Damarco… Cecily Strong
Santagelli… Beck Bennett
Mr. Shah… Aziz Ansari
Kenan Thompson[Starts with Damarco and Santagelli getting inside the interrogating room. Mr. Shah is a suspect.]
Damarco: Well, well, well. Look who it is.
Santagelli: You smell that, Damarco?
Damarco: Yeah! It’s a big fat piece of dog crap.
Mr. Shah: I’m sorry. What? I’ve been in this room for two hours and no one will tell me what I did.
Damarco: Shut up, punk! You know what you did.
Santagelli: I can’t even look at you. You disgust me.
Damarco: Last night, 7 PM. Ring any bells?
Mr. Shah: [shaking head] Yeah. I was on a date with this new girl I’m seeing. Call her. She’ll tell you.
Santagelli: No need. We’ve got the security footage for your little date right here.
Damarco: It’s gonna help put you away for a very long time. Roll it, Santagelli.[Santagelli plays the tape on the TV] [Cut to Mr. Shah’s date with Aidy]
Aidy: So, what’s been your favorite movie this year? Mine was ‘La La Land’. Hands down.
Mr. Shah: ReallY?
Aidy: Yeah. I mean, it was good, but I thought it kind of dragged in the middle.[Cut to the interrogation room. Santagelli turns off the TV.]
Damarco: What do you have to say for yourself you sick son of a bitch?
Mr. Shah: What do you mean?[Damarco walks to Mr. Shah and gets aggressive]
Damarco: ‘La La Land’ is a perfect film!
Mr. Shah: Whoa! Okay! I mean, I liked it. I just thought there were too many montages in the middle.
Damarco: that’s how you show the passage of time you dumb mother–
Santagelli: [interrupting] Damarco! Damarco!
Damarco: Sorry. I just– Ryan Gosling didn’t learn piano from scratch so some little prick could come and nitpick.
Santagelli: Listen, Mr. Shah, we’re on your side. Just help us understand why you said what you said about this gorgeous musical.
Mr. Shah: I don’t know. I mean, I liked it. It was fun. The singing was good. I mean I guess I just didn’t think it was like amazing singing.
Santagelli: [yelling] That’s the f-ing point!
Damarco: They’re just regular people falling in love and singing.
Santagelli: And they weren’t singing to a track. They were really singing on the day.
Damarco: Yeah, yeah. I’d like to see you sing on the day you dumb sack of–[Damarco throws the chair to one sided see through mirror and breaks it.]
Santagelli: Now, I’m gonna show you a picture and I want you to tell me what you see, alright?[Santagelli puts a picture on the table]
Mr. Shah: A bloody woman?
Santagelli: Oh, sorry, that’s from our other case. [Santagelli shows a picture of an award] Now, what do you see?
Mr. Shah: That’s a Golden Globe.
Damarco: Yeah. Yeah it is. Now tell me, why would a bad movie win seven of these?
Santagelli: I mean, I’m just wondering, you know, what do you like if you don’t like ‘La La Land’? Huh? [Santagelli gets aggressive and holds on Mr. Shah’s collar] What do you like if you don’t like ‘La La Land’?
Mr. Shah: I don’t know. I guess, ‘Moonlight’.
Santagelli: Oh, ‘Moonlight’, so good.
Damarco: Yes, Moonlight’s so important. So good. Yeah.
Santagelli: Yeah, yeah.
Mr. Shah: Did you guys see it?
Santagelli: Oh, you know, no. But I want to. I just can’t get myself to go.
Damarco: Yeah, just coz I know it’s gonna be a whole thing.
Mr. Shah: What do you mean a whole thing?
Santagelli: Hey, don’t try and turn this on us, you sick pervert.
Mr. Shah: Pervert? Listen, I liked the movie. I just didn’t love it! It’s a whole movie about jazz and there’s no black people in it.
Damarco: Oh, oh, oh. Weird. Santagelli, now I didn’t realize John Legend was white.
Santagelli: Yeah, weird, Damarco. Last time I checked, John Legend was black.
Mr. Shah: Come on, guys.
Damarco: Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, and Santagelli, I didn’t realize that the couple on the bridge was also white?
Santagelli: Oh, yeah, Damarco. I could have sworn, they were black. Yeah, he was black, she was black.
Mr. Shah: Okay, wait. I don’t remember a bridge scene. That might have been when I feel asleep.[Santagelli walks to Mr. Shah and puts him down on the table]
Santagelli: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you what?
Mr. Shah: I fell asleep for just like a sec.
Santagelli: Tell me you saw them dancing in the sky.
Mr. Shah: What?
Santagelli: I wanna hear it. Tell me you say them dancing in the sky.
Mr. Shah: I don’t think so. Was that like a huge plot point?
Santagelli: [yelling] No! It was just lovely, and that’s okay.
Damarco: Not everything has to be plot. God!
Mr. Shah: I just liked ‘Manchester by the sea’.
Damarco: Hey! News flash, you can like them both![Vanessa gets in with Kenan on handcuffs]
Aidy: Excuse me officers, I have another one. Mind if I put him in here?
Damarco: Yeah. Go ahead.[Vanessa walks out]
Kenan: Hey, what’s up, man?
Mr. Shah: You didn’t like ‘La La Land’ either?
Kenan: Na, I didn’t like ‘Westworld’. It’s too slow. I thought the finale could have been the premiere.
Damarco and Santagelli: [yelling] They had to build up to that![The End]