Nick Burns: Your Company Computer Guy

Parker.....Chris Parnell
Rhonda.....Calista Flockhart
Nick Burns.....Jimmy Fallon
Employee.....Chris Kattan



[ open on interior, company Technical Support room ]

Parker: Hey, did you see the cover of MacUser Magazine?

Rhonda: Oh, the one with the G-Form-2 on it?

Parker: Next to the Silicon Graphics ZX-10, it's got to be the coolest computer in the world!

Nick Burns: [ enters ] Yeah, if, by "cool", you mean a computer that doesn't have an expansion bay, extra-SIM slots, then yeah, I guess it's the fondue of computers, Dilbert!

Theme Song: "Nick Burns, the computer guy. He'll fix your computer, then he's going to make fun of you. Cause he's Nick Burns, the company's computer guy."

Nick Burns: Hey, Rhonda, you're not letting Parker corrupt your hard drive with that crap about the Q-bar, are you?

Rhonda: Oh, don't worry. This guy's not getting anywhere near my hard drive!

Parker: I was just saying that the Qube looks better than the G-4 tower.

Nick Burns: Oh, yeah? So does Cindy Margulies, but I can't run Quicken on her.

Parker: [ laughing ] Touche! I would have said Danni Ashe, because she shows her melons. But still, a good one, Nick!

Rhonda: Really good one, Nick. Where ya' been?

Nick Burns: Oh, jeepers creepers.. I was trying to help those morons on the 3rd floor. They're trying to run RealPlayer behind a firewall without the proxy set. Can you believe that?

Parker: You should take away their Internet. Those guys are dense!

Employee: [ enters with laptop under his arm ] Hey, Nick.

Rhonda: Here's one of Jerry's Kids now.

Employee: What was that?

Nick Burns: She said you're one of Jerry's Kids. Now, what do you want?

Employee: My laptop's messed up. Uh.. I was sending a file, and it broke.

Nick Burns: [ looking at the laptop ] Geez Louise! Where'd you get that, the "Antiques Road Show"?

Parker: Yeah, uh.. we could take a look at that, and then I could take a look at your copy of "Tron" on BetaMax.

Rhonda: [ laughing ] I remember that model. It came bundled with Frogger!

Employee: You guys gonna help me?

Nick Burns: Show me what you're doing..

Employee: Well, I'm trying to save it.. so I downloaded it..

Nick Burns: Uh-huh.

Employee: ..and then I pushed..

Nick Burns: Yeah.

Employee: ..this button, and I..

Nick Burns: Uh-huh. Yeah. Move! God, do you run the Internet on this thing? It looks like it's got a 28.8, or something!
[ techies laugh ]

Rhonda: We could upgrade your modem to a 56.6! [ laughs ]

Employee: Can you.. can you do that?

Parker: Oh, sure. If we had a time machine, and set it back to 1998! [ laughs ]

Employee: [ faux laughs ] Can you please just help me? It just froze up. I need an e-mail - it's very important, it's for a report that I'm doing today.

Nick Burns: Did you make a back-up file?

Employee: No.

Nick Burns: Never do. Just leave it here - we'll do some carbon-dating on it!

Employee: I don't like you guys. [ exits ]

Rhonda: Wow.. if we need any replacement parts, we'll use an Atari 2600!

Nick Burns: That's a good one, Rhonda!

Rhonda: You know what irks me? Those buffoons never back-up their files.

Parker: Oh, I don't have to worry about that. I set up my Retrospect remote to back-up my hard drive every Sunday at 3 a.m.

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Retrospect only works with your documents, not your third-party software!

Rhonda: Say goodbye to your system resources! [ laughs ]

Parker: Well, hey.. can you guys cover for me? I better go home and back that stuff up. Are you gonna be on-line later?

Nick Burns: Yeah. Hey, yeah. What's your screen name again?

Parker: [ sighs ] You know what it is, don't do this to me.

Nick Burns: No, no, no.. I can't remember. What is it?

Parker: [ low ] "Sexyman 48".

Nick Burns: [ laughs ] What?

Parker: "Sexyman 48"!

Rhonda: Okay, see you later, "Sexyman"!

[ Parker exits ]

Nick Burns: That guy's a real geek! He gives us computer technicians a bad name, you know?

Rhonda: You know, that worm probably lives in his mom's basement!

Nick Burns: [ nervous ] Hey, cut the guy some slack. Rent's high. Rent's high. Rent's high.

Rhonda: Nick, I know that you live with your mom.. but I like you.. and I also like the way you make fun of people who know less than you do about computers. I think it's.. sexy.

Nick Burns: You do? I was thinking, maybe you could come over to my Mom's crib later on.. we could play Playstation 2, or something.. look at some games..

[ they awkwardly lean closer for a kiss, until one of their beepers go off - they both check their collection of beepers to see whose it is ]

Rhonda: Oh, damn!

Nick Burns: You?

Rhonda: It's me. It's those idiots in Marketing. They probably need grief counseling because Pets.com went under. I gotta go. [ starts to walk away ] I thought I was going to get my first kiss..

Nick Burns: Me, too..

[ she leans up to kiss him, both of them trembling, then she steps away ]

Rhonda: [ turns around ] Oh, by the way - you're welcome!
[ Nick is left looking amazed that he finally got his first kiss ]

Jingle: "'Cause he's Nick Burns, your Company Computer Guy!"


SNL Transcripts