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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

Matthew Broderick’s Monologue

…..Matthew Broderick

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen — Matthew Broderick!

[ Matthew takes center stage as the audience applauds ]

Matthew Broderick: Thanks! Thanks! Thank you very much. Thanks a lot. It’s great to be here. It’s great to be here. I can’t believe I’m finally hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I should tell you, I’m pretty nervous, um, this is my first time doing live television, and it’s a little scary.

[ turns to camera B ]

There are several rules for doing a monologue on a show like this.

[ text appears above him: “TIPS FOR THE MONOLOGUE”, followed by bullet points ]

The first rule is to project vulnerability. You pretend you’re nervous, and it helps get the audience on your side. Also, it’s good to remind them that this is a live show and that anything can happen.

[ turns back to camera A ]

This is a live show, and anything can happen … [ touches forehead ] especially when you’re working with a group like this, because after spending a week with these people, I can tell you, this group is crazy.

[ turns to camera B ]

Rule number two: Always say “This group is crazy”. It reinforces the element of danger, and it flatters the writers, makes them feel like they haven’t lost their edge.

[ turns to camera A ]

Boy, let me tell you, live TV is the scariest thing in the world. I mean, if you mess up something on live TV, that’s it. You don’t get to do it three or four times like you get to do in the movies.

[ turns to camera B ]

Rule number three: Always work in a mention of your movie.

[ turns to camera A ]

Speaking of movies, I just completed one. It’s called “Torch Song Trilogy” and it’s opening December 14. [ applause ] I’m feeling — I’m feeling better now and uh, I’m all relaxed and well-rehearsed, and my hands are clean.

[ turns to camera B ]

Rule number four: Employees must wash their hands.

[ turns to camera A ]

So — it’s gonna be a great show. We have the Sugarcubes here, so stick around! We’ll be right back!

[ applause ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

Cooking With Monkey

Don Winston…..Dana Carvey
Chef Antoine…..Jon Lovitz
Patron #1…..Jan Hooks
Patron #2…..Victoria Jackson
Patron #3…..Dennis Miller

[ Fade in to a kitchen as title card is shown ]

Don Winston: Good afternoon, and welcome once again to “Cooking With Monkey.” I’m your host, Don Winston. Tonight we’ll be making Monkey Casserole Mexicali, a spicy monkey dish from south of the border. [ takes a pot out of the oven ] All right. Mm-mm. [ sets it on the cutting board and lifts the lid ] Huh? The chiles just really wake up the monkey. Heh heh.Now, before we get started, I was at the zoo today, and I noticed something. Maybe you’ve noticed this too. They always put the snack bar right next to the monkey house. It’s true. And you know why, don’t you? It’s because you go in there, you see those monkeys and you get hungry. You walk outside, and there’s the snack bar. Pretty smart I guess, huh? Anyway, just something I noticed.And now, let’s get to our mailbag. [ picks up a letter ] This letter is from Jennifer Carson of Stockton, Texas, and she writes, “Dear Don, recently I served your recipe for Orange Monkey Flambé to my neighbors, but when I wheeled the flaming monkey out into the dining room, I was greeted with stares instead of the applause I was expecting. Did I not follow the recipe correctly?” Probably you followed the recipe, but guests can be intimidated by the sight of a flaming monkey. It’s a little too fancy for a get-to-know-you dinner. A better choice would have been something like … uh, Monkey Loaf with three bean salad, or even just Monkey Pot Pie.Okay, let’s get back to our recipe for Monkey Casserole Mexicali. Mm-mm! The first thing, of course, is good monkey meat. [ displays it in a bowl ] Now, it’s important to use a young monkey. [ holds up a photograph ] This is the monkey we’re preparing today. His name was Pepe and he was less than a year old. I had a little of him this morning and he was so good I couldn’t help but pick at him all day. [ chuckles ] You know what I’m talking about.The second thing you want with monkey meat is freshness. In fact, I had a chance recently to talk about this with the famous French chef Antoine at Monkey House on East 48th Street here in Manhattan. Can we roll that tape, please?[ the tape begins with an outdoor shot of NYC at night ]

Don Winston V/O: The French Monkey House is just an elegant spot for fine monkey dining.

[ fade to Antoine talking to Don ]

Chef Antoine: I cannot emphasize enough how important is ze monkey freshness.

Don Winston: So you wouldn’t use, say, a frozen monkey? [ Antoine scowls, and Don nods. Don notices a monkey habitat behind them ] Hey, um – what, what is this over here, chef?

Chef Antoine: Oh, well, to ensure the freshness, we have ze live monkeys here in ze restaurant, and ze patrons can pick out the monkey they desire, of course, and we have the monkeys in a glass cage, to keep the stink from coming out.

Waiter: Your order, madame?

Patron #1: Oh, I don’t know, [ points ] I think I’ll take that frisky one, the one swinging around up there? [ to husband ] Is that good? [ husband nods, waiter takes another order ]

Waiter: Madame?

Patron #2: I’ll take that one that was riding the tricycle.

[ the waiter nods, walks to patron #3 ]

Patron #3: And I would like the little one that’s clinging to the bigger one.

Waiter: Oui, monsieur.

Don Winston: Chef Antoine, let me ask you a question: what about people who say it’s wrong to eat monkey? … With a rosé? (wine)

Chef Antoine: Rosé? Pphhht! Ha ha ha ha ha! [ Don laughs along with him ]

[ fade to another outdoor shot of NYC at night ]

Don Winston V/O: As we bid adieu to the French Monkey House, we say … goodbye … to the French Monkey House.

