Dia… Bowen Yang
Jessica Coke-Brothers… Heidi Gardner
Chastity… Kate McKinnon
Prudence… Kristen Stewart
Rachel Thompson… Melissa Villaseñor
Johnny Butter… Kyle Mooney
Missil… Beck Bennett[Starts with a clip of a bar “Moon Jumps the Cow”] [Cut to Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers on stage]
Dia: Hello, Silver Lake. it’s open mic Night here at Moon Jumps the Cow, the Los Angeles performance space and laptop garden. I’m Dia, and this is Jessica Coke-Brothers.
Jessica Coke-Brothers: My mom is the Coke, and my dad is a Wayans Brother. Get ready to see some performances from the stars of tomorrow and the Lyft drivers of today.
Dia: Mm-hmm. I’d like to exercise my brave and start with a song I wrote about something I really fear. Hit it, Jessica.[Music playing]
♪ Turning 30 ♪
♪ It’s just around the bend ♪
♪ Soon, I’ll be 29 ♪
♪ And then I’ll be 30 ♪
♪ Turning 30 ♪
♪ Why does it have to end? ♪
♪ Soon, I’ll be 29 ♪
♪ And then I’ll be dead ♪
Thank you. Thank you. Powerful. Powerful.
Jessica Coke-Brothers: You’re saying that about yourself?
Dia: Yes. Next up is sister duo Chastity and Prudence.[Chastity and Prudence come in and Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out]
Chastity: Alright. Yeah, we just moved here from Persecution, Pennsylvania.
Prudence: We grew up on a farm, where our “dad” convinced us it was the 1800s.
Chastity: But I guess, here, you call that a cult. Now Ryan Murphy owns our life story.
Prudence: This song is about our past.[ Rock music playing ]
Both: ♪ Something bad happened, and now we’re famous ♪
♪ Something bad happened, so we moved to L.A. ♪
♪ Told us airplanes were angels ♪
♪ The fence is the boundary ♪
♪ Don’t touch the fence ♪
♪ Or you’ll turn gay ♪
♪ Tune in to “The Fence” every Sunday ♪
On FX, FFX, and FXNOW.[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.][Chastity and Prudence walk out]
Jessica Coke-Brothers: Alright! Great! Yeah, so, that happened. Anything you would like to plug?
Prudence: Oh, yeah. Actually, we manage a bunch of sketchy Airbnb properties here if you’re ever looking to feel unsafe in the loneliest city in the world.
Dia: Wow. [Chastity and Prudence walk out] Okay, I will check that out. Looks like Rachel Thompson is next.[Rachael Thompson walks in][Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out.]
Rachael Thompson: I go by Reyna-De-La-Casa now. More castable. I had a bad year. I mean, really bad. My grandma’s friend died. This is a song I wrote about that, called “My 9/11.”
♪ Oh, Betty ♪
♪ With candy in your purse ♪
♪ You’re dead ♪
♪ But I’m sad ♪
♪ Tell me which is worse ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh
♪Betty, I made your death about me.[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.]
Dia: Nice! Epic, Reyna. Have you booked any gigs lately?
Rachael Thompson: Actually, I am making my TV debut next week.
Rachael Thompson: Me and my dumb mom are going to be on “Dr. Phil.”
Jessica Coke-Brothers: Wow! Do you have any lines?
Rachael Thompson: No, but I kick her really hard.
Dia: Okay, cool. [Rachael Thompson leaves the stage] His bio says he’s got John Mayer’s face and Carrot Top’s “gutters.” It’s Johnny Butter.[Johnny Butter walks in][Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out.]
Johnny Butter: Oh, man, I can’t believe this song was just my dumb little idea two years ago. Oh, what the hell.[Johnny Butters starts playing guitar]
♪ These days, everything is so messed up ♪
♪ So let’s get together ♪
♪ And do it like in porn ♪
♪ Uptown funk you up ♪
♪ Uptown funk you up ♪[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.]
Dia: Nice! Okay.
Jessica Coke-Brothers: I’m going to stop you ’cause you’re hot. So you don’t have to try.
Dia: Johnny, who are your influences?
Johnny Butter: Well, black-and-white photography, for sure, and staying in and watching Pixar stuff. I guess I’m weird like that.
Jessica Coke-Brothers: Yeah. That’s fire. [Johnny Butter walks out]
Dia: Okay, we are so lucky to have this next guy. He’s a Vegas musician who would like to get better at parkour. Please welcome Missile to the stage.[Missile comes on the stage. He is jumping.] [Dance music playing]
Missil: ♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Who am I, who am I? ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Where am I, where am I? ♪
♪ Life is dope ♪
Dia: Okay. Alright, we’ve heard enough, and you’ve got it.
Missil: I know.
Jessica Coke-Brothers: Tell us what you’re working on.
Missil: Well, I’m writing a book based on the “Harry Potter” movies.
Dia: Mm. So happy for you, Missile. You worked so hard. Okay. And — Oh, the sisters are back for an encore performance.[Chastity and Prudence come in and Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out]
Jessica Coke-Brothers: Because they threatened us.
Prudence: L.A. is so overwhelming.
Chastity: A lot has changed for us. We used to have hair down to our holes. But then we cut it, and now we’re models with a story.
Prudence: This song is about our new life in Los Angeles.[Music starts playing
Both: ♪ Tacos, Bird scooters ♪
♪ Words at the fence ♪
♪ Old milk and leggings ♪
♪ I miss the fence ♪
♪ Thin moms and jacked dads ♪
♪ I’m overwhelmed, and the devil will trick me ♪
♪ Take me back to the fence ♪[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.]
Dia: Nice! Thank you. Okay. Jessica, your turn.
Jessica Coke-Brothers: Oh, actually, I’m on vocal rest. I have a phone call tomorrow.
Dia: Okay. Well, then, I’ll sing us out. This is a new song I wrote about being abandoned at the ArcLight Movie Theater.[Jessica Coke-Brothers leaves the stage] [Music starts playing]
♪ Why can’t you get here? ♪
♪ You’re already supposed to be here ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ You stood my fat ass for the last time ♪