Colin Jost[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of the Royal Wedding at right top corner.]
Colin Jost: Earlier today, “Suits” actress Meghan Markle married some unemployed dude who still lives with his grandma.[Picture changes to New York city and marijuana leaves.]
A report has found that 86% of the people arrested in New York for marijuana possession are black or latino. Well, duh, we’re the only ones they search. That’s like saying the only people that have STDs are the people that take test for STDs. We’re not the only ones that carry drugs. If cops searched white dudes in cargo shorts as much as they search black dudes in hoodies, prison would look like a Dave Matthew’s concert. You know, people always talking about deed in diversity in Hollywood? You know where we really need diversity? Jail! Forget about Oscar so white. How about prison’s too black? Colin?[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of map of Arlington city at left top corner.]
Michael Che: What? A new report has selected the fittest city in the country to be Arlington, Virginia. While the least fit city in the country was once again, Man Boobs, Lousiana.