Please Don’t Destroy – The Stakeout

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Woody Harrelson

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins, and Martin Herlihy in their office.]

Ben: Fellaas, what are we up to tonight? You guys come on over play Tony Hawk I’m busy?

John: I’m busy tonight.

Martin: I’m tired tonight.

Ben: You’re busy and you’re tired.

John: But maybe tomorrow.

Ben: Oh yeah. Cool. Cool. No sweat.

Martin: Next time.

[John and Martin leave] [Woody Harrelson walks in knocking the door]

Woody: Hey man. Everything okay with you and your little friends?

Ben: I don’t know. I’m kind of worried they’re hanging out without me.

Woody: Do you think maybe we should follow them to find out?

Ben: Follow them? You don’t mean-?

Woody: Yeah. Stakeout.

[Ben and Woody are following John and Martin. They reach a house.]

Woody: What are they doing out here in the suburbs?

Ben: Whose house is this?

[John and Martin are playing video game together.]

John: Kickflip.

Martin: Oh dude, oli, oli. I just olied.

Ben: Wow, dude. Okay, I’m gonna text them.

[Ben texts them]

John: Who’s that?

Martin: Ben.

[Martin looks at the message and throws the phone into the trash]

Ben: Did he just throw his phone away?

Woody: That’s a low blow. Well, [pulls out a gun] time to go in there and kill them.

Ben: No, man. What?

Woody: We’ll make it look like a robbery.

Ben: Jesus, dude. That’s not why we’re here. We’re just trying to figure out why they bailed on me. What’s going on with them?

[John and Martin are not cuddling]

Ben: They look really cozy.

John: It’s really nice.

Martin: Yes.

[John and Martin start kissing]

Woody: Hey, are they together?

Ben: What?

Woody: Alright, should we head out?

Ben: No, we’re not done, man. Oh my god.

[John is holding a baby]

Woody: They got a baby too.

John: I’ll email them.

Martin: Kids, dino nuggets are ready.

John: Come on, daddy made your favorite.

[two other children run into the kitchen]

Ben: They have a family?

[a teenager joins them at the dinner table]

Woody: Oh-oh, and one moody teen.

Teen: Dino nuggets again?

Martin: Okay, mister, I worked very hard-

John: Okay, radical acceptance.

Ben: This is insane.

Woody: Ben, it’s 2015. It’s not insane to be gay.

Ben: It’s not 2015, man! And I’m not mad they’re gay. I’m mad they have a secret beautiful life they never told me about.

Woody: Well, maybe they’re just afraid to tell anyone.

[Kenan walks in the house]

Kenan: I brought Keesh.

John: Oh my god. Kids, uncle Kenan’s here.

Ben: Uncle Kenan? Okay, well, I’m gonna text him because Kenan wouldn’t lie to me.

[Ben texts Kenan. Kenan checks his phone, shakes his head and throws his phone into the trash]

They can’t just keep throwing their phones away.

Woody: Man, you never saw any signs of this in the past.

Ben: I mean, not that I remember. We would just hang out and laugh together. Maybe they were just afraid to tell me because they were afraid to hurt me. They can’t risk losing me because they love me too much.

Woody: Are you sure?

[The kids are hitting a punching bag that has Ben’s face on it with baseball bats]

Ben: Where did they even get that?

John: Alright, kids. Time for bed. We got work to do.

Ben: Work? What work?

[John and Martin are auditioning for ‘new Ben’]

Martin: Next. Excellent. Whenever you’re ready.

[there are few people who are auditioning for the role]

Woody: It’s like they’re doing auditions to replace you.

Actor: Oh, John, did you get a weird new haircut?

John: Way funnier than Ben?

Ben: Okay, I’m going in there.

John: And Saturdays, you’re available? Because-

Martin: Ben, it’s not what it looks like.

Ben: Then tell me what it is.

Martin: John and I have a secret family and we’re holding auditions to replace you.

Ben: That’s what I thought it was. This is insane, man. Why are you doing this?

John: You’re right, man. What are we doing? We shouldn’t be holding auditions to replace him.

Martin: Because the group would be fine if it was just us two.

Ben: Wha?

John: But we wouldn’t do that to you. Because there’s only one you.

Martin: And you are irreplaceable. Right, Ben?

[Woody is wearing red wig. He has already replaced Ben.]

Woody: Thanks, guys. Bad Boys for life. Man. I feel like we’re back at NYU right now.

[Cut to John and Martin watching the video at their office.]

Martin: Oh my God, he is so much better than Bne.

John: He’s the perfect replacement.