[ back to Don in the kitchen ]

Don Winston: Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today. You know, I’m sorry I didn’t get to show you how to prepare Monkey Casserole Mexicali, but once again, here’s how it looks when it’s done. [ lifts the lid off the pot ] Mmmm! Pepe es muy bueno!Now if you’d like a copy of this recipe, plus one of my patented monkey de-boners, please sent $4.98 to [ the address is displayed ] Cooking With Monkey, Top of the Empire State Building, New York, New York. And join us next week, when our recipe will be Monkey in a Blanket. Mm-mm. I’m Don Winston. Bye now.

[ Title card displayed again. Fade to SNL Band ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

The Five Beatles

Albert Goldman…..Phil Hartman
John Lennon…..Matthew Broderick
Paul McCartney…..Dana Carvey
George Harrison…..Dennis Miller
Ringo Starr…..Jon Lovitz
Elvis…..Kevin Nealon
Roadie……Tom Davis

[ open on a series of press publications regarding Albert Goldman’s biography of John Lennon – cut to Goldman speaking to the press ]

Albert Goldman: And I’m telling you, it’s all true.

Reporters: Mr. Goldman! Mr. Goldman!

First Reporter: What about the allegations that you lied?

Second Reporter: Many sources say you misquoted them.

Third Reporter: It almost seems like you had a personal grudge against John Lennon.

Albert Goldman: [ sarcastically ] Oh, alright.. I lied, print it. Albert Goldman is a liar! [ seriously ] I had to do it! Don’t you understand! After what they did to me?

Reporters: What? Did what to you?

Albert Goldman: [ reminiscing ] It all started 25 years ago, back in Liverpool. [ screen ripples, prompting a flashback, but returns to normal ] It was a long time ago.. [ screen ripples again, but still goes nowhere ] Oh, concentrate harder, for goodness sake!

[ screen finally goes into a flashback, fading to black-and-white, outside a nightclub, with superimposed title: “The Cavern, Liverpool, 1963.” Cut to inside the Cavern, where a young audience waits for the Beatles to arrive on stage. ]

Announcer: And now, ladies and gentleman, it’s time for our next act. Please give them a big Cavern welcome: John, Paul, George, Albert Goldman and Ringo, the five Beatles!

[ The Beatles enter onto the stage amidst enthusiastic screams from onlookers ]

Paul McCartney: [ giving the cue ] One two three four! [ band breaks into a rendition of “I Saw Her Standing There,” and the crowd goes wild ]

[ singing ]

“She was just seventeen, and you know what I mean,
And the way she looked was way beyond compare,
I’d never danced with another, ooh!
When I saw her standing there.”

[ after the verse, Goldman breaks into a trombone solo, which brings a silence to the room. The music dallies off and Goldman is left hanging on an out-of-tune note. Screams suddenly return with the next verse ]

Paul McCartney: “Well we danced through the night,
and we held each other tight,
And before too long, I fell in love with her,
I’ll never dance with another, ooh!
When I saw her standing there,
When I saw her standing there.”

[ band ends on another note by Goldman, and again the audience turns silent, after which the Beatles leave the stage unenthusiastically ]

Announcer: The five Beatles! John, Paul, George, Albert Goldman and Ringo!

[ cut to backstage – Albert Goldman still looks the same as in the present, and speaks in a distinct American accent ]

Albert Goldman: [ irritated ] Where were you guys on that cue? I mean, come on, please, meet me halfway!

John Lennon: Sorry, Albert.

Albert Goldman: Actions, not words, fellas, comprende? Eh, Ringo? Alright, I gotta go grab some stuff. Nobody touch my horn! [ puts the horn aside and exits ]

Paul McCartney: I think we’ve got to talk about Albert.

George Harrison: Yeah, he’s a real problem.

Paul McCartney: Yeah, John.

John Lennon: Now fellas, fellas.. come on, fellas, he’s a nice guy.

Paul McCartney: Come on, John, don’t be daft. He’s a real drag!

George Harrison: Yeah, he just doesn’t fit in somehow.

John Lennon: Look fellas, we’re the only friends he’s got; we should show him some compassion. Besides his parents were nice enough to buy these amplifiers for us. Least we could do is be supportive.

Paul McCartney: Ringo, what’s your opinion?

Ringo Starr: [ uptight ] Oh listen, I don’t know.. whatever you fellas think. I mean, I’m just happy to be here.

John Lennon: No really, Ringo, tell us what you think.

Ringo Starr: [ hesitating ] Well.. alright then. Well, I think there are several points to consider. For one thing, we must remember this is a business first, and two, if people in the band are unhappy, it will affect the performance, and three, this is a crucial stage in our development, and I think..

Paul McCartney: Alright, alright, Ringo! I think that’s enough!

Ringo Starr: Well, whatever you guys think. I’m just happy to be here.

John Lennon: I just don’t see why you fellas don’t like him. I mean, he’s never had a nasty word for anyone.

[ a Roadie appears at the doorway ]

Roadie: Hello lads, you’ve got a visitor!

[ Elvis enters ]

Elvis: Hello everybody!

Beatles: Elvis!

Paul McCartney: Elvis, we’re your biggest fans!

John Lennon: What are you doing here, Elvis?

Elvis: I was doin’ two movies across the street and I heard your music, and it set my feet a-tappin’! Thought I’d come over to do some investigatin’!

Ringo Starr: Well, did you like it?

Elvis: You bet! Except for one thing – you gotta lose that fat, bald, unattractive guy who plays the horn.

John Lennon: But he’s a good friend!

Elvis: Listen, Lennon, you gotta remember – it’s a business first.

Ringo Starr: That’s what I said.

Paul McCartney: Quiet, Ringo! Elvis is talking!

Elvis: You gotta lose him. So now which one of yous here’s the leader?

Paul McCartney: I’m the leader.

Elvis: Well then, you’re gonna have to tell him.

Paul McCartney: [ retracting ] Oh, the “leeeeader“! Oh, well.. John’s the “leeeeader“!

George Harrison: It has to be done, John. It’s up to you.

John Lennon: [ pauses, then sighs ] Alright, I’ll do it. [ other Beatles get up to leave ]

Paul McCartney: Good for you, John!

George Harrison: Good luck, John!

Paul McCartney: Good luck, John.

Ringo Starr: [ presents a drum to John ] Here, John, take this. It’s me lucky drum. [ John accepts and puts it aside ]

Elvis: Here he comes. I’ll be right back here in case you need me. [ he goes into a hidden corner, off-camera, as Goldman returns ]

Albert Goldman: [ impatiently ] Well, now.. where is everybody? We have another set in five minutes! I told everyone to be here to rehearse “She Loves You, Wah Wah Wah.”

John Lennon: Actually, Albert, there’s no reason to rehearse.

Albert Goldman: [ surprised ] Oh really, Mr. Layabout? Did you hear the same set that I heard? Audience not liking, Beatles dying!

John Lennon: I hate to say this, Albert, but.. you’re out of the group.

Albert Goldman: [ crestfallen ] What?

John Lennon: Please don’t be upset, it’s hard enough as it is.

Albert Goldman: I just don’t get it. Is it because I’m bald and fat?

John Lennon: No.

Albert Goldman: Then why? Whose idea was this?

John Lennon: Everybody’s. Paul, George, Ringo, me..

Elvis: [ coming out of hiding ] And me.

Albert Goldman: [ does a double take in disbelief ] Elvis?!

Elvis: That’s right, son. You got no talent, you look bad. Get out of the business.

Albert Goldman: Well, you’ve got some nerve!

Elvis: And another thing – you oughtta watch your weight. Clean up your act, stay away from that junk food. Remembe – you are what you eat.

John Lennon: Sorry, Albert.

Albert Goldman: [ angry ] You think it’s so easy, don’t you? “Sorry, Albert, no hard feelings!” Well, I’ve got news for you, Mr. Presley, and you, too, Mr. Lennon! I’ll get my revenge! Maybe not soon.. maybe not for some time, because I’m a little scared of you. But some day, I’ll be back! [ shouts hysterically ] I’ll be back! [ storms out of the room ] I’ll be back! [ an echoing, sinister laugh is heard after he leaves. Elvis and John look on ]

Elvis: There goes the grace of God.

John Lennon: It’s a real shame.

Elvis: Come on, let’s go get some health food. [ he and John exit out the doorway ]

[ screen fades out of the flashback, back to Goldman and the press ]

Albert Goldman: Well, that’s my story.

Reporter: So what ever happened to Elvis?

Albert Goldman: Oh, well, he became a big.. [a sullen look suddenly appears on his face as he realizes the reporter’s intention ] Who asked that question?! [ Reporters laugh hysterically ] I’ll get you!!!

[ fade to black ]

Submitted by: Rob Holtman

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


October 15th, 1988

Matthew Broderick

The Sugarcubes

None

Catherine O’Hara

Laurie Metcalf

Tom Davis
The GraduateSummary: At a campaign fundraiser, Dan Quayle (Matthew Broderick) finds himself the object of Nancy Reagan’s (Jan Hooks) seduction.

Recurring Characters: George Bush, Dan Quayle, Jeanne Kirkpatrick, Nancy Reagan.

Montage

Matthew Broderick’s MonologueBio: Matthew Broderick (1962-). Actor; was offered Michael J. Fox’s role in “Family Ties” sitcom, but turned it down because of his film schedule; films include: “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” (1986), “Glory” (1989), “The Cable Guy” (1996), “Election” (1999); married to actress Sarah Jessica Parker since 1997.

Also Hosted: 97s.

Transcript

McDonnell-RandSummary: Medical waste ad parody.

The Five BeatlesSummary: In his tell-all book, embittered Albert Goldman (Phil Hartman) recalls being kicked out The Beatles.

Recurring Characters: John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Elvis Presley.

Transcript

Cooking with MonkeySummary: Don Winston (Dana Carvey) introduces his audience to an upscale restaurant where all the dishes are prepared exclusively from monkey.

Transcript

The Sugarcubes perform “Birthday”Bio: Alternative rock band from Iceland; members: Björk Guðmundsdóttir (vocals, keyboards), Einar Örn Benediktsson, Sigtryggur Baldursson (drums), Þór Eldon (guitar), Bragi Ólafsson (bass), Einar Melax (keyboards).

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: A. Whitney Brown delivers “The Big Picture” on ??

Transcript

Nude BeachSummary: Bob (Dana Carvey) introduces shy Doug (Matthew Broderick) to the rest of the group of nudists who hang out on the beach. Together, they sing “The Penis Song”.

Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.

Transcript

The Thumper FamilyTranscript

Learning to FeelSummary: The two girl watchers (Tom Hanks, Jon Lovitz) try to meet women at their ten-year high school reunion.

Recurring Characters: Denise Venetti, Neil Simmons.

