Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 7
75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron
Albert Brooks Film
…..Albert Brooks
Albert Brooks: Hello. I’m sick this week. And, uh, Iapologize because I know that most people like actionmovies but, uh, I – I can give you some action. [holdsup remote control and pushes buttons that causes thecamera to slowly zoom in and out] I have this remotecontrol zoom device that can bring the lens back andforth. I can’t move the camera, this time, from sideto side because I don’t have a crew here. I wouldn’tinfect twelve people for any movie. [zooms all the wayinto his forehead] Yeah, but the zoom is effective’cuz a lot of times, uh, without raising your voiceyou can make your voice seem to grow louder when youwant to make a point – when you bring it in tight.[zooms out to a wide shot of the room] And then, onceyou’re in, after you’ve made your point, you can comeback out. So, I’ll use this at my discretion. [picksup a speaker phone] I also have, uh, on the speakerphone a guest with me this evening. This is DoctorJoseph Shuster. Dr. Shuster, can you hear me?
Doctor: Yes.
Albert Brooks: All right. This is my physician. Wouldyou tell them now what you told me two days ago?
Doctor: All right, I’ll – I’ll try to put it inlayman’s language as much as I can, Mr. Brooks.
Albert Brooks: [holds up a black and white photo of adistinguished man in a suit and tie] Dr. Shuster.[zooms in on the photo as the doctor speaks]
Doctor: Basically, you’re overworked. Uh, I don’t knowmuch about the motion picture business but it seems tome that, er, you’re doing the work of about thirtypeople. Frankly, I’m surprised you’ve been able to dowhat you’ve done so far.
Albert Brooks: [turns the photo and speaks to it] Uh,thirty people?
Doctor: Yes.
Albert Brooks: [puts photo down, zooms out] All right,uh, have you been able to see any of my other films?
Doctor: Yes, I have and, uh, it’s a miracle you’restill alive.
Albert Brooks: [smiles] That’s very nice. Thank you,Dr. Shuster. Let me ask you one more question.
Doctor: Mm hmm.
Albert Brooks: Uh, I have one film left in thispresent contract. When do you think that–?
Doctor: I wouldn’t do it.
Albert Brooks: You what?
Doctor: I wouldn’t do it.
Albert Brooks: Well, it’s not a matter of would orwouldn’t. I have to do it because it’s a contract.
Doctor: I wouldn’t do it.
Albert Brooks: Well, all right, now. That’s Dr.Shuster saying that. [holds up photo again] Youwouldn’t do it under any circumstances?
Doctor: No, sir, I would not.
Albert Brooks: All right, well, apparently, uh –[doorbell buzzes, calls out] Yes?! [to the speakerphone] Wait. [calls out] What?!
Delivery Boy: [off screen] Broasted chicken!
Doctor: Hello?
Albert Brooks: [to the speaker phone] No, it’s thedoor. [calls out] What?!
Delivery Boy: [off screen] Broasted chicken!
Albert Brooks: [puts photo down] Can you let yourselfin?! I’m sick! [to the speaker phone] It’s broastedchicken, Dr. Shuster.
Doctor: Oh, fine.
Albert Brooks: Uh, I thank you very much for joiningme this evening.
Doctor: All right, you’re welcome.
Albert Brooks: And, uh, I’ll be in … [Shuster hangsup abruptly, dial tone] … a little bit later.[disconnects phone]
Delivery Boy: [off screen, hands package to Brooks]Here’s your chicken.
Albert Brooks: Thanks. [turns to put package on nearby table]
Delivery Boy: [leans into view, peers into camera]Whatcha makin’?
Albert Brooks: Makin’ a movie.
Delivery Boy: Oh, yeah? Where’s the girl?
Albert Brooks: [upset] Get away from there, would ya?Get away. [pushes boy out of view, covers lens withhand] It’s all right, the girl’ll be here later. Juststay out of the camera, okay? [backs away from lens,crawls back into bed] ‘Cause, I have to pay you a lotof money if not. How much do I owe you for thechicken?
Delivery Boy: [off screen] Three ninety-nine.
Albert Brooks: Okay. [coughs, pulls crumpled billsfrom a coffee mug, hands it to boy] Here’s fourdollars. Let’s see, this’ll be “props” — broastedchicken. [holds package up to the camera] Let me havethe receipt. Okay. [puts receipt and package away] Whydo they call this stuff “broasted,” do you know?
