80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

The Cat's Name

Richard ... Bill Murray
Marilyn ... Ann Risley
Ron ... Matthew Laurance

[Richard and Marilyn rush up breathlessly to the door of their friend Ron's apartment.]

Marilyn: You were driving like a maniac. What, are we late?

Richard: No. We made it. Barely. I - I just don't like to keep people waiting.

Marilyn: All right, all right.

Richard: Okay. [Marilyn starts to ring the doorbell] Wait! Honey! What is Ron's cat's name? [she can't remember - neither can he - they are instantly stressed out] Oh. The cat? The cat's name?

Marilyn: [thinking] Ohhhhh. Ahhhh.

Richard: Oh, no. Gee.

Marilyn: Ahhhh.

Richard: Oh, I can't believe it. I can't believe I can't remember the cat's name.

Marilyn: The cat. The cat. It sent us that, uh, crossword puzzle book for Christmas.

Richard: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, the cat. I mean, I can't believe it. What's the cat's name? Wait. The name - the name was on the Christmas card. Wait a second. [remembering] "Happy Santa Claus Day from Ron ... and ..."

[But they draw a blank, continuing to moan and sigh and contort their faces. As they struggle, breathing heavily, the apartment door opens and Ron appears carrying his fluffy white cat.]

Ron: I thought I heard you two out here!

Richard: [embarrassed] Hello, Ron.

Marilyn: [chuckles self-consciously]

Ron: [off the cat] I got somebody who wants to say hello to you.

Marilyn: Ohhhh.

Ron: Come on in, come on in, come on in.

[Richard and Marilyn enter the apartment as Ron mentions their names (for the benefit of the cat?). Ron, a pleasant host, barely notices his guests' severe discomfort and numerous exchanged glances throughout the sketch.]

Ron: Marilyn. Dick.

[The couple sits on the sofa. Ron leans over between them holding the cat.]

Richard: [jovially, off the cat] Hey, look who's here.

Marilyn: Ah!

Richard: [jokingly] Gee, I don't recognize that cat.

Ron: [amused] No?

Richard: Who IS that cat?

Ron: [laughs, to Marilyn, off Richard] What a kidder this guy is!

Richard: I don't think I recall that cat.

Marilyn: [playing along] Uh uh! Neither do I!

Richard: [takes cat from Ron] Hey, somebody's got a little bit bigger here.

Marilyn: Oh, yeah.

Richard: [inspecting the cat's genitalia to determine its gender] This, uh, this cat looks like, uh, she's about ready to have kittens - or be the father of kittens or something.

Ron: Nah, nah.

Richard: Can't tell.

Ron: Nah, I'm just, uh, I'm feeding her more steak and hamburger. You know.

Richard: Oh, she's eatin' steak? She didn't always eat steak.

Ron: No, no, she didn't.

Richard: When you - When you first started with her, you used to feed her--

Ron: Yeah? [takes back the cat] Come here, come on.

Richard: What was it you used to say to her? You had something that you said and-- Oh, 'member that? What you used to say to her when you fed her?

Ron: I can't believe you remember that.

Richard: Yeah, oh, yeah.

Marilyn: Yeah, yeah.

Ron: I can't believe it.

Richard: Yeah.

Marilyn: Yeah.

Ron: I used to say ...

Marilyn: Yeah?

Ron: [playfully, to the cat] "What do YOU want for DINNER?!"

[Marilyn forces a laugh, Richard looks downcast, rolls his eyes.]

Ron: That right?

Marilyn: Yeah. Do you still have those kitty dishes you used to have?

Richard: [with gusto] With the name on it!

Ron: Yeah. Sure. I got her new ones, though.

Marilyn: Oh, new ones?!

Richard: Oh, you did? New ones? [excited] Can we see 'em?!

Marilyn: Uh, in the kitchen, right?

Richard: Great! Let's go in there!

[Richard and Marilyn bolt off the sofa and rush for the kitchen but Ron intercepts them.]

Ron: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Don't go in there. Don't go in there. I'm preparing something very special for dinner, I don't want you to see. Back up. Back up.

[Richard and Marilyn reluctantly return to the sofa and sit.]

Marilyn: Oh, oh. It's a surprise.

Ron: That's it. I'm gonna go get the drinks. Okay? [hands Marilyn the cat as she and Richard nod and chuckle nervously] Okay, stingers, right?

Marilyn: All right. Right.

Ron: Okay!

[Ron exits, leaving Richard and Marilyn with the cat. They are extremely distressed as they wrack their brains.]

Richard: Okay, all right, it's a name. I think it's a human name. Uhhhh, uhhhh.

Marilyn: It's on the DAMN DISH in the kitchen!

Richard: Ah, it's a name. It's the name of a cartoon or a movie or something like that. [takes the cat, talks to it] Popeye?

Marilyn: No, no.

Richard: Popeye? Popeye?

Marilyn: No.

Richard: Damien?! Damien?!

Marilyn: No.

Richard: R2-D2?

Marilyn: No. No, no.

Richard: R2-D2?

Marilyn: No, no. Ah, Lolita!

