Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 18
08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson
Astronaut Jones
Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Klilgarian Woman…..Andy Samberg
Astronaut Jones: [ speaking into space phone ] Come in, Earth! I’m on the planet Klilgar! I’m collecting very interesting stones for the collection! I’ve found no signs of life on this planet! It’s a cold and dead planet! Wait, one second! Someone or something is coming!
Jingle:
“Rocket
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!
Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Goodbye, human race
I’ll be there soon.
Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
Yes, I said adventure
collecting stones.
Yeah, it’s my way
on the ol’ space highway.
That’s why they all say
“There goes Astronaut Jones!”
Hey!”
Announcer: “Astronuat Jones”! Tonight’s episode: “Episode 6: The Ice Planet”.
[ dissolve back to scene ]Astronaut Jones: I can’t talk right now, Earth! I’m making contact with a Krilgarian woman!
Krilgarian Woman: Earth creature…
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Krilgarian Woman: You have ventured into the Krilgarian Galaxy without permission.
Astronaut Jones: Say what?
Krilgarian Woman: I am Xerba the Beautiful…
Astronaut Jones: Dig it.
Krilgarian Woman: …and I have been instructed by my leaders to take you my hostage and keep you as my prisoner.
Astronaut Jones: Drop it like it’s hot.
Krilgarian Woman: Do not attempt to escape…
Astronaut Jones: Jump on you!
Krilgarian Woman: My powers are great, and I will not hesitate to use them against you.
Astronaut Jones: Make me hungry!
Krilgarian Woman: No Earth creaturee has escaped from Krilgar…
Astronaut Jones: Word, say word!
Krilgarian Woman: You will be placed in our testing laboratory…
Astronaut Jones: Where?
Krilgarian Woman: …’til you are no longer of use.
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Krilgarian Woman: Then, you will be eaten.
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Krilgarian Woman: What say you to this, Earth Man?
Astronaut Jones: I say you drop down that skirt, and let me get that green dugout!
Krilgarian Woman: [ a beat ] This is not possible. Krilgarians do not have vaginas.
Astronaut Jones: What they got?
Krilgarian Woman: Instead, we possess something more like your Earth Man penis, only bigger.
Astronaut Jones: Hey! We’re in space, baby — penis, vagina, it’s all good!
Jingle:
“Rocket
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!”
Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.
Voice: You like?
Astronaut Jones V/O: You’re lookin’ up, money!
[ fade ]