Mrs. H… Sandra Oh
Clark… Aidy Bryant
Ramano… Kate McKinnon
Brett… Kyle Mooney
Pete Davidson[Starts with Mrs. H teaching in class]
Mrs. H: Okay class, let’s focus up. As you know your SAT2s are this weekend, so let’s review. [Cut to Mrs. H] Who can tell me what the metaphor is in Franz Kafka’s ‘Metamorphosis”? [Cut to the students] Anyone? [Cut to Mrs. H] Nobody? How about you, Miss Clark?[Cut to Clark]
Clark: I guess it’s like [Music starts playing] one day you wake up, and everything’s different. You’re not a kid anymore. No more playing with dolls. Now it’s drinking with beer. Plus someone wrote slut on your locker when you haven’t even kissed a boy. And you just want to go back to how thing were, but things didn’t change, you did.[Cut to Mrs. H]
Mrs. H: Okay, pretty close, but the answer was, C, Cockroach. A quick reminder that the SAT2s are multiple choice and what you just said will not fit on a Scranton.[Cut to Clark]
Clark: Thanks. I guess you’re right. I should become a writer.[Cut to Mrs. H]
Mrs. H: Not what I said, but okay. Moving on, who wants to tell me what the lion symbolizes in ‘Julius Ceasar’? Mr. Ramano?[Cut to Ramano]
Ramano: All right. I’ll play your little game. [Music starts playing] So you’re a guy, right, and you and your friends, you’re like brothers. You do everything together. Break into houseboats, drink and fight, touching my truck and one day they stab you in the back. So you might as well drop out. Forget about college. Because you’re going to toilet school.[Cut to Mrs. H]
Mrs. H: Toilet school like to become a plumber.[Cut to Ramano]
Ramano: Okay, fine, I didn’t read it.[Cut to Mrs. H]
Mrs. H: Well, why not?[Cut to Ramano]
Ramano: Because I can’t read! Is that what you want to hear? I can see the little squiggles but I can’t make them make sound![Cut to Ramano and Clark]
Clark: Hey, that’s called dyslexic. I could teach you.
Ramano: I don’t need your charity.[Cut to Clark]
Clark: Well, it’s not like that. Remember, the night by the football house when you showed me what starts were?[Cut to Ramano and Clark]
Ramano: Of course. That’s the night I messed around with your best friend.
Clark: That’s right. My mom.[Cut to Mrs. H]
Mrs. H: Okay, yikes! There’s a lot going on in this class, but I’m a sub. So I’m just gonna kick this can down the road. Okay, how about we go over some nice, cold math. Nothing emotional there. Brett, what’s the formula for a parabola?[Cut to Brett]
Brett: Parabola. [Music starts playing] So you start off, and everything is all up, up and away. You’re on top of the world. Number one in the football team! Major leagues baby! No back up plan. And then you start falling. Fast! Hard! And you end up in– you end up in a place that looks a hell of a lot like where you started.[Cut to Mrs. H]
Mrs. H: None of that was math, and I think you know that.[Cut to Pete holding his paper]
Pete Davidson: Um, hey, Mrs. H, I finished my practice test. Can I go?[Cut to Mrs. H]
Mrs. H: Well, are you sure you don’t want to do a big emotional speech for us?[Cut to Pete holding]
Pete Davidson: No, I’m good. Because I have to be good. [music starts playing] Because my old man used to beat my ass. Yes, sir! No, sir!
Mrs. H: Okay, enough. [Cut to Mrs. H] You kids think you have problems, I’m not even a real teacher! I just fill in when other teachers have babies or hangovers. It’s like I don’t even exist. And I convinced my husband to open up our marriage, and now he’s cleaning up, and I can’t give it away![Cut to Brett]
Brett: [Thinking] Wow, I guess I learned a lot today. But the thing I learned the most was each other.