Laurie Has A Story

Hollywood SaluteTranscript

The Sugarcubes perform “Motorcrash”

The Baby & The Fairy

Goodnights

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 1

88a: Tom Hanks / Keith Richards

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
…..Kevin Nealon
Sergei Akmudov…..Phil Hartman
Trainer…..A. Whitney Brown

Music Intro: “Simply Irresistable”, Robert Palmer

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

Because of Dan Quayle’s refusal to directly answer many of the questions posed to him the other night, we at “Weekend Update” now refer to the confrontation as the Bentson & Hedges Debate.

According to an offical poll of “Weekend Update” viewers, concerning their reservations about Dan Quayle as Vice-President: 33% of our viewers said they feared his age and lack of experience, 46% said they are fearful of his lack of sincerity, and an overwhelming 94% said that they are incredibly frightened of his wife’s hairdo.

You know, the last time I saw this haircut, it was making supper for Rob Petrie and Richie.

Insiders are saying that Chilean dictator Gustav Pinochet is blaming his defeat in Wednesday’s nationwide referendum, on his running mate Daniel Dequayer. Chilean voters worried that Dequayer would not be brutal enough in the event he had to assume power. Dequayer, who is called El Pendexito – or, literally, “Little Pubic Hair” – says he’s at least as brutal as Franco was when he took power. A spokesman for the opposition said, “Hey, I know Franco; I was tortured by Franco; he’s no Franco.”

The Supreme Court reconvened this week, and ruled that it is justifiable homicide to kill somebody who makes that quotes-sign thing with their fingers when they’re talking to.

Dennis Miller: In response to what its sponsors claim is an ideawhose time has come, the first All-Drug Olympics opened today in Bogota, Columbia. Athletes are allowed to take any substance whatsoever before, after, and even during the competition. So far, 115 world records have been shattered! We go now to correspondent Kevin Nealon, live in Bogota for the Weightlifting Finals. Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: Dennis, getting ready to lift now is Sergei Akmudov of the Soviet Union. His trainer has told me that he’s taken antibolic steroids, Novacaine, Nyquil, Darvon, and some sort of fish paralyzer. Also, I believe he’s had a few cocktails within the last hour or so. All of this is, of course, perfectly legal at the All-Drug Olympics, in fact it’s encouraged. Akmudov is getting set now, he’s going for a cleaning jerk of over 1500 pounds, which would triple the existing world record. That’s an awful lot of weight, Dennis, and here he goes.

[ Kevin steps aside to reveal the steroid-bulked athlete bent over to lift the 1500 lbs. weight. Sergei tightens his grip on the barbells and pulls up, but instead of lifting the weights, his arms are pulled off and blood squirts ferociously out of his pulpy stubs.

Kevin Nealon: Oh! He pulled his arms off! He’s pulled his arms off, that’s gotta be disappointing to the big Russian! [ Sergei’s trainer wraps a towel around him ] You know, you hate to see something like this happen, Dennis! He probably doesn’t have that much pain right now, but I think tomorrow he’s really gonna feel that, Dennis! Back to you!

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Kevin. Very nice form on the Russian.Canada, of course, is leading that competition.

After 67 shutout innings, Dodgers pitcher Orel Hershiser finally surrendered a run this week to the New York Mets. Hershiser was getting very close to the all-time record of not getting scored on, set by Brooke Shields from the age of 16 to.. well, what time is it, huh?

Yesterday, sunrise occurred at 6:42 Eastern Daylight Time, prompting Yankees coach George Steinbrenner to fire manager Lou Pinella.

The NBC “Today Show” and Olympic host Bryant Gumbel’s ego applied for statehood today. If granted, it would become our nation’s fifty-first state, and ninth largest.

Proctor & Gamble unveiled a new soap this week. Although it looks normal, the soap is actually hollow, which eliminates those little pieces that are always left at the end.

And the fifth grossing film in America this week is “Young Guns”, the new film where everybody in it is Martin Sheen’s son, but nobody has the same last name. There’s a tight nuclear family, huh?

Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 1

88a: Tom Hanks / Keith Richards

Mr. Short-Term Memory

Written by: Conan O’Brien

Mr. Short-Term Memory…..Tom Hanks
Date…..Victoria Jackson
Waiter…..Phil Hartman

Jingle:
“Mr. Short-Term Memory.
He shouldn’t have stood under that pear tree.
Now there’s just no remedy.
He’ll frustrate you so
But he’ll never know.
Because he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory.”

Announcer: Tonight’s episode: “The Blind Date”.

[ segue into Mr. Short-Term Memory in a fancy restaurant sitting at atable with his blind date ]

Mr. Short-Term Memory: So, the boss walks into the office, and Bill’s got his sweater on over his head, and.. [ laughs ]

Date: [ laughing ] Bill sounds like a pretty funny guy!

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Bill who?

Date: The guy you work with.

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, Bill? How do you know Bill?

Date: I don’t know Bill.

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, it’s too bad, he’s a pretty funny guy! So, you want to guy out to dinner?

Date: What do you mean? We’re at dinner.

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, great, I’m hungry!

[ Waiter walks up with a bottle of wine ]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir.

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Hey, what’s with the wine?

Waiter: It’s the Bordeaux you just ordered.

Mr. Short-Term Memory: I didn’t order any wine! If this is one of those kind of places where they bring you wine that you didn’t order, and then put it on your bill, I’m not biting!

Date: Jeff, you ordered the wine.

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh! [ takes the wine and pours it ]

Date: You know, it’s kind of funny that you’re in advertising..because my dad used to be in advertising. When I was little, he’d try his ideas on me, and..

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Excuse me.. Miss? You’re welcome to sit here and everything.. but I think introductions are in order.

Date: Jeff. It’s me. Caroline. Your date.

Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ checks her out ] Ohhh, hey, alright! So, what’s your name?

Waiter: [ returns with menus ] Here are your menus. Our Special this evening is Medallions of Veal smothered in a wine and mushroom sauce.

Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ examines menu ] Is there a Special tonight?

Waiter: I just told you the Special: Medallions of Veal..

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Look, just tell me about the Special, please? I don’t want to hear all this babbling about Medallions of Veal – I don’t even see it on the menu!

Waiter: I’m.. sorry, Sir.. there are no Specials.

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Well.. okay. I’ll have the Poached Salmon.

Date: I’ll have the same.

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Hey! Poached Salmon! I’ll have that! [ Waiter tries to take the menu ] Excuse me, but I think we’re going to need these menus to order the food!

Waiter: [ takes menu ] Uh.. I’ll get you a fresh one.

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh. Wow. Classy place. I hope they havePoached Salmon!

Date: Yeah. Well, anyway.. you know, I used to think of going into advertising myself.. but.. once I got into publishing, well..

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Excuse me. This is very interesting, but I don’t know who you are, and frankly, it’s making me just a little..

Date: Caroline! Caroline! I’m your date! Caroline!

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh. [ checks her out ] Hey, alright, we’re doing okay! Now, if we could just get a waiter.. [ grabs a busboy ] Excuse me, Busboy? Could you introduce us to a waiter, please? I’m sure he must be a delightful individual, we’d love to meet him! Thank you!

Date: Jeff, please don’t make a scene..

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Well, I’m just trying to get food before.. [ looks at his watch ] Hey! Look at this watch!

Date: Jeff.. it’s yours.

Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ smiles ] Thank you!

Waiter: [ re-enters, and places the food on the table ] And here you are..

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, boy.. listen, you’re obviously new. I don’t know if you realize it or not, but you’ve just served food to people who have barely sat down! A menu would be nice for a start!

Waiter: [ disgusted ] I’m sorry, Sir, there’s no need to see a menu. We only serve one dish at this restaurant – Poached Salmon.

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Hey, Poached Salmon! I love it! [ startseating ]

Date: Jeff, have you ever seen anybody about your.. condition?

Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ grows uncomfortable as he chews ] There’s something in my mouth! There’s something in my mouth! [ spits out his Poached Salmon onto his napkin ] There was food in my mouth!

Date: It’s just your Poached Salmon!

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh. I love Poached Salmon! [ pierces the chewed food with his fork ]

Date: Don’t eat it!

Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ notices the chewed food in his napkin ] Wait a minute, I’m not going to eat this! This has already been in somebody’s mouth! Oh, this is a great restaurant! Serves already-been-chewed food!

Date: Just eat it, Jeff!

Mr. Short-Term Memory: No way!

Waiter: [ reappears ] Is there a problem?

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Yeah! Everything’s fine, except that youserved us two plates of half-eaten food!

Waiter: Really, Sir, I think that..

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Look, there’s no excuses! Just bring this back to whoever started it, and bring us some full portions! And where is our wine!

Date: Actually.. could you just bring us a bill, please? [ thewaiter exits ] I want you to take me home!

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Whoa, wait.. slow down, Blondie! I don’teven know your name!

Waiter: [ throws bill on the table ] Your bill, Sir!

Mr. Short-Term Memory: Bill?! For what?!

Date: Jeff, let’s just leave!

Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ pulls his wallet out of his jacket ] Hey! Somebody lost a wallet! And it’s loaded with cash! Somebody named.. Jeffrey Morrow.

Date: Jeff, that’s you!

Mr. Short-Term Memory: It is now!

[ his Date pulls him out of the restaurant, as the scene fades out ]

Jingle:
“He’ll win you yet
And then he’ll forget
That he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 1

88a: Tom Hanks / Keith Richards

Tom Hanks’ Monologue

…..Tom Hanks
…..Nora Dunn
….Phil Hartman
Stagehand…..Conan O’Brien
NBC Page…..Bob Odenkirk
…..Keith Richards
…..Dennis Miller

Tom Hanks: Thank you. Thank you very much, thank you! Boy, you people must be getting real sick of me by now! It’s unbelieveable.. I’m on TV all the time, there’s this kind of junk.. [ holds up Newsweek with his picture on the cover ] I’m glad my movies have met with some success, but, geez, the things these interviewers and reporters are going on and on about me being such a “nice” guy! It makes me feel sort of silly. I mean, lsiten to this, this one thing in here.. [ opens magazine ] ..”Look up Nice in the latest edition of Webster’s Dictionary, you’ll find a new definition – Tom Hanks.” No, you won’t! I looked it up, it’s not there! Nobody gets this kind of press, it’s embarrassing! Nobody can be that nice! I am just a regular guy, and here they are calling me the Nicest Guy in Hollywood. Well, if Im the nicest guy in Hollywood, you don’t want to go there, believe me! But if you do, if you want to come up, I’ve got a spare bedroom, you can stay for the whole week.. Listen, we have a really great show, we have Keith Richard with us!

[ band plays, as Tom exits offstage ]

[ Nora Dunn is crying while reading a scrapbook ]

Tom Hanks: Hey, what’s wrong, Nora? What’s the matter, didn’t you like my gift?

Nora Dunn: [ wiping her tears ] I did. It’s just.. it’s just so thoughtful.. I mean, you researched my whole family tree!

Tom Hanks: Oh, Nora, it was nothing! We were in Ireland, and I had a few extra days..

Nora Dunn: I know.. but you did all this calliography, and, I don’t know..

Tom Hanks: Oh, Nora, I just hope that you enjoy it. Listen, I’ve got to go in the contorl room and wish everybody good luck. Have a great show! [ walks off ]

Nora Dunn: He’s so nice! He’s so nice!

[ [Tom Enters backstage, where Phil Hartman is yelling at the control board operators ]

Phil Hartman: No, no, no! Listen, we’re on the air! The make-up is wrong, the wig doesn’t fit..!

Tom Hanks: Hey, hey, Phil? What do you mean the wig doesn’t look right? It looks great! The glasses fit, the wardrobe’s fantastic, I wouldn’t change a thing. Everything’s gonna be alright.

Phil Hartman: I’m sorry I was so mad. Now all I feel is a sense of perfect peace..

Tom Hanks: [ walks through the control room ] Hey, everybody, let’s have a great show, okay? Thanks for all your hard work! Audrey. Kiki. Linda. Tracy Sandy. Big Paul. Little Paul. Garland. Mike. Cubby. It’s great seeing everybody – here’s haveing a good show!

[ walks past a horse in the hall ]

Stagehand: Hey! Watch out, Mr. Hanks! This horse bites everyone!

Tom Hanks: [ pets horse on the nose ] Aw, no, he doesn’t. He’s a great horse! [ notices altercation in the hall ] Hey! NBC Page, what seems to be the problem?

NBC Page: Mr. Hanks, these people don’t have tickets!

Tom Hanks: Aw, gee, fellas.. you want to see the show? I’ll tell you what – my hotel room has a wide-screen TV. [ gives the Thugs the keys ] Why don’t you just go over to Suites 1404 and 1405. The key’s in the minibar, help yourself to some snacks.

Thug: Thanks. [ to NBC Page ] Hey, you wanna come to the party?

NBC Page: Sure!

[ they run down to the hall for the hotel suites ]

Tom Hanks: [ spots musical guest Keith Richards ] Oh, hey, Keith. Listen, we’ve got a problem. One of your horn players threw up in my dressing room. I think he’s got the flu. I think one of us should check up on him.

Keith Richards: [ removes sunglasses and smiles ] Thanks, man. [ walks away ]

Tom Hanks: Hey, Dennis! Hey! “Weekend Update” really killed in dress rehearsal.

Dennis Miller: Thanks, Tito. You know, I like your monologue, too.

Tom Hanks: Thanks. You didn’t think I came off as arrogant, or maybe too cocky?

Dennis Miller: No, not at all. You know, I was a little surprised, though, that you didn’t thank the audience for coming.

Tom Hanks: Well, I hope this doesn’t anger you, Dennis, but Idid thank the audience for coming.

Dennis Miller: No. I was watching, I don’t think you did. Don’t worry about it, it’s not important!

[ close-up reveals a stunned expression on Tom’s face ]

Tom Hanks: Dennis, would you excuse me for just a minute?

Dennis Miller: Sure.

Tom Hanks: [ runs back to Home Base ] I’m sorry, folks, but I forgot something really important. Thank you all for coming, each and every one of you. We’ll be right back! Thank you, we’ve got a great show! [ points amongst the audience ] Now, thank you, Colin.. uh, that’s your wife, Elizabeth, I believe, sorry.. Uh.. Dorothy, your husband Al, thank you for coming.. Lily.. thank you for coming, too..!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 1

88a: Tom Hanks / Keith Richards

Jew, Not a Jew

Bob Tompkins…..Tom Hanks
Greg Knutsen…..Kevin Nealon
Deborah Knutsen…..Victoria Jackson
Ted Johnson…..Phil Hartman
Mrs. Johnson…..Jan Hooks
“You Make The Call” announcer (voice)…..Al Franken

[ Title graphics and fanfare music ]

Announcer: It’s time for the game that all Americans love to play: “Jew, Not a Jew”! And here’s your host, Bob Thompkins!

[ Bob comes out ]

Bob Thompkins: Thank you! Thank you, thank you, Don, thank you, everybody! Welcome to “Jew, Not a Jew”! Okay, let’s say hi to our champions, the Knutsens! [ walks over to them ] Greg Knutsen — what kind of name is that?

Greg Knutsen: That’s Swedish, Bob. My father’s Swedish Lutheran.

Bob Thompkins: Well gee, I thought all Swedes were blonde.

Greg Knutsen: My mom’s Irish Catholic. Yeah.

Bob Thompkins: That’s very interesting. Debra, delightful to see you again!

Debra Knutsen: Great to be back, Bob!

Bob Thompkins: Debra, what was your maiden name?

Debra Knutsen: Rochez. It’s French Huguenot. It’s pretty hardcore Protestant.

Bob Thompkins: So, we got ourselves a real mishmash here, don’t we? Okay, now let’s go over and meet our challengers, the Johnsons! [ walks over to them, chuckling ] Ted, you hail from Oregon and are …?

Ted Johnson: Bob, we’re both WASPs.

Bob Thompkins: All right, all right, Johnsons! And now, let’s play, “Jew, Not a Jew”!

[ the fanfare music plays as the title card is pulled away to reveal a green screen ]

Bob Thompkins: All right, hands on buzzers, everybody, hands on buzzers.

[ The couples take their positions. Bob stands next to the green screen as an image of Penny Marshall is displayed ]

Bob Thompkins: [ reading from a card ] Star of ABC’s long-running hit, Laverne and Shirley, she directed the summer blockbuster, Big. Penny Marshall: Jew, or not a Jew?

[ The Knutsens press the buzzer ]

Bob Thompkins: Knutsens! Penny Marshall, Jew or not a Jew?

Greg Knutsen: [ softly conversing with Debra ] I think she’s from Brooklyn somewhere — I’m n–

Debra Knutsen: Okay, okay, we’re gonna go with Jew, Bob!

[ SFX: BZZZZZZZ! ]

Bob Thompkins: Ohhh! No, I’m sorry, Penny Marshall was born Penelope Mashirelli, she is an Italian Catholic. Italian … Catholic. Now, let’s take a minute to review the rules for “Jew, Not a Jew”! According to Jewish law, anyone whose mother is a Jew, is a Jew, so if an individual’s father is a Gentile, and his mother is Jewish, that person is considered a Jew. However, reverse the bloodlines, and that person is NOT a Jew! But, for the purposes of our game, anyone with any Jewish lineage at all … will be considered … a Jew. Okay, now let’s get back to our games! Hands on the buzzers now! Hands on the buzzers!

[ The couples take their positions. Bob stands next to the green screen as an image of Michael Landon is displayed. ]

Bob Thompkins: [ reading from a card ] Star of Highway to Heaven. He was Charles Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie, and Little Joe on Bonanza. Writer/producer/star Michael Landon: Jew, or not a Jew?

[ The Johnsons press the buzzer ]

Bob Thompkins: Oh, Johnsons! Michael Landon: Jew, not a Jew?

Ted Johnson: [ softly conversing with Mrs. Johnson ] Oh boy, I heard somewhere he’s Jewish.

Mrs. Johnson: Are you sure?

Ted Johnson: Uh, yeah, when he was doing Bonanza, I read it —

Mrs. Johnson: Uh — you mean Lorne Greene?

Ted Johnson: No, no, I think he’s Jewish. Really.

Mrs. Johnson: We’re gonna say … Jew, Bob.

[ SFX: ding ding ding ding! ]

Bob Thompkins: That’s right! That’s right!

Mrs. Johnson: [ squeals ]

[ The Johnsons hug each other while jumping for joy ]

Bob Thompkins: He was born Eugene Horowitz in Brooklyn, New York! Michael Landon is Jewish! Good, Johnsons! Ten points! Ten points. Okay, let’s continue, hands on buzzers. [ a picture of Ed Koch is shown as Bob reads from another card ] Mayor of New York … [ Greg Knutsen presses the buzzer ] Yes, yes, yes?

Greg Knutsen: He’s a Jew, Bob!

[ SFX: ding ding ding ding! ]

Bob Thompkins: Yes! That’s right, Ed Koch is a Jew! Ten points, Knutsens! All right! Oh — we gotta take a time out! We’ll be right back after this word.

[ Fade to a blue/black gradient screen with text as marching band music plays ]

“You Make The Call” announcer: Feldman’s Kosher Pickles presents: You Make the Call.

[ Film clips of a baseball game are shown ]

“You Make The Call” announcer: The 1965 World Series. Sandy Koufax leads the Los Angeles Dodgers into the seventh game against the Minnesota Twins. Koufax shuts out the Twins, yielding just three hits and striking out ten. Now, you make the call. Sandy Koufax: Jew, or not a Jew?

[ cut to a sponsor screen ]

“You Make The Call” announcer: “Jew, Not a Jew” is brought to you by Feldman’s Kosher Pickles. You don’t have to be Jewish to like Feldman’s, but it helps.

[ cut to another World Series film clip ]

“You Make The Call” announcer: If you said Sandy Koufax was a Jew, you made the right call. Sandy Koufax: baseball great, Jew.

[ Fade back to the set of “Jew, Not a Jew” ]

Bob Thompkins: Hey, we’re all out of time! That’s it for today! Tune in tomorrow, and we’ll take a look at — [ pictures of each are shown ] Bruce Springsteen, Goldie Hawn, Jose Ferrer, and Caspar Weinberger on “Jew, Not a Jew”! Bye-bye, everybody!

[ Bob shakes hands with the contestants. Fade out ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 1

88a: Tom Hanks / Keith Richards

Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

Hans…..Dana Carvey
Franz…..Kevin Nealon

Announcer: Good evening, and welcome again to “Hans & Franz”, the informative training program for the serious weighlifter.

Together: Welcome! We’re back!

Franz: That’s right.

Hans: Alright. Once again, I am Hans..

Hans: And I am Franz..

Together: And we want to.. [ clap their hands ] ..pump you up!

Hans: Alright, tonight ve vould like to begin the program by clearing the air.

Franz: Ya, unfortunately, ve have to vaste valuable time talking about a nasty issue.

Together: Steroids!

Franz: You know, ve ourselves have even come under attack for using them.

Hans: Ya, but they are sadly mistaken, my friend. Because we are just like yogurt – all natural, no chemicals.

Franz: Ya, ya. But there is no fruit at the bottom of us, only muscle. That’s right! And not just at the bottom but throughout, as if we were pre-stirred muscle yogurt.

Hans: Ya, that’s right! Here’s something you won’t see in the dairy case of your local supermarket.

[ they flex their muscles ]

Franz: Listen to me now, and believe me later! You know, they are just jealous because they are losers, and they can’t understand how we can be so pumped up with our washboard stomachs. You know, when they only have Sears frontloaders.

Hans: Ya! And, believe me, you know, we could go to the dry cleaner’s and just as easily pick up our clean laundry without a claim check!

Franz: Alright, Hans, do not talk.

Hans: We’re not here to talk.

