Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 21

76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

... Jane Curtin
Voice of Duane Bobick ... Tom Davis
Voice of Emily Litella ... Gilda Radner

[Sound of teletype clicking. Jane Curtin sits at the WU desk talking on the phone.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now -- Weekend Update with Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: [casually, into the phone, discussing former cast member Chevy Chase who is in the audience for tonight's show] Oh, come on, give me a break. I mean, so the guy has his special -- does that make him a star? Okay, yeah, granted the ratings were good but he followed Richard Pryor! Richard Pryor's wonderful! Who's gonna get up and turn the TV off when they're laughing? Oh, did you see him on the Carson show? I have to admit, I loved him on that. My - my - my favorite part was when he asked his wife to stand up in the audience -- it was just like Steve Allen and Jane Meadows. ... [sees the camera is on] Oh, I - I gotta go. Bye. [hangs up, adopts her no-nonsense newswoman persona] Our top story tonight:

In a spectacular coup, the National Broadcasting Company has signed heavyweight boxer Duane Bobick to an exclusive five year contract as a network personality. Beating out the other networks, the contract was signed just seconds before Bobick stepped into the ring with Ken Norton. Asked to comment, Bobick said, quote: [Jane points to her throat and, with wide eyes, does a garbled Donald Duck imitation] ...

TV personality David Frost, inspired by the success of his Nixon interviews, has announced plans to interview former presidents Johnson, Kennedy, Eisenhower, Truman and Roosevelt. ... Answering comments that the plan seemed preposterous, Frost said, "If people believe Nixon, they'll believe anything." ... [applause]

[Photo of a wide-eyed Jimmy Carter which draws a laugh from the crowd] While in London for last week's summit meeting, President Carter recommended that one of his favorite poets, Dylan Thomas, be removed from his grave in Wales and enshrined in historic Westminster Abbey. Carter also requested that another of his favorite poets, Rod McKuen, be buried in the Abbey immediately. ...

Patty Hearst, shown here relaxing on the lawn at San Simeon, was placed on five years' probation for her armed robbery and assault charge and ordered to pay six thousand dollars in property damage. Despite rumors of romance, Miss Hearst says she has no plans, commenting, "I don't want to marry and settle down before I've had a little excitement in my life." ...

Sixty-four year old cowboy Roy Rogers stated this week that when he dies, he would like to be stuffed and mounted on top of Trigger, his dead horse, who is also stuffed and mounted. When asked to comment on this, Dale Evans, Roy's affectionate wife, said that she, too, would like to be stuffed and mounted but not necessarily in that order. ... [applause]

[Photo of Mount Rushmore] A film expert claimed this week that there is a fifth face on the national monument Mount Rushmore. Larger and more subtly defined than the four presidents' faces, it is believed to be the profile of comedian David Brenner. [Doctored photo of Mount Rushmore with an outline of David Brenner's head superimposed.] ...

[Photo of golfer Jack Nicklaus in mid-stroke, standing in a sand trap] In sports, Jack Nicklaus won the third annual Quaker Oats Invitational. He is shown here clinching victory by blasting out of an oatmeal trap directly into an egg cup. ...

[Doctored photo of Watergate figures John Mitchell, John E. Ehrlichman and H. R. "Bob" Haldeman wearing Mickey Mouse ears] Well, Watergate cover-up co-conspirators John Mitchell, John E. Ehrlichman and "Cubby" Haldeman have been signed as Mouseketeers on the Mickey Mouse Club TV series. When asked to comment on this unusual move, the three defendants said in unison: "Why? Because we like you!" ...

[Photo of what appears to be a Japanese man with a stick standing above a Japanese woman who is neck deep in water.] Still to come: Japanese ceremonial wife-drowning after this message.

[Applause as we go to commercial.]

[A bell rings and once again we are watching the entire fifty-eight second video of the Ken Norton-Duane Bobick fight. The fight -- between Norton, a black man in blue trunks, and Bobick, a white man in tan trunks -- unfolds without interruption under the following voice overs:]

Duane Bobick V/O: You are about to witness a crime. Hello, this is Duane Bobick. According to statistics, every fifty-eight seconds a white man is brutally beaten by a black man. ... This is not necessarily the fault of the black man because environmental and societal conditions sometimes leave him no choice. That's where the Black Educational Conference comes in. They have shown thousands of black men that they do not have to resort to violence to prove their masculinity. They've shown blacks how to find rich, fulfilling and non-aggressive careers in the fields of computer technology, business administration and dentistry, that there are satisfactions in life other than beating up on whitey. ... [Norton is beating the crap out of Bobick] They suffered for four hundred years and we're sorry about it. I've seen "Roots" and so have you. Let's give them a chance to use their minds. [Norton knocks Bobick down] Remember, a better-educated black man is a weaker opponent. Show them how sorry we are. Help the black man gain respect for themselves. I know I have.

Don Pardo V/O: Send money to Black Educational Conference, Box 58, New York. And, remember, a better-educated black man is a weaker opponent.

[The referee ends the fight. Applause as we return to Jane at the WU desk.]

Jane Curtin: The makers of the Mr. Coffee appliance revealed this week that over a half million of the machines have a defect which may cause a short circuit resulting in fire. Our Update consumer department reports that the Mr. Coffee manufacturer does not plan to recall the dangerous units -- [Photo of smiling Mr. Coffee spokesman Joe DiMaggio holding a fire extinguisher] -- but will introduce a new product, Mr. Fire Extinguisher. ...

[Doctored photo of Jimmy Carter with sticks of dynamite] In a surprise move this week, President Jimmy Carter strapped three sticks of dynamite to his body and made himself into a human bomb. ... Addressing Congress, Carter threatened to explode himself unless one of the senior members of the House offered to date his aging mother Lillian. ...

Jane Curtin: And now, with tonight's commentary, is Emily Litella. [applause as we pull back to include an empty chair next to Jane - irritated, Jane loses her composure] I knew this was going to happen. Where the hell is she? ... [Jane picks up the phone and dials as she mutters to herself] For God's sakes. Irresponsible, annoying woman. God knows she's no longer funny. ... [phone rings]

Voice of Emily Litella: Hello. This is Emily Litella. I'm not home right now. But I will call you back as soon as possible. Just leave your name, number, and what time you called, after you hear the sound of the jeep. ... [a beep sounds]

Jane Curtin: Emily, that's beep, not jeep. A jeep is an army vehicle, a jeep is a tone. You should know that if you were in television. Beep, not jeep! [ready to hang up]

Voice of Emily Litella: Ohhhhhhh ... never mind.

Jane Curtin: [startled to hear Emily respond, then ticked off] Stupid woman.

Voice of Emily Litella: Bitch. ...

[Applause as Jane hangs up and stares at the phone moodily.]

Jane Curtin: [as nicely as possible] That's our news for tonight. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[Applause as Jane gives the phone a dirty look, muttering something under her breath. Pull back and fade away.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts