Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Peloton logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A popular Peloton instructor is suing the company for nearly $2 million alleging that an executive mocked him for being Irish. In response, the executive countersued him for all the treasure in his pot of gold.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Itkis at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Manhattan congressional candidate Mike Itkis started in his own sex tape in an effort to publicize his campaign. You know what? I’m gonna vote for him. Because I watched that video and we share a lot of the same positions.
[Picture changes to a calendar marked on 13th October]
Thursday was national no bra day, which is celebrated by not supporting women. It’s a bra joke.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of mushrooms and United airlines at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: United Airlines passenger who was high on mushrooms assaulted two flight attendants. While over at Spirit Airlines, bath salts are the in flight snack.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog and its certificate at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Pebbles, who was the world’s oldest living dog has died at the age of 22. But it’s okay, his owners knew this was coming if they didn’t keep them off my yard.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of kids riding bikes at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Some parents in Oregon are having large groups of their children ride their bikes to school at the same time in a formation they’re calling a bike bus, and pedophiles are calling a buffet.
[Picture changes to a gray whale]
Researchers say the number of gray whales of Western North America has continued to decline for several years. It’s a sad fact that makes me wonder if whale oil is really the best way to give my hair this amazing volume.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a chess board and NFL logo at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A growing number of NFL players are filling up their off time by playing chess with each other. And also, let’s see here, domestic violence. That’s how they’re spending their time, Colin.
[Cut to . There’s a picture of contact lenses container at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A video has gone viral of a doctor removing nearly two dozen contact lenses from a woman’s eye that she had forgotten were in there. And you know, you messed up when your doctor is like, “Hey, can I film this?”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Benefits of colonoscopies overestimated” at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A new studies suggest that the benefits of preventative colonoscopy is may be overestimated, but the pleasures are undeniable.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of packed meths at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Border officials have discovered $400,000 worth of meth hidden inside pumpkins. They could tell the pumpkins were full of meth because they only had like three teeth left. [Picture changes to a halloween pumpkin with bad teeth]