Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17






75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Supreme Court Spot Check

Rhonda ..... Chevy Chase
Dwayne ..... Jane Curtin
Judge #1 ..... John Belushi
Judge #2 ..... Dan Aykroyd
Judge #3 ..... Garrett Morris
Judge #4 ..... Michael O'Donoghue
Judge #5 ..... Alan Zweibel
Judges ..... Tom Davis, Al Franken, Tom Schiller, Neil Levy

[ Fade in on a couple, Rhonda and Dwayne, caressing each other in bed in a darkened room ]

Dwayne: Aw, you drive me crazy when you do that...

Rhonda: That's why I do it!

[ They both start giggling, as Dwayne reaches further under the blankets ]

Rhonda: Oh no you don't, I told you last time I didn't like...(starts laughing)

Dwayne: Come on, don't go Puritan on me! You love it!

Rhonda: (laughing) Don't tell me what I love.

Dwayne: Ah, go tell it to the Supreme Court.

[ A group of men enter the room. The lights turn on, revealing the nine Supreme Court justices ]

Rhonda: Oh my God! Who are you?

Judges: We're the Supreme Court!

Judge #1: On behalf of the highest court in the land I feel it is only fair to warn you that you can get five to ten years for where your hand is right now!

[ Dwayne holds his hands up above the blankets ]

Dwayne: No problem.

Rhonda: What-what are you doing here?

Judge #1: Well, according to the recent Supreme Court ruling, the government can claim certain unorthodox sexual acts as crimes against nature and the state.

Dwayne: Wait, wait a minute, we're consenting adults.

Judge #2: Even when both adults are consenting and the act occurs in private.

Judge #1: And legally, you're entitled to hear your rights

[ Rhonda starts laughing nervously as Judge #1 leans in to whisper in Dwayne's ear ]

Rhonda: They must be...(trails off into awkward laughter)

[ Judge #1 whispers into Dwayne's ear, then Dwayne whispers into Rhonda's ear ]

Rhonda: (laughing) They must be joking! (serious) Look, we don't want to break any laws!

Judge #1: Mm-hm.

Dwayne: We're just a couple of normal heterosexuals. I mean, uh...there's, uh, there's nothing kinky here!

[ Rhonda and Dwayne laugh wholesomely. Rhonda displays her engagement ring ]

Rhonda: We're engaged!

Dwayne: Yeah, a diamond!

[ The judges look at each other and shake their heads, mumbling to one another ]

Dwayne: Look, what brings you to our bedroom?

Judge #2: Don't take it personally, just look upon it as a random spot check.

Dwayne: Guess it's kind of like being audited, honey, I don't know...

Rhonda: Well, in that case I'm Rhonda Gwen Phillips and I'd like you to meet my fiancee Dwayne Gretson. How do you do?

[ Rhonda and Dwanye shake hands with all of the justices in a jumble of arms and greetings ]

Judge #1: (banging his gavel on the bed) All right, order, order. OK then, why don't you just go ahead and proceed with whatever you were doing, and we'll just proceed with whatever we're here to do. So, why don't we just spread and we'll watch it, OK?

[ The justices spread out, positioning themselves around all corners of the bed ]

Judge #1: Just go right ahead.

Rhonda: Uh...

Judge #1: Just go ahead.

Rhonda: ...how will we know if we're doing anything unnatural?

Judge #2: We'll let you know.

Judge #1: OK, come on, just pretend we're not here, relax...

Judge #3: Go on and have fun with it.

[ Dwayne and Rhonda begin moving around underneath the blankets while the Supreme Court watches them intensely. Judge #4 lifts up the blankets and looks underneath ]

Judge #4: Listen, I need another opinion here. Now, is that legal or what? Uh...

Judge #2: Concurrence?

Judge #1: Concurrence. Gentlemen, gentlemen...

[ The judges gather at the end of the bed and discuss the matter amongst themselves ]

Judge #1: All right, all right, come back.

[ The judges return to the bedside ]

Judge #1: All right, OK, we've reached a decision. (bangs gavel on bed) We have reached a decision.

[ Rhonda and Dwayne poke their heads out ]

Judge #1: You're going to have to lose the high heels.

[ Rhonda reaches under the covers, removes her high heels, and throws them off the bed. Dwayne also reached under the covers and removes his high heels. Judge #1 makes hand motions urging Rhonda and Dwayne to continue, and they do as the Court monitors ]

Judge #5: Fine, fine, so far that's fine...

Judge #2: No no no, unlawful fondling.

Judge #1: What?

Judge #4: Well, I don't know...

Judge #2: No, no, no, no!

[ Judge #2 forcibly removes Dwayne's hand from underneath the blankets ]

Judge #2: That's a no-no.

[ Judge #1 angrily slaps Dwayne's wrist. Rhonda and Dwayne resume ]

Judge #4: Hey hey hey, if that elbow was any lower you'd be pressing license plates in Levittworth, OK?

Judge #2: I don't like those breathing patterns one bit.

Judge #1: Oh, I'm a little nervous about where that mouth is heading.

Judge #3: Would your Honors deliberate with me on how low Rhonda's teeth may go on Dwayne's trunk?

[ The justices again gather at the foot of the bed for an almost inaudible discussion ]

Judge #1: All right, all right!

[ The judges return to the bed ]

Judge #1: Rhonda, Dwayne. The high court is going to hand down a ruling.

[ Rhonda and Dwayne emerge ]

Judge #2: Rhonda honey, place a moritorium on the butterfly flick and stay out of the slammer, OK? What do you say?

Judge #5: Hey, believe me it wasn't unanimous. It was the Nixon appointees. I think you're both beautiful.

Rhonda: Oh, thank you. But can I ask a question about the Supreme Court?

Judge #1: Sure.

Rhonda: Why aren't there any women?

Dwayne: Yeah.

Judge #1: Ah.

[ The justices nervously clear their throats ]

Judge #1: Why aren't...there any women? (pause) Huh, women...huh?

[ Rhonda nods ]

Judge #1: Ah. Well, that's not strictly true. Uh...there are women. Of course, right? There just aren't any in the Supreme Court!

Judge #2: Precisely, exactly!

[ The judges all agree, relieved ]

Judge #3: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dwayne: Well, uh...we must do this more often. Thanks for coming by.

Rhonda: (forcing a friendly laugh) Thanks.

Judge #1: If you ever need us again just give us a call.

[ He hands Rhonda a business card ]

Judge #1: OK? Cause we're the Supreme Court!

[ The judges burst into a sing-songy chant ]

Judges: We're the Supreme Court / We're the Supreme Court...

[ They sing the one-line tune as they proudly march out of the bedroom. Judge #3 flashes Dwayne and Rhonda the "OK" sign as he walks out ]

[ Applause. The camera pulls back to reveal the entire set, the audience, and Ron Nessen preparing for one of the Press Secretaries Throughout History bits ]

[ Superimposition -
"COMING UP NEXT...
IS LASSIE'S REAL NAME
ELAINE HOROWITZ?" ]

[ Fade out ]


Submitted by: Dan Pascoe


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