SNL Transcripts: Jon Hamm: 01/30/10: Jon Hamm’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

Jon Hamm’s Monologue

….Jon Hamm
Trevor…..Andy Samberg
Student…..Abby Elliott
Saleswoman…..Kristen Wiig
Jam Announcer……Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jon Hamm!

Jon Hamm: Thank you. Thank you! Thank you very much! Wow!

[ Cheers and applause from the audience. ]

Jon Hamm: It’s always been a dream of mine to host “SNL”. And that dream came true last year when I did it. So… honestly this time, it’s just for the paycheck. Now some of you may know me from the AMC show “Mad Men”.

[ Cheers and applause from the audience. ]

Jon Hamm: A lot of guys come up to me and say they totally identify with Don Draper, which I’m pretty sure means they want to cheat on their wife. Um… but so many people identify me with that character that they don’t realize I’ve been acting a long time. Um, in fact, before I was cast as the mysterious and debonair Don Draper, I did a bunch of stuff. For example, in the early 90’s, I had a guest spot on the teen sitcom “Late for Class”. I played the new kid at school — Bonzo. Uh, I think we have a clip of it. Check it out…

[ The music and graphic for “Late for Class”. ] [ TREVOR and a STUDENT stand in front of hall lockers. ]

Trevor: Oh no! I forgot about the quiz!

Student: You better not cheat of me, Trevor!

Trevor: Hey Bonzo! Did you hear? We have a quiz in geography!!

[ BONZO is dressed exactly like Don Draper from “Mad Men”. ]

Jon Hamm: Lower your voice. Show a little respect! You panic every time there’s a quiz, as if it matters.

[ Trevor and the female student stare at Bonzo dumbfounded. ]

Jon Hamm: You go through life. Like a cockroach in the dirt. You people make me sick!

[ Bonzo exits. ]

Trevor: Bonzo’s crazy!

[ The female student gazes lustfully. ]

Student: Crazy hot.

[ The music and graphic for “Late for Class”. ] [ Jon’s a bit exasperated as his feet glide onto home base from the quick costume change. ]

Jon Hamm: Bonzo died that episode. He was there to teach those kids about bike safety. But that was actually one of my better gigs. At one point, I had to do QVC. I think we have that, too?

[ QVC logo and music. ] [ A SALESWOMAN dressed in earth toned clothing holds numerous turquoise necklaces. A table displaying the jewelry’s in front of her. ]

Saleswoman: Can you believe this? This is genuine turquoise from MAY-HEE-CO. That’s Mexico, people!

[ The saleswoman laughs hysterically. ] [ Jon Hamm, dressed again as Draper, comes in. ]

Jon Hamm: Calm down!!! You’re hysterical.

Saleswoman: What?

Jon Hamm: Sometimes I feel like I’m selling jewelry with a little girl.

Saleswoman: But it’s genuine Mexican silver. It comes in a clasp and a ring and a –-

[ Not facing her, Jon slaps the woman across the face and departs. ]

Saleswoman: Wait! I’m sorry!

[ The saleswoman extends her hand. ]

Saleswoman: I love you!!

[ The saleswoman hastily picks up jewelry on the display table and holds it high. ]

Saleswoman: I love you!!

[ Jon’s back at home base. ]

Jon Hamm: I actually had sex with that woman. You know, being a working actor is a bumpy road. But sometimes you catch a break — like when I got to do stand-up on Def Comedy Jam.

[ Footage of an emcee introducing the next act to the audience from Russell Simmons’ Def Comedy Jam. ]

Announcer (V/O): All right! Put ya hands together. For my boy — Jon Hamm!!

[ Jon’s smoking a cigarette and holding a glass of whiskey. ]

Jon Hamm: Have you seen them? You know what I’m talking about? Those roundaway girls. With them big booties? And the stink!? Deez need to wash they ass!

[ Def Jam audience goes wild. ] [ Jon’s back at home base. ]

Jon Hamm: And that’s how I got “Mad Men”. All right, we have a great show. Michael Buble’ is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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