Spencer… Bowen Yang
Tiffany… Heidi Gardner
Psychic… Kate McKinnon[Starts with visitors walking in the psychic’s place]
Spencer: Oh my god, this place is so cool.
Anne: I know. I always wanted to get a psychic reading.
Tiffany: My god, is anyone here? I really want to get one.[The psychic walks in]
Psychic: You want to see the future? Sit and I will tell you what lies ahead [the visitors take seats] for Madame Vivelda knows all.
Ego: Oh yes, that would be great.
Tiffany: Yes, this year has been so insane and hard. We kind of want to skip ahead and just see what next year holds instead.
Spencer: Yeah. 2019 has sucked but I think 2020 is going to be our year.
Psychic: Um, okay. Who wants to go first?
Tiffany: I’ll go. [Psychic starts reading Tiffany’s palm] Madame Vivelda, things are getting kind of serious with my boyfriend and I’m curious if you see us moving in together next year?
Psychic: Okay. Let me see. Let me look. Okay, yes, I see you. You are in your home and your boyfriend is there. Yes, you are there in the home you share together. Okay. Yes, I see he is washing a bag of doritos with soap and you are screaming at him. You’re crying and you’re screaming. You’re screaming, “That’s not enough soap. You need to use more soap. I don’t want to get it from a bag of chips.”
Tiffany: What? Get what from chips?
Psychic: The vision is gone. Who wants to go next?
Tiffany: Wait, I still want to know why I’m washing chips next year.
Anne: Madame Vivelda, I’ll go. I’m sort of up for a big promotion in March and I’m wondering if you see anything work related for me.
Psychic: Yes, okay. Let me see. [Psychic starts reading Anne’s hand] No. I do not see work. I see you on the phone with a man from FedEx and you are crying. You’re saying, “Where is my adult coloring book? I need my adult coloring book.”
Ego: Wait, Anne, do you color?
Anne: No, of course I don’t color.
Ego: It’s okay if you do.
Anne: I don’t color. Her psychic vision just must be off. It doesn’t sound anything like me. I like going to museum and concerts and stuff like that.
Psychic: No, no. I see no concerts in 2020. Only coloring. Monday, coloring. Tuesday, coloring. All the days, coloring. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Okay, who’s next?
Spencer: I guess me, but I don’t know if I want to go anymore.
Anne: Yeah. I mean, let’s just get out of here.
Psychic: No, no. [pointing at Spencer] You, you. Give me your palm. I actually sense a lot of fun travel in your future.
Spencer: Oh, you do? Okay, good. Actually, me and my boyfriend are planning to fly to Paris in May.
Psychic: Ah, that’s fun. But no. I don’t see you flying to Paris. I see you driving to Kentucky. Yes. And you are peeing inside a bag in the car because you are afraid to use the gas station bathroom. So, you pee in the bag, he pees in the bag and on and on until Kentucky
Anne: Wait, why does he go to Kentucky?
Spencer: Yeah. What do we do in Kentucky?
Psychic: Ah, let’s see. Yes, yes. Okay. Oh, on the first day, you notice a small rash on your finger and you spend the day crying and googling ‘is rash on finger part of it?’
Spencer: Part of what?
Ego: Oh my god. All your vision mentions us crying. Do we just cry for all of 2020?
Psychic: No, not always. For example, [pointing at Anne] I can see you on your birthday and you’re very happy. You get everything you asked for.
Anne: Oh, I do? What do I ask for?
Psychic: Stamps. You ask everyone in your life to buy stamps and they do. They all buy the stamps and you say, “Take that postmaster General Louis DeJo.
Anne: What? Why do I know the full name of the postmaster general in 2020?
Spencer: Okay, girls, listen. I know a lot of this sounds scary but hey, we all still have each other next year, right?
Psychic: Oh. My poor Spencer. No, you won’t. Because in June, you will do something so terrible, your friends will never speak to you again.
Spencer: Oh my god. What do I do? You eat inside a restaurant.
Anne: Hey, that’s it?
Ego: He just eats in a restaurant and we cut him out of our lives completely?
Spencer: Okay, I don’t know why it’s bad but I’m so sorry I do that, girls.
Girls: No, we’re sorry.
Psychic: No, no. What is this? I am seeing one final vision and it is very dark. Who here is Tiffany Tuban?
Tiffany: I am.
Psychic: Yes. I am seeing your father, Tiffany. And he’s on a Zoom and his wiener’s out on the Zoom.
Tiffany: What? What even is a Zoom?
Psychic: I do not know but your father is definitely on it and his wiener is definitely out and it’s not a great wiener, Tiffany. Eh! No, actually I see it’s getting harder. It’s actually fine.
Anne: Okay, we gotta go. This is too much.
Psychic: Okay, but girls do me a favor. If any of you see J.K. Rowling, please tell her stick to the books.