Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16
















09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

Vogelchecks

Ronny.....Bobby Moynihan
Shelley.....Jenny Slate
Mrs. Vogelcheck.....Kristen Wiig
Mr. Vogelcheck.....Fred Armisen
Dwayne.....Bill Hader
Old Man.....Kenan Thompson
Father Yankovic.....Zach Galifianakis
Old Lady.....Abby Elliott
Great Grand Father Vogelcheck.....Will Forte

[Scenes open to the exterior of a funeral house with 2 black limos and a hurs parked in the front]

Ronny: Ah Shelley Thank you for traveling with me to my Great Grand fatherís funeral.

Shelley: Are you kidding? Youíre my Guy. I want to be with you... the good times and the bad.

[Ronny laughs]

Ronny: Well i guess one good thing to come out of this is that youíll get to meet the whole family but i should probably tell you my family is pretty close.

Shelley: Ok.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Ronny!

Ronny: Oh hi mom!

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Itís so good to see you!

[Mrs. Vogelcheck walks up to Ronny and extends her arm to give Ronny a kiss on the right cheek.]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Look at you all sharp.

[Mrs. Vogelcheck leans in and keeps giving Ronny a kiss after each word she says.]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: In your suite (Kiss on the cheek). Iím so glad (Kiss on the cheek). That you can (Kiss on the cheek). Make it to the service.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Hey There. You look like my son Ronny.

Ronny: Hey Dad

[Both Ronny and Mr. Vogelcheck chuckle]

Ronny: Iím sorry about grand pa Vogelcheck.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Thatís ok he lived a full life.

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: Heís in a much better place

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Iím just happy (Kisses Ronny on the cheek). That we can all (Kiss on the cheek). Be together (Kiss on the cheek).

[Camera cuts back to Shelley with a look of disgust on her face. She seems very uncomfortable.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: Donít you forget. Your great grand father loved you.

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: Loved You

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: Do you understand that?

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: Youíre a man.

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: He loved you

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: He loved you

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth twice.]

Ronny: Mom, Dad this is Shelley the girl i told you about.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Miss Shelley, thank You for being here.

[Mr. Vogelcheck takes a bow]

Shelley: Iím... Iím so sorry for your loss.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Ah! I appreciate that but we have a saying in the Volgelcheck family: ďNever says youíre sorry and never admit your wrongĒ

[Everybody nods in agreement.]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Ah Ronny weíll be here for a little bit and then proceed with the service.

Mr. Vogelcheck: My beautiful wife she has handle all the details this week. You know who you are? your my rock.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Oh Hunny!

Mr. Vogelcheck: you are my rock.

[Mr. Vogelcheck and mother move in and put there lips together and make multiple ďnumsĒ sounds]

[Mrs. Vogelcheck sticks out her tongue and Mr. Vogelcheck puts his mouth over her entire tongue]

[Camera cuts to Shelley and Ronny. Shelley is in disgust but Ronny is flattered by the love his parents are showing]

[Dwayne comes threw the doors behind Shelley and Ronny]

Dwayne: Hey! You got Humpty Dumpty in here.

[Dwayne grabs Ronny by the shoulders.]

Ronny: Oh hey Dwayne.

Dwayne: Ah dating a new girlfriend but you used to play with dolls?

Ronny: Oh Come on man.

[Shelley Ronny and Dwaine chuckle]

Dwayne: Iím just trying to light the mood. Hey come here.

[Dwayne leans in and starts to make out with Ronny. Shelley tries to look away from both men kissing. Ronny attempt several times to put his hand on Dwayneís face while they kiss but Dwayne pulls his hand down. Dwayne puts his hand on Ronnyís breasts.]

Dwayne: Alright!

Ronny: Dwayne!

[Dwayne and Ronny both chuckle]

Dwayne: Hey Pop!

[Dwayne reaches down and grabs Mr. Vogelcheck groin]

Dwayne: Ma!

[Dwayne reaches over and grabs Mrs. Vogelcheck breasts]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Ah Dwayne thank you for picking up all the cold cuts

Dwayne: Ah donít mention it. Itís just a bunch of turkeys roll up into little shapes. You know?

[An old man enters the room]

Old Man: Excuse me! Is this the service for Arthur Monroe?

Mr. Vogelcheck: Iím... Iím sorry this is the wrong room.

Old Man: Oh! Well.. Thank you kindly

[Old man leans over and kisses Mr. Vogelcheck on the mouth and leaves the room]

[Camera cuts to Shelley and Ronny. Shelley is shocked to see both the old man and Mr. Vogelcheck kissing]

Mrs. Vogelcheck V/O: Come on letís take a load off.

[Mrs. Vogelcheck leads Shelley and Ronny to take a seat close to the casket.]

