Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 12

85l: Griffin Dunne / Rosanne Cash

The Liar

Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz

[FADE IN on a glass window which sports the transparent “N” and superimposed nine-feather peacock of the NBC logo from the mid-1980’s. A second later, Tommy Flanagan steps into the shot, in a gray suit and a skinny dark tie, with his hair slicked back.]

Tommy: Hello, I’m Tommy Flanagan, and I’m a member of Pathological Liars Anonymous!

[cheers and applause]

Tommy: I’m also the official spokesman for NBC! Yeah, that’s it. Ehhhh, who am I kiddin’? I’m the OWNER of NBC. [laughter] And I’ve been asked to clear some of those ug–eh, beautiful rumors about Saturday Night Live. Now, as you know, the ratings have been… eh, eh, ASTRONOMICAL… through the roof! Why, better than the World Ser–the sim–”The Cosby Show”! Yeah! Yeah! That’s it! We’re neck-and-neck with “The Cosby Show,” and last week we PULLED AHEAD, yeah, that’s the ticket! They had a 54 share, yeah, and we had a nine… -ty-NINE share! And that was a RERUN! In fact, we weren’t even ON that night! Yeah, that’s the ticket.

[He stares suavely at the lens while the audience laughs.]

Tommy: And the reviews, why they’ve all been… ehh, ehh… and we’re neck-and-neck with “The Cosby Show”! We were a little worried at first because we had a new cast. [laughter] But everyone loves it! Why, just last–eh, eh… yesterday… we got nominated… for an Aca–an O–a… YEAH.

[laughter]

Tommy: And then there’s the reviews! Why, they’ve all been… ehh… and we have a new CAST! Yeah! Yeah! Neck-and-neck with “The Cosby Show”! Yeah, that’s it. And the show’s making more stars than ever before! Why, even our first host was a total unknown… Madonna. And now look at her! Why, she’s the toast of the town. But finally, let’s talk about those reviews. To be perfectly honest, they’ve all been, uh… [pauses] LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 12

85l: Griffin Dunne / Rosanne Cash

Goodnights

…..Griffin Dunne

Griffin Dunne: Good night, everybody!

[ pull out on the cast waving. Teller continues to hold up the “AMEN!” sign he was holding earlier. ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 12


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 15th, 1986

Griffin Dunne

Rosanne Cash

Penn & Teller
A Message From Tommy FlanaganSummary: Pathological Liar Tommy Flanagan (Jon Lovitz) comments on SNL’s recent rash of bad ratings, insisting that it’s in the same league as “The Cosby Show.”

Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

Transcript

Montage

Griffin Dunne’s MonologueSummary: A nervous Gruffin Dunne experiences hair loss and sweaty underarms before amazing the audience with his ability to play the drum solo from “Wipeout” with one hand.

Bio: The son of writer Dominick Dunne, Griffin Dunne (1955-) starred in a pair of cult films during the 1980’s – “An American Werewolf in London” and “After Hours”, released a few months prior to his SNL hosting.

Transcript

Double R & SonSummary: Rudy Randolph, Jr. (Randy Quaid) has thousands of goods to offer at his Ferdinand Marcos Malacanang Palace Liquidation Sale. From tiny shoes to brassieres, you won’t find a better deal in town.

Recurring Characters: Rudy Randolph, Jr., Rudy Randolph III.

Mr. MonopolySummary: Lawyer Mr. Monopoly (Jon Lovitz) uses a get-out-of-jail-free card to prevent his client, Mr. Carasco (Griffin Dunne), from receiving a prison sentence. Many more Monopoly cliches follow.

Note: Damon Wayans decided between dress and air that his cop character should be played with more flamboyance. The deviation from the script causes Wayans to be fired.

You Bet Your FingerSummary: Game show contestant Kevin McMurray (Griffin Dunne) is excited about playing the dangerous trivia game, even when the malfunctioning mini-guillotine drops the blade before questions can be asked.

Bad SeedSummary: First-Lady Nancy Reagan (Terry Sweeney) informs viewers that daughter Patti Davis’ tell-all book is not based on fact, then unveils her own non-factual tell-all book about Patti.

Recurring Characters: Nancy Reagan.

Transcript

Buon Giorno, Ireland, Buon GiornoSummary: Gianni Tucci (Don Novello) sngs traditional Irish tunes in his own native Italian language.

Rosanne Cash performs “Hold On”Bio: The daughter of country legend Johnny Cash, Rosanne Cash (1955-) released her first album in 1978. She had her first of 11 No. 1 country hits in 1981, with “Seven Year Ache.”

Two Jones Cable InstallersSummary: Ned (Damon Wayans) and Fed Jones (Anthony Michael Hall) have the hook-up to get you free cable television from your neighbor.

Recurring Characters: Ned Jones, Fed Jones.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: The Ivy League sex scandal has the Weekend Update Dancers “Addicted to Love.” According to A. Whitney Brown’s “Big Picture”, giving $100,000,000 in aid to the Contras might not be in America’s best interests, which is enough to covince Dennis Miller to slice Central America off his map with a chain saw. Dennis Miller announces the Pinochet Countdown Contest, inviting viewers to guess the Chilean leader’s last day in office.

You Can Pick Your Nose, You Can Pick Your Friends, But You Can’t Pick Your Friends’ NosesSummary: Jonathon Lee (Jon Lovitz) tries to have a civil panel discussion, even though guest Burton Stewart (Griffin Dunne) keeps trying to pick guest Eli Horvath’s (Randy Quaid) nose.

Penn & TellerSummary: Penn & Teller demonstrate a card trick that viewers can successfully play on their friends if they get a tape into the VCR before the segment is over.

Business BeatSummary: Workplace cliches demonstrated by panel guests include a dangling carrot and an automatic kicking machine.

Rosanne Cash performs “I Don’t Know Why You Don’t Want Me”Note: Written in frustration after not winning any Grammy awards, this song actually did win Cash a Grammy in 1985.

Lyrics

The ZombieSummary: Teenager who now walks among the dead (Gruffin Dunne) maintains a close relationship with his ex-girlfriend’s mother (Joan Curtin), hoping he can win her back in spite of his death.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

… Dennis Miller
… A. Whitney Brown
… The Weekend Update Dancers

Music Intro: Henry Mancini’s “Theme from PeterGunn”

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withanchorperson Dennis Miller!

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Thank you very much.[lacking soul] R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it meansto me.

[Photo of round-faced dictator “Baby Doc” Duvalier]The United States this week denied entry to formerHaitian president Jean-Claude Duvalier, currentlyliving in France. A spokesman for the StateDepartment, in a carefully worded statement, said:[rapidly quoting old song lyric] “I don’t want him,you can have him, he’s too fat for me.” …

[Photo of Philippine leader Ferdinand Marcos dressedin white and flanked by two other Asian men alsodressed in white] In balloting done by the Hop SingInstitute of Virginia City, Nevada, President Marcoshas been named Houseboy of the Year by thatprestigious organization. … [scattered applause forthis reference to Victor Sen Yung’s houseboy characteron the TV series “Bonanza” which was set in thevicinity of Virginia City, Nevada]

Three weeks ago, Pepsi-Cola bought 7-Up and, thisweek, Coca-Cola bought Dr. Pepper. And this morning,in the smartest move of the year, the distantthird-ranking soft drink, Royal Crown, bought theentire water supply of North America. …[applause]

Walter Mondale finally resurfaced this week and saidhe still can’t believe how bad he got stomped. Youknow, it’s been over a year and I can’t even rememberthe final count but, when I went to bed, Reagan hadfive hundred ninety-eight electoral votes — Mondalehad three. [chuckles] You know, if you think about it,that’s only three more than I had — I didn’t evenrun, you know? … This guy spent fortymillion dollars and I almost tied him. … Talk aboutnot havin’ a date for the prom, huh? …

Geraldine Ferraro’s son, John Zacarro, Jr., was bustedfor cocaine possession yesterday at Vermont’sMiddlebury College. [scattered applause – Dennis looksup in surprise and ad libs:] I think the Board ofRegents is here. … School psychiatrists said youngJohn had a deep-seated need to compete with hisfather, John Zacarro, Sr. who … last year pleadedguilty to real estate fraud. … [scattered applause] Geraldine Ferraro, reached for a comment, said, “Ican’t explain any of this but, you know, I’m sure gladI kept my own last name.” …

Influenza’s back in the news and the Center forDisease Control in Atlanta has announced that thisyear will see the most widespread flu epidemic since1981. Now, to interpret this news story and its effecton you, here’s the James Brown hit single “Living inAmerica” and the Weekend Update Dancers, ladies andgentlemen!

[Song begins. Camera zooms back as Dennis pulls hispapers off the desk and retreats to make way for ahalf-dozen shapely women in scanty black outfits whodance onto the set — three in front of the desk,three on top of the desk. Lights flash on the setwhile the dancers wave handkerchiefs and, as part ofthe choreography, blow their noses, clutch their headsand stomachs in pain, mime taking pills and going tosleep, etc., before exiting. Applause.]

Dennis Miller: That’s not exactly Scotty Restonbut, then again, have you ever seen his legs? …[mild reaction to Dennis’ mention of New YorkTimes columnist James B. “Scotty” Reston]Obviously, you’ve seen Scotty’s legs a lot.America’s– …

America’s newest supership, the U.S.S. Yorktown, whichis capable of shooting down hundreds of targets atonce and can simultaneously track everything in theMediterranean that moves, smacked into a rock todayand sank. … [applause]

[Photo of bald Russian dissident Anatoly Sharansky]This is not the boat. This is Anatoly Sharansky and hehas been invited to visit New York by Mayor Ed Koch.[Photo of bald Ed Koch] Both are said to be lookingforward to meeting, dining together — [Side by sidephotos of Koch and Sharansky] — and having someserious discussions about hair loss. …

Newsweek magazine’s cover story this week wason Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker whom theyrefer to as “the second most powerful man in America.”The most powerful man, of course, for obvious reasons,is singer-actor John Davidson. [Photo of John Davidsonwith a streak of white in his hair] … [Dennischuckles and points to his own hair] What’s with thatwhite thing, Johnny? Get a hold of that, okay?…

[Photo of Ronald Reagan cupping a hand to his mouthand yelling to someone] President Reagan entered ahog-calling contest in Iowa last Thursday. …[applause] And you know what? He made Tip O’Neill runall the way from Washington to Des Moines just so hecould win it. … [Dennis apologizes to the overweightSpeaker of the House of Representatives] Sorry aboutthat, Tipper.

Contrary to long-held belief, anthropologists now saythat American Indians wasted literally every part ofthe buffalo. The large fatty hump was used as adoorstop, the hide was used for kites, and the hornswere used as fake buck teeth. …

A new variation in the game of bridge — in which thecards are looked at briefly, then torn in half andthrown in your opponent’s face — has been invented bya poor sport in Boston. … [weak reaction from crowd,Dennis sighs] Wish he would have kept that inventionto himself. Well! …

Dennis Miller: Here again, to untangle theknotty strands of the world situation, is our seniorcorrespondent. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome A.Whitney Brown!

[Cheers and applause as we dolly over to the dappercommentator.]

A. Whitney Brown: Thank you. Thank you. I’m A.Whitney Brown. Someday I hope to be the WhitneyBrown. …

Fifteen years ago tonight, I was an apathetic vagabondpicking up cigarette butts on the streets ofFlagstaff. But I wasn’t a bum. I was an idea manfocused on the absorbing subject of the universe intoto — something I like to call “The BigPicture.” And it’s paid off. Today, I have threepeople picking up cigarette butts for me. …

But, you know, the problem today is that nobody seemsto care about the things they can’t do anything about.And, of course, you don’t get the Big Picture from thenews media, either. Take this big brouhaha in Haiti.You really gotta hand it to the Haitian people.They’ve finally proven to the world that nobody canoppress them for more than twenty-nine years ata time. …

Of course, just when you think the news media can helpyou understand the world, they run another story onthe Iran-Iraq war. Who’s the good guy here?Nobody even knows why they’re fighting. Near as I cantell, it’s because their names sound too much alike…. Iran wants Iraq to change its name to”Boot-Licking Lackey of the Degenerate She-Devil.” …[applause]

Actually, the whole thing started over a propertyclaim that’s twenty-five hundred years old. Which hasto leave you wondering about the speed of Islamicbureaucracy. … I mean, how did that issue suddenlypop up in conversation? “You know, Omar, that – thatPersian land grab back in 500 B.C.’s really startingto stick in my craw. … Get the gun.”

Of course, we’re still left with the problem of who toroot for in this miserable little war. And I’m suresome vindictive Americans would love to see theAyatollah dangling from a lamp post in Baghdad. But myguess is that those people really don’t know muchabout the other sheriff in town, Iraqi dictator Saddamal-Hussein. Even the moderate Arab states are afraidof this guy. A moderate Arab, of course, being one whoonly holds a grudge for eight generations. … If yourecall, he’s the man who tried to build himself anuclear bomb — which, in Iraq’s case would be like atermite having a chain saw. … Trying to pick a goodguy from this bag o’ snakes makes me feel — realstupid. So, for an answer, I asked myself, “What wouldthose wretched bums in Flagstaff have thought?” Ithink they would’ve taken a swig of Bali Hai, burped,and said, “Kid, you’re an American — bet on thewinner.”

And that’s the Big Picture for tonight. Thank you.[applause]

Dennis Miller: Whitney! [shakes Whitney’shand]

A. Whitney Brown: Yes. Thank you.

Dennis Miller: Whitney Brown, ladies andgentlemen! Whitney Brown. And, you know, this just in,Whitney, the nations of Iraq and Iran merged today toform a new nation, “Iraq-an” [pronounced “I rock on.”]and … appointed Dick Clark spiritual leader….

You know, I’m just fascinated by that USA Todayweather map. …

[Photo of Britain’s Princess Diana and her son whoresembles the kid from The Omen movie series]One final story. Princess Diana revealed that hereldest son is actually Damien, the child of Satan. …[Photo of Diana’s big-eared husband Prince Charles]Unbeknownst to Prince Charles who was in Dallasattending the Texas sesquicentennial where he wowed’em with his opening one-liner: “I just flew in fromLondon and, boy, are my ears tired.” …[applause]

Hey, that’s the news! I am out o’ here! Good night,ladies and gentlemen!

[Cheers, applause and burst of music as we fadeout.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

Jay’s Evil Twin

Kate…..Joan Cusack
…..Jay Leno

[ open on dark, empty apartment, as Jay Leno and his date Kate enter, turn on the lights and sit on the couch in the center of the room ]

Kate: Oh, Jay.. I had a wonderful time tonight.

Jay Leno: Well, you know, I.. I ould see “Unmarried Woman” fifty times.

Kate: Oh, I know, it was really great. Jay, your commitment to feminism is so strong.

Jay Leno: Oh, it’s not really feminism, so much, Kate, as it is, I guess.. people. You know, I guess you could say I’m a people person. But, listen – before we read aloud from “Our Bodies Ourselves”.. [ picks up book from coffee table ] ..can I, uh.. can I offer you a little herbal tea?

Kate: Oh, Jay, that would be wonderful!

Jay Leno: And then, once we’ve been warmed by the tea.. [ apprehensively ] ..possibly, you and I could, uh.. make loves?

Kate: Oh. [ a pause ] Jay, you’re such a good, good man.. and I’m tempted, but.. I don’t believe in making love until I get to know someone very, very well.

Jay Leno: Oh, Kate, Kate, you don’t know how glad that makes me feel! Alright, look – it was a cruel test, but I just had to be sure that you feel the same way I do about making love too soon. Listen, hey – how about that tea now, huh?

Kate: I’d love it.

Jay Leno: Alright! [ retreats to the kitchen ]

[ Kate waits on the couch, reflecting on the wonderful man she’s dating, when a man who looks exactly like Jay, except with a moustache, steps out of the kitchen holding a can of beer ]

Jay’s Evil Twin: What’s the matter, baby? Still got your clothes on? [ releases an evil laugh as he shakes the beer can ]

Kate: Oh, uh.. I don’t want that beer.. I.. no, thank you, Jay.

Jay’s Evil Twin: [ releases an evil laugh ] Wet t-shirt contest, baby? [ pulls the tab on the beer can, gushing beer all over Kate’s clothes ]

Kate: Why! You’re not Jay! You’re Wade, his evil twin!

Jay’s Evil Twin: [ releases an evil laugh ] Jay – that little weasel! That sniveling druid! What kind of a man would read “Our Bodies Ourselves”? I’ve got my own version of that book, baby – it’s called “Your Body Myself!” [ releases an evil laugh ]

Kate: Ohhh, that’s evil! You’re an evil, evil man! [ runs quickly out of the apartment ]

Jay Leno: [ releases an evil laugh, as he peels the fake moustache off his upper lip ] You know.. I had a hunch that dame wasn’t going to come across on the first date. You know, this evil twin thing works every time – I could have blown three hours and who knows how much dough on that girl. But, anyway.. [ checks his watch ] My God, it’s still early.. I can still go to Hef’s place, maybe meet somebody else there. See you later. [ releases evil laugh as he exits the apartment ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

Observational Stand-Ups II

Steve…..Dennis Miller
Bob…..Jon Lovitz
Keith…..Damon Wayans
Jackie Niles…..Jay Leno

[ open on a group of Seinfeldian comedians, dressed in jeans and sport jackets, hanging around the backstage area before their sets. Bob reaches for the pay phone, as Keith and ?? spot him. ]

Steve: Hey, Bob! Killer set!

Bob: Hey! Hot crowd!

Steve: Yeah! Hey! You’re not gonna believe what just happened to me at the store!

Bob: Well, hey! Fill me in!

Steve: Hey! I’m shopping for jackets, and I’m thinking, “Hey! Why do they call it a sport jacket?”

Bob: Hey! You don’t play sports in them!

Steve: No way!

Keith: Hey! Maybe they should call them “walking around” jackets!

Bob: Yeah! Or “going out to a decent restaurant” jacket! Hey!

Keith: But, what I want to know is, what’s the deal with dinner jackets?

Steve: What do you mean?

Keith: I mean, hey! What if you wear a dinner jacket to lunch? Does the maitre’d make you take it off?

Bob: Yeah! I mean, hey! Does he make you wear a lunch jacket?

Steve: Hey! Great tag!

Bob: Hey! Thanks!

Steve: And, speaking of breakfast – hey! Let’s take a walk down Java Lane!

Together: Hey! Hey! Hey!

[ the three of them jaunt over to a table with a coffee machine ]

Bob: Hey! Everybody having a good time?

Steve: Hey! Yeah!

Keith: Hey! It’s great to be here!

Bob: Yeah! Hey! You ever think about those coffee tasters in Columbia?

Steve: Hey! What do you mean?

Bob: I mean, hey! What do they do on their offee breaks? Work for fifteen minutes? Hey! I want to know!

Keith: Hey! What I want to know is, what about Mr. Coffee? Who does he hang out with? Mr. T?

Bob: Yeah!

Keith: Hey!

Steve: And who does he bowl with? Mr. Cup-A-Soup?

Bob: Yeah! And, hey! Guys! Why do they always say, “Fill it to the rim with Brim”? I mean, hey! If you fill it to the rim, it spills when you drink it!

Steve: Hey! Maybe they should say, “Fill it almost to the rim with Brim, because I don’t want a lapful of Joe!”

Bob: Yeah! Hey, Keith! Great tie!

Keith: Hey, babe! Thanks!

Bob: Sure! Hey! You guys ever think about the existence of God?

Keith: Yeah!

Steve: Hey! Sure! I mean, hey! How do we know we’re not just on this planet by some accident of nature?

Keith: Hey! Hey! I mean, hey! I guess life is just a series of unmissed — [ stumbling ] ..unanswered mysteries!

Steve: Exactly!

Keith: [ trying not to crack himself up ] Yeah! Hey! Sit tight! Like, what’s the deal with Fred Flintstone’s feet?

Bob: I mean, hey! You could fit forty of Wilma’s feet into one of Fred’s! And, hey! He’s only got three toes!

Steve: Hey! Maybe he wore out the other two toes starting the car!

Bob: Hey!

[ older comedian, Jackie Niles, dressed in a blue tuxedo and chomping on a cigar, enters the backstage area ]

Jackie Niles: Hello, fellas!

Keith: Hey, look! It’s Jackie Niles!

Steve: Hey, Jack! You gonna do a set?

Jackie Niles: No, no, I’m not doing a set tonight, fellas. I’m just in town, but I’ll tell you one thing – I’m staying in a fancy hotel, a very fancy hotel – it’s fabulous, it’s fabulous. I tell you, very expensive – I dropped a quarter, the bellman picked it up, I had to give him a fifty-cent tip. What do you think of that, boys?

[ the observational comics laugh at Jackie’s jokes ]

Jackie Niles: You know, but I love what you new kids are doing with the comedy – conceptualizing it, you know? And, you.. [ points to Keith ] ..you, the colored fellow – you remind me of Slap Meat Higgins. You remember Slap Meat Higgins? He was a fabulous, fabuolus comic. And the way you do, what do you call – the improvisation. You know, in my day, you hit a fellow with a pie, it was funny. Today, you kids, you want to know why you hit him with the pie, what’s the motivation for the pie? And I think that’s fabulous.

And the dances the kids are doing today. I see that Twist, the Mashed Potato, they’re doing the home fries, they’re doing everything, I tell you. And the hair! The hair is so long, you can’t tell the boys from the girls! I saw a fellow walking down the street the other day – he looked like a Jack, he acted like a Jill, he smelled like a John! I didn’t know what hteh eck was going on!

I’ll tell you something – I’ll tell oyu right now! I’ll tell you this right now, fellows – they’re the only kids we got, and God bless them, huh? And, listen, when you get out to the Coast, you just call me – Jackie, huh? [ hands them his cards ] Go ahead there, you get yourself a little something!

Steve: Thanks, Jackie!

Jackie Niles: I gotta run! I gotta run!

Steve: Hey! What a great guy!

Bob: Hey! He really opened up to us!

Keith: I mean, hey! I sense his wisdom already!

Steve: Hey! I could have listened to him all night!

Bob: Yeah! Hey! What about that easy listening music?

Keith: Well, what do you mean?

Bob: I mean, what’s so easy about listening to Ray Conniff? Hey!

Steve: Hey, no way! I mean, hey! Hey!

[ they laugh with one another, and exit the backstage area as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

Jay Leno’s Monologue

…..Jay Leno

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, JayLeno!

[Cheers and applause for the dark-haired,lantern-jawed stand-up comedian who, with hisshort-sleeved jacket, vaguely resembles Frankenstein’smonster.]

Jay Leno: All right! Thank you, thank you,thank you! All right! [Cheers and applause continue.]All right, we didn’t come here to have fun! Settledown! … Good to see, everybody, welcome to the show.Saw a frightening statistic in the paper, this isunbelievable. What do you think the most widely readmagazine in America is? Take a guess.

Genuine Audience Member: “Us”!

Jay Leno: No, not “Us.”

Another Audience Member: “Reader’sDigest”!

Jay Leno: Used to be “Reader’s Digest”! Now,it’s “TV Guide”! “TV Guide” is now consideredreading in America! … When did this happen? Ithink it happened the same day ketchup became avegetable in this country! … “Are you comin’to bed, dear?” “Oh, in a couple of hours, honey. Ijust want to see who’s on ‘Cross Wits’ for the rest ofthe week. … Put my book marker on Thursday so as notto lose my place.” … I like the new ad campaign:”You need ‘TV Guide’ because TV’s getting morecomplicated every day.” … Boy, you know thereare people out there saying, “We’d like towatch ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’ — we just don’thave the educational background. … If onlythere was a supplement we could follow along with.”…

I watch my favorite show every day — “People’sCourt”? … [applause for “The People’s Court”] Nowthis – this is like “Attack of the Pinheads,” thisprogram, innit? “He took my pen!” “I did not!” “Hetook my pen!” “You shut up!” I think you should givethe death sentence to some of these people. …You know– and I feel sorry for Judge Wapner. He musttake so much grief from the other judges. I mean, hey– judges are a pretty pompous group. Whenever ya geta bunch of judges in a room, they’ll always try toimpress one another with the important cases they’vehandled. “Well, I remember the essence of the Mirandadecision was essentially that the rights of theindividual should triumph over the needs of– Why,here comes Judge Wapner now! … Hey, Wapner!How’d you make out with that Case of thePuppy-Stained Carpet?!” …

Game shows? You know, there was a time in this countryto be on a game show, you actually had to knowsomethin’, y’know? … Now, they bring back stuff like”The New Dating Game,” “The New Newlywed Game.” Ishould explain how this works. See, although theliteracy rate in this country is low, the networks areworried that it’s not quite low enough. … So, bybringing back shows like “The Dating Game” what theyhope to do is mate genetically inferior people … inthe realization that they will reproduce mutantoffspring … thus ensuring the next generation ofcontestants for these game shows. Yeah. … It’s allin a new book– [applause] All in a new book called”Frontiers of Science” by Bob Eubanks and Dr. WilliamShockley. …

Now, here’s something. I don’t know. You know,honestly, I like George Kennedy. I like Danny Thomas.Why do they have to try and sell these sleazeballinsurance policies … to the elderly and these poorveterans? “Are you fifty to eighty and thinking aboutlife insurance?” Come on! What eighty-year-old guy isjust thinking about life insurance? … “Youknow, honey, our children are in their sixtiesnow … Well, God forbid if we ever had thatmotorcycle accident, geez, I … just want to knowthose kids are taken care of.” And the benefits! Ifyou’re hospitalized, they pay you fifty dollars a daycash! Fifty dollars! How you gonna spend that kindof dough in the hospital, huh? … “Wanna put anextra stitch in my head, Doc? I’m gettin’ fifty a day,okay?! … Here’s an extra two bucks. You split thatwith the head surgeon.” … Hey, that’s not all.They’ll pay you fifty dollars every day you’rehospitalized — [snaps fingers] — regardless oflength of stay. Hey, let’s be honest. As soon as thishospital finds out you’re only gettin’ fifty bucks aday — [smacks hand with fist] — you’re not gonna behospitalized too much longer, all right, pal? …You’ll be in a roll-away bed in the parking lot by thetime they figure that one out. …

Any coffee achievers in the room? [brieflyplays air guitar] … Oh, these are the worst. Now,they’re trying to get kids to drink coffee. They showrock star David Bowie drinking coffee. Come on! ToDavid Bowie, a cup o’ coffee is merely asedative at this point. … [applause] Well,that’s the big thing now, innit? Try to get some bigtime celebrity to be a spokesman. Like a Bill Cosbyfor Jell-O, Cliff Robertson for AT&T, those are prettygood. But some of them are embarrassing. I keep seeingthis one: “Here’s Martha Raye — actress, denturewearer.” … Really? Is this really anaccomplishment? Denture wearing? I mean– … Is sheproud to have this on her resume? … “Let’s see, MissRaye, you’ve done theater, film — Oh-oh, I see you’rea denture wearer! … I had no idea your credentialswere quite so extensive, Miss Raye.” … “Here’s CarlSagan — astronomer, philosopher, hemorrhoidsufferer!” … I think he’s doin’ a hell of a jobthere. [applause]

Oh, I always get annoyed when I see celebrities try totake advantage of the character they play on TV. Who’sthis guy, Chris somethin’, does an ad for Vicks? “I’mnot a doctor — [raises a hand] — although I play oneon TV.” … Not a doctor?! Hey, pal, I’ve seen yourshow! You’re not even an actor! … [cheers andapplause] Thank you.

Anybody buy any new Time-Life Books? “The GreatGunfighters”! “World War Two, the Hitler Era” — thisis all part of the new Time-Life atrocity series. …My favorite is “The Great Gunfighters”: “Read aboutJohn – John Wesley Harding, so mean he once shot a manjust for snorin’.” Is this really responsiblejournalism on the part of “Time”? … What are thesepeople gonna write about the 1980s a hundred yearsfrom now? “Read about John Hinckley, Jr., an hombre soornery — he once shot a president, [folksy voice]just so he could meet a pretty gal.” …[applause]

And Hinckley – Hinckley’s getting married. You allknow about this? It was in “People” Magazine so itmust be true. … Hinckley met a woman at the prisonwhere he’s incarcerated. Kind of your classic lovestory there. … She’s a convicted murderer. And, ofcourse, Hinckley’s an attempted murderer. You know, Ihope this doesn’t cause problems in their marriage.Sometimes a lot of guys can’t handle it when the wifeis more successful. … [applause]

Manson denied parole again last week. Boy, this mustcome as quite a shock, huh? Gee … I mean, does theboard even have to meet to even decide thisone? … Couldn’t they pretty much phone this one in?… I mean, does Manson think he has a chance?Huh? Does he try to get a parole? I mean, whatdoes a guy like Manson even say to his cell matebefore he meets with the parole board? [prissilyfusses with his necktie] “Gee, what do you think, Bob?The blue tie? … Too busy?” [puts his pinky in hismouth] … Manson was injured recently in prison. Youread about this? True story. A fellow inmate threwgasoline on him and set him on fire during areligious argument. … Here’s a couple ofmajor theologians for ya. … [applause] Gee, I – Iwonder what part of the Scriptures they were havingtrouble with when one threw gasoline on the otherone’s face and set him on fire?! “Still think it’sMatthew 10?!” [mimes throwing bucket of gas] “Heeeey!”[covers face with hands] …

Hey, listen, we got a great show! The Neville Brothersand Mike the Dog! And me! Stick around!

[Cheers and applause. The SNL Band kicks in with whatsounds like the bass riff from Henry Mancini’s “Themefrom Peter Gunn” as we go tocommercial.]

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SNL Transcripts

85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

Backstage With Tommy

…..Jay Leno
…..Randy Quaid
Mike the Dog’s Trainer…..Jim Downey
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz

[ Jay Leno enters SNL dressing room, where the cast is throwing a wild party ]

Jay Leno: Hi, guys! Randy!

Randy Quaid: Huh?

Jay Leno: I’m a little confused —

Randy Quaid: Good show, buddy! Good show tonight!

Jay Leno: Okay, thanks.

Randy Quaid: You want a beer?

Jay Leno: No, no thanks. I’m a little confused, where do I go?

Randy Quaid: Good luck to you tonight!

Jay Leno: Oh, thanks.

Randy Quaid: I don’t know.

[ Jay exits room and tries across the hall, where a make-up artist is working on Mike The Dog ]

Jay Leno: Excuse me. I’m a little lost.

Mike the Dog’s Trainer: Mike the Dog needs his quiet time.

Jay Leno: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to —

[ Jay exits the dressing room, steps back into the hall where he runs into Pathological Liar Tommy Flanagan ]

Jay Leno: Excuse me – do you work here?

Tommy Flanagan: Yes, I do.

Jay Leno: Maybe you can help me. I’m a little lost.

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, come on – follow me. I’m the producer – uhh.. the executive producer of this show! Yeah! [ leads Jay down the hlal, as they pass background personnel ] Like the costume; keep the hat. Like the hat. [ to Jay ] See the guy wearing the Abe Lincoln costume? Don’t talk to him – he’s a liar. Okay, this way. Here we go. [ leads Jay offscreen down a hall ] I know this studio like the back of my hand! Hey, what’s this wall doing here? Oh, yeah.. I had them build it, uh.. yesterday, when I was taking a nap! Yeah, that’s what I remember! [ comes back out ] Come on – ah, here’s the way we go!

[ leads Jay past a bank of secretaries ]

Tommy Flanagan: Hello, girls, how are you? [ the secretaries are silent ] See? They work for me! See how they didn’t say anything? I trained them. [ leads Jay offscreen down another hall ] Yeah. Here we go, let’s go into my office here, right through the, uh.. oh! Can’t open it now, uh.. the secretary had new keys made – just yesterday! I keep all my money in here, all my jewels, too – yeah! If there’s any missing, I know where they are. [ re-emerges ] Oh, here we go. This is it!

