Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6






96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Shopping At Home Network

Don West.....Will Ferrell
Eddie Lewis.....Chris Kattan
Ron.....Robert Downey, Jr.

[ open on Don and Eddie working the Shop At Home Network broadcast ]

Don West: Alright, we're back here at Shop At Home Network! Don West here, with my partner Eddie Lewis.

Eddie Lewis: We've been selling things like crazy today! It has been a madhouse here at Shop At Home!

Don West: It certainly has! Hey, Ron! What have we got here next?!

Eddie Lewis: What we've got here, Ron?!

[ Ron enters ]

Ron: Well, folks.. if you are a Shaquille O'Neal fan.. and you are looking for the ultimate Shaquille O'Neal collectible, then you are looking at an incredible deal!

Eddie Lewis: Alright, let me get this straight! Now.. this is a.. Shaq.. Plaque! Is that right?

Ron: That is right!

Don West: Before we go on, I gotta ask you a question! You got a Shaq Plaque here.. with eight collectible cards, all mounted in mint condition - keep in mind, on the plaque!

Eddie Lewis: [ casually points to a Shaq poster on the wall ] Hold on a second here.. what is this over here..?

Don West: I don't know what you're doing there, Eddie..

Eddie Lewis: Is that a poster of.. Shaq?!

Ron: Oh yes, it is.

Don West: That's not included, is it?!

Ron: It.. absolutely.. is!

Eddie Lewis: [ aghast at the thought ] Hold on!! He's flying through the cloud!

Don West: [ freaking out at Ron's audacity ] You can't include that!!

Ron: I am including it!

Eddie Lewis: Now, this was never discussed!!

Don West: We're giving away way too much here!!

Eddie Lewis: Hold on a second!! What's the price on this?!

Ron: This is a $600 value.. I'm gonna sell it $99.95.

Eddie Lewis: What?!!

Don West: What?!!

Eddie Lewis: You can't do that!!

Don West: Wait a second!! What you're saying - the Shaq Plaque.. plus the poster!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah, hold on!! H-he's flying through the air!! He is not on the court!!

Ron: I know! It's crazy! The man can't fly! It is Shaq! and it's $99.95.

Don West: You can't do this!!

Eddie Lewis: Get out of here!! Get him out of here!!

Don West: You get out!! [ Ron is shoved off the set ] This is a deal we did not want to happen!

Eddie Lewis: It's too late! Folks! You got the number on your screen - 1-800-555-0123.. [ the phones begin to ring like crazy ] If you're having trouble getting through on the phone, keep trying!!

Don West: We are so backed up with calls-

Eddie Lewis: Hold on a second.. wait a second.. [ touching the cards on the plaque ] You can't remove these cards from the plaque, can you?

Don West: No, you can't! There is no way!

Eddie Lewis: You can't remove the cards..?

Don West: There is no way you can rmeove the cards..

Eddie Lewis: Hold on here.. uh.. [ casually removes one of the cards from the plaque ] I-I just took the card off the plaque.

Don West: [ outraged like a sonofabitch ] WHAT?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah.

Don West: WHAT?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah.

Don West: You mean you can take the Shaq cards off the Shaq Plaque if you want to?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah.. you can take the cards off..

Don West: This is TOO much!!

Eddie Lewis: [ nearly speechless ] The phones are ringing.. I can't stop the phones!! The cards can ome off!

Don West: The poster's STILL here, folks!

Eddie Lewis: Shaq's still in the air, he's flying over there!!

Don West: Ron, how many do we have left?!

[ Ron re-enters the set ]

Ron: You're not gonna believe this.. we've got about four left.

Don West: GET OUT OF HERE!!

Eddie Lewis: GET OUT!!

Don West: GET OUT!!

[ Ron is shoved off the set ]

Eddie Lewis: The phones are ringing!!

Don West: I'm going out of my mind!!

Eddie Lewis: I think I'm gonna have a heart attack right here!!

Don West: Eddie, you're not gonna believe this - Kirk Cameron just called.. and he even can't get through!!

Eddie Lewis: Folks, we're talking.. Kirk.. Cameron.. here! Kirk! I'm having a heart attack..!!

Don West: I'm going out of my MIND!!

Eddie Lewis: Tell you what - I'm gonna make this all easy on us! [ holds a gun to his head ] I'm gonna shoot myself in the head, because I cannot TAKE THIS MADNESS!!

Don West: Folks, this is no joke! That gun he's holding - can we get a CLOSE-UP of this shot?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah! We're gonna go to that view!

[ cut to close-up of Eddie pointing the gun to his head ]

Don West: This is from the "Dirty Harry" Collectible Series.. it does not fire, but he will find a way to make it work!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah! If Shaq can fly, I will kill myself WITH this replcia gun!! Which we'll be selling later this half-hour! Now, Ronnie! How many plaques do have left?!!

Don West: We've got about three left.

Eddie Lewis: YOU GET OUTTA HERE!!

Don West: GET OUTTA HERE!!

Eddie Lewis: GET HIM OUT OF HERE!!

Don West: The phones are ringing, folks!

Eddie Lewis: Can you stop them by chance, so I don't have to kill myself?!!

Don West: Hey, I'd hate to lose you, buddy, but I can't do a thing..

Eddie Lewis: MY GOD!!

Don West: This poster's still included!!

Eddie Lewis: He's still flying through the air!!

[ Ron casually re-enters scene with soem news ]

Ron: Just sold the last Shaq Plaque.

[ phones stop ringing, as everything turns back to normal ]

Don West: And.. they're gone.

Eddie Lewis: They're gone. [ drops the gun ]

Don West: Okay.

Eddie Lewis: Moving on.. what do we have next, Ronnie?

Don West: What have we got, Ronnie? Whoa!

Ron: We've got a.. limited-edition.. "Star Wars" Collector Plates series, coming up!

[ fade ]


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