[Dwayne stands beside Mr. Vogelcheck]

Mr. Vogelcheck: You look great.

Dwayne: Ah!

Mr. Vogelcheck: you look really great

Dwayne: Thanks

Mr. Vogelcheck: You look really really great

Dwayne: Ya Thanks. Look!

[Father Yankovic enters the room.]

Father Yankovic: Hello Volgelchecks.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Father Yankovic

Father Yankovic: Please know that grand father Volgelcheck is at peace.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Thank You (in a sad tone)

[Father Yankovic grabs Mr. Volgelcheck behind the head and dips him. He starts to make out with Mr. Volgelcheck. After a while Father Yankovic brings Mr. Volgelcheck back to his feet]

Father Yankovic: Dwayne i have not seen you in service in a while

Dwayne: Hey Father i donít mean disrespect.

Mr. Vogelcheck: You listen to this man he is very religious

Father Yankovic: Thank You

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and gives Father Yankovic a kiss on the mouth]

Father Yankovic: I respect you.

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and gives Father Yankovic a kiss on the mouth]

Mr. Vogelcheck: Youíre a wise man

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and gives Father Yankovic a kiss on the mouth]

Mr. Vogelcheck: Youíre a smart man

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and gives Father Yankovic a kiss on the mouth]

Mr. Vogelcheck: An a good one.

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and gives Father Yankovic a kiss on the mouth]

Mr. Vogelcheck: Itís ok

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and gives Father Yankovic a kiss on the mouth]

Mr. Vogelcheck: I donít mind

[Camera pans out and sees Father Yankovic and Mr. Volgelcheck kissing in the background. Shelley and Mrs. Volgecheck are sitting on chairs just in front of both men kissing. Shelley is repulsed and disturbed by the reaction between both men.]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Ah Shelley please feel free to grab something to eat. Iím sure your hungry after that flight.

Shelley: Thanks Mrs. Volgelcheck i think i might... eh.... grab some coffee.

[Father Yankovic and Mr. Volgelcheck are still kissing in the back ground]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Oh ok. If you need any cream let me know. Iím still lactating after all these years.

[Camera cuts to an old lady walking into the room holding a small Pug]

Old Lady: Is this the service for Arthur Monroe?

Dwayne: Oh sorry wrong room.

Old Lady: Oh Thank You

Dwayne: My pleasure.

[Dwayne leans over and kisses the Old Lady on the mouth. Dwayne bends down and starts to kiss the dog in the Old Ladyís arms. The dog starts to lick Dwayneís mouth. Dwayne then sticks out his tongue and starts to lick and French kiss the dogís tongue. The dog continues to lick Dwayneís tongues. Dwayne raises and pats the old lady on the shoulder. The Old lady then walks out of the room.]

[Camera cuts back Shelley, Father Yankovic, Mr and Mrs Volgelcheck. Mr. Volgelcheck and Father Yankovic have stopped kissing. ]

Shelley: You know what? Ronny! I think i should go outside and let you guys grieve as a family. I

[Camera pans out and we can see the entire family]

Ronny: No babe you donít have to.

Shelley: No i understand

Mr Vogelcheck: HOLD ON! Hold on! I think I know whatís going on here. I think Shelley here might be a little uncomfortable with all this... affection.

[Mr. Volgelcheck walks over to the open casket where Great Grand Father Volgelcheck is laying.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: Iím going to tell you a little story. See this man here. This is my Grand Father. Grand Popo Volgelcheck. For 90 years he worked in a bakery making sweet little cookies to support his family. Every night he would come home and smootch his family. So we knew we were loved. Weíre a close family. What can i say? I guess were all a little.... Volgolchecks.

[Camera cuts to Father Yankovic]

Father Yankovic: That was beautiful.

[Camera cuts back to Mr. Volgelcheck beside the casket.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: Good night sweet Prince.

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and starts to like the bald head of Great Grand Father Volgelcheck. Mr Volgelcheck continues to lick the top of Great Grand Father Volgelcheck head and starts to move down on Great Grand Father Volgelcheck face till he reaches his mouth. Great Grand Father Volgelcheck opens his mouth and starts to French kiss Mr. Volgelcheck. Great Grand Father Volgelcheck puts his hands on Mr. Volgelcheckís head.]

[Camera cuts to the entire family watching Mr Volgelcheck make out with Great Grand Father Volgelcheck. The family nods with delight on the affection Mr. Volgelcheck is giving Great Grand Father Volgelcheck.]

Shelley: Ya now this is a family.

[Shelley leans over and kisses Ronny. Shelley then leans over and kisses Mrs. Volgelcheck. Everybody starts to kiss among themselves.]

[Fade to Black]


Transcript by: Jubei ďGuyĒ Kibagami.


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