Mike… Bowen Yang
Danica… Ego Nwodim
Jake Cook… Kyle Mooney
Josh Allen… Mikey Day
K.L. Fitzroy… Kenan Thompson
Raquel De Leon… Melissa Villaseñor[Starts with video clips of Nintendo]
Female voice: 35 years ago, Nintendo released the first Super Mario Bros and made video game history and to celebrate this landmark anniversary, we ask fans, young and old, about their first Mario memories.[Cut to Mike]
Mike: I was only like, four or five when I first played my first Mario game but I was immediately hooked. Mario made me fall in love with video games.[Cut to Danica Mann]
Danica: I remember getting the first sales report when the first Mario came out and my jaw dropped. We broke every industry record on the first day of sales.[Cut to Josh Allen and Jake Cook]
Josh: Jake and I rode our bikes to Target to buy Mario 1 and we rode so fast.
Jake: We were like, passing cars like, “Move, people! We gotta play Mario!” Never peddled faster.
Josh: Yeah. Or maybe too fast because Jake caught major air off this little jump off and when he hit the ground, he missed the seat and landed with all his weight on to the cross bar and he demolished his nuts.
Jake: I didn’t demolish them.
Josh: Yeah, you did. They popped.
Jake: Popped? That’s not even– You’re the most random guy I’ve ver met. My first Mario memories are amazing. Remember?
Josh: Alright. For the record though, they definitely popped. Like, we heard them pop. Your eyes rolled back so they were all white and you screamed, “Popped! They popped!”
Jake: Okay. They popped. The point is Mario is an amazing game.[Cut to K.L. Fitzroy. He is shocked by what he just heard.]
K.L.: I’m sorry. Forgive me. I’m at loss of words after that horrifying story about that man’s nuts. Maybe we should let the dust settle on that before I start talking about Mario.[Cut to Raquel De Leon]
Raquel: I’m sorry. They heard them pop?[Cut to Josh Allen and Jake Cook]
Josh: You remember the day you beat Mario 1?
Jake: Yeah. We were at my house or your house?
Josh: We were in the hospital. Jake was recovering from surgery to, I don’t know the medical term, but rebuild his nuts. But it was unsuccessful.
Jake: It wasn’t unsuccessful.
Josh: Yeah. Yeah, it was. They told Jake it was like, trying to put a watermelon back together after it was dropped off a 10 storey building.
Jake: Yeah. Back to Mario, though. Greatest of all time.
Josh: Yeah. It was the only thing that made him forget that they had to remove his nuts.
Jake: Alright. Stop talking about that.[Cut to K.L. Fitzroy]
K.L.: Please change the order so that I don’t directly follow those two? I’m begging you. I mean, I can’t wax nostalgic about Mario one second after hearing about how that boy was neutered.[Cut to Raquel De Leon]
Raquel: No, thank you.[Cut to video clips of Mario Bros.]
Female voice: More Mario adventures followed but one shattered records and set a new standard for games. Super Mario Brother’s 3.[Cut to Josh Allen and Jake Cook]
Josh: The day Mario 3 came out is burned into my memory.
Jake: Mario could fly. I was–
Josh: Back in the hospital.
Jake: Was I?
Josh: Yeah. You had emergency surgery. There was some sort of infection I guess and they had to remove everything from Jake’s groin and what was described to me at least as a sanding down of his pelvic area.
Jake: I don’t remember them saying sanding down.
Josh: No. They did. I walked into Jake’s recovery room with Mario 3 and he said–
Jake: It’s on!
Josh: No. You said, “Nothing’s down there anymore. I’m smooth like a barbie. I’m smooth like a barbie. I’m smooth like a barbie.”
Jake: What? Hey, where do you come up with these stuff?
Josh: You said it. We played Mario 3 non-stop.
Jake: We were Mario maniacs.
Josh: We played everyday. Except the days Jake had physical therapy to relearn how to pee.
Jake: It wasn’t a big deal.
Josh: No, it kind of was, though. Jake now pees through a small hole just below his belly button. [a made up picture of Jake on a toilet bowl laying horizontally appears on the screen] So, he has to lie horizontally faced down and basically plank the toilet.
Jake: How do you have a picture of that? Just out of curiosity.
Josh: Through it all though, Mario was there and he’s still here making us smile again and again.
Jake: Okay. So, where will all this air? Just so I know.[Cut to K.L. Fitzroy]
K.L.: It was a simple request. I do not wish to follow those two. Go to hell.[Cut to Nintendo message clip]
Female voice: Happy 35th anniversary, Mario! With you, the fun never pops! Ah! I mean stops. Sorry.