Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:



September 13th, 2008

Michael Phelps

Lil Wayne

None

Tina Fey

William Shatner

Debbie Phelps

Jared Fogel

None


A Non-Partisan Message From Sarah Palin & Hillary Clinton
Summary: Sarah Palin (Tina Fey) and Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) strive to deliver a nonpartisan message despite their disparaging feelings toward one another.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.

Transcript


Montage


Michael Phelps' Monologue
Summary: Michael Phelps tries to avoid hasty endorsements like William Shatner and introduces his mom (Amy Poehler) and his real mom.

Bio: Michael Phelps (1985-). Swimmer; won eight gold medals at the 2008 Olympic Games, surpassing Mark Spitz's record of seven at the 1972 Olympic Games.

Note: The monologue was originally to have centered around Sen. Barack Obama, who was scheduled to make a cameo appearance but cancelled the night before because of Hurricane Ike's landfall in Texas. Chuck Norris was also scheduled to make a cameo appearance during the monologue, but likewise cancelled because of Hurricane Ike.

Transcript


Quiz Bowl
Summary: The home-schooled Jasper Family competes against the public school-educated students of Richmond High.

Transcript


Jar Glove
Summary: The product that offers a more viable solution for opening a jar that doesn't involve accidental homicide.

Transcript


Locker Room Motivation
Summary: Coach (Will Forte) tries to inspire his swim team's impending loss by playing "Dancing Plants".

Recurring Characters: Coach.

Transcript


Craig & Stacia
Summary: Mr. and Mrs. Triggs (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler) are oblivious to how annoying his employees find their oversized daughter Stacia (Kristen Wiig) and her gangly cousin Craig (Michael Phelps).

Recurring Characters: Mr. Triggs, Mrs. Triggs, Stacia.


Lil Wayne performs "Got Money"
Lyrics


Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Summary: Alaska Pete (Will Forte) takes offense to media bias against Sarah Palin; political comedian Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) is unable to finish his thoughts on current events or Seth Meyers; comics page Cathy (Andy Samberg) frets about her life.

Recurring Characters: Nicholas Fehn.


The Charles Barkley Show
Summary: In order to pay back his gambling debts, Charles Barkley (Kenan Thompson) interviews Bela Karolyi (Darrell Hammond) and Michael Phelps in a Las Vegas' Wynn Casino's day care.

Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley, Bela Karolyi.


T-Mobile
Summary: Dad (Jason Sudeikis) gets in trouble with Mom (Kristen wiig) after agreeing with his son (Michael Phelps) that his daughter's (Casey Wilson) friends are hot.

Transcript


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Andy Samberg sings about the "Space Olympics".

Transcript


Pizzeria Uno
Summary: Mark Payne (Bobby Moynihan) waits on a couple (Michael Phelps, Amy Poehler).

Transcript


Lil Wayne performs "Lollipop"
Lyrics


The Michael Phelps Diet
Summary: The fail-safe weight-loss approach that has dieters eating as many calories as Michael Phelps.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

LoveMatchConnect.com
Summary: Yet another online matchmaking ad parody.


The Justice League of America
Summary: To downsize their organization, Justice League members decide to let weak link Aquaman (Michael Phelps) go.


Larry King
Summary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) attempts an unsuccessful interview with newspaper reporter Bob Woodward (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Larry King.


Budget Bridal Gowns
Summary: Save money on bridal gowns by buying secondhand apparel complete with stains.


Katy Perry
Summary: Singer Katy Perry (Casey Wilson) stresses that she has other songs besides "I Kissed a Girl".


Old Days
Summary: While watching a football game, a couple of old men (LeBron James, Kenan Thompson) talk about how the game used to be played in the old days.


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