Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7






75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Albert Brooks Film

.....Albert Brooks

[Albert Brooks' bedroom. An unshaven Brooks, wearing a blue bathrobe, turns on the camera, backs away from the lens and crawls into bed, under the covers. On the wall behind him are a calendar, a novelty newspaper with the headline LIZ AND DICK DINE WITH AL BROOKS, career memorabilia, etc. He lies there and addresses the camera.]

Albert Brooks: Hello. I'm sick this week. And, uh, I apologize because I know that most people like action movies but, uh, I - I can give you some action. [holds up remote control and pushes buttons that causes the camera to slowly zoom in and out] I have this remote control zoom device that can bring the lens back and forth. I can't move the camera, this time, from side to side because I don't have a crew here. I wouldn't infect twelve people for any movie. [zooms all the way into his forehead] Yeah, but the zoom is effective 'cuz a lot of times, uh, without raising your voice you can make your voice seem to grow louder when you want to make a point - when you bring it in tight. [zooms out to a wide shot of the room] And then, once you're in, after you've made your point, you can come back out. So, I'll use this at my discretion. [picks up a speaker phone] I also have, uh, on the speaker phone a guest with me this evening. This is Doctor Joseph Shuster. Dr. Shuster, can you hear me?

Doctor: Yes.

Albert Brooks: All right. This is my physician. Would you tell them now what you told me two days ago?

Doctor: All right, I'll - I'll try to put it in layman's language as much as I can, Mr. Brooks.

Albert Brooks: [holds up a black and white photo of a distinguished man in a suit and tie] Dr. Shuster. [zooms in on the photo as the doctor speaks]

Doctor: Basically, you're overworked. Uh, I don't know much about the motion picture business but it seems to me that, er, you're doing the work of about thirty people. Frankly, I'm surprised you've been able to do what you've done so far.

Albert Brooks: [turns the photo and speaks to it] Uh, thirty people?

Doctor: Yes.

Albert Brooks: [puts photo down, zooms out] All right, uh, have you been able to see any of my other films?

Doctor: Yes, I have and, uh, it's a miracle you're still alive.

Albert Brooks: [smiles] That's very nice. Thank you, Dr. Shuster. Let me ask you one more question.

Doctor: Mm hmm.

Albert Brooks: Uh, I have one film left in this present contract. When do you think that--?

Doctor: I wouldn't do it.

Albert Brooks: You what?

Doctor: I wouldn't do it.

Albert Brooks: Well, it's not a matter of would or wouldn't. I have to do it because it's a contract.

Doctor: I wouldn't do it.

Albert Brooks: Well, all right, now. That's Dr. Shuster saying that. [holds up photo again] You wouldn't do it under any circumstances?

Doctor: No, sir, I would not.

Albert Brooks: All right, well, apparently, uh -- [doorbell buzzes, calls out] Yes?! [to the speaker phone] Wait. [calls out] What?!

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Broasted chicken!

Doctor: Hello?

Albert Brooks: [to the speaker phone] No, it's the door. [calls out] What?!

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Broasted chicken!

Albert Brooks: [puts photo down] Can you let yourself in?! I'm sick! [to the speaker phone] It's broasted chicken, Dr. Shuster.

Doctor: Oh, fine.

Albert Brooks: Uh, I thank you very much for joining me this evening.

Doctor: All right, you're welcome.

Albert Brooks: And, uh, I'll be in ... [Shuster hangs up abruptly, dial tone] ... a little bit later. [disconnects phone]

Delivery Boy: [off screen, hands package to Brooks] Here's your chicken.

Albert Brooks: Thanks. [turns to put package on nearby table]

Delivery Boy: [leans into view, peers into camera] Whatcha makin'?

Albert Brooks: Makin' a movie.

Delivery Boy: Oh, yeah? Where's the girl?

Albert Brooks: [upset] Get away from there, would ya? Get away. [pushes boy out of view, covers lens with hand] It's all right, the girl'll be here later. Just stay out of the camera, okay? [backs away from lens, crawls back into bed] 'Cause, I have to pay you a lot of money if not. How much do I owe you for the chicken?

