Neil deGrasse Tyson… Kenan Thompson
Uhuru… Sasheer Zamata
Captain… Chris Pine
Scotty… Beck Bennett
Spock… Kyle Mooney
Spocko… Bobby Moynihan
Alex Moffat
[Starts with TV Land Future Classics intro] [Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson in his set]Neil deGrasse Tyson: Good evening. I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson. My vest has suns on it. I think that is so cool. In 1966, a series called Star Trek would chance television forever, but in its third and final season, the quality faded quicker than the solstice moon. [laughing at his own jokes awkwardly] Sorry. Science makes me silly. Before cancellation, several Star Trek episodes were shot but never aired until now. What follows the first look at episode 81, “Spock’s Secret.”
[Cut to the scene from the episode.]Uhuru: Captain, the Romulan’s home planet has weakened our systems. Shields are barely holding.
Captain: God, they’re completely shutting us down. Scotty, can we return fire with photon torpedoes?
Scotty: I’m trying my best, captain, but we’ve got a malfunction in the plasmic core system.
Captain: Spock, can you fix it?
Spock: Negative, captain. I’m not familiar with the mechanics of plasma systems, but I do know someone who is… my brother.
Captain: You have a brother?
Spock: A half brother, captain. A citizen of the planet Vulcan who’s one of the academy’s best engineers.
Captain: Well, by all means, send him up.
[Spocko walks in]Spocko: Hey, how you doing? My name’s Spocko! Reporting for duty over here. I was in the wrong hallway. I opened the door, I almost got sucked out into space. Now, that’s a ‘Star Trek.’
[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson]Neil deGrasse Tyson: Spocko was played by actor and nightclub crooner Sal Delabate. In 1968, Delabate’s song, ‘Pizza beach’ was big hit on the dance charts. Producers were trying to appeal to a far out audience. So, in a ratings grab, Spocko was created.
[Cut to the episode]Captain: Spocko, are you two actually related?
Spock: Yes, captain. My father ambassador Sarek had a child with a human school teacher who is my mother, but he also fathered a son with an earth woman who worked as a hostess at Mama Guchioni’s family style bistro in ‘Queens, New York.’ That’s Spocko.
Spocko: Yeah. That’s me. That’s Spocko. Come on!
Alex: Captain, I’m not sure I trust this man to repair our ship.
Sulu: Yeah. We’ve never seen him before. It’s weird.
Spocko: Oh, come on, Sulu, don’t be illogical over here. What are you doing?
Captain: I’m sorry, but we’ve got no other choice. Romulus could fire at any moment. Spocko, give it your best shot.
Spocko: Alright. NO problem. [Spocko starts walking around looking for the problem. He is limping.] Now, what’s this here? You got a problem with your plasma core or something?
Scotty: I think it’s a distorted wake pattern.
Spocko: Ah, well, hold on. Let me just get my tools here. Let me just scoot right through here. Need my little machine. Alright, let’s get this puppy open And here we go. [Spocko pulls out a whole system cover. It’s smoking inside.] Yeah. Looks like you got fourteen MCFS ionized gas over here. You konw? that’s your problem.
Uhuru: Excellent diagnosis, Spocko.
Spocko: Ooh! Thank you, Uhuru. He-he-he. You know, look, I’m a Vulcan but I’m very direct sometimes and I got to say, I want to take a big nice bite of that nice bit juicy butt of your’s. Now, that’s a Star Trek.
[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson]Neil deGrasse Tyson:
Wow! A lot to unpack there. You’re probably wondering about the walk. Sal Delabate was living in the back of a bar at the time. And he had a rare medical condition from eating no solid food except pearl onions and shaved ice. After Sal sexually harassed Uhuru played by Nichelle Nichols, producers knew this episode would never air and they let Delabate do whatever he wanted. Take a look.
[Cut to the episode]Captain: Captain’s log. Star date 45, 21.4. Systems are up and running. All thanks to a Vulcan from Queens with strange jelly bones. The important thing is my crew is safe.
Spocko: Hey! Live long and party, captain. Set a course for ‘Pizza Beach’.
[music playing]All: [singing] There’s a special kind of beach
where all the cool kids go
order a set of my pizza
welcome to the Pizza Beach
Now, that’s a pizza!
[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson]Neil deGrasse Tyson: Yes. I know it was a disaster. But it was still better than “Star Trek, 5 the Final Frontier.” Oh, set your phasers to, “Oh snap.” That’s a trekky burn. I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson and I’ll see you, this is so exciting, in the future.
Spocko: Now, that’s a Star Trek.