Husband… Kate McKinnon
Wife… Aidy Bryant
Chef, Photographer and DJ… Don Cheadle[Starts with video clips of dining hall]
Husband: Big drapes.
Wife: Crystal goblets.
Husband: Gold forks.
Wife: Everything shiny.[Cut to husband and wife]
Husband: Anything you want, we have at the Regal Promenade for Billions.
Wife: We’re located in Queens right across form where the taxis go to sleep.
Husband: Amazing wedding for your niece with braces.
Wife: She has a big princess dress with boobies on top? It’ll look perfect dragging a cross our driveway.
Husband: The roundest driveway in Queens. We have everything.
Wife: Dusty scone.
Wife: Light bulbs and ceilings.
Husband: Loose outlet. You plug in your phone and they fall right out.
Wife: Chairing wearing a dress like a beautiful late lady.
Husband: The youngest valets you can imagine.
Wife: They born 2005.
Husband: Everything we have, it has a carpet.
Wife: Bathroom carpet and kitchen carpet. Even chair feel like carpets.
Husband: Are you hungry? We can fix that.
Wife: Our world renowned chef can make your dinner.[Cut to Chef]
Chef: The buttered sea shells. The rolls hard and big. The entrée, take on liquid potato covered in the squeakiest green beans you will ever bite in your life. Guaranteed to be kissed by a mouth.[Cut to husband and wife]
Husband: We got married at 12 years old.
Wife: Join us for a wedding. Corporate banquet. Real house wife fashion show.
Husband: If your brother’s going to get in fist fight out of christening please have it here.
Wife: With us, you’re where you will have it all.
Husband: Screaming 8-year-old in a tuxedo.
Wife: Dad with a wad of cash.
Husband: A free balloon stuck to the ceiling.
Wife: Pink soap that hates your hands. And don’t forget, our two guys at the door.
Husband: Just try to leave without paying. They are going to kill you.
Wife: Treasure your memories with photos.
Husband: They can buy our in house cameraman.[Cut to Photographer]
Photographer: I will get the shot. I will be in your face. You will see sixth pictures of the ceremony, 200 of a specific bride’s maids. And one of myself, on mistake.[Cut to husband and wife]
Wife: If you’re have your wedding here, we will both going to be there.
Husband: Standing in back on walkie-talkies, I yell at the staff.
Wife: And I’m going to slap my daughter in front of your family, free of charge.
Husband: For the police show up, we are church, okay?
Wife: And for dancing, we provide a DJ with exquisite light and sound equipment.[Cut to the DJ]
DJ: My lights are every color and everywhere. Guaranteed to blind and confuse your grandma. And I got mad songs. I got Shania Twain and Black Street Boys. And a cookie little Jewish songs for when they run around in a circle at the bar. That’s it.[Cut to husband and wife]
Husband: And listen, if it’s a gay wedding, we will probably giggle a little bit.
Wife: That’s the Regal Promenade Pavilion.
Husband and Wife: We make your wedding look like a wedding.