Nick Burns: Your Company Computer Guy
Parker…..Chris Parnell
Rhonda…..Calista Flockhart
Nick Burns…..Jimmy Fallon
Employee…..Chris Kattan
[ open on interior, company Technical Support room ]
Parker: Hey, did you see the cover of MacUser Magazine?
Rhonda: Oh, the one with the G-Form-2 on it?
Parker: Next to the Silicon Graphics ZX-10, it’s got to be thecoolest computer in the world!
Nick Burns: [ enters ] Yeah, if, by “cool”, you mean a computer thatdoesn’t have an expansion bay, extra-SIM slots, then yeah, I guess it’sthe fondue of computers, Dilbert!
Theme Song: “Nick Burns, the computer guy. He’ll fix your computer, then he’s going to make fun of you. Cause he’s Nick Burns, the company’s computer guy.”
Nick Burns: Hey, Rhonda, you’re not letting Parker corrupt your harddrive with that crap about the Q-bar, are you?
Rhonda: Oh, don’t worry. This guy’s not getting anywherenear my hard drive!
Parker: I was just saying that the Qube looks better than the G-4tower.
Nick Burns: Oh, yeah? So does Cindy Margulies, but I can’t runQuicken on her.
Parker: [ laughing ] Touche! I would have said Danni Ashe, becauseshe shows her melons. But still, a good one, Nick!
Rhonda: Really good one, Nick. Where ya’ been?
Nick Burns: Oh, jeepers creepers.. I was trying to help those moronson the 3rd floor. They’re trying to run RealPlayer behind a firewall withoutthe proxy set. Can you believe that?
Parker: You should take away their Internet. Those guys are dense!
Employee: [ enters with laptop under his arm ] Hey, Nick.
Rhonda: Here’s one of Jerry’s Kids now.
Employee: What was that?
Nick Burns: She said you’re one of Jerry’s Kids. Now, what do youwant?
Employee: My laptop’s messed up. Uh.. I was sending a file, and it broke.
Nick Burns: [ looking at the laptop ] Geez Louise! Where’d you get that, the “Antiques Road Show”?
Parker: Yeah, uh.. we could take a look at that, and then I could takea look at your copy of “Tron” on BetaMax.
Rhonda: [ laughing ] I remember that model. It came bundled with Frogger!
Employee: You guys gonna help me?
Nick Burns: Show me what you’re doing..
Employee: Well, I’m trying to save it.. so I downloaded it..
Nick Burns: Uh-huh.
Employee: ..and then I pushed..
Nick Burns: Yeah.
Employee: ..this button, and I..
Nick Burns: Uh-huh. Yeah. Move! God, do you run the Interneton this thing? It looks like it’s got a 28.8, or something!
[ techies laugh ]
Rhonda: We could upgrade your modem to a 56.6! [ laughs ]
Employee: Can you.. can you do that?
Parker: Oh, sure. If we had a time machine, and set it back to 1998! [ laughs ]
Employee: [ faux laughs ] Can you please just help me? It just frozeup. I need an e-mail – it’s very important, it’s for a report that I’mdoing today.
Nick Burns: Did you make a back-up file?
Employee: No.
Nick Burns: Never do. Just leave it here – we’ll do some carbon-dating on it!
Employee: I don’t like you guys. [ exits ]
Rhonda: Wow.. if we need any replacement parts, we’ll use anAtari 2600!
Nick Burns: That’s a good one, Rhonda!
Rhonda: You know what irks me? Those buffoons never back-up their files.
Parker: Oh, I don’t have to worry about that. I set up my Retrospectremote to back-up my hard drive every Sunday at 3 a.m.
Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Retrospect only works with your documents,not your third-party software!
Rhonda: Say goodbye to your system resources! [ laughs ]
Parker: Well, hey.. can you guys cover for me? I better go homeand back that stuff up. Are you gonna be on-line later?
Nick Burns: Yeah. Hey, yeah. What’s your screen name again?
Parker: [ sighs ] You know what it is, don’t do this to me.
Nick Burns: No, no, no.. I can’t remember. What is it?
Parker: [ low ] “Sexyman 48”.
Nick Burns: [ laughs ] What?
Parker: “Sexyman 48”!
Rhonda: Okay, see you later, “Sexyman”!
[ Parker exits ]Nick Burns: That guy’s a real geek! He gives us computertechnicians a bad name, you know?
Rhonda: You know, that worm probably lives in his mom’s basement!
Nick Burns: [ nervous ] Hey, cut the guy some slack. Rent’s high. Rent’s high.Rent’s high.
Rhonda: Nick, I know that you live with your mom.. but I like you..and I also like the way you make fun of people who know less than you doabout computers. I think it’s.. sexy.
Nick Burns: You do? I was thinking, maybe you could come over to myMom’s crib later on.. we could play Playstation 2, or something.. look atsome games..
[ they awkwardly lean closer for a kiss, until one of their beepers go off -they both check their collection of beepers to see whose it is ]Rhonda: Oh, damn!
Nick Burns: You?
Rhonda: It’s me. It’s those idiots in Marketing. They probablyneed grief counseling because Pets.com went under. I gotta go. [ starts towalk away ] I thought I was going to get my first kiss..
Nick Burns: Me, too..
[ she leans up to kiss him, both of them trembling, then she steps away ]Rhonda: [ turns around ] Oh, by the way – you’re welcome!
[ Nick is left looking amazed that he finally got his first kiss ]
Jingle: “‘Cause he’s Nick Burns, your Company Computer Guy!”
