Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 21

76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

I Am Ricardo Montalban!

Jane ... Gilda Radner
Jean ... Shelly Duvall
Ricardo Montalban ... Dan Aykroyd
Fernando Lamas ... Bill Murray
Cesar Romero ... John Belushi
Joan ... Laraine Newman
1st Italian Man ... Tom Schiller
1st Woman ... Rosie Shuster
2nd Woman ... Anne Beatts
3rd Woman ... Marilyn Miller
Piano Player ... Paul Shaffer
Man in Tuxedo ... Al Franken
Bartender ... Alan Zweibel
Extra ... Garrett Morris

[High, wide shot of the set depicting a fancy restaurant. Cameras, lights, mikes and crew members are visible. Piano music plays throughout the sketch as we dissolve down to the set where a male extra in a tuxedo escorts a female extra past several tables. At one table sit three Latino men, identically dressed in white suits and pink shirts with wide lapels. At an adjacent table, we find two white women, Jane and Jean, in slinky black outfits, smoking cigarettes.]

Jane: Jean, they should have been here by now. I just know they're not gonna show.

Jean: Well, Joan went to call.

Jane: I wish we could meet some different kind o' guys for a change. I mean, somethin' like those Continental type over there. [indicates the three Latino men at the next table]

Jean: Oh, I know. All we ever date are the same all-American hamburgers.

Jane: Right.

Jean: Why don't we ever meet any uncircumcised guys?

[One of the Continental types rises and approaches Jane and Jean. Like his male companions, he speaks with an accent, sounding rather like the actor Ricardo Montalban.]

Ricardo Montalban: Good evening, lovely, lovely, lovely ladies. Me and my companions, here at the next table, were having a little argument and we were wondering if perhaps you couldn't help settle it for us.

Jane: Well, sure, if we can.

Jean: Shoot.

Ricardo Montalban: You see, I am Ricardo Montalban.

[His two companions rise up in protest and join him at the ladies' table.]

Fernando Lamas: No, no, no! You have it wrong!

Cesar Romero: I am Ricardo Montalban!

Ricardo Montalban: [to the ladies] Well, at least, I think I am Ricardo Montalban. And these two gentlemen are Fernando Lamas and Cesar Romero -- although, we are a little confused about who is who.

Cesar Romero: Ay, excuse us, uh, lovely, lovely ladies, but this is very embarrassing. We don't know who is who.

Ricardo Montalban: You see, we have been chumming around Hollywood for so long together -- Ricardo, Fernando and Cesar -- the best of friends, we do everything together, we eat together, drink together, sleep over at each other's Hollywood homes. Ha! Sometimes Cesar and I sleep at Fernando's, sometimes Cesar and Fernando sleep at Ricardo's house and--

Jean: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. You said you were Ricardo.

Ricardo Montalban: [laughs] Ah ha ha ha!

Fernando Lamas: I thought I was Ricardo.

Cesar Romero: I am Ricardo. You see, we are all of us swarthy, romantic, Hispanic has-beens. You see? It is all very terribly confusing. We don't know who we are.

Fernando Lamas: Perhaps, uh, we could join you at your table.

Jane: Well, ah, we - we are waiting for our dates.

Jean: Yeah. George Hamilton, George Maharis and George Chakiris.

Ricardo Montalban: Well, actually, we, too, were supposed to meet some lovely ladies here this evening -- Jill St. John, Susan St. James and Eva Marie Saint.

Cesar Romero: Right.

Ricardo Montalban: But, luckily, they canceled out and our evening is free so we'd love to join you until those insipid, pretty-boy flashes-in-the-pan named George show up.

Jean: Oh, I don't see why not.

Ricardo Montalban: Ah, good.

[The three men pull up chairs to join the ladies at their table as a third woman in black, Joan, arrives. Cesar bows graciously and holds her chair for her. She and the men take seats.]

Joan: [to the men] Oh, hi. [to the women] Bad news, girls. George Hamilton, George Maharis and George Chakiris stood us up for other dates.

Jean and Jane: [disappointed] Ooohhhhhh! Who?

Joan: Elke Sommer, Britt Ekland and May Britt.

All: Awwwww!

Joan: [to the men] Oh, hi. I don't think we've been introduced.

Ricardo Montalban: My name is Ricardo Montalban.

