Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 1
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
September 13th, 2008
Michael Phelps
Lil Wayne
None
Tina Fey
William Shatner
Debbie Phelps
Jared Fogel
None
A Non-Partisan Message From Sarah Palin & Hillary ClintonSummary: Sarah Palin (Tina Fey) and Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) strive to deliver a nonpartisan message despite their disparaging feelings toward one another.
Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.
Transcript
Montage
Michael Phelps’ MonologueSummary: Michael Phelps tries to avoid hasty endorsements like William Shatner and introduces his mom (Amy Poehler) and his real mom.
Bio: Michael Phelps
(1985-). Swimmer; won eight gold medals at the 2008 Olympic Games
, surpassing Mark Spitz’s record of seven at the 1972 Olympic Games.
Note: The monologue was originally to have centered around Sen. Barack Obama, who was scheduled to make a cameo appearance but cancelled the night before because of Hurricane Ike’s landfall in Texas. Chuck Norris was also scheduled to make a cameo appearance during the monologue, but likewise cancelled because of Hurricane Ike.
Transcript
Quiz BowlSummary: The home-schooled Jasper Family competes against the public school-educated students of Richmond High.
Transcript
Jar GloveSummary: The product that offers a more viable solution for opening a jar that doesn’t involve accidental homicide.
Transcript
Locker Room MotivationSummary: Coach (Will Forte) tries to inspire his swim team’s impending loss by playing “Dancing Plants”.
Recurring Characters: Coach.
Transcript
Craig & StaciaSummary: Mr. and Mrs. Triggs (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler) are oblivious to how annoying his employees find their oversized daughter Stacia (Kristen Wiig) and her gangly cousin Craig (Michael Phelps).
Recurring Characters: Mr. Triggs, Mrs. Triggs, Stacia.
Lil Wayne performs “Got Money”Lyrics
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Alaska Pete (Will Forte) takes offense to media bias against Sarah Palin; political comedian Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) is unable to finish his thoughts on current events or Seth Meyers; comics page Cathy (Andy Samberg) frets about her life.
Recurring Characters: Nicholas Fehn.
The Charles Barkley ShowSummary: In order to pay back his gambling debts, Charles Barkley (Kenan Thompson) interviews Bela Karolyi (Darrell Hammond) and Michael Phelps in a Las Vegas’ Wynn Casino’s day care.
Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley, Bela Karolyi.
T-MobileSummary: Dad (Jason Sudeikis) gets in trouble with Mom (Kristen wiig) after agreeing with his son (Michael Phelps) that his daughter’s (Casey Wilson) friends are hot.
Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg sings about the “Space Olympics”.
Transcript
Pizzeria UnoSummary: Mark Payne (Bobby Moynihan) waits on a couple (Michael Phelps, Amy Poehler).
Transcript
Lil Wayne performs “Lollipop”Lyrics
The Michael Phelps DietSummary: The fail-safe weight-loss approach that has dieters eating as many calories as Michael Phelps.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
LoveMatchConnect.comSummary: Yet another online matchmaking ad parody.
The Justice League of AmericaSummary: To downsize their organization, Justice League members decide to let weak link Aquaman (Michael Phelps) go.
Larry KingSummary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) attempts an unsuccessful interview with newspaper reporter Bob Woodward (Darrell Hammond).
Recurring Characters: Larry King.
Budget Bridal GownsSummary: Save money on bridal gowns by buying secondhand apparel complete with stains.
Katy PerrySummary: Singer Katy Perry (Casey Wilson) stresses that she has other songs besides “I Kissed a Girl”.
Old DaysSummary: While watching a football game, a couple of old men (LeBron James, Kenan Thompson) talk about how the game used to be played in the old days.
History’s Greatest Stories
Add Note: William Shatner and Guy Ferrari can be visible in the audience.