Richard: It'll come to us. It'll come to us.

Marilyn: I'm going crazy. I can't even think straight.

[Ron returns with a tray of vodka stingers.]

Ron: Stingers!

Marilyn: [trying to summon enthusiasm] All right!

Richard: Those look great.

Ron: Stingers!

Richard: Oh ho, those look good. Go for it.

Ron: Okay.

[Richard and Marilyn down their drinks instantly.]

Marilyn: Mmm.

Ron: [to the cat] None for you.

[Richard and Marilyn hand their empty glasses back to Ron to get rid of him.]

Richard: Could I have another, please?

Marilyn: Yeah. Me, too.

Ron: [startled] Yeah. Sure. Sure.

[Richard and Marilyn chuckle nervously as Ron exits.]

Marilyn: I hate that cat.

Richard: My eyes are watering like crazy!

[Richard and Marilyn pull fur off their clothes.]

Marilyn: Look at my dress -- it's my favorite dress!

Richard: Your dress? [off the fur] Look at this! Look at this! Look at this!

Marilyn: When we came in--

Richard: We're gonna have to burn these clothes. We're gonna smell like cat urine and everything else.

Marilyn: When we came in the door, did you smell that? I mean, it almost knocked me over! Doesn't he ever change the litter box? It's like a zoo in here.

Richard: How old is this cat? Isn't it gonna die soon?

Marilyn: I don't--

[Ron returns without the stingers.]

Ron: [explains, pleasantly] We're gonna have to go get some more creme de menthe!

Marilyn: I love this kitty.

Ron: [picks up the cat] Come here, baby.

Richard: [sudden inspiration, to Ron] CAN I USE YOUR PHONE?!

Ron: Yeah. Sure.

Richard: Thank you!

Ron: Go ahead, Rich.

[Richard leaps up, runs to phone in background, and dials a number as Marilyn tries to get Ron out of the room. She picks up Ron's unfinished stinger.]

Marilyn: Uh, could I - could I have an olive in this?

Ron: An olive? In - in a vodka stinger?

Marilyn: Yeah.

[Ron laughs and hands Marilyn the cat as he takes the stinger from her.]

Marilyn: It's great.

Ron: Okay. [rises, heads for the kitchen]

Marilyn: It's the best, it really is.

Ron: Ohhh, we're havin' some time, huh?

Marilyn: Yeah, havin' some time.

[Ron exits.]

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Jill! It's Richard. [checks to see that Ron is gone] What's Ron's cat's name? No, no, no. That's his - that's his ex-wife. What is his cat's name? Yeah, it's a movie or something like that.

Marilyn: Call Andrea.

Richard: [into the phone] Would Andrea know? I'll try her.

[Richard hangs up as Ron returns with the stinger for Marilyn.]

Richard: [intense, to Ron] MAY I MAKE ANOTHER PHONE CALL?!

Ron: [to Richard] Yeah, sure. No problem.

[Richard instantly picks up and dials as Ron hands Marilyn the drink.]

Marilyn: [to Ron] Thanks. [sips drink]

Ron: [chuckles]

Marilyn: [to Ron, off the drink] Oh, it's great now.

Ron: [picks up the cat] Come here. Come here. Come back here.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Andrea? It's Richard. I'm here with Ron. And his cat.

Ron: [to Marilyn] You wanna see somethin' great?

Marilyn: [to Ron] Yeah.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] His cat. You know, the white cat.

Ron: [to Marilyn] If you say this cat's name, she'll smile at you.

Marilyn: [to Ron] Nooooo. Noooooo.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] You know, you know, the cat that smiles when you say its name, Andrea.

Ron: [to Marilyn] Yeah! Yeah! I swear.

Marilyn: [to Ron] Go on, say it!

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Andrea...

Ron: [to Marilyn] No, no, no, no. I want YOU to say it.

Marilyn: [to Ron] Nooooo, nooo, nooo.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] The white cat. Ron's white cat that's all over the house.

Ron: Go on. Go ahead and say it.

Marilyn: [to Ron] I don't believe she can do that.

Ron: [to Marilyn] She can do it. She can do it.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Andrea... [completely loses it, to the astonishment of Ron and Marilyn] What is the DAMN CAT'S NAME?! WHAT IS IT?! WHAT IS THE CAT'S NAME?! WHAT IS RON'S CAT'S NAME?! THE CAT THAT SMILES WHEN YOU SAY ITS NAME?! ... BECAUSE I WANT IT TO SMILE, THAT'S WHY!!!! WHAT'S THE DAMN CAT'S NAME?! [beat] THANK YOU!! [hangs up, suddenly affectionate and friendly, to the cat] Hello, Herman!

[Ron and Marilyn exchange happy glances and look at the cat. Richard has apparently made Herman smile.]

Ron: [to Richard] You did it!

Richard: [points to Herman] He smiled! He's smiling!

[Dissolve to a wider view of the set with cameras, mikes and the applauding crowd visible. A superimposed text reads: Coming Up: JEAN HARRIS SHOOTING DR. J.]


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