Delivery Boy: [off screen] I don’t know.
Albert Brooks: A lady at the place told me they’resupposed to use less fat when they fry broasted thanregular. [holds up a piece of chicken] But here’sbroasted I got this morning and here’s regular I hadlast night. [holds up another piece of chicken] Itlooks like the same amount of fat, doesn’t it?
Delivery Boy: [off screen] I don’t know.
Albert Brooks: I mean, why do – why should I even eatthis? If I put it right over my heart, it’ll get therefaster, won’t it? [puts this morning’s chicken on hishairy chest]
Delivery Boy: [off screen] You’re Albert Brooks,aren’tcha?!
Albert Brooks: [looks at boy, pleased to berecognized] Yes. Yes, I am. [puts the chicken away]
Delivery Boy: [off screen] Man, I really like your newrecord — it’s great.
Albert Brooks: Ohh, well, that’s very, very nice.[zooms out wide] Uh, what record are you talkin’about?
[The boy’s arm comes into view – in his hand is a copyof Brooks’ Grammy-nominated comedy album “A Star isBought” – the boy mentions the title and the recordcompany but the names are bleeped out:]Delivery Boy: A [bleep] on [bleep] Records and Tapes.[withdraws the album]
Albert Brooks: Oh, yes. Thank you, that’s very, verynice. [zoom in a little]
Delivery Boy: [off screen] Why don’t more people knowabout it?
Albert Brooks: I don’t know. I just don’t know.
Delivery Boy: [off screen] Why doesn’t your recordcompany take out ads?
Albert Brooks: I don’t know. I don’t know.
Delivery Boy: [off screen] I mean, what do they do,spend all their money promotin’ the Eagles?
Albert Brooks: I don’t know.
Delivery Boy: [off screen] Well, that’s too bad.[sneezes] It’s sure a great album.
Albert Brooks: That’s all right. Thank you. That’svery, very nice. That makes me feel better. Say – sayhello, will ya? [zooms out] You can say hello, goahead.
Delivery Boy: [sticks his head in and smiles intocamera] Hello!
Albert Brooks: Okay. [points] Let yourself out. [boyleaves] Thank you. [zooms in]
Delivery Boy: [off screen] Sure.
Albert Brooks: [to the camera] Well, that makes mefeel a little better. I have a minute left and, uh–
Delivery Boy: [off screen] Oh, a friend of mine wantedme to ask …!
Albert Brooks: Yeah?! [leans over and out of view asthe camera zooms in tight on the wall behind the bed]
Delivery Boy: [off screen] What’s the catalogue numberon that?
Albert Brooks: [off screen] Oh, tell your friend hedoesn’t need the catalogue number. Just ask for[bleep] on [bleep] Records. Tell him it makes a greatHanukkah gift.
Delivery Boy: [off screen] Right on!
Albert Brooks: [off screen] Okay! [leans back intoview, zooms out, addresses the camera] I’m just aboutthrough here tonight. Before I go, I’d like to say onething. You know, making film is a cooperative effort.It takes a lot of people who are willing to put outgood work. There’s been one gentleman who works at avery large film processing house here in Los Angeles.I asked him to watch tonight. He’s never put out goodwork. I’m not gonna mention his name. Oh, yes, I will.Jack Stanton is his name. Now, from the very beginningof these films, he’s the man who says, “They’ll neversee it. They’ll never see it.” You say to him, “Jack,it’s too red.” “They’ll never see it.” “It’s toogreen.” “They’ll never see it.” [zooms out wide] Well,you know something? Maybe you’re right, Jack. Maybethey’ll never see it. But if they’ll never see it, I’msure they’ll never see this either, Jack. [holds up alarge white posterboard with barely visible textwritten in red magic marker that reads: “YOU ARE THEUGLIEST MAN THAT EVER LIVED YOU STUPID JERK” – after apause, he puts the poster down] I’ll see you again inthree weeks. [zooms in slightly] I hope to be betterby that time. I for– [coughs] I– [coughs harder] Ican’t talk. [crawls out of bed toward camera, coughinghorrifically] Oh, no! [coughing into the lens, hisface fills the screen as he shuts off the camera, thusending the film]
Submitted Anonymously
Wow I thought that the delivery boy was really cute ! What happened to his career in film?