75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Waiting For Pardo

Bill.....Kris Kristofferson
Bob.....Chevy Chase
Don Pardo.....Himself

[A superimposition reads: waiting for pardo. In a bleak landscape, two tramps, resembling Estragon and Vladimir -- the protagonists of Samuel Beckett's play "Waiting for Godot" -- sit on a rock and engage in deliberately-paced, absurdist dialogue:]

Bill: Is he comin'?

Bob: I don't think so.

Bill: Have you ever seen him?

Bob: No. Nobody has.

Bill: Well, how do you know he exists?

Bob: What?

Bill: How do you know he exists?

Bob: I've heard him.

Bill: Where? On game shows?

Bob: Yes. "Jeopardy."

Bill: We can't wait much longer.

Bob: We don't have much time.

Don Pardo: Yes, you do, boys! 'Cause here's good news! [The tramps are mildly surprised to hear the campy, booming voice of legendary announcer Don Pardo rapidly reading what sounds like ad copy as we iris to an image of wristwatches in deep space - the brand of watch is IMMANUEL KANT OF GERMANY] Space and time are empirically real but transcendentally ideal, Bill! Yours from Immanuel Kant -- where Time and Space work hand-in-hand for you! [dissolve back to the tramps]

Bill: What's it like?

Bob: What?

Bill: The face of Pardo.

Bob: It's been said that it's very beautiful.

Bill: Yes.

Bob: Though no one's ever seen it.

Bill: Let's look for it. [Bob looks inside a boot that he carries while Bill looks skyward at the sound of Don Pardo's Olympian voice]

Don Pardo: Keep looking, boys! [iris to an image of luggage - brand name: Spinoza] 'Cause all things which are are in themselves or in another thing, Bill! Another quality idea from Spinoza! [dissolve back to the tramps]

Bob: [off his boot] Well, he's not in here.

Bill: [off his shoe] Not in here either.

Bob: [tries to put on Bill's shoe] It's a struggle.

Bill: Puttin' on your shoe?

Bob: No, puttin' on yours.

Bill: [puts his hat on his foot] I think we're losing this game.

Don Pardo: No way, big fella! [iris to an image of fine jewelry - brand name: MARX OF LONDON] The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains! Workers of the world unite, Bob! From "Das Kapital" by Marx! Back to you, Bill! [dissolve back to the tramps]

Bob: Tell me ... you like my T-shirt?

Bill: I have one.

Bob: Bloomingdale's?

Bill: Macy's.

Bob: Let's just ... keep waiting.

Don Pardo: And you'll be glad you did, you lucky devils, you! [iris to image of cruise ships with the words 5 DAYS 6 NIGHTS - I CHING TO HONG KONG] Because, from the fabulous Book of Changes, comes success! It furthers one to cross the great water! Perseverance furthers, Bill! From the good folks at I Ching!

Bill: He must be very smart.

Don Pardo: I think, therefore I am, Bill! [dissolve to image of men's designer slacks and the Eiffel Tower - brand name: René Descartes of Paris] Something to think about from René Descartes of Paris! [dissolve back to the tramps]

Bob: Knock knock.

Bill: Who's there?

Bob: Bob.

Bill: Knock knock.

Bob: Who's there?

Bill: Bill.

Bob: One hundred bottles of beer on the wall ...

Bill: One hundred bottles of beer ...

Bob: If one of those bottles should happen to fall ...

Bill: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall ...

Bob: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall ...

Don Pardo: And while you're waiting for Pardo, have a nice day, Bill! [dissolve to image of a smiley face underneath which is the name of Rod McKuen] Loosely based on a concept by Rod McKuen.

Bob: Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall ...

Bill: Ninety-eight bottles of beer ...

Bob: If one of those bottles should happen to fall ...

[stage darkens]

[cue accidental superimposition over Chevy and Kris, instead of over an unsuspecting audience member: "Making Loud Sucking Noises With tongue and Teeth, But You Can't Hear Them"]

[fade]


Submitted Anonymously