Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 16

This free script provided by

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 24th, 2007

Peyton Manning

Carrie Underwood


Archie Manning

Eli Manning

Olivia Manning

Dan Aykroyd

Cooper Manning

A Message From the President of the United States
Summary: Alberto Gonzales (Fred Armisen) reacts nervously as President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) speaks about him to the nation.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Alberto Gonzales.


Peyton Manning's Monologue
Summary: Peyton Manning tells the audience what inspires him and introduces his family.

Note: In dress rehearsal, Amy Poehler played a Patriots fan who heckles Manning from the audience.

Bio: Peyton Manning (1976-). Athlete; quarterback for Indianapolis Colts since 1998; MVP at Super Bowl XLI (2007); runs his own charity organization, the Peyback Foundation.

Bio: Archie Manning (1949-). Athlete; best remembered as quarterback for New Orleans Saints, 1971-82.

Bio: Eli Manning (1981-). Athlete; quarterback for New York Giants since 2004.


United Way
Summary: Peyton Manning treats young kids roughly while serving as their mentor.


Bronx Beat with Betty & Jodi
Summary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter with an attractive zookeeper (Peyton Manning).

Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Josi Deitz.

ESPN's NCAA Tournament Pool Party
Summary: A ditzy secretary (Amy Poehler) has managed a perfect pool score by making picks that have nothing to do with sports knowledge.


Penelope the Party Pooper
Summary: Penelope (Kristen Wiig) one-ups party guests.


TV Funhouse
Summary: In Rob Smigel's parody of educational children's cartoons, little explorer Maraka and her pet cat seek audience participation to rescue a baby penguin.


Locker Room Motivation
Summary: Coach (Will Forte) tries to inspire his basketball team's impending loss by playing the 1967 theme from "Casino Royale."


Carrie Underwood performs "Before He Cheats"
Bio: Carrie Underwood (1983-). Country pop singer/songwriter; fourth season winner from "American Idol".

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Summary: Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) announces his bid to run for President in 2008. Seth Meyers discusses the fate of a polar bear cub during "Zoo News." The song stylings of "American Idol" contestant, Sanjaya (Andy Samberg), brings audience members (Kristen Wiig, Fred Armisen) and Dan Aykroyd to tears.

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun, Sanjaya.

Summary: While filming a climactic scene from "300", an actor (Peyton Manning) frustrates the film's director (Jason Sudeikis) by refusing to throw a large rock at a fellow actor (Fred Armisen).


Carrie Underwood performs "Wasted"

Coffee Chat
Summary: Porch sitter (Kristen Wiig) and her husband (Peyton Manning) dispense distasteful gossip while drinking coffee on their back porch.

Recurring Characters: Porch Sitter.


Meatloaf Lovers
Summary: Peyton Manning loves the new Mercedes-550 because he can cook a tasty meat loaf while he drives pantsless.


Air Force One
Summary: The perfect shoe for white guys who don't have basketball skills.

Note: This commercial parody was cut from the dress rehearsals for the last three episodes.


Bio: Cooper Manning (1974-). Oldest Manning brother, and the only one of the three who did not pursue a career in professional football.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Jojo the Busboy
Summary: Spunky country club valet, Jojo (Amy Poehler), hits on female tennis player (Maya Rudolph).

Prison Folk Group
Summary: Prisoners react violently to a pair of effeminate folk singers (Peyton Manning, Fred Armisen) performing for them.

Vegas Revue
Summary: Two women (Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig) in Las Vegas are eager to see an Elvis impersonator (Peyton Manning) perform.

Appalachian Emergency Room
Summary: More hijinks with the Appalachian Emergency Room crowd.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance.

Mrs. Hastings
Summary: Mrs. Hastings (Kenan Thompson) tries to seduce Peyton Manning at a party.

Recurring Characters: Mrs. Hastings.

SNL Transcripts