Judge… Kenan Thompson
Mr. Douglas… Louis C.K.
Bailiff… Leslie Jones
Georgy Sharpe… Pete Davidson
Mr. Bird… Alex Moffat
Jury… Aidy Bryant[Starts with Vanessa making her statement in the court]
Vanessa: So there you have it. My client was five miles away from that bar playing poker with his friend, Mr. Bird, the night of murder. Yeah. That’s it. I rest my case.
Judge: Alright, Jurors. You’ve heard opening statements from both the defense and the prosecution. Mr. Douglas, you may now call your first witness. Mr. Douglas, you may now call your first witness.[Mr. Douglas stands]
Mr. Douglas: The prosecution calls Gregory Sharpe to the stand.
Judge: Hold on. Excuse me, Mr. Douglas. Has anyone ever told you that– well, frankly, you have the most beautiful eyelashes. [Mr. Douglas has long eyelashes]
Mr. Douglas: Thank you, your honor.
Judge: I mean, this can’t be the first time you’re hearing this, right?
Mr. Douglas: [laughing] It’s not, your honor.
Judge: Wow. What a pickle to be you, huh? Walking around town, bringing spring wherever you go.
Vanessa: Your honor, can we call the witness please?
Judge: Of course. Bailiff.[Bailiff walks to Georgy Sharpe with a bible]
Georgy Sharpe: Yeah. I’ll tell the truth.[Mr. Douglas walks forward]
Mr. Douglas: Mr. Sharpe, where were you on the night of the 7th?
Georgy Sharpe: Well, like I told the cops, it was poker night. And I was playing poker with my buddies.
Mr. Douglas: Including Mr. Bird?
Georgy Sharpe: Yeah. He was there.
Mr. Douglas: So, you’re going to look me in the eye, these eyes, [pointing at his eyes with long eyelashes and smiling] and tell me he was with you that night? All night?[Georgy Sharpe gets nervous]
Georgy Sharpe: Um, it was the poker.
Mr. Douglas: Mr. Sharpe. Was it then?
Georgy Sharpe: [smiling] What do you want me to say?
Mr. Douglas: [smiling at Georgy Sharpe] I want you to look at me.
Georgy Sharpe: Come on, man.
Mr. Douglas: And tell me the truth. Boop! [pokes Georgy Sharpe’s nose]
Georgy Sharpe: He wasn’t with me. And he’s always talking about killing people.
Mr. Bird: Come on! Man!
Mr. Douglas: No further questions.
Vanessa: Okay. Objection. What is this with the eyelashes? I’m appalled by the prosecution here.
Judge: Appalled or jealous?
Vanessa: Appalled. This is not fair.
Judge: Fine. The jury will do their best not to be influenced by the prosecution’s gorgeous, inviting lashes. And they will also disregard the fact that the defense’s lashes are clumpy and unremarkable.
Vanessa: Fine. Thank you. [Vanessa walks forward] Mr. Sharpe, when you were initially questioned by police, you stated that Mr. Bird joined you for poker night at your apartment. [A jury is looking at Mr. Douglas all mexmerized] In fact, he came to your place early to help you get up. You even had leftover beers you brought that night. Now, I’m sorry but–
Jury: [yelling looking at Mr. Douglas’s eyelashes] My god!
Vanessa: Okay. Now, he is directly influencing the jury.
Mr. Douglas: That’s ridiculous, your honor. Permission to approach the bench?
Judge: Oh, I would like the very, very much.[Vanessa and Mr. Douglas walk forward]
Oh, both of you.
Vanessa: I can get you disbarred for this, manipulating a jury. [Mr. Douglas is blinking his eyes and looking at Vanessa] I’ve never seen someone so blatantly disregard– [Mr. Douglas is influencing Vanessa too] So blatantly disregard protocol in such a– Oh, my! [The air is blowing on Vanessa’s hair] There’s something about you. [Mr. Bird stands quietly and flees while everyone is looking at Mr. Douglas’s eyelashes] Maybe it’s your unorthodox methods. Maybe it’s the way you carry yourself or–[Mr. Douglas looks at the camera and the video pauses]
Female voice: Maybelline, New York.