remember what you just did. And I will remember that for a while. But I do not remember it as a song.
Ego: And what is a football hole?
Waitress: I don’t know. It’s a song.
Waiter: I’m sorry if we’re not entertaining you enough.
Waitress: Yeah. I guess we could all just look at porn on our phones.
[Alex is reaching out for his phone.]
Beck: No, sorry. You’re right. [Alex stops himself] It was good.
Waitress: Well, that’s not even the whole thing.
Waiter: I know. It’s like, a fraction of a larger song.
Ego: Got it.
Waitress: I mean, if you’re literally begging us to sing it–
Alex: Uh, we’re not.
Waitress: Hot damn, you’re a chief and I’m a buc
Waiter: Not friends, but I don’t really give a… what?
Waiter and Waitress: So we run and we buc and we kiss and we love hot damn
Ego: Okay. You’re wearing dance shorts.
Waitress: Yeah. Well, it’s a sports bar.
Kenan: Near broadway. Are you two from broadway?
Waiter: No. We’re not from broadway. They want us to look sexy and I think we’re doing it.
Alex: Okay. So, this song is about two football players who kiss?
Waiter: I think they’re just excited because they won the game.
Beck: But they are not on the same team.
Waitress: Who is not?
Beck: The people.
Kenan: This song is not good.
Waitress: You know what? I think that’s probably because we’re stopping and starting.
Waiter: Yeah. We’re leaving too much room for people to interject with their thoughts.
Waitress: So, since you’re literally begging…
Kenan: We’re not though.
Waitress: If I don’t score a touchdown right now
I swear that I’ll eat my bra
Waiter: You gotta give the ball on the square
Waiter and Waitress: Oh, don’t get mad at us, puts on the bus
smack you ahead.
Kenan: We don’t know this song.
Waitress: You do.
Beck: We don’t. Unless it’s something like…
[singing] Hot damn, I’m in the zone
Ego: Hot damn like Tim Tebow
Alex: So we pun and we kiss and we love
and that’s slight too damn
Kenan: No!
Waiter and Waitress: If I don’t score a touchdown right now
I’ll touch your back in the car
Beck,Ego and Alex: The cheerleaders are calling to say
All: Were tired and here’s what we did,
we ran away.
[all run behind the bar]
Waiter: Tap break behind the bar.
Kenan: I am on Google right now and there’s exactly one song called “Hot Damn” and it was released in twothousandtwo by hiphop duo Clipse. It is not this song. This song is not real and those taps are not real.
Waitress: Well, maybe these tap hats and canes will help you remember.
Kenan: They will not!
All: Call in special teams, know who I mean
get in the game
All: Hot damn like Tim Tebow
and we rush and we kick and we puc
and we sing and we sing
and we dance and we kiss
hot damn
Ego: I guess we did remember that song.
Beck: Hey! This TV is unplugged. You just wanted to do your number.
Waitress: Yeah. And if you tell anyone, we’ll kill you.
Waiter: We’ll kill all of you.
Waitress: Okay, now let’s do it again. And really sell at this time.
Kenan: Hell, I knew y’all was a–