Jeremy… Mikey Day
Dana… Ego Nwodim
Tobey… Dan Levy
Gru… Bowen Yang
Andrew Dismukes[Starts with 1 guiding the guests during the tour.]
Jeremy: Welcome to the Universal Studios Tram Tour, back in action after eight prolonged absence. My name is Jeremy and behind the wheel is Dana. And even though she loves the film, she promises she won’t drive too Fast and Furious today. Right Dana?
Dana: Don’t involve me.
Jeremy: Alright. Fun! Helping me out today is a tour guide in training. Come on up here, Tobey. Say hi.
Tobey: Okay. Actually is Thlobby, pronounced with T-H. And I’m sorry I’m a little jittery. I’ve been here since 6 AM and I was waiting. So, I’m drinking coffee and I never drink coffee. So, it’s just kind of like, “Wad up?” You know? Okay, I’ll stop talking. But I think I like coffee now.
Jeremy: Alright. Let’s get started.
Kenan: Wow! Yeah! Let’s see some movie props.
Jeremy: Alright. Glad you’re excited sir. Alright folks, if you’re not looking at the left side of the tram, please yaba-daba-do so because you’ll see the car from 1993’s, “The Flinstones”. Tobey, take it away.
Tobey: Ha-ha. Great Scot. To your right is one of seven deloreans used in “Back To The Future” franchise which, oh my god– Okay, I read the craziest fan theory about that movie. So like, why does this teenager hang out with his old inventor guy? So, the theory was the doc basically like, groomed Marty to like… molest him?
Tobey: But then the doc regretted it, so the reason that he built the machine was to go back in time to prevent himself from [whispering] molesting Marty. Sorry. I probably shouldn’t have said it but I don’t see any kids on this tram.
Jeremy: Okay. Well, I do see kids.
Dana: That theory makes sense though. Dark as hell but it makes sense.
Jeremy: Okay. Let’s move away from that topic please. Alright. And look to your left side, my right. If those bikes look familiar, it’s because they played a key role in getting ET back.
Tobey: Ha-ha. Okay. ET looks like a ball sack came to life. Change my mind.
Jeremy: Hey, Tobey. Family park, family language.
Tobey: I am so sorry. I’m just nervous and I had never drank coffee.
Jeremy: Okay, Tobey, put the coffee down for a bit and take us through this next section.
Tobey: Oh. Welcome to Jurassic Park. Both sides of the tram are props and vehicles from all of the Jurassic films. Okay, wait, wait. What is that old joke? What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lick-a-lotopus.
Jeremy: Okay, we don’t make jokes like that here.
Dana: Ha-ha. I get it. That’s good. Smart too.
Kenan: Um, I don’t get it. Could you explain?
Jeremy: We’re not going to explain that. Alright? But the Jeep too in my right, your left, is where Dennis Nedry squared off with a spitters, dinosaur’s deadly poison. Played by Wayne Knight, best known as Seinfeld’s Newman–
Tobey: Oh my god. Okay. So, that guy, I can’t believe I’m telling you this but what have I got to lose? Newman from Seinfeld is my softner. Okay? If I’m ever getting aroused down there at the wrong time, like at the gym or something, I think of that guy to like, soften things up. I’ll just be on the elliptical going “Newman from Seinfield, Newman from Seinfield”. Ha-ha. Let’s now put it up to the tram. What do you think? What are your softners?
Kenan: Um, Dobby the elf from Harry Potter. Nasty.
Jeremy: Okay. Thank you sir, but we’re not gonna do that.
Dana: Mine is Mr. Bean, goofy dudes don’t get a slick for me.
Tobey: I know, right?
Jeremy: Guys, please, alright? At this time, how about I welcome any groups joining us today. Hello and apologies to the Sun Coast church Christian Youth Fellowship.
Andrew: Do I have to say my softner?
Jeremy: No, no, you do not young man. Oh-oh. Guys, it looks like someone despicable is approaching the tram. Oh, it’s Gru from Despicable Me/Minions franchise.
Gru: It smells like tourist in here.[Tobey looking at Gru]
Tobey: Dylan? He used to be my best friend. But you want to talk about the despicable, he got into coke and ditched me for all of his shady coke-head friends.
Gru: Ha-ha. What? No.
Tobey: Stop doing that, Dylan. You’re going to die.
Gru: Okay, bye. Enjoy the park.
Jeremy: Okay. Tobey, really need you to stay on the script, okay? Now folks, we’re heading to the Skull Island, home of King Kong.
Tobey: Okay. I cannot hear King Kong without thinking of the night I lost my virginity. It is the craziest story.
Jeremy: Okay. Give me your mic.
Jeremy: Okay. Give me your mic.
Keman: Let the man talk.