Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Demoratic Debate at left side.]
Well, last week we had six democratic candidates and this week, it’s become like my dad’s favorite radio station, [picture changes to Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden] just the oldies. Joe Biden is now the front runner and just picked up an endorsement from Michigan’s governor only days before the state’s primary. And it makes sense that Michigan would love Biden because it kind of looks like a hand trying to touch a lady’s hair. [Picture changes to map of Michigan]
I gotta say, honestly, [picture changes to Donald Trump and Joe Biden] I could not be more excited for Biden-Trump debates. They’re gonna be the first debates that have to be moderated by a Jamaican nurse. As well as the only debates that air on the Turner Classic Movies channel. And I don’t want the moderator to ask about anything political. I want all the questions to be like, “Who was the greatest slugger of the 50s? Who’s your favorite white boxer?” At this point between Bernie, Biden and Trump, I think the next debate should just be on that cruise ship and whichever one of them can beat Coronavirus becomes our next president.[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of democratic and republican logos at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Yeah. I don’t know who’s gonna win the nomination but watching white people fight over these old dues is hilarious. I don’t even care who wins just as long as they beat Trump. I’m not even really a democrat. I just vote ‘not republican.’ Democrats are like condoms to me. I mean, I’ll use them cos it’s safer I guess, but it doesn’t feel good.[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Joe Biden, Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Both Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders are actively cording Elizabeth Warren’s endorsement but I gotta say the pants suits are little much. [picture changes to Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden wearing outfit like Elizabeth Warren] [Picture changes to Donald Trump]
President Trump attacked Biden over his recent gaffe saying there’s something going on there. And Trump should know coz there is definitely something going on there too. I mean, a few days ago, he did this.[Cut to a video clip of Donald Trump holing American flag tightly and kissing it.] [Cut back to Colin Jost]
What are you doing, man? You can’t say someone else is losing it and then whisper ‘I love you’ to a flag. That’s like saying, “Oh, man, this guy’s lost his marbles,” but you’re saying it to a mannequin.
Then Trump visited the Centers for Disease Control and bragged about his knowledge of the Coronavirus saying this.[Cut to Donald Trump speaking to the CDC.]
Donald Trump: Every one of these doctors said, “How do you know so much about this?” Maybe I have a natural ability. Maybe I should have done that instead of running for president.[Cut back to Colin Jost.]
Colin Jost: Oh my god. Oh, we’re all gonna die. What does that mean? He has a natural ability for Coronavirus? I don’t know, guys. I mean, maybe Trump’s born with it or…[Cut to picture of Donald Trump.]
Female voice: [singing] Maybe it’s brain disease[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Coronavirus at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t know. You know, I found out that the odds of us catching Coronavirus is about as high as us ending up on Saturday Night Live. And here we are, Colin. So, we both gonna catch it. Yeah, we had a good run. I mean, we accomplished a lot, you know. [Michael Che pulls out his glass of whiskey] Hey, could you believe we both almost got to marry Scarlett Johansson? It was crazy.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Texas at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: It was announced Friday that South by South West has been cancelled because of the Coronavirus. Meanwhile, Coronavirus is set to headline Coachella.[Picture changes to a news article that says, ‘CPAC attendee tested positive for coronavirus.”]
And in breaking news today, it turns out that a guest at the conservative CPAC conference which was attended by Trump and Pence has tested positive for coronavirus. Worse, it was the guy in charge of handling Trump’s flag. [Picture changes to Trump kissing the flag.]