Fernando Lamas: My name is Ricardo Montalban.

Cesar Romero: My name is Ricardo Montalban.

Jean: Two of these three gentlemen are lying.

Joan: Well, will the real Ricardo Montalban please stand up?

[The three men feint standing up. Much laughter and applause from the crowd for this parody of the old game show "To Tell the Truth." Finally, the men remain seated and they and the women laugh heartily at their little joke.]

Fernando Lamas: We do this every night.

Jean: Joan, meet Fernando Lamas, Cesar Romero and Ricardo Montalban.

Joan: Well -- who's who?

Ricardo Montalban: Even we don't know who's who! The only way to tell is to run out to the parking lot and see whose car keys fit the Cordoba! ... [applause]

Fernando Lamas: [to Joan] May - may I assure you that our confusion is as sincere as it is charming. You wanna make out with me?

Joan: No.

Fernando Lamas: [to Jane] Okay. How 'bout you over there? A little bit of Mix Master, huh? Come on.

Jane: No.

Fernando Lamas: [to Jean] All right, what about you, right here?

Jean: Not right now.

Fernando Lamas: Okay. Just checking. I got plenty o' time.

Cesar Romero: [cuttingly, to Fernando] Zero on style, you know?

Ricardo Montalban: Okay, watch this guys. Watch this. [smoothly, to Jane] Your eyes are like tinted opera windows. Your hair and skin is like the finest Corinthian leather.

Fernando Lamas: [to Joan] Say, uh, have you changed your mind yet?

Joan: No.

Fernando Lamas: [to Jane] Okay. How 'bout you, right over here? You change your mind?

Jane: No.

Fernando Lamas: [to Jean] What about this girl, right here?

Jean: No, no.

Fernando Lamas: Okay. Just let me know. I'm in no hurry, I'll be right here.

Jean: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I think I can figure out who you are. Let me see your car keys.

Fernando Lamas: Certainly.

Ricardo Montalban: Glad to comply, lovely lady.

Cesar Romero: Yes.

[The men pull out their car keys and put them in front of Jean.]

Fernando Lamas: [hands keys to Jean, smoothly] And to my heart as well.

Jean: [examines the keys] Okay. Matador, Granada and Cordoba. [hands keys back to Ricardo] You are Ricardo.

Ricardo Montalban: Ricky Ricardo?

Cesar Romero: No! Stupid fool! At least we know that! None of us here is Ricky Ricardo!

Ricardo Montalban: Of course! I am Ricardo Montalban!

Cesar Romero and Fernando Lamas: Aaaahhhhh!

Ricardo Montalban: My commercial endorsements, it's all coming back to me. "As a Spaniard, I love to feel the wind and fire in my face. When I choose a car, I choose a car with a certain spirit, a car that will--" You know, I mean, the commercials. They're running all over the place.

Jean: Okay, okay. Now, it's between Fernando and Cesar.

Jane: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I have a picture of Fernando Lamas. It came with my wallet. [takes out wallet, shows picture to others] There!

Fernando Lamas: Aha! That's me!

Cesar Romero: That's you?

Fernando Lamas: I am Fernando Lamas!

Ricardo Montalban: I am Ricardo!

Cesar Romero: Then that means - I am Cesar Romero! Excellent! I loved myself in "Weekend in Havana"!

[Excited and happy, everyone begins laughing and talking at once. Fernando calls out:]

Fernando Lamas: Waiter, can we have some wine, please?! Wine for the ladies! We are celebrating ourselves!

[As he does, three Italian men dressed in black jumpsuits with low-cut necklines, enter and approach a nearby table at which sit three bored women in black with identical hairstyles.]

1st Italian Man: [with accent] Excuse us, lovely, lovely ladies, but perhaps you can help us. I am either Sergio Franchi, Rossano Brazzi or Enzo Stuarti.

All Three Italian Men: You see, we are a bit confused.

1st Woman: [matter-of-fact] Let's see your keys, boys. Whoever's driving the Volare must be Sergio Franchi.

[Applause. Dissolve to the applauding crowd and zoom in on audience members Mr. and Mrs. Chevy Chase. Mrs. Chase smiles as Mr. Chase picks his nose. He sees the camera on him, stops and stares into it. A superimposed text reads: USED TO BE ON THE SHOW. After a pause, he joins in on the applause as we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts