Category:

I Play The Maids

…..Lorne Michaels
…..Danitra Vance

[ open in Danitra Vance’s dressing room, Danitra’s reflection seen close-up in her mirror, the dressing room dor visible in the background of the mirror ]

Lorne Michaels: [ poking head hrough the open door ] Danitra, five minutes until the “Gone With The Wind” sketch.

Danitra Vance: [ singing ]
“I’ve been alive for a long time,
And I played the very first maid.
I cooked the buns,
Nurse the chillings,
Did the house work.
I didn’t care if I got paid.

I played the maid who made the whole world laugh.
I played the maid who sewed Ms. Scarlet’s drapery dress.
I played the maid who helped Mae West get Cary Grant.
I play the maids I played the ma-a-id,
zip-id-dee-do-da.

Fine Hollywood tradition,
I gave advice on what to do.
But now I have a more modern position.
I play the maids in prime-time, too.

I played the maid who has a hearty laugh.
I played the maid who’s pale-faced daughter tried to pass.
I was the maid who taught Shirley Temple how to dance.
I play the maids, I play the maids.
I am merry, and I play the maids.”

Lorne Michaels: [ poking his head back through the open door ] Five minutes, Danitra. Five minutes.

Thanks to Michael Cauley of SNL Song Transcriptsfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 14

85n: Oprah Winfrey / Joe Jackson

Beat Her!

…..Oprah Winfrey
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Danitra Vance

INT. STUDIO 8H – HALLWAY – NIGHT

[ LORNE MICHAELS stands outside a dressing room door with a star on it. Below the star, a placard reads 8H7 with the name OPRAH WINFREY. Lorne knocks on the door. ]

Lorne Michaels: Oprah…

[ The door opens. Oprah walks through. ]

Oprah Winfrey: Yes, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: They told me in wardrobe you haven’t tried on your Aunt Jemima costume.

Oprah Winfrey: That’s right.

Lorne Michaels: Well… don’t you think you should try it on soon? It’s your first sketch.

Oprah Winfrey: I’m not doing it.

Lorne Michaels: Really? I think it’s a very, very funny sketch.

[ Oprah places her hands on her hips. ]

Oprah Winfrey: Like I said, I don’t do Aunt Jemima. And furthermore, I’m not doing the maid sketch. I’m not doing the Br’er Rabbit sketch. And you can just forget about me in the refrigerator repair sketch.

[ Oprah turns back to her dressing room and slams the door. ]

Lorne Michaels: Oprah! Gee…

[ DANITRA VANCE ambles in, dressed as Celie from The Color Purple, carrying a silver tray with a silver coffee pot and a single porcelain cup. ]

Danitra Vance: Here’s your coffee you wanted, Mr. Lorne.

[ Lorne takes the cup. ]

Lorne Michaels: Thanks, Danitra.

[ Lorne takes a sip. ]

Lorne Michaels: Danitra, you’re black?

Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne.

[ Lorne takes a moment. ]

Lorne Michaels: Maybe you could help me out?

Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: For some reason, Oprah won’t do anything I say.

Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: Danitra, what do you think I should do?

[ Danitra bites her lower lip and ponders for a moment. ]

Danitra Vance: Beat her!

[ Lorne gives a slight head nod and places the cup back on the tray. Danitra exits. ]

Lorne Michaels: Oprah, open the door!

[ The door flies open. Oprah stands in the frame. ]

Lorne Michaels: Oprah, you’re going to do the sketch or so help me…

[ Oprah slugs Lorne in the face then chokes him in a headlock. ]

Oprah Winfrey: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 12th, 1986

Oprah Winfrey

Joe Jackson

Penn & Teller

Beat Her!

Oprah Winfrey’s Monologue

Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

Lookin’ At America Through John Cougar-Mellencamp’s Eyes

The Pat Stevens Show

Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

Cabrini Green & Mom

Recurring Characters: Cabrini Green.

Joe Jackson performs “Right & Wrong”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

The Wart Hog

“I Play The Maids”

Actors on Film

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Chance, Ashley Ashley.

Craig Sundberg, Idiot Savant

The Cute Shop

Joe Jackson performs “Soul Kiss”

One-Shoe Emma

SNL Transcripts

George Wendt’s Monologue

…..George Wendt
…..Francis Ford Coppola
…..Terry Sweeney

George Wendt: Thank you. I have to say, this has really been a hectic week for me, quite a contrast from the last few months, you know, when I’ve basically just been sitting around on a bar stool drinking beer all day. Then, of course, before that, I was working very hard on “Cheers”..

Francis Ford Coppola: [ offstage ] Alright – cut! Great!

George Wendt: Why are we stopping now?

Francis Ford Coppola: Oh, don’t worry, George – you were great! But I just want to get one more take, you know, just to be sure?

George Wendt: Well.. that’s kind of a joke, Francis.. I don’t know if they’re gonna laugh again..

Francis Ford Coppola: Don’t worry about it. You stand by. [ turns to the audience ] Folks.. alright, folks, if I could have your attention, please? What we’re trying to do here is create the illusion that the Host, played by George, is going to tell you a joke. George, what’s the funny part?

George Wendt: Uh.. I guess it would be towards the end, Francis.. you know.. I guess that part where I say I’ve been drinking, in a bar.. and the audience thinks, of course, that it was “Cheers”, but I reveal that it wasn’t.. you know, that’s probably the funny part there.

Francis Ford Coppola: Right.. right.. [ to the audience ] So, when he says that, what I want you to do, is, I want you to react by laughing. If you don’t feel like laughing, I want you to go back and remember something from your childhood. It’s called Sense Memory. You remember something that was funny, and then, and then you’ll laugh at the right point. Okay? Okay.. standby, here we go.. ready?

George Wendt: Boy, what a hectic week this has been, you know..? [ audience starts laughing wildly ] Quite a contrast, actually, from the past few months, where, basically, I’ve been sitting around on a bar stool drinking beer all day. [ audience aplauds wildly; George chuckles ] And then, before that, I was working on “Cheers”! [ the punchline dropped, the audience laughs and applauds wildly ] You know.. I’ve been told that “Cheers” is the sitcom for people who don’t really like to watch sitcoms, and I have to believe it’s true, you know? Because, one day, I was at this party, and this guy walked up to me, and – distinguished looking guy, I swear he looked like a brain surgeon, he had the horn-rimmed glasses, salt-and-pepper beard and everything – and he says to me..

Francis Ford Coppola: Alright – cut, cut! That’s wonderful, George!

George Wendt: Wait a minute.. you really want to cut in there? I worked really hard on this monologue..

Francis Ford Coppola: Well, it shows! You did great!

George Wendt: Well.. okay. Alright. Thanks. You’re sure?

Francis Ford Coppola: Don’t worry about it, we’re gonna fix it in the editing.

George Wendt: Great.

Francis Ford Coppola: Go to your room and work on the next scene.

George Wendt: Alright. [ walks offstage ]

Terry Sweeney: Hi, Francis! I’m actor/writer Terry Sweeney.

Francis Ford Coppola: Oh, hi, Terry, how are you?

Terry Sweeney: Fine. Listen.. pardon me for asking, but.. there’s a rumor around that says you’re the boss of the show now.

Francis Ford Coppola: Yeah, I’m directing this show now.

Terry Sweeney: Thank God! Finally, someone who knows what he’s doing! You’ve got to save this sinking ship! Can you do it?

Francis Ford Coppola: [ motions to be taken away from Terry ] Yeah.. thanks a lot, Terry.. I’ve got to move on..

Terry Sweeney: Well, I’ll be here! I’ll be your right hand..!

[ Francis dollies off, as the scene dissolves to the next sketch ]

SNL Transcripts

The Honeymooners: The Lost Episodes

Ralph Kramden…..George Wendt
Alice Kramden…..Nora Dunn
Ed Norton…..Anthony Michael Hall

[ open on Alice in the kitchen, as Ralph attempts to come through the front door ]

[ Alice goes to open the door, for Ralph, but he enters the room from behind a side wall of the set ]

Ralph Kramden: Alice, I’m home! [ laughing ] I was hiding in the bedroom the whole time! Honey, where’s my eats – I’m going bowling tonight!

Alice Kramden: Here you go, Ralph. [ places a small container in front of him ]

Ralph Kramden: What’s this?

Alice Kramden: Tuna fish.

Ralph Kramden: Tuna fish?

Alice Kramden: Well, my mambo lesson ran late, I didn’t have time to fix you a hot dinner.

Ralph Kramden: Mambo lessons? Mambo lessons?! All day long, I’ve been driving up and down Madison Avenue in that bus, when I come home I can’t have a hot supper because you’re taking mambo lessons?!

[ a knock at the door ]

Alice Kramden: Get the door, Ralph.

[ Ralph answers the door, letting Ed Norton enter ]

Ed Norton: Hey, what you say there, Ralphie boy? [ sets up a turntable near the front door ] I think I’ve got this thing figured out, Alice! [ puts a mambo record on, as he and Alice practice their dance moves ]

Ralph Kramden: Will you come on with that?! [ hits Norton, who stumbles into the record player ] This is too much! This time you’ve pushed me too far!

Alice Kramden: Oh, Ralph.. the only way I can push you is if I had a bulldozer.

Ralph Kramden: You’re a riot, Alice.. you’re a regular riot. One of these days, Alice, I’m telling you.. one of these days!

Alice Kramden: One of these days, what, Ralph? Your gut’s gonna hang over the top of your shoes?

Ralph Kramden: [ grumbles ] Bang, zoom – to the moon, Alice! to the moon!

Alice Kramden: Ha ha, hardy ha ha! You know, you’ve been saying that for years, Ralph. You’re all talk and no action! You’re just a big windbag!

Ralph Kramden: [ peeved once and for all, Ralph finally smacks Alice right in the jaw, knocking her to the floor ]

Ed Norton: Hey, Ralph? I never actually saw you connect before, Ralph!

Ralph Kramden: Get out!

Ed Norton: She went down like a sack of potatoes, huh?

Ralph Kramden: Get outta here, you!

Ed Norton: [ opens the door to leave ] Hey, Ralph, let me ask you one more question – was it uppercut, or across?

Ralph Kramden: Would you get out of here?! [ throws Norton out ]

Alice Kramden: [ comes to, rises slowly from the floor ]

Ralph Kramden: Honey, uh.. I’m awfully sorry.. [ pulls Alice up ] I don’t know why you put up with me, baby.. I know I never buy you anything, and I never take you anywhere.. I know we only have sex about once a year.. honey, could you forgive me? Please?

Alice Kramden: Oh, Ralph..

Ralph Kramden: Baby, you’re the greatest!

[ they kiss, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

That Black Girl

Latoya Marie…..Danitra Vance
…..Francis Ford Coppola
…..Terry Sweeney

[ “That Black Girl” opening montage ]

[ open on That Black Girl, LaToya Marie, sitting on the couch in her posh apartment ]

LaToya Marie: Listen! [ giggles ] I just want you to be the first to know that.. um.. guess who’s gonna be the new Sparkledent girl! No, not the girl in the red! Me! LaToya Marie! Yeah! [ giggles ] Okay! I love you, too! Don’t forget to tell Mom! That I’m the new Sparkledent girl! God! [ giggles ] Bye! [ hangs up phone, as doorbell rings ] Who could that be? I’m not expecting anyone! [ bounces toward the door and opens it, grabbing an anonymous bouquet of flowers left for her ] Flowers! For moi? It must be from Donald, I can’t imagine who would stand them by the door..!

[ Francis Ford Coppola and Terry Sweeney enter the scene to interrupt ]

Francis Ford Coppola: Could you hold it for a second?

Terry Sweeney: Hold everything!!

Francis Ford Coppola: There’s something wrong.. wait a second.. I want set design in here, please?

Terry Sweeney: Set Design!!

Set Design: [ enters ] Is there a problem here?

Francis Ford Coppola: Yeah.. I want more squallor. I want more squallor. Run it down, I want more grit..

Terry Sweeney: It doesn’t look like anything!

Francis Ford Coppola: I don’t want to change anything, but everything’s wrong! It looks like moving reality, it doesn’t look like real reality. I want grit!

[ Set Design reassembles the set, as Francis pulls Danitra Vance in front of the set ]

Uh.. I want more, more.. I would like you to look at, into the, uh.. you’re not really like a black girl to me. You know? I don’t believe that you’re a real black woman. The scene doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the black experience, don’t you agree?

Danitra Vance: Uh.. I guess so..

Francis Ford Coppola: Can I see the writers?

Terry Sweeney: Writers, get in here!!

[ a trio of white, preppy, pipe-smoking writers enter ]

Francis Ford Coppola: Why aren’t there any black women writers on this show? I mean, do any of you really know the subject of this scene, you know, what it is to be black? To feel black? Well, the scene isn’t right. Come on, I’ll habdle this.

Terry Sweeney: [ to the writers ] Why do you write so poorly? Just a question.

[ the writers exit ]

Francis Ford Coppola: Danitra.. I want an unemployed, shunned, segregated, undereducated, maddened, oppressed black woman. Let the comedy come out of that! I don’t want That Black Girl, I want That Black Girl, okay? You can do it! Give it in! Go ahead!

Danitra Vance: I’ll try!

Francis Ford Coppola: Okay.

[ the scene starts again, the posh apartment having been rearranged into a ghetto slum. LaToya Marie sits on an old mattress as her phone rings. ]

LaToya Marie: [ picks up phone ] Thank you. [ hangs up, throws the phone across the room ] Ohh.. they want me to be the new Sparkledent girl. My big break. Big deal! They don’t know me. They don’t know the real me. This isn’t me! [ pulls off her wig ] I turn myself inside out to please them! But I’ve pleased them.. and I’ve lost me! I’ll finally be out of poverty, but I’m already out of.. integrity! I am somebody! I am somebody else! Smile, honey..

[ dissolve to ending “That Black Girl” montage ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
March 22nd, 1986

George Wendt

Francis Ford Coppola

Philip Glass

Penn & Teller

Directed By Francis Ford Coppola

George Wendt’s Monologue

The Honeymooners, The Lost Episodes

Commercial-Free

Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

Mystery Playhouse

Philip Glass performs “Lightning”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

That Black Girl

Recurring Characters: LaToya Marie.

Fish Market Whale

Sketch Review

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Chance, Ashley Ashley.

Ghost of Master Thespian

Recurring Characters: Master Thespian.

Vietnam Sketch

Philip Glass performs “Rubric”

Suitcase Confrontational

The Grand Finale

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 12

85l: Griffin Dunne / Rosanne Cash

Bad Seed

Announcer…..Don Pardo
Nancy Reagan…..Terry Sweeney

[Open on Nancy Reagan reading a book on a grayish-white chair next to a vase of pink and white flowers and a huge fireplace in a study room. The super, “A Public Service Announcement” appears at the bottom of the screen]

Announcer: The following is a public service announcement paid for by Friends of the First Lady.

[“A Public Service Announcement” super fades]

[Nancy continues reading as the camera slowly zooms in on her. Nancy then lifts her head up, closes the book, and addresses the camera]

Nancy Reagan: Hello, I’m Nancy Reagan, and this is a copy of my daughter Patti’s new book, Home Front [shows copy of book she was reading in the first few seconds of the PSA], which has been called a very revealing, behind-the-scenes look at the life of an idealistic [in the middle of Nancy’s sentence, a man in a blue, button-down shirt walks in front of the camera] young girl, rebelling against her narrow-minded, tyrannical parents…who just coincidentally happen to be the governor and First Lady of California…and who later end up…in the White House. Unfortunately, it’s written in the first person, which gives this book an autobiographical feel that makes this kind of trashy fiction [slightly chuckles to conceal her rage]: seem almost real. Why, there’s even ugly talk that the wife in the book, a repressed, cold, scheming manipulator, is based on—well, if you can believe this—me. [smiles]

That’s why I’m here tonight to set the record straight. There is nothing in this book that remotely resembles [voice trembles]: our real life. For example, on page 156 [opens book to page 156], when she took her poor mother to that modern art gallery, with the six-foot…phallic symbol painted Day-Glo colors. [closes book. Her sanity begins to waver as she delivers the next line]: Sometimes, at night, I close my eyes-and it’s there. [breathlessly]: Watching me, waiting for me, calling my name! [sobs, tears offending page out of Home Front, and rips it to shreds]: Oh, I hate that page! [sobs as she throws the torn pieces onto the floor, then composes herself]: I mean, I can imagine how the woman in the book must have felt.

Well, anyway, to make a long story short, I’ve decided to write a book of my own. It’s about a mother and a daughter, told from the mother’s point of view. I call it, Bad Seed, [holds up copy of novel Bad Seed with cover that credits Nancy Reagan and Stephen King as authors]: and I’ve chosen as my co-writer, Stephen King. [cheerfully]: It’s the story of a gracious, upbeat, attractive former actress turned First Lady [tone of voice turns less cheerful]: who is terrorized by an ungrateful, loudmouthed, slovenly daughter who is possessed by the Devil. [bitterly]: Despite having every advantage known to man, she turns into a raving hippie who refuses to put even one lousy curler in that long, brown, stringy hair of hers [holds up Home Front to reveal the back of the book where Patti Davis’s picture is. Nancy’s voice continues to waver with bitterness as she describes the rest of the book]: or wear even one of the tasteful, ladylike outfits her mother takes her valuable time to send her [growls]: every Christmas!

[puts Home Front down and calms herself]: My book, like my daughter, Patti’s, is purely fiction. [smiles]: Thank you.

[cheers and applause as we fade out]

Submitted by: Candy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 12


Song appears
on the album:

85l: Griffin Dunne / Rosanne Cash

Rosanne Cash performs “I Don’t Know Why You Don’t Want Me”

…..Griffin Dunne
…..Rosanne Cash

Griffin Dunne: Once again – Rosanne Cash!

Rosanne Cash:
“It’s the right time you know I feel fine tonight (I don’t why you don’t want me)
It’s the right place I’ve got my new face tonight (I don’t why you don’t want me)
I’m in the right mind I’ve got my new shoes tonight (I don’t why you don’t want me)
I’ve got a new dress I couldn’t care less tonight (I don’t why you don’t want me)

Somebody told me I was so cold and mean (who was that talking)
Somebody wants you and don’t want me in between (she better start walkin’)
Somebody hurt you but baby she wasn’t me
We’ll find a new name for such a old game tonight (I don’t why you don’t want me)
I’ll show you how long that I can go on tonight (I don’t why you don’t want me)
I don’t know why you don’t want me

Just when I think that I can make it without you
You come round and say you want me now
You tell me don’t leave and I want to believe you
Why can’t you see just how much I need you

Somebody told me I was so cold and mean (who was that talking)
Somebody wants you and don’t want me in between (she better start walkin’)
Somebody hurt you but baby she wasn’t me

It’s the last chance for a romance tonight (I don’t why you don’t want me)
There’ll be no next time if you won’t be mine tonight (I don’t why you don’t want me)
I don’t know why you don’t want me.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 12

85l: Griffin Dunne / Rosanne Cash

Griffin Dunne’s Monologue

…..Griffin Dunne

[PAN back on the Saturday Night Band playing the theme song on the open stage.]

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Griffin Dunne!

[Audience cheers as Dunne makes his way to home base under the marquee and the band winds up the theme.]

Griffin: Thank you! Thank you! Whoooaaa, what a week this has been. It’s been everything you would imagine, the pace, the pressure, the pals, the laughs… the tension, the shortness of breath. But you know, all week, I’ve really been worried mostly about this moment, just standing in front of a live audience. I thought I would be… terrified. But I’m not, really. I mean, I’m actually quite, uh… I dunno, serene? It’s like…

[He runs a hand through his hair, and a clump of it comes out. Audience laughs as he stares at the clump and then looks down sheepishly.]

Griffin: [claps hands] And that’s important, too, because… if I’M having fun up here, YOU’RE gonna be having fun up here, and that’s what Lorne told me to say. So… you know… it’s really a good look. [awkward pause] Anyway, we’ve got a terrific show tonight. Penn and Teller will be out here.

[cheers and applause]

Griffin: Rosanne Cash!

[cheers and applause]

Griffin: Is it hot in here, or is it just me? I, I don’t know…

[He unshoulders his navy blue jacket to reveal a blue striped shirt which is soaked below the underarms all the way down almost to his waist. The band hits a cymbal as he tosses the jacket away.]

Griffin: [swinging his arms] Now… all these great people really make me very confident… to do my monologue now. Well, it’s not really a monologue, really, it’s a sort of special talent I have. In fact, I think it’s because of this talent that I was asked to host the show. As far as I know, I am the only person in the world who can play the drum solo from the classic Safaris tune “Wipeout”… ONE-handed. That’s right, one-handed. [gestures offstage] C’mere.

[While the band strikes up “Wipeout,” Anthony Michael Hall and Terry Sweeney trot onstage carrying a surfboard between them. Griffin does a few toe-touches behind the board as the band changes keys in the middle of the first verse. When it’s time for the drum solo, Griffin steps up to the surfboard, bites his lip hard, and slaps the beat on it with his right hand. He punches the air in time with the guitars, and when the solo ends, he jumps back and jogs in place, clearly pumped. Audience cheers as the band plays toward the next drum solo, and Griffin loosens up his hand until it’s time. He plays a second solo in time with the song, bugging out his eyes and biting his lip intensely. When the solo is over, he leaps back again and throws up his hands victoriously while the audience cheers.]

Griffin: THANK YOU! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK!

[CUT to the band and ZOOM in on them in the balcony while Hall and Sweeney stand up with the surfboard.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts