96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple
Shopping At Home Network
Don West.....Will Ferrell
Eddie Lewis.....Chris Kattan
Ron.....Robert Downey, Jr.
[ open on Don and Eddie working the Shop At Home Network broadcast ]
Don West: Alright, we're back here at Shop At Home Network! Don West here, with my partner Eddie Lewis.
Eddie Lewis: We've been selling things like crazy today! It has been a madhouse here at Shop At Home!
Don West: It certainly has! Hey, Ron! What have we got here next?!
Eddie Lewis: What we've got here, Ron?!
[ Ron enters ]
Ron: Well, folks.. if you are a Shaquille O'Neal fan.. and you are looking for the ultimate Shaquille O'Neal collectible, then you are looking at an incredible deal!
Eddie Lewis: Alright, let me get this straight! Now.. this is a.. Shaq.. Plaque! Is that right?
Ron: That is right!
Don West: Before we go on, I gotta ask you a question! You got a Shaq Plaque here.. with eight collectible cards, all mounted in mint condition - keep in mind, on the plaque!
Eddie Lewis: [ casually points to a Shaq poster on the wall ] Hold on a second here.. what is this over here..?
Don West: I don't know what you're doing there, Eddie..
Eddie Lewis: Is that a poster of.. Shaq?!
Ron: Oh yes, it is.
Don West: That's not included, is it?!
Ron: It.. absolutely.. is!
Eddie Lewis: [ aghast at the thought ] Hold on!! He's flying through the cloud!
Don West: [ freaking out at Ron's audacity ] You can't include that!!
Ron: I am including it!
Eddie Lewis: Now, this was never discussed!!
Don West: We're giving away way too much here!!
Eddie Lewis: Hold on a second!! What's the price on this?!
Ron: This is a $600 value.. I'm gonna sell it $99.95.
Eddie Lewis: What?!!
Don West: What?!!
Eddie Lewis: You can't do that!!
Don West: Wait a second!! What you're saying - the Shaq Plaque.. plus the poster!
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, hold on!! H-he's flying through the air!! He is not on the court!!
Ron: I know! It's crazy! The man can't fly! It is Shaq! and it's $99.95.
Don West: You can't do this!!
Eddie Lewis: Get out of here!! Get him out of here!!
Don West: You get out!! [ Ron is shoved off the set ] This is a deal we did not want to happen!
Eddie Lewis: It's too late! Folks! You got the number on your screen - 1-800-555-0123.. [ the phones begin to ring like crazy ] If you're having trouble getting through on the phone, keep trying!!
Don West: We are so backed up with calls-
Eddie Lewis: Hold on a second.. wait a second.. [ touching the cards on the plaque ] You can't remove these cards from the plaque, can you?
Don West: No, you can't! There is no way!
Eddie Lewis: You can't remove the cards..?
Don West: There is no way you can rmeove the cards..
Eddie Lewis: Hold on here.. uh.. [ casually removes one of the cards from the plaque ] I-I just took the card off the plaque.
Don West: [ outraged like a sonofabitch ] WHAT?!!
Eddie Lewis: Yeah.
Don West: WHAT?!!
Eddie Lewis: Yeah.
Don West: You mean you can take the Shaq cards off the Shaq Plaque if you want to?!!
Eddie Lewis: Yeah.. you can take the cards off..
Don West: This is TOO much!!
Eddie Lewis: [ nearly speechless ] The phones are ringing.. I can't stop the phones!! The cards can ome off!
Don West: The poster's STILL here, folks!
Eddie Lewis: Shaq's still in the air, he's flying over there!!
Don West: Ron, how many do we have left?!
[ Ron re-enters the set ]
Ron: You're not gonna believe this.. we've got about four left.
Don West: GET OUT OF HERE!!
Eddie Lewis: GET OUT!!
Don West: GET OUT!!
[ Ron is shoved off the set ]
Eddie Lewis: The phones are ringing!!
Don West: I'm going out of my mind!!
Eddie Lewis: I think I'm gonna have a heart attack right here!!
Don West: Eddie, you're not gonna believe this - Kirk Cameron just called.. and he even can't get through!!
Eddie Lewis: Folks, we're talking.. Kirk.. Cameron.. here! Kirk! I'm having a heart attack..!!
Don West: I'm going out of my MIND!!
Eddie Lewis: Tell you what - I'm gonna make this all easy on us! [ holds a gun to his head ] I'm gonna shoot myself in the head, because I cannot TAKE THIS MADNESS!!
Don West: Folks, this is no joke! That gun he's holding - can we get a CLOSE-UP of this shot?!!
Eddie Lewis: Yeah! We're gonna go to that view!
[ cut to close-up of Eddie pointing the gun to his head ]
Don West: This is from the "Dirty Harry" Collectible Series.. it does not fire, but he will find a way to make it work!
Eddie Lewis: Yeah! If Shaq can fly, I will kill myself WITH this replcia gun!! Which we'll be selling later this half-hour! Now, Ronnie! How many plaques do have left?!!
Don West: We've got about three left.
Eddie Lewis: YOU GET OUTTA HERE!!
Don West: GET OUTTA HERE!!
Eddie Lewis: GET HIM OUT OF HERE!!
Don West: The phones are ringing, folks!
Eddie Lewis: Can you stop them by chance, so I don't have to kill myself?!!
Don West: Hey, I'd hate to lose you, buddy, but I can't do a thing..
Eddie Lewis: MY GOD!!
Don West: This poster's still included!!
Eddie Lewis: He's still flying through the air!!
[ Ron casually re-enters scene with soem news ]
Ron: Just sold the last Shaq Plaque.
[ phones stop ringing, as everything turns back to normal ]
Don West: And.. they're gone.
Eddie Lewis: They're gone. [ drops the gun ]
Don West: Okay.
Eddie Lewis: Moving on.. what do we have next, Ronnie?
Don West: What have we got, Ronnie? Whoa!
Ron: We've got a.. limited-edition.. "Star Wars" Collector Plates series, coming up!
[ fade ]