80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton
The Cat's Name
Richard ... Bill Murray
Marilyn ... Ann Risley
Ron ... Matthew Laurance
[Richard and Marilyn rush up breathlessly to the door
of their friend Ron's apartment.]
Marilyn: You were driving like a maniac. What,
are we late?
Richard: No. We made it. Barely. I - I just
don't like to keep people waiting.
Marilyn: All right, all right.
Richard: Okay. [Marilyn starts to ring the
doorbell] Wait! Honey! What is Ron's cat's name? [she
can't remember - neither can he - they are instantly
stressed out] Oh. The cat? The cat's name?
Marilyn: [thinking] Ohhhhh. Ahhhh.
Richard: Oh, no. Gee.
Richard: Oh, I can't believe it. I can't
believe I can't remember the cat's name.
Marilyn: The cat. The cat. It sent us that, uh,
crossword puzzle book for Christmas.
Richard: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, the cat. I mean, I
can't believe it. What's the cat's name? Wait. The
name - the name was on the Christmas card. Wait a
second. [remembering] "Happy Santa Claus Day from Ron
... and ..."
[But they draw a blank, continuing to moan and sigh
and contort their faces. As they struggle, breathing
heavily, the apartment door opens and Ron appears
carrying his fluffy white cat.]
Ron: I thought I heard you two out
Richard: [embarrassed] Hello, Ron.
Marilyn: [chuckles self-consciously]
Ron: [off the cat] I got somebody who wants to
say hello to you.
Ron: Come on in, come on in, come on
[Richard and Marilyn enter the apartment as Ron
mentions their names (for the benefit of the cat?).
Ron, a pleasant host, barely notices his guests'
severe discomfort and numerous exchanged glances
throughout the sketch.]
Ron: Marilyn. Dick.
[The couple sits on the sofa. Ron leans over between
them holding the cat.]
Richard: [jovially, off the cat] Hey, look
Richard: [jokingly] Gee, I don't recognize that
Ron: [amused] No?
Richard: Who IS that cat?
Ron: [laughs, to Marilyn, off Richard] What a
kidder this guy is!
Richard: I don't think I recall that
Marilyn: [playing along] Uh uh! Neither do
Richard: [takes cat from Ron] Hey, somebody's
got a little bit bigger here.
Marilyn: Oh, yeah.
Richard: [inspecting the cat's genitalia to
determine its gender] This, uh, this cat looks like,
uh, she's about ready to have kittens - or be the
father of kittens or something.
Ron: Nah, nah.
Richard: Can't tell.
Ron: Nah, I'm just, uh, I'm feeding her more
steak and hamburger. You know.
Richard: Oh, she's eatin' steak? She didn't
always eat steak.
Ron: No, no, she didn't.
Richard: When you - When you first started with
her, you used to feed her--
Ron: Yeah? [takes back the cat] Come here, come
Richard: What was it you used to say to her?
You had something that you said and-- Oh, 'member
that? What you used to say to her when you fed
Ron: I can't believe you remember that.
Richard: Yeah, oh, yeah.
Marilyn: Yeah, yeah.
Ron: I can't believe it.
Ron: I used to say ...
Ron: [playfully, to the cat] "What do YOU want
[Marilyn forces a laugh, Richard looks downcast, rolls
Ron: That right?
Marilyn: Yeah. Do you still have those kitty
dishes you used to have?
Richard: [with gusto] With the name on
Ron: Yeah. Sure. I got her new ones,
Marilyn: Oh, new ones?!
Richard: Oh, you did? New ones? [excited] Can
we see 'em?!
Marilyn: Uh, in the kitchen, right?
Richard: Great! Let's go in there!
[Richard and Marilyn bolt off the sofa and rush for
the kitchen but Ron intercepts them.]
Ron: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.
Don't go in there. Don't go in there. I'm preparing
something very special for dinner, I don't want you to
see. Back up. Back up.
[Richard and Marilyn reluctantly return to the sofa
Marilyn: Oh, oh. It's a surprise.
Ron: That's it. I'm gonna go get the drinks.
Okay? [hands Marilyn the cat as she and Richard nod
and chuckle nervously] Okay, stingers, right?
Marilyn: All right. Right.
[Ron exits, leaving Richard and Marilyn with the cat.
They are extremely distressed as they wrack their
Richard: Okay, all right, it's a name. I think
it's a human name. Uhhhh, uhhhh.
Marilyn: It's on the DAMN DISH in the
Richard: Ah, it's a name. It's the name of a
cartoon or a movie or something like that. [takes the
cat, talks to it] Popeye?
Marilyn: No, no.
Richard: Popeye? Popeye?
Richard: Damien?! Damien?!
Marilyn: No. No, no.
Marilyn: No, no. Ah, Lolita!
Richard: It'll come to us. It'll come to us.
Marilyn: I'm going crazy. I can't even think
[Ron returns with a tray of vodka stingers.]
Marilyn: [trying to summon enthusiasm] All
Richard: Those look great.
Richard: Oh ho, those look good. Go for
[Richard and Marilyn down their drinks instantly.]
Ron: [to the cat] None for you.
[Richard and Marilyn hand their empty glasses back to
Ron to get rid of him.]
Richard: Could I have another, please?
Marilyn: Yeah. Me, too.
Ron: [startled] Yeah. Sure. Sure.
[Richard and Marilyn chuckle nervously as Ron
Marilyn: I hate that cat.
Richard: My eyes are watering like
[Richard and Marilyn pull fur off their
Marilyn: Look at my dress -- it's my favorite
Richard: Your dress? [off the fur] Look at
this! Look at this! Look at this!
Marilyn: When we came in--
Richard: We're gonna have to burn these
clothes. We're gonna smell like cat urine and
Marilyn: When we came in the door, did you
smell that? I mean, it almost knocked me over! Doesn't
he ever change the litter box? It's like a zoo in
Richard: How old is this cat? Isn't it gonna
Marilyn: I don't--
[Ron returns without the stingers.]
Ron: [explains, pleasantly] We're gonna have to
go get some more creme de menthe!
Marilyn: I love this kitty.
Ron: [picks up the cat] Come here,
Richard: [sudden inspiration, to Ron] CAN I USE
Ron: Yeah. Sure.
Richard: Thank you!
Ron: Go ahead, Rich.
[Richard leaps up, runs to phone in background, and
dials a number as Marilyn tries to get Ron out of the
room. She picks up Ron's unfinished stinger.]
Marilyn: Uh, could I - could I have an olive in
Ron: An olive? In - in a vodka stinger?
[Ron laughs and hands Marilyn the cat as he takes the
stinger from her.]
Marilyn: It's great.
Ron: Okay. [rises, heads for the
Marilyn: It's the best, it really is.
Ron: Ohhh, we're havin' some time, huh?
Marilyn: Yeah, havin' some time.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Jill!
It's Richard. [checks to see that Ron is gone] What's
Ron's cat's name? No, no, no. That's his - that's his
ex-wife. What is his cat's name? Yeah, it's a movie or
something like that.
Marilyn: Call Andrea.
Richard: [into the phone] Would Andrea know?
I'll try her.
[Richard hangs up as Ron returns with the stinger for
Richard: [intense, to Ron] MAY I MAKE ANOTHER
Ron: [to Richard] Yeah, sure. No
[Richard instantly picks up and dials as Ron hands
Marilyn the drink.]
Marilyn: [to Ron] Thanks. [sips drink]
Marilyn: [to Ron, off the drink] Oh, it's great
Ron: [picks up the cat] Come here. Come here.
Come back here.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Andrea?
It's Richard. I'm here with Ron. And his cat.
Ron: [to Marilyn] You wanna see somethin'
Marilyn: [to Ron] Yeah.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] His
cat. You know, the white cat.
Ron: [to Marilyn] If you say this cat's name,
she'll smile at you.
Marilyn: [to Ron] Nooooo. Noooooo.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] You
know, you know, the cat that smiles when you say its
Ron: [to Marilyn] Yeah! Yeah! I swear.
Marilyn: [to Ron] Go on, say it!
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice]
Ron: [to Marilyn] No, no, no, no. I want YOU to
Marilyn: [to Ron] Nooooo, nooo, nooo.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] The
white cat. Ron's white cat that's all over the
Ron: Go on. Go ahead and say it.
Marilyn: [to Ron] I don't believe she can do
Ron: [to Marilyn] She can do it. She can do
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice]
Andrea... [completely loses it, to the astonishment of
Ron and Marilyn] What is the DAMN CAT'S NAME?! WHAT IS
IT?! WHAT IS THE CAT'S NAME?! WHAT IS RON'S CAT'S
NAME?! THE CAT THAT SMILES WHEN YOU SAY ITS
NAME?! ... BECAUSE I WANT IT TO SMILE,
THAT'S WHY!!!! WHAT'S THE DAMN CAT'S NAME?!
[beat] THANK YOU!! [hangs up, suddenly affectionate
and friendly, to the cat] Hello, Herman!
[Ron and Marilyn exchange happy glances and look at
the cat. Richard has apparently made Herman
Ron: [to Richard] You did it!
Richard: [points to Herman] He smiled! He's
[Dissolve to a wider view of the set with cameras,
mikes and the applauding crowd visible. A superimposed
text reads: Coming Up: JEAN HARRIS SHOOTING DR.