Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening, everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Well, it turns out the only thing scarier than Donald Trump acting un-presidential is Donald Trump acting presidential. [Picture changes to missiles] In response to the Syrian regimes chemical weapons attack, President Trump on Thursday spent 59 tomahawk missiles to disable a Syrian air field. Coz when Donald Trump is angry, he always presses send. [Picture changes to send button of twitter.]
This is one of those moments where it seems extra jarring that Donald Trump is our president. Even if you are Trump supporter, it’s gotta seem a little crazy that he is starting a real war with Assad [Picture changes to Assad] while he’s still bogged down in a twitter war with Schwarzenegger. [Picture changes to Arnold Schwarzenegger.] Remember? After Trump was elected and everyone saying, “Stop taking Trump literally. He’s not literally going to ban Muslins, Mexicans and bomb the hell out of everyone.” All I’m saying is if I were Hillary Clinton right now, I’d start getting in prison shape.[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of Syrian and Russian flags at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Now, I may be oversimplifying the details. The US has attacked Assad who, like us, is already at war with ISIS. But Assad is a close ally with Russia who Trump has said he wants to work with to defeat ISIS. Even though the biggest threat to ISIS is Assad who Trump just bombed. Now, in case you are having trouble following all that, here’s a reenactment of what I just described.[Cut to old movie clip where three people are hitting each other] [Cut to Michael Che]
Simple enough, right? Now, this attack comes as a surprise because just Monday, the President said he wanted nothing to do with the Syrian conflict. And by Thursday, he already attacked them. He’s handling conflict the way my mother handles family drama. At first, she’s like, “This ain’t none of my business. Y’all leave me out of this. Y’all grown.” Then three days later, she’s outside my ex girlfriend’s job in a track suit with a brick in one hand and her wig in the other.
Trump also broke protocol by not waiting for approval from congress. He didn’t even wait until he was home. He was still on vacation in Margaritaville or wherever he calls that place. And then he sent 60 missiles from Amazon Prime on a whim.[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Xi Jinping.]
President Trump met with Chinese this week at his Mar a Lago Estate, and then when the two men stood next to each other for the first time, one thing became very clear. If you mash them together, they would look exactly like Steven Segal. [Picture changes to Steven Segal] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Neal Gorsuch at left top corner.
Colin Jost: On Friday, the senate voted to confirm Supreme Court nominee Neal Gorsuch which made it extra awkward for Merrick Garland’s family when he pretended to come home after another long day at the Supreme Court. [Michael Che laughing] [Picture changes to Steve Bannon]
This week, White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was removed from the National Security Council. [cheers] And this time, he probably can blame the Jews.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jared Kushner with the military at left top corner.]
Michael Che: The White House revealed that Jared Kushner has traveled to Iraq with the Chairman of the Joint Chief of Staff. God! What a dork! Why is he wearing that vest? He’s dressed like Colin when he goes to buy weed with my guy without me.[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: It was my first time. This photo represents what frustrates me most about this administration which is complete lack of self awareness. They are the worst thing that rich white guys can be, which is oblivious. [Picture changes to Jeff Sessions] Like, Jeff Sessions, the other day he’s accused of being racist. The first thing he did this week as Attorney General was to reduce oversight on police departments. Way to pick up on the general vibe of the country. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] Then four days into sexual assault awareness month, Trump comes out of nowhere to defend the guy accused of sexual assault, [Picture changes to Bill O’Reilly] which I don’t think is how the month is traditionally celebrated. And now, while we’re on the verge of World War 3, Jared Kushner rolls on to a military base is his best yacht rock outfit. I mean, come on, you’re going to see generals, not Vampire Weekend.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bill O’Reilly at right top corner.]
Michael Che: New York Times has reported that Bill O’Reilly and FOX News paid out $13 million to five different women to settle the sexual harassment claims. $13 million to five women? The best case scenario, that mean’s you’re so bad with women that every time you’ve tried to flirt, it cost you $2.5 million. I’m bad with women too, but the most it ever cost me was a two-star rating on Uber Pool.