Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 1

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

September 13th, 2008

Michael Phelps

Lil Wayne


Tina Fey

William Shatner

Debbie Phelps

Jared Fogel


A Non-Partisan Message From Sarah Palin & Hillary Clinton
Summary: Sarah Palin (Tina Fey) and Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) strive to deliver a nonpartisan message despite their disparaging feelings toward one another.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.



Michael Phelps' Monologue
Summary: Michael Phelps tries to avoid hasty endorsements like William Shatner and introduces his mom (Amy Poehler) and his real mom.

Bio: Michael Phelps (1985-). Swimmer; won eight gold medals at the 2008 Olympic Games, surpassing Mark Spitz's record of seven at the 1972 Olympic Games.

Note: The monologue was originally to have centered around Sen. Barack Obama, who was scheduled to make a cameo appearance but cancelled the night before because of Hurricane Ike's landfall in Texas. Chuck Norris was also scheduled to make a cameo appearance during the monologue, but likewise cancelled because of Hurricane Ike.


Quiz Bowl
Summary: The home-schooled Jasper Family competes against the public school-educated students of Richmond High.


Jar Glove
Summary: The product that offers a more viable solution for opening a jar that doesn't involve accidental homicide.


Locker Room Motivation
Summary: Coach (Will Forte) tries to inspire his swim team's impending loss by playing "Dancing Plants".

Recurring Characters: Coach.


Craig & Stacia
Summary: Mr. and Mrs. Triggs (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler) are oblivious to how annoying his employees find their oversized daughter Stacia (Kristen Wiig) and her gangly cousin Craig (Michael Phelps).

Recurring Characters: Mr. Triggs, Mrs. Triggs, Stacia.

Lil Wayne performs "Got Money"

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Summary: Alaska Pete (Will Forte) takes offense to media bias against Sarah Palin; political comedian Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) is unable to finish his thoughts on current events or Seth Meyers; comics page Cathy (Andy Samberg) frets about her life.

Recurring Characters: Nicholas Fehn.

The Charles Barkley Show
Summary: In order to pay back his gambling debts, Charles Barkley (Kenan Thompson) interviews Bela Karolyi (Darrell Hammond) and Michael Phelps in a Las Vegas' Wynn Casino's day care.

Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley, Bela Karolyi.

Summary: Dad (Jason Sudeikis) gets in trouble with Mom (Kristen wiig) after agreeing with his son (Michael Phelps) that his daughter's (Casey Wilson) friends are hot.


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Andy Samberg sings about the "Space Olympics".


Pizzeria Uno
Summary: Mark Payne (Bobby Moynihan) waits on a couple (Michael Phelps, Amy Poehler).


Lil Wayne performs "Lollipop"

The Michael Phelps Diet
Summary: The fail-safe weight-loss approach that has dieters eating as many calories as Michael Phelps.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Summary: Yet another online matchmaking ad parody.

The Justice League of America
Summary: To downsize their organization, Justice League members decide to let weak link Aquaman (Michael Phelps) go.

Larry King
Summary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) attempts an unsuccessful interview with newspaper reporter Bob Woodward (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Larry King.

Budget Bridal Gowns
Summary: Save money on bridal gowns by buying secondhand apparel complete with stains.

Katy Perry
Summary: Singer Katy Perry (Casey Wilson) stresses that she has other songs besides "I Kissed a Girl".

Old Days
Summary: While watching a football game, a couple of old men (LeBron James, Kenan Thompson) talk about how the game used to be played in the old days.

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