Together: We’re here to.. [ clap their hands ] ..pump you up!

Franz: But, you know, we can’t do that yet! We must first clear the air. You know, the most unbelievable thing about the Olympics was the whole diving competition!

Hans: Ya, you know, they gave Greg Stuganis two gold medals just for making a puny splash.

Franz: Ya, they called him couragous, ’cause he hit his head on the board and got right back up to dive again with stitches!

Together: Oo-oo-oo-hhh!

Hans: What a hero.

Franz: What a man.

Hans: Ya, hear me now, and think about it sometime and play it again and again on your VCR. You know, if Franz and I ever hit our head on the board, the people would look up and say, “Where is the board?”

Franz: Ya! It would be toothpicks! Listen, Mr. Stuganis, we could very easily grab you by your G-string and wind it so tightly that when it snapps, your buttock muscles will go flying around the room like a balloon!

Hans: That’s right, and we would just laugh, because our degree of difficulty would be 0.0!

Franz: Listen, another thing, Mr. “Tan Light Man”, I can very easily see us getting a slow-motion salute from the Olympic committee, in recognition of our excellence!

Hans: That’s right! You’d better get used to it, Mr. Stuganis, because it’s going to look something..

[ they clap ]

Together: ..like this!

[ a montage of Hans & Franz flexing their muscles and training is played ]

Announcer: And now, an up-close and personal look at Hans & Franz. Ya, ze Olympic Committee would like to salute Hans & Franz, and you know, if they were ever in the Olympic, they would win all the gold. Sank you, Hans & Franz.

[ montage ends ]

Hans: Take that! Take that, Mr. Stuganis!

Franz: Ya, and take this:

Together: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday..” [ they clap ] “..Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 1

88a: Tom Hanks / Keith Richards

Girl-Watchers A Go-Go II

Girl Watcher #1…..Tom Hanks
Girl Watcher #2…..Jon Lovitz
Andy…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on the Girl Watchers standing in the hall during their 10th YearClass Reunion – a woman walks past ]

Girl Watcher #1: Oh, yeah!

Girl Watcher #2: Yes, indeed!

Girl Watcher #1: 10th Year Reunion, a babe opportunity I’ve long awaited!

Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yes.. 106 ladies in their prime, and we’ve got a ringside seat!

Girl Watcher #1: You know it, my friend! The entrance to the ladies room is a perfect base of op-er-ation!

Girl Watcher #2: Well, well! [ points at woman approaching ]

Girl Watcher #1: Need I say more? Hel-lo! [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] ..and goodbye.

Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yes.

Girl Watcher #1: She saw nothingof value in me!

Girl Watcher #2: Just like old times!

[ they high-five ]

Girl Watcher #1: Yes, we were almost as unpopular then as we are now!

Girl Watcher #2: I hear you. Only now, we’re older and uglier.

Girl Watcher #1: Yes, I seem to remember I was quite thenon-entity!

Girl Watcher #2: And I was a pretty fair social leper myself!

Girl Watcher #1: [ spots woman walking out of the ladies room ] Your attention, please!

Girl Watcher #2: Bonjour!

[ she keeps walking ]

Girl Watcher #1: Oh, yeah!

Girl Watcher #2: Didn’t even break stride!

Girl Watcher #1: Her standards are not low enough.

Girl Watcher #2: No way. [ they high-five ] She caught the shine on my forehead, and just kept on truckin’.

Girl Watcher #1: I was there all along, backing you up with mybig ol’ head!

Girl Watcher #2: Mmm-hmm.

Together: [ spotting another woman ] Whoa!

Girl Watcher #1: It’s Tracy Moore, the first girl ever to turn me down.
Girl Watcher #2: You never forget your first.

Girl Watcher #1: Yeah! I’ll bet my life she doesn’t remember us.

Girl Watcher #2: I’ll see your life, and raise you my eternal soul!

Girl Watcher #1: O-kay! [ woman approaches them ] Howdy-do! [ she keeps walking ] ..and Howdy-don’t!

Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yeah

Girl Watcher #1: I still haven’t got it!

Girl Watcher #2: Me, neither. Mmm-mmm.. [ spots anotherwoman ] Yow! Jessica Chase!

Girl Watcher #1: A girl I’ve never even spoken to.

Girl Watcher #2: She’s a practicing lawyer, and we’re still living at home.

Girl Watcher #1: I don’t like our chances.

Girl Watcher #2: [ as she walks past ] It’s been a while.. [ she keeps walking ] ..and it’ll be a while.

Girl Watcher #1: Our bodies are starting to deteriorate, and it’s only going to get worse.

Girl Watcher #2: Down we go!

[ they low-five ]

Andy: [ walking up, with a woman by his side ] Hey, fellas.

Girl Watcher #2: Hey, Andy!

Girl Watcher #1: Andy!

Girl Watcher #2: Where’d you get the girl?

Andy: Whoa, down, gentlemen! No cause for celebration. In addition to her bad looks, she’s hard of hearing, emotionally unstable, and not the clean one.

Girl Watcher #1: Does she have a sister?

Andy: Trust me, fellas, there’s no reason for envy.

Girl Watcher #2: No matter. You’re still the luckiest guy we know, who’ll talk to us.

[ Andy walks off ]

Girl Watcher #1: Oh, yes. We’ve sunk pretty far. And our descent continues. How I dread our future.

Girl Watcher #2: Mmm-hmm.

[ a woman walks up ]

Girl Watcher #1: Buenos dias!

[ she keeps walking ]

Together: ..and Buenos noches!

[ they high-five once more ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts