76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading
I Am Ricardo Montalban!
Jane ... Gilda Radner
Jean ... Shelly Duvall
Ricardo Montalban ... Dan Aykroyd
Fernando Lamas ... Bill Murray
Cesar Romero ... John Belushi
Joan ... Laraine Newman
1st Italian Man ... Tom Schiller
1st Woman ... Rosie Shuster
2nd Woman ... Anne Beatts
3rd Woman ... Marilyn Miller
Piano Player ... Paul Shaffer
Man in Tuxedo ... Al Franken
Bartender ... Alan Zweibel
Extra ... Garrett Morris
[High, wide shot of the set depicting a fancy
restaurant. Cameras, lights, mikes and crew members
are visible. Piano music plays throughout the sketch
as we dissolve down to the set where a male extra in a
tuxedo escorts a female extra past several tables. At
one table sit three Latino men, identically dressed in
white suits and pink shirts with wide lapels. At an
adjacent table, we find two white women, Jane and
Jean, in slinky black outfits, smoking
Jane: Jean, they should have been here by now.
I just know they're not gonna show.
Jean: Well, Joan went to call.
Jane: I wish we could meet some different kind
o' guys for a change. I mean, somethin' like those
Continental type over there. [indicates the three
Latino men at the next table]
Jean: Oh, I know. All we ever date are the same
Jean: Why don't we ever meet any uncircumcised
[One of the Continental types rises and approaches
Jane and Jean. Like his male companions, he speaks
with an accent, sounding rather like the actor Ricardo
Ricardo Montalban: Good evening, lovely,
lovely, lovely ladies. Me and my companions, here at
the next table, were having a little argument and we
were wondering if perhaps you couldn't help settle it
Jane: Well, sure, if we can.
Ricardo Montalban: You see, I am Ricardo
[His two companions rise up in protest and join him at
the ladies' table.]
Fernando Lamas: No, no, no! You have it wrong!
Cesar Romero: I am Ricardo Montalban!
Ricardo Montalban: [to the ladies] Well, at
least, I think I am Ricardo Montalban. And
these two gentlemen are Fernando Lamas and Cesar
Romero -- although, we are a little confused about who
Cesar Romero: Ay, excuse us, uh, lovely, lovely
ladies, but this is very embarrassing. We don't know
who is who.
Ricardo Montalban: You see, we have been
chumming around Hollywood for so long together --
Ricardo, Fernando and Cesar -- the best of friends, we
do everything together, we eat together, drink
together, sleep over at each other's Hollywood homes.
Ha! Sometimes Cesar and I sleep at Fernando's,
sometimes Cesar and Fernando sleep at Ricardo's house
Jean: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a
minute. You said you were Ricardo.
Ricardo Montalban: [laughs] Ah ha ha
Fernando Lamas: I thought I was
Cesar Romero: I am Ricardo. You see, we are all
of us swarthy, romantic, Hispanic has-beens. You see?
It is all very terribly confusing. We don't know who
Fernando Lamas: Perhaps, uh, we could join you
at your table.
Jane: Well, ah, we - we are waiting for
Jean: Yeah. George Hamilton, George Maharis and
Ricardo Montalban: Well, actually, we, too,
were supposed to meet some lovely ladies here this
evening -- Jill St. John, Susan St. James and Eva
Cesar Romero: Right.
Ricardo Montalban: But, luckily, they canceled
out and our evening is free so we'd love to join you
until those insipid, pretty-boy flashes-in-the-pan
named George show up.
Jean: Oh, I don't see why not.
Ricardo Montalban: Ah, good.
[The three men pull up chairs to join the ladies at
their table as a third woman in black, Joan, arrives.
Cesar bows graciously and holds her chair for her. She
and the men take seats.]
Joan: [to the men] Oh, hi. [to the women] Bad
news, girls. George Hamilton, George Maharis and
George Chakiris stood us up for other dates.
Jean and Jane: [disappointed] Ooohhhhhh!
Joan: Elke Sommer, Britt Ekland and May
Joan: [to the men] Oh, hi. I don't think we've
Ricardo Montalban: My name is Ricardo
Fernando Lamas: My name is Ricardo
Cesar Romero: My name is Ricardo
Jean: Two of these three gentlemen are
Joan: Well, will the real Ricardo Montalban
please stand up?
[The three men feint standing up. Much laughter and
applause from the crowd for this parody of the old
game show "To Tell the Truth." Finally, the men remain
seated and they and the women laugh heartily at their
Fernando Lamas: We do this every night.
Jean: Joan, meet Fernando Lamas, Cesar Romero
and Ricardo Montalban.
Joan: Well -- who's who?
Ricardo Montalban: Even we don't know who's
who! The only way to tell is to run out to the parking
lot and see whose car keys fit the Cordoba! ...
Fernando Lamas: [to Joan] May - may I assure
you that our confusion is as sincere as it is
charming. You wanna make out with me?
Fernando Lamas: [to Jane] Okay. How 'bout you
over there? A little bit of Mix Master, huh? Come
Fernando Lamas: [to Jean] All right, what about
you, right here?
Jean: Not right now.
Fernando Lamas: Okay. Just checking. I got
plenty o' time.
Cesar Romero: [cuttingly, to Fernando] Zero on
style, you know?
Ricardo Montalban: Okay, watch this guys. Watch
this. [smoothly, to Jane] Your eyes are like tinted
opera windows. Your hair and skin is like the finest
Fernando Lamas: [to Joan] Say, uh, have you
changed your mind yet?
Fernando Lamas: [to Jane] Okay. How 'bout you,
right over here? You change your mind?
Fernando Lamas: [to Jean] What about this girl,
Jean: No, no.
Fernando Lamas: Okay. Just let me know. I'm in
no hurry, I'll be right here.
Jean: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I think I
can figure out who you are. Let me see your car
Fernando Lamas: Certainly.
Ricardo Montalban: Glad to comply, lovely
Cesar Romero: Yes.
[The men pull out their car keys and put them in front
Fernando Lamas: [hands keys to Jean, smoothly]
And to my heart as well.
Jean: [examines the keys] Okay. Matador,
Granada and Cordoba. [hands keys back to Ricardo]
You are Ricardo.
Ricardo Montalban: Ricky
Cesar Romero: No! Stupid fool! At least we know
that! None of us here is Ricky Ricardo!
Ricardo Montalban: Of course! I am Ricardo
Cesar Romero and Fernando Lamas:
Ricardo Montalban: My commercial endorsements,
it's all coming back to me. "As a Spaniard, I love to
feel the wind and fire in my face. When I choose a
car, I choose a car with a certain spirit, a car that
will--" You know, I mean, the commercials. They're
running all over the place.
Jean: Okay, okay. Now, it's between Fernando
Jane: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I have
a picture of Fernando Lamas. It came with my wallet.
[takes out wallet, shows picture to others]
Fernando Lamas: Aha! That's me!
Cesar Romero: That's you?
Fernando Lamas: I am Fernando Lamas!
Ricardo Montalban: I am Ricardo!
Cesar Romero: Then that means - I am Cesar
Romero! Excellent! I loved myself in "Weekend in
[Excited and happy, everyone begins laughing and
talking at once. Fernando calls out:]
Fernando Lamas: Waiter, can we have some wine,
please?! Wine for the ladies! We are celebrating
[As he does, three Italian men dressed in black
jumpsuits with low-cut necklines, enter and approach a
nearby table at which sit three bored women in black
with identical hairstyles.]
1st Italian Man: [with accent] Excuse us,
lovely, lovely ladies, but perhaps you can help us. I
am either Sergio Franchi, Rossano Brazzi or Enzo
All Three Italian Men: You see, we are a bit
1st Woman: [matter-of-fact] Let's see your
keys, boys. Whoever's driving the Volare must
be Sergio Franchi.
[Applause. Dissolve to the applauding crowd and zoom
in on audience members Mr. and Mrs. Chevy Chase. Mrs.
Chase smiles as Mr. Chase picks his nose. He sees the
camera on him, stops and stares into it. A
superimposed text reads: USED TO BE ON THE SHOW. After
a pause, he joins in on the applause as we fade