Totino’s with Kristen Stewart

Vanessa Bayer

Sabine… Kristen Stewart

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a group os guys watching football]

Beck: Come on, yes!

Kyle: Go, go, go, go.

All: Touchdown!

[Wife walks in]

Wife: Is everyone enjoying the big game?

Beck: Oh, come on babe, don’t act like you know sports.

[Cut to Wife in the kitchen]

Wife: [smiling] My husband’s right. When it comes to the big game, there’s only one thing I know about, feeding my hungry guys.

All: No, no! Fumble!

Wife: And this year’s game is bigger than ever. Which means I’ll be feeding them more Totinos than ever.

Beck: Babe, we need more Totinos, Dave just got here.

Wife: Not a problem, because this year I’ve got the new Totino’s Totino two-pack. It’s twice the Totino for twice the hungry guys.

Beck: Enough yapping, we need the Totinos. Ted’s here too, and he brought his sister.

Wife: Great, more hands to help me make delicious Totinos pi–

[Wife looks at Sabine and gets mesmerized.] [music playing]

Pizza rolls. Oh, my!

[Sabine walks to Wife]

Sabine: Hi. I’m Sabine. what’s your name?

Wife: I never had one.

Sabine: That’s a shame.

[Wife turns around and starts putting the Totino rolls on tray. Sabine starts putting the rolls and slowly touches Wife’s hands.]

Wife: I should bring these out.

Sabine: No, stay with me.

Wife: But– what about my hungry guys?

Sabine: What are you hungry for?

Guys: Go, go, go, yes! Touchdown! Hey, babe, we need those Totinos, what’s going on back there?

[Wife and Sabine are in the kitchen hugging each other and dancing softly.] [Wife is drawing a picture of Sabine eating Totinos.] [Wife looks away]

Sabine: What is it?

Wife: Every big game before this one, I’ve been asleep. But, Sabine, [speaking in French. The subtitle reads ‘You have awoken me. I feel like we are the only two people on Earth.’]

Beck: They’re gonna punt.

[Wife and Sabine open their clothes and slowly touches each other’s skin with Totinos.]

Wife: [In French] My husband has his Totinos. And you are my Totino.

Beck: Babe, what’s taking so long with those Totinos? You girls making out back there?

[The guys laugh]

Bobby: You’re crazy.

[Wife and Sabine are actually making out]

Female voice: Totino. This spring, find your Totino.

Beck: Babe? Babe?