Kaylee … Aidy Bryant
Janetta …Kate McKinnon
Crystal … Cecily Strong
Jean … Phoebe Waller-Bridge
Gerald … Beck Bennett[Starts with a clip of Buddy’s State Line Bar] [Cut to the bar. There are two ladies yelling at other people.]
Mikey Day: Hey, hey, hey, I know you all are regulars but you’re getting too rowdy, okay? And your friend is dancing too wild, [Cut to Kate McKinnon Dancing wild on the jukebox] all right? I’m getting complaints.
Kaylee: Oh, okay. What is this, the Ritz-Carlton? What’s wrong with Janetta? What’s up with you, Janetta?[Cut to Janetta]
Janetta: I met by my ex-boyfriend.[Cut to three ladies]
Kaylee: What? That’s the only kind of good boyfriend there is.
Kaylee: So, which one?[Cut to Janetta]
Janetta: Gerald. From the guitar center.[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]
Kaylee: Oh, the one we all slept with and now hate.
Janetta: Yeah.[Cut to everyone]
Kaylee: Oh, Jenny! Where have you been?
Jean: Hell, good! [Cut to Janetta and Jean] My brother Tren just got out of three nights’ prison, left the police to seat middle at in the yard he had planned with. He did a big old surprise with a dynamite.[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]
Crystal: Sheet metal is no doubt.[Cut to Janetta and Jean]
Janetta: I tried to throw a piece of sheet metal on my ex-boyfriend. And I guess wind got underneath it, blew that sucker, bow, right back in my face.
Jean: Screw him. You don’t need no man. None of us do. Look at us. We want love? We can find it.[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]
Kaylee: Oh, yeah! Piece of cake.[Cut to Janetta and Jean]
Jean: Don’t say nothing about cake to me today.[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]
Crystal: Why, Janey girl?
Jean: I tried to get a cake today [Cut to Janetta and Jean] at Walmart. They wouldn’t write on it what I wanted on it.[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]
Crystal: What you want on that cake?
Kaylee: Oh, yeah! Piece of cake.[Cut to everybody]
Jean: A threat?[A man walks by. The girls are checking him out.]
Kaylee: That’s Gerald from the guitar center.
Jean: He got some nerve, walking in here looking like sex on a stick on his tight jeans.[Cut to Gerald drinking beer at the bar]
Janetta: You know what? I don’t are. [Cut to the ladies] I’m not bothered by him at all.
Crystal: Yeah, me neither.[Cut to Gerald]
Gerald: Hey, ladies.[Cut to the ladies. They are yelling at Gerald.] [Cut to Gerald]
Gerald: Um, soak it in ladies. Take in all my sexy. It’s not my fault y’all fell in love with this. I would too.[Cut to the ladies]
Crystal: No, don’t even try to smooth this over.
Gerald: Hey, I told you, [Cut to Gerald] monogamy wouldn’t work in my world.[Cut to everybody]
Gerald: Girls, I’m sorry. But I want to give this piece of trash a whole mess of pain.[Other ladies are hooting for her] [Cut to Jean and Gerald]
You act like I said bad things, okay? I miss you. You smell so good, it’s like menthol cigarettes and bar lines. Which one of us do you like best? Please say me. [Jean punches Gerald] Well – Kaylee, your turn.[Cut to everyone. Jean takes the seat and Kaylee walks to Gerald]
Kaylee: Okay, I hope you live through this.[Other ladies hooting for her] [Cut to Kaylee and Gerald]
Did you get my email? Where I gave you my work schedule with all my little lunch breaks? Because I was hoping we could squeeze out a little quicky during one of those times. Because I miss your beefy fingers.[Kaylee hits Gerald with a bottle on his head]
But yeah, yeah, [Cut to everybody] I hope that this gives you a headache just for all the ones you gave me.[Janetta walks to Gerald]
Janetta: All right. This is my turn. [Other ladies hooting for her] [Cut to Janetta and Gerald]
Hey, act like I’m choking you. Remember when we walked out on the dock? And you said, “Look.” And I did. And it was the – and I laughed about it. And you kissed my laughing open mouth? Well, I want that back, man. You’re dead to me. [Janetta hits Gerald with a bullseye board] Crystal, finish him off.[Cut to Crystal bringing up a guitar to hit Gerald]
Crystal: Yeah. Yeah! [Crystal hits Gerald with a guitar and breaks it] Oh. Hey. Hey. You remember what we talked about the night you left me? I changed to my mind, okay? I will give you a backstage pass. Now get lost and stay there.[Cut to everybody]
Kaylee: We showed his ass ladies.
Crystal: That, we sure did.
Janetta: To sisterhood.
Jean: Well, I got to get out of here. I got a date with your son.
Kaylee: Okay, have fun. Tell him I folded his laundry.[Ends with a video clip of Buddy’s State Line Bar]