Terrence… Chris Redd
Sheila… Ego Nwodim
KK… Aidy Bryant
Stacy… Cecily Strong
[Starts with Chris looking at his selfie camera]
Terrence: Okay, looking good. Smelling good. Tell you what? [starts to workout on the couch] They should have never let your boy out in the streets though. I know that much. Coz I’m bout to hit these freaks up. See what’s popping out here. Ready, ready. So, they better be ready.
[Facetiming Sheila]
She gonna pick up. She gonna pick up. I’m gonna pick up.
[Sheila answers facetime]
What’s good, Sheila? Sheila, your boy finally free, baby.
Sheila: Terrence, is that you?
Terrence: Yeah, baby. In the flesh. You know no jail can hold me, girl. Come on, now.
Sheila: I thought you was doing 600 years.
Terrence: I was, baby. I was gonna do it. But damn, then ‘rona down here. Yo, they let me out, you. And I’m out here. I’m free. You know. Now, I get to come over there and we could 69 like we talked about, you know?
Sheila: Oh, you nasty. But I’m not going out right now. You know, after the government shutdown outside because they 5G stuff messed up and made a pandemic. So, I’ma lay low till July.
Terrence: July? Girl, you better stop playing with me. [Sheila hangs up] Hello? Hello? Dammit! She must have some bad wifi or something.
[Facetiming KK]
Um-hmm.
[KK answers]
KK: Hello?
Terrence: Hey, sweet thing.
KK: T-ready, is that you?
Terrence: Yeah, I’m free. I’m back in these streets and I’m ready to do that thing that we handled ourselves next to each other.
KK: Look, I cannot do this right now. My kids are in the other room.
Terrence: Kids? What? I’m home, girl.
KK: T, what we had when you were in jail, it stays in jail.
Terrence: Aw, but KK.
KK: No buts, okay? I only started writing you letters because I thought you were gonna rot in there for pirating that “Sopranos” DVD box set.
Terrence: Who knew they meant two to 10 per DVD, though?
KK: [to kids] Hey, coming. [to Terrence] Hey, shut up. Everything that we talked about while you were locked up, it’s a lie, okay? I’ve never had my cheeks absolutely clapped. I am not a trap queen. Okay? My name is Anne and I’m a mother and I go to church group. I don’t need this added stress right now. So, you can go ahead and lose this number. [hangs up]
Terrence: Damn. Nobody loyal, man!
[Facetiming Stacy]
[Stacy picks up. She looks sick.]
Stacy: Hello?
Terrence: Stacy. Stacy. You so tasty. It’s me, Terr.
Stacy: Terr? [sneezes] I never thought I’d see your face again.
Terrence: You seeing it right now, girl. You know, I’m ready to do that thing.
[Stacy sneezes hard.]
Stacy: Terr, you looking good.
Terrence: Hey, you aite? You sick or something?
Stacy: Boy, can you just stop? It’s just allergy. Pollen is everywhere. Why don’t you, um, come over and get you some?
Terrence: Uh-uh. Uh-huh. I think I need to take this social distancing thing little bit serious, you know what I’m saying? If you still wanna get freaky, you know, maybe you can tie your phone up and spit on it while I pop off my thing over here though.
Stacy: Why are you so scary? Alright, I got to get it in some kind of way. [sneezing heavy] [Terrence hangs up]