Michael… Louis C.K.
Ava… Kate McKinnon
Kyle Mooney[Starts with Guide guiding a group in museum]
Guide: Okay, squeeze on in here, guys. Our next top on the Tenement Museum tour is this apartment which appears exactly as it would have in nineteenthirteen.
Teacher: Okay, pay attention, guys. Some of this is going to be on the quiz.
Guide: Alright, this was the home of the Linzowsky’s, a working class family from Poland. And to help us understand what it was like for them in the strange new land of America, a group of historically trained actors will be joining us to being the Linzwsky’s back to life. In fact, I think I hear them now.[Two actors walk in]
Michael: Oh, my darling, Ava. For 16 hours today, I break my hands in factory. I can afford to bring a cabbage home for soup. We should have stayed in Poland.
Ava: Michael, our bellies will have to be filled with love. Food will be a luxury for the next generation.
Teacher: Aw, they came here for their children.
Michael: I wish I could bring home more money, Ava. [cheers and applause] But there are no good jobs. They have all been taken by the filthy greasy Italians.[1913is making angry face.]
Ava: Michael. Shame on you. It is not their fault that they are greasy meatball eating crotch cravers.
Teacher: You know. I’m not sure this is okay for my students to hear.
Guide: Oh, no. I assure you. This conversation is 100% historically accurate.
Ava: Michael, I don’t like to see you upset over the Italians, who everyone knows are not even real white people. Please, relax. [Michael sits on a chair and Ava puts two plates before them] Sit. Eat.
Guide: Now look at the bowls Mrs. Lindowsky is using. Something like that would be treasured family heirloom.
Kenan: Um, cool. Um, what’s up with the Italian stuff?
Guide: Hey, bud, let’s wait until the end of the scene for questions.
Michael: Ama, let me ask you a question. Do you know how to brain wash an Italian?
Ava: How, Michael?
Michael: You give him an enema.
Ava: Um. That makes sense. And Michael, do you know why Italy is shaped like a boot?
Michael: Why, my love?
Ava: Do you think they can fit that much crap into a shoe?
Michael: That is very true, really.
Teacher: Um, are they just telling Italian jokes?
Michael: But I must go now or I will be late for my night shift at the factory.[Michael and Ava hug each other]
Ava: You work so hard, Michael.
Michael: Yes. I work hard in factory so that some day our children will be the boss of factory. And then, we will hire half wit, goon, rat faced Italians and work them to death at the machines. This is my dream.[Ava is crying]
Guide: [clapping] Amazing. Let’s hear it for the Lindowsky’s.[Students are clapping]
Kenan: Feels kind of weird clapping for that but alright.
Guide: Now, magically the Lindowsky’s can hear you all the way back in nineteenthirteen. So, would anyone like to ask them a question?
Kyle: Hi. Um, when you say grease ball, is it because the food is greasy or they are?
Teacher: Okay, please don’t answer that.
Guide: Anyone else?
Kenan: I have a question.
Michael: Yes, chocolate face.
Kenan: And you just answered it.
Guide: Actually, I have a question for Mrs. Lindowsky. That contraption there, I don’t know what it is. Could you tell me about it?
Ava: Yes. This is to dry clothes. You put the wet fabric here and you turn and leave it like this. One bedsheet, three hours.
Guide: Wow! Lot harder than just tossing your clothes in the drier, huh?
Michael: But it will not always be this way for my wife. I work hard to save money. And god willing, I will hire chocolate lady to do this for me.
Kenan: [angrily] Nope!
Teacher: Yeah. We’re leaving. Let’s go.