Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12












75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

.....Chevy Chase
.....Laraine Newman
British Mercenary.....Dan Aykroyd
Emily Litella.....Gilda Radner
.....Tom Schiller

Announcer: And now, "Weekend Update" with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] What do you mean? No -- you remember on the freeway... that truck that passed us? I swear they could see your head. Honey, it did not look like you were napping... [ he notices the camera ] I gotta go! [ he hangs up ] Good evening! I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not.

Our top story tonight: In a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court struck down nearly all limits on presidential campaign spending. Almost immediately, four new candidates entered the race: Norman Lear, the Shah of Iran, Hugh Hefner, and Nelson Rockefeller.

Henry Kissinger was fitted with new eyeglasses today. This, following the wake of the embarrassing incident which took place earlier this week, where Kissinger accidentally sold firearms to his wife Nancy and dance with Israeli Prime Minister Rabin until the wee hours of the morning.

The CIA has denied an attempt to assassinate Fidel Castro with an invisible exploding cigar.

A recent Harris Poll shows that, by a margin of 44% to 46%, Republican voters would prefer a president who puts shampoo in his coffee to one who puts Red Dye #2 in his hair.

Well, the selection of the jury in the Patricia Hearst case is almost over. For a direct reprot, let's go now to the courthouse in San Francisco, and correspondent Peter Error.

[ cut to a series of amateur-quality of "Artist's Rendering" photos of the trial ]

Voiceover: A predominantly female panel of selected jurors has been chosen so far in the bank robbery trial of Patricia Hearst. Before the secret questioning of jurors began again today, a judge denied a request by the America Civil Liberties Union to open the trial to the public and press. Newspaper millionaire Randolph Hearst and his wife were the only members of the family allowed in the courtroom, much to the dissatisfaction of the prosecution. Defense counsel Al Johnson said that Miss Hearst was wearing the same outfit she had worn the day before -- a white turtleneck, Navy blue blazer, and Navy blue slacks. The trial will center on rather weighty evidence connecting Miss Hearst to at least one bank hold-up, in which film had been taken. Also scheduled to appear are William and Emily Harris, for their parts in the kidnapping and subsequent alleged illegal activities. And, of course, Patty's roommate, Wendy Yoshimura.

[ camera pulls back to reveal Chevy holding his nose and conducting the narration of the poorly-drawn slides ]

Chevy Chase: This is Peter Error, reporting from San Francisco...

[ Chevy looks up to find the camera on him, and promptly lets go of his nose ]

Chevy Chase: [ image: woman staring at potted plant in pothole ] Former First-Lady, Ladybird Johnson, flew to New York today to continue spreading the word on her "Keep America Beautful" campaign.

Well, the popular TV personality known as Professor Backwards was slain in Atlanta yesterday, by three masked gunmen. According to reports, neighbors ignored the Professor's cries of "Pleh! Pleh!" [ the audience laughs and groans ] I'm sorry!

By a vote of 23 to 5, the California State Supreme Court -- [ Chevy purposely mangles his words, shrugs, and starts over ] The California State Denate has approved a resolution removing Richard M. Nixon's name from a Southern California freeway. Sources in San Clemente say that the former president is considering changing his name to "Off Ramp".

Well, the sea has yielded a rare living treasure. Marine biologists have discovered individual portions of tuna swimming off the coast of Grand Bahamas Island. Culinary expert Isaac Main says this is the biggest and best thing since the discovery of the tomato some one hundred years ago. [ Chevy crumles the news sheet and stuffs it inside his jacket ]

This just in: Francisco Franco is dead tody at the age of 82.

Well, 1976 is not only a bicentennial year, the New York Times reports that this year also marks the tricentennial of the discovery of sperm. Dr. Donald Faucet, celebrating at the Harvard Medical School in Boston, remarked: "There is reason to believe that the spermatazoen was in use before 1676." "Weekend Update" advocates its continued use in the coming centuries.

Chevy Chase: Right now, we have a direct, live via satellite, report from Luanda, Angola, with correspondent Laraine Newman and a British mercenary. Come in, Laraine Newman.

[ after a moment, Laraine appears on the monitor behind Chevy ]

Laraine Newman: Chevy, I'm sitting in a makeshift hospital on the outskirts of the city, next to an exhausted British mercenary, who's been in the field for eight long and lonely weeks. It's obvious that this man has suffered from the elements for eight long and lonely weeks, has suffered from lack of food for eight long and lonely weeks, and has suffered from lack of companionship for eight long and lonely weeks. Tell me, sir: What brought you to Angola?

British Mercenary: Well, a nice summonette in "Soldier of Fortune" magazine, and, uh, it's rough, they don't know where they're gonna send you next. Went up to Iceland, trained in the Chuppas there for a while, and then... came down here, and, uh, got my gun in the Chuppas, you know. They say it's rough, but, uh, you know, you never know when you're gonna get hit, and... I think they're gonna send me out to the Painted Desert to exterminate lizards next. But, uh... I'd sure like to pop your lily!

Laraine Newman: Don't say it if you don't mean it.

British Mercenary: I mean it! I mean it!

[ they begin to kiss and make it, as the transmission fades ]

Chevy Chase: War-torn Laraine Newman, in Angola. I'm sorry.

Still to Come: A Brooklyn fireman elopes with a dog. After this message.

[ dissolve to ad parody for Felina Cat Food ]

[ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk ]

Chevy Chase: [ blows his nose on the crumpled news sheet ] And now, in keeping with our policy to present responsible opposing viewpoints, here with an editorial reply is Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: What's all this fuss I hear... about an Eagle Rights Amendment? Now, I realize that the eagle is the symbol for the United States of America. But I wouldn't like to sit next to one on the bus! Well, I think the eagle's been treated fair enough! We put theim on the back of the quarter, didn't we? Well, I'm angry! Do those birds expect to vote? They don't even have fingers to push the little lever in the booth! And they'll get their wings caught in the curtain! It'll be a mess! Between you and me, if we give eagles rights, the next thing you know, we'll have to give rights to pigeons! And then robins! And parakeets! Why, you won't be able to get a seat in the park! It'll be the BIRDS sitting on the bench throwing US little pieces of toast! If we're gonna give birds rights, we'll have to give them to parrots! At least they can talk! Not the eagle! They don't do a thing! I --

Chevy Chase: Miss Litella? Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: What?!

Chevy Chase: The editorial was in favor of the Equal Rights Amendment. Not Eagle Rights -- Equal Rights.

Emily Litella: Equal Rights?

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: For who?

Chevy Chase: Well, people, Miss Litella.

Emily Litella: Oh. Well, that's reasonable.

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: Never mind!

Chevy Chase: "Weekend Update" recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials -- when we feel like it.

And now as a public service to those of our viewers who may have been watching "I Love Lucy" during this broadcast, I will repeat the top story of the day assisted by the Curator of the "I Love Lucy" Museum, Mr. Thomas Schiller.

[ Schiller appears in Ricky Ricardo garb in an oval over Chevy's shoulder ]

Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight:

Thomas Schiller: Our top story tonight:

Chevy Chase: The Supreme Court strikes down campaign spending limits.

Thomas Schiller: Hey, Lucy! It's me, Ricky! I'm down at the club! Listen: Tell Fred and Ethel to bring my white tuxedo! We're having a show with Bill Holden, and it's very important I have it! And tell Little Ricky to bring the drums! Don't forget the white suit, Lucy!

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Thomas Schiller: Good night, Lucy! See you manana!

[ fade ]


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