Ancent… Cecily Strong
Lieutenant Jericho… Chris Hemsworth
Sasheer Zamata
Kenan Thompson
[Starts with a clip of space ship]
Male voice: The year 3041. After a difficult journey across hyperspace, the crew of the S.S. Orion find their safety compromised by the actions of reckless captain.
[Cut to inside the space ship]
Ancent: Lieutenant Jericho, we have to do something about captain. She’s out of control.
Jericho: What is it Ancent, do you have problems taking orders from someone who isn’t a human?
Ancent: Of course not. I don’t care what species she is. But her decision to make that last hyperjump could have abruptly damaged the ship.
Jericho: She is in command and you need to accept that.
Sasheer: Captain Bulay’s on the bridge.
[Everyone turns to the door and salutes]
[The door opens. Captain is a chicken.]
[Cut to Ancent and Jericho]
[The chicken makes chicken noise]
Jericho: Yes, captain! Right away.
Ancent: Jericho, just promise to speak to her. She’s acting erratically.
Jericho: It’s not that simple.
[Cut to the chicken sitting on a captain chair.]
[Cut to everybody]
[The chicken makes chicken noise]
Jericho: Okay, you heard her. Take us into the Zeta-quadrant.
Sasheer: That’s suicide. It’s full of Trulithian mines.
Jericho: Set the course.
Sasheer: Yes, lieutenant.
Kenan: That’s certain death.
Ancent: This madness has to stop. I’m turning us around.
[chicken noise]
[Cut to Ancent walks to the chicken]
No, this has nothing to do with you being a chicken and us being humans, okay? We have been a good crew to you.
[chicken noise]
I am very aware. The chickens have evolved into a higher intelligent species than humans. I am fine with that.
[chicken noise]
What did you call me?
Jericho: No, no. Take that back Emily. Take that back. For god’s sake, this isn’t like you.
[Ancent looks at Jericho in shock]
Ancent: Emily? Oh, I see. How long have you two?
Jericho: Two years. Ever since academy.
[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]
Kenan: I knew he was dating that chicken. I just knew it.
[Cut to the chicken and Jericho]
Jericho: Okay, Emily. Look at me. Please, please, look at me. Just turn your head this way. That’s it, that’s it. I’ll give you a hand, look at me. Okay, don’t look at me. Just give me your hand. Okay, don’t worry. Listen, I remember the first time I saw you. You were sitting at the bar by yourself. eating pizza. And I said, “Dang, little thing like you couldn’t possibly finish off that pie by herself.” But eight hours later, you probed me wrong.
[chicken noise]
Ha-ha-ha. There’s that laugh I love. Come on! Come on! Hey, hey. Let’s tun this ship around.
[ship alarm goes off]
[Cut to everybody]
Sasheer: Captain, the chord’s over heated. Probability of melt down is 82%.
Kenan: We have to get to the escape pod.
Jericho: No, no. Wait, we’ll never it to the pods. They’re all the way over that way.
[chicken noise]
No, do not even say that. Don’t even suggest that.
[chicken noise]
Sasheer: She’s right. She’s the only one who can fix the chord.
Jericho: Why does it have to be her? I could do it.
Ancent: No, Jericho, you’re too big. You’ll never fit inside. Let her go. It’s the only chance we have.
[chicken noise]
Jericho: Okay, okay. Emily, okay. [Cut to Jericho and the chicken] Com here. [chicken noise] I know, I know. Listen, once you enter the core, you’re gonna have 20 seconds to repair it and get the hell out of there. alright? You get out of there, alright? I love you.
[Jericho puts the chicken inside an oven.]
Ancent: Good luck in there.
[Cut to the chicken inside the over.]
[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]
Kenan: It’s working. She’s doing it. She’s doing everything she’s supposed to do.
Sasheer: Course stabilized. We’re going to be okay.
[Cut to Ancent and Jericho]
Jericho: Okay, Emily, you did it. Now get out of there.
Ancent: Jericho, she can’t. There’s no handle on the inside.
Jericho: Well, I’ll just open it.
Ancent: No! There’s too much radiation. She knew that going in. She sacrificed herself for us.
[The oven timer sound beeps]
[audience laughing]
[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]
Kenan: She’s done.
[Cut to Ancent and Jericho. Jericho is very emotional.]
[Ancent opens the oven and takes out the roast on a plate.]
Jericho: Can I… Can I have a moment with her please?
Ancent: Of course. But, then we’re gonna eat her, okay? Because she smells so good. And she was such a bitch.
[Sasheer and Kenan walk in. They have napkins on their collars ready to eat.]
Kenan: Except at the very end of course, so noble. [Kenan pokes the roast with the fork] And cooked to perfection!
[cheers and applause]