Amelia… Cecily Strong
Kenneth… Benedict Cumberbatch
Christian… Alex Moffat
Henry… Mikey Day
[Starts with show intro]
Male voice: We now return to Lansdowne house.
[England, 1914]
[Alex walks in a room where Ben and Cecily are there.]
Christian: Amelia, Kenneth.
Amelia: Christian, what a marvelous surprise. My brother in the flesh. Well, why of all you’re here?
Kenneth: Shouldn’t you be away in Cornwall?
Christian: I’ve left Cornwall. I have something I must tell you.
Amelia: Let us hear it over tea. Henry, fetch the tea, please.
Henry: Yes, ma’am.
Christian: You see, the Great War has come to England and all of us must fight.
Amelia: No.
Christian: I felt duty bound to do my bit.
Amelia: No. Christian, no. [loses her balance]
Kenneth: Your sister has health spells. Amelia, to the fainting couch.
Christian: So I’ve made a decision. I’m off to war.
Amelia: No.
Henry: Tea, ma’am.
[Amelia spills tea all over the floor]
Kenneth: Look what you’ve done.
Christian: Oh, heaven.
Kenneth: She has missed the couch. Henry, fetch the elixirs.
Henry: Yes, sir.
Amelia: Oh, I’m terribly sorry. It seems I’ve had a tiny spell.
Kenneth: More than a tiny one, my dear. You have a foot?
Amelia: Oh, I’m perfectly fine. Oh, Christian, it’s you. I just had the most frightful dream that you could go in a war.
Christian: That was no dream, Amelia. It’s true. I’m joining the 11th Azores. I’ll be on the front lines.
Amelia: The front lines? Oh, no. What’s happening?
Kenneth: Oh, Amelia. Please. To the couch, my love. Come this way.
Christian: I’m sorry, but she must hear the truth, that I shall leave Cornwall to see glory on the battlefields.
Henry: The elixirs, ma’am.
[Amelia falls and spills all the elixirs]
Kenneth: She’s missed the couch again.
Christian: Again? How?
Kenneth: Well, we need to study her nerves. Henry, don’t just stand there. Bring the sherry. As many courses as you can cut it.
Henry: Of course sir. And don’t worry sir, I’m fine.
Amelia: Oh, heavens. I’ve had a spell.
Kenneth: Don’t concern yourself my dear. Your bluffing brother, it’s his fault for telling us like this.
Amelia: Oh, Christian, there you are. You can still change your mind. Go back to Cornwall. Forget all this war madness.
Christian: No Amelia. The die is cast. You see, I’ve already enlisted.
Amelia: What? Oh! [she’s losing balance again]
Kenneth: This way, my dear. Oh, trash, she went the other way.
[Amelia pulls out the curtain and throws the light stand. Then she bashes everything on the cupboard.]
Christian: She is putting on quite a show, isn’t she?
[Amelia breaks the flower vase]
Kenneth: How dare you? She could die.
[Amelia is walking around the room funnily breaking things]
Christian: Why are you just watching?
Kenneth: It must run its cost. Steady now. Steady now. Steady.
Christian: Oh, come now. She just stepped and rolled right over the couch.
Henry: Your sherry, ma’am.
Amelia: Oh, thank you, Henry. I think I’ll pass. [spilling all the wine he’s brought] Yes, I’m fine.
Kenneth: Splendid. Let’s reinvigorate your constitution. Henry, bring us some soup. Piping hot.
Henry: Piping hot soup. Yes, sir.
Kenneth: Now my dear, are you all right?
Amelia: Yes, I’m perfectly fine. I seem to have a tiny cut on my hand.
Kenneth: Is that blood? Oh! [now Kenneth is losing balance feeling dizzy]
Henry: Soup is ready sir. [Kenneth runs around funnily around Henry] Oh, no. No, please, sir.
Kenneth: Yes. [Kenneth hits the soup bowl and spills it all over Henry and falls down] [he stands again] I’m terribly sorry. Look, the fits run in both our families, you see? Ever since we had a tiny bout of inbreeding for the past 500 years.
Christian: Ah, so these spells could happen to me? I could have them? Well, perhaps I should not go to war then.
Amelia: Oh, yes, marvelous.
Kenneth: This calls for a celebration. Henry, bring out the champagne that are priceless Faberge eggs.
Henry: Yes, sir.
[Amelia, Kenneth and Christian start dancing around]