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Three ninety-nine.

Albert Brooks: Okay. [coughs, pulls crumpled bills from a coffee mug, hands it to boy] Here's four dollars. Let's see, this'll be "props" -- broasted chicken. [holds package up to the camera] Let me have the receipt. Okay. [puts receipt and package away] Why do they call this stuff "broasted," do you know?

Delivery Boy: [off screen] I don't know.

Albert Brooks: A lady at the place told me they're supposed to use less fat when they fry broasted than regular. [holds up a piece of chicken] But here's broasted I got this morning and here's regular I had last night. [holds up another piece of chicken] It looks like the same amount of fat, doesn't it?

Delivery Boy: [off screen] I don't know.

Albert Brooks: I mean, why do - why should I even eat this? If I put it right over my heart, it'll get there faster, won't it? [puts this morning's chicken on his hairy chest]

Delivery Boy: [off screen] You're Albert Brooks, aren'tcha?!

Albert Brooks: [looks at boy, pleased to be recognized] Yes. Yes, I am. [puts the chicken away]

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Man, I really like your new record -- it's great.

Albert Brooks: Ohh, well, that's very, very nice. [zooms out wide] Uh, what record are you talkin' about?

[The boy's arm comes into view - in his hand is a copy of Brooks' Grammy-nominated comedy album "A Star is Bought" - the boy mentions the title and the record company but the names are bleeped out:]

Delivery Boy: A [bleep] on [bleep] Records and Tapes. [withdraws the album]

Albert Brooks: Oh, yes. Thank you, that's very, very nice. [zoom in a little]

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Why don't more people know about it?

Albert Brooks: I don't know. I just don't know.

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Why doesn't your record company take out ads?

Albert Brooks: I don't know. I don't know.

Delivery Boy: [off screen] I mean, what do they do, spend all their money promotin' the Eagles?

Albert Brooks: I don't know.

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Well, that's too bad. [sneezes] It's sure a great album.

Albert Brooks: That's all right. Thank you. That's very, very nice. That makes me feel better. Say - say hello, will ya? [zooms out] You can say hello, go ahead.

Delivery Boy: [sticks his head in and smiles into camera] Hello!

Albert Brooks: Okay. [points] Let yourself out. [boy leaves] Thank you. [zooms in]

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Sure.

Albert Brooks: [to the camera] Well, that makes me feel a little better. I have a minute left and, uh--

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Oh, a friend of mine wanted me to ask ...!

Albert Brooks: Yeah?! [leans over and out of view as the camera zooms in tight on the wall behind the bed]

Delivery Boy: [off screen] What's the catalogue number on that?

Albert Brooks: [off screen] Oh, tell your friend he doesn't need the catalogue number. Just ask for [bleep] on [bleep] Records. Tell him it makes a great Hanukkah gift.

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Right on!

Albert Brooks: [off screen] Okay! [leans back into view, zooms out, addresses the camera] I'm just about through here tonight. Before I go, I'd like to say one thing. You know, making film is a cooperative effort. It takes a lot of people who are willing to put out good work. There's been one gentleman who works at a very large film processing house here in Los Angeles. I asked him to watch tonight. He's never put out good work. I'm not gonna mention his name. Oh, yes, I will. Jack Stanton is his name. Now, from the very beginning of these films, he's the man who says, "They'll never see it. They'll never see it." You say to him, "Jack, it's too red." "They'll never see it." "It's too green." "They'll never see it." [zooms out wide] Well, you know something? Maybe you're right, Jack. Maybe they'll never see it. But if they'll never see it, I'm sure they'll never see this either, Jack. [holds up a large white posterboard with barely visible text written in red magic marker that reads: "YOU ARE THE UGLIEST MAN THAT EVER LIVED YOU STUPID JERK" - after a pause, he puts the poster down] I'll see you again in three weeks. [zooms in slightly] I hope to be better by that time. I for-- [coughs] I-- [coughs harder] I can't talk. [crawls out of bed toward camera, coughing horrifically] Oh, no! [coughing into the lens, his face fills the screen as he shuts off the camera, thus ending the film]


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