Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3






04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

Hardball

Chris Matthews.....Darrell Hammond
Ed Gillespie.....Seth Meyers
Mary Beth Cahill.....Amy Poehler
Zell Miller.....Will Forte

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to "Hardball" I'm Chris Matthews. ..... handling him like Kobe Bryant backstage at the Teen Choice Awards. Has President Bush lost his momentum, and will Kerry capitalize? Here to discuss is chairman of the Republican National Committee, a man who never stops smiling, ever. Ed Gillespie.

Ed Gillespie: [smiling strangely] Chris, thank you so much for having me. You guys are doing a wonderful job here. I gotta say -

Chris Matthews: - Nope! Also joining us, Kerry campaign manager, Mary Beth Cahill.

Mary Beth Cahill: [eyes sticking out] Great to be here, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Good god, Cahill. I haven't seen eyes like that since Jim Henson glued 'em to a sock. Ed Gillespie, let's start with you. How does Bush plan to rebound from his lackluster performance in these debates?

Ed Gillespie: Simple, Chris. By staying on message. And that message is that George Bush is the only candidate who can win the war on terror. I don't know if you've seen our new ad, but terrorist are like wolves. I think people want a president, like George Bush, who will strip himself to the waste, run full speed into the forest, and kill the wolves with his bare hands. Sure, John Kerry like to play dress up in camouflage and shoot geese, but while he's out hunting geese, there's a wolf in your house, eating your baby.

Chris Matthews: That's a pretty impressive fear mongering, Gillespie. Between the war mongering in Iraq and the fear mongering here at home, how much mongering do you have left? Ha! Mary Beth Cahill, John Kerry has taken some eat in the past week from mentioning the vice-president's daughter's a lesbian. Will that remark end up hurting Kerry come November 2nd?

Mary Beth Cahill: Chris, Mary Cheney is an outspoken lesbian. So as far as we're concerned, she's fair game. We shouldn't have to tiptoe around that fact anymore than we should tiptoe around the fact that her father, Dick Cheney, is slightly overweight. We're not telling anyone anything they don't already know. Mary Cheney is a hardcore carpet cleaner. ... And her dad is a big ol' fatty boombalatty.

Chris Matthews: Good god. Ed Gillespie, recent polls show Senator Kerry is gaining as much as 11 points over the coarse of the last month. Are you concerned?

Ed Gillespie: Golly, Chris. I don't know what polls you're looking at. According to everyone I've talked to at the Republican National Committee, Bush is going to win anywhere from 97 to 100% of the popular vote. I'm not trying to spin you there, Chris. It's going really good.

Chris Matthews: You gotta be kidding me, Gillespie. You're spinning harder than George Bush's college dorm room after nicke-de-bel-bleh-[mumbling] beer night! Mary Beth Cahill, how are the polls effecting John Kerry now that we're approaching the home stretch?

Mary Beth Cahill: Chris, we don't run our campaign according to the latest polls, we prefer to stick to the issues that affect the American people. Issues like the fact that our vice-president's daughter is a stone-cold lesbone. Or that she may, from time to time, take a vacation diving for muff off the coast of "dyke"-achusetts. Or that she wakes up early in the morning, looks over at her life partner, and lovingly says "time to bang the donut!"

[Cahill stares at camera with wide open eyes, Chris looks confused]

Chris Matthews: Correct me if I'm wrong, but we're still talking about a presidential election right?

Mary Beth Cahill: I'm not sure anymore, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Joining us now is someone who might be able to shed some light on how Bush can regain some of that post-convention momentum. Key note speaker at the Republican National Convention and a guy who would have chilled the crowd at the Nuremberg rallies, democratic senator, Zell Miller.

Zell Miller: [shouting hysterically] It's good to be here, Chris!!!

Chris Matthews: Senator Miller, some have said that your appearance at the convention may have backfired for the president, saying you came off as angry. How do you respond to that?

Zell Miller: You know what makes me angry, Chris?!! Sadaam Hussein!!! Osama Bin Laden makes me angry!!! John Kerry makes me angry with his $200 haircuts, his fancy ketchup wife, and his Ben Frank-o's!!! I don't want my president to be some liberal senator from Massachusetts. I want a president who protects my family with big old bombs and airplanes and spaceships!!! John Kerry wants to give our soldiers spitballs Chris!!! SPITBALLS!!!

Chris Matthews: You don't seriously believe that, Senator Miller?

Zell Miller: What'd you say to me, boy?!!

Chris Matthews: I said you can't honestly suggest that Senator Kerry would arm our troops with spitballs?

Zell Miller: It was a metaphor, Chris!!! I'll tell you what, I wish we was in the days where you could still challenge a man to a duel!!! I'd come down there and slap the yellow off of that head of yours!!!

Chris Matthews: All right. Before Zell Miller gets down here and murders me, final thoughts. Smiley?

[Gillespie smiling excitedly]

Ed Gillespie: Just polled myself. Looks like 100% of me is going to vote for Bush.

Chris Matthews: No kidding. Googly eyes?

[Cahill stares around with eyes wide open]

Mary Beth Cahill: All this talk about polls, you know whose never been poled in her life?? Mary Cheney!

Chris Matthews: Yico rooney. Yosemite Sam?

[Miller pulls out two shotguns]

Zell Miller: The pistols and I, Matthews!!! You and me!!! 20 paces!! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!!!

Chris Matthews: When we come back, Senator Miller is going to try to shoot me, and we'll see if Mary Beth Cahill's eyes pop out of her head, but first ... "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


Transcribed by: Chris Fuentes


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