Espionage

Kenan Thompson

Perkins… Alex Moffat

Jensen… Luke Null

Sabine… Gal Gadot

Vixen… Cecily Strong

Kay… Aidy Bryant

Mr. Hodges… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with three men inside a van with spying equipments]

Kenan: Perkins, you’re about to go head to head with one of Europe’s most cunning spies. Are you ready for this?

Perkins: I am, sir.

Kenan: Okay, Jensen, do you have a secure video link?

Jensen: Yeah. It’s encrypted end to end. She should be coming through on your screen now.

Perkins: Um, Sabine, hello.

[Cut to Sabine. she is wearing all black and has a black eye patch.]

Sabine: Good evening, Mr. Perkins. At long last, we speak in person.

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: Let’s cut to the chase. We need the flash drive that you are carrying.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: You Americans, all business no play, huh? I believe this is what you’re looking for? And if you want it, you will have to give me..[the video has glitches and Sabine’s speech is inaudible] [Cut to three men in the van]

Kenan: Jensen, what the hell? Why did we lose her?

Jensen: I think it’s interference in the signal, sir. I’m trying to get her back.

[Cut to their screen. Sabine’s cam is turned off. ‘Sexy Slut Now’ live video is turned on. There are two women at the kitchen. One is sitting on the table and another is smoking in front of the webcam.]

Vixen: Okay, guys. Webcam is live. Nice to see you again if you are returning. If you are new, I’m miss Vixen. And y’all remember Kay? Kay sat on the cake yesterday.

Kay: Hi, guys. Hope you are ready with your tips because I’m feeling nasty.

Vixen: That’s right. Just click the tip button the the right of the screen and Kay and I will try to make your wildest fantasies come true.

Kay: Oh, yeah, baby. Get creative!.

[Cut to the men in van]

Kenan: What is this?

Perkins: Well, sir, it looks like these ladies are doing a sexy webcam show in what looks like a filthy kitchen.

Kenan: I know that, but why are we looking at it, Jenson?

Jensen: I’m sorry, sir. It seems like they’re piggybacking on Sabine’s wifi or something. Just one second.

[Sabine is back]

Sabine: Do you agree to my terms or no?

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: I’m sorry. I lost you for a second. I need you to repeat all that.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: Oh, I don’t have time for silly games. I give you 15 minutes to make the deposit or I’ll go to someone else.

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: No. No, no. I’ll get it to you. Just tell me where.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: Of course. Just deposit the money in the account that I give you — [[the video has glitches and it switches to Vixen and Kay]

Vixen: This is for you, Bootycall41. Thank you for your tips. Kay! You have to get to into the microphone. He is asking for a louder crunch.

Kay: Oh, you got it, baby.

[Vixen and Kay are eating pickles and making loud chewing sound]

Vixen: You like how we crunching this pickle?

Kay: Show us with your tips.

[Cut to the men in the van]

Kenan: Dammit! Why is this happening?

Perkins: Well, sir, it seems like Bootycall41 must have some kind of crunch fetish and he is willing to pay for it, I guess.

Kenan: I know this. Just fix it, Jenson.

Jensen: I’m trying, sir.

Kenan: Well, now, what are they doing?

[Cut to Vixen and Kay.Kay is sitting on a chair and Vixen is turning it round.]

Kay: Oh! I’m dizzy!

Vixen: Yeah? You like that Saggysack77? I got Kay all dizzy for you. Now, you got to walk around, Kay, he wants to see you walking all dizzy.

Kay: Okay. Here I go. [Kay stands and falls right after] [Cut to men in the van]

Kenan: [giggling] Did you see that? She landed on her face.

[Sabine is back]

Sabine: Who landed on her face?

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: Um, no one. Nothing, Sabine. Now, let’s finish this.

[Cut to Vixen and Kay. Mr. Hodges is standing in the middle and Vixen and Kay are dancing around him.]

Vixen: Oh, Mr. Hodges has joined the party.

Kay: Yeah. You like that, Mr. Hodges?

Mr. Hodge:¬†We’ll get more soon.

[Cut to men in the van]

Kenan: Now, where did Mr. Hodges come from?

Perkins: Um, I’d say he is probably a cool neighbor. A dude they play with but nothing serious.

[Sabine is back]

Sabine: This is very serious. I’m done playing games. Wire $40 million to the account I’m sending you now.

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: What? $40 million? You said $20 million.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: Well, I changed my mind. You have 10 seconds.

[Cut to men in the van]

Perkins: [to Kenan] What do I do?

Kenan: Send it!

Perkins: Okay, Sabine. You win.

[Perkins presses enter] [Cut to Vixen and Kay. Perkins mistakenly send the money to them.]

Vixen: Oh, my god! We just got $40 million in tips.

Kay: I’m gonna buy an aquarium.

[Cut to men in the van]

Kenan: What? What the hell? You sent the money to Ms. Vixen and Kay? Get it back.

Jensen: I can’t sir. It’s in their tip jar. It’s their’s.

Perkins: Argh! What do we do?

Kenan: I guess we figure out what we want to see these ladies do and watch it. I vote for the pickle thing.

Perkins: Definitely.

Jensen: Yeah, me too.

[cut to Vixen and Kay eating pickles]

Vixen: You like that crunch? That’s vlasic, baby!