[ leads Jay onto the various sets and audience ]

Tommy Flanagan: You know, I built this studio – yeah! In nineteen-thirty.. uhh.. oh-nine! Let’s see now.. [ looking around ] Oh yeah, there’s a TV over there, and.. oh! This is the audience over here. Here’s a TV camera – yeah, I invented it, you know. Let’s see here.. oh, we gotta go this way. [ turns back around ] Yeah, come on, here we go. Yeah, you’re hosting the show, aren’t ya’?

Jay Leno: Yeah.

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah, I thought so! I used to host the show last year.

[ they pass through the Observational Comics set ]

Jay Leno: Really?

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah. Here’s where everybody eats. Yeah, this is where all the hosts go, through here..

[ leads Jay through the set’s door, directly onto one of the sets for the “Star Search” sketch ]

Tommy Flanagan: Ah, here we go! Yeah, that’s it. See, the audience sits up there, and we got, uh.. lights! Yeah, that’s what they are.

Jay Leno: Well, how does it start? I mean, how do you start the show?

Tommy Flanagan: Oh! We start with a sing– uh, dance number. Yeah, that’s it! The Rockettes! Yeah! We get them all lined up, and —

Jay Leno: No, no, no. It doesn’t start with a dance number. It starts when I say, [ faces camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

Goodnights

…..Jay Leno

Jay Leno: [ crouched next to Mike the Dog ] That’s the show! Special thanks to Mike the Dog.. [ kisses Mike on the nose ] ..and everybody on the show! The Neville Brothers! [ stands and waves to the audience ] Thanks a lot! See you later, bye bye!

SNL Transcripts

85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

Target Earth

Major … Randy Quaid
1st Alien … Jay Leno
2nd Alien … Robert Downey, Jr.
1st Scientist … Dennis Miller
2nd Scientist … Nora Dunn

[Pompous 1950s-era movie music. SUPER: TARGET EARTH inwhite block letters over a shot of the Earth seen fromouter space. Dissolve to stock footage of flyingsaucer from 1950s science fiction movie. SUPER:SOMEWHERE OVER OREGON – Cut to stock footage of asaucer landing behind a hill (from the 1951 filmInvaders from Mars). Spinning newspaper, thefront page headline of THE LEDGER reads: SPACESHIPLANDS IN OREGON; MILITARY RUSHES TO SITE – Dissolve toa major addressing a group of uniformed soldiers nextto an impressive-looking futuristicspaceship.]

Major: All right, men! I want all weapons keptout of sight. We’ll use ’em if we have to but myorders are to establish friendly contact.

Soldier: [leans forward and clears his throat]Uh – uh, Major.

[The major turns to see the spaceship’s gangplank/dooropen and descend with appropriately ominous noise,music and smoke effects. Two intimidating space aliensin silver space suits walk slowly down the gangplankto address the men. At all times, the aliens actobnoxiously superior to the Earth men, virtuallysneering at them throughout.]

1st Alien: Who among you is the leader of thisplanet?

Major: I’m in charge here. I report directly toour leaders.

1st Alien: Bring them this message. Tell themthat we come from a distant galaxy, from a planet farmore advanced than your own.

Major: What shall I say is the purpose of yourvisit?

2nd Alien: [holding a book under his arm]Miserable Earth creature! It is not for you to knowour plans. [rubs the book affectionately]

1st Alien: [raises a hand] Tell the leaders ofyour backward planet to gather in this spot inone Earth week. On that time, we will reveal ourintentions.

2nd Alien: In the meantime, bring them thisbook. It is a documentation of our achievements as acivilization. Achievements far beyond your punycomprehension.

1st Alien: Tell them to study it well. But tellthem also we want it back — when they arefinished.

2nd Alien: Yes.

Major: I’ll tell ’em.

2nd Alien: It is a very valuablebook.

Major: [takes the book, looks at it] Iunderstand.

1st Alien: It is impossible to replace.

2nd Alien: So don’t get itdirty!

1st Alien: We’ll meet again in this spot in oneweek. [pointedly, to the major] And you will have whatwith you?

Major: The book?

1st Alien: Right.

[The aliens nod. Satisfied, they retreat back into thespaceship. Dissolve to an image of the U.S. CapitolBuilding. SUPER: WASHINGTON D.C. Dissolve to agovernment science office with a photos of outer spaceimages and a smiling Ronald Reagan hanging on thewall. Two plainclothes scientists peer at the aliens’book.]

1st Scientist: I know it seems hard to believebut I think this is on the level.

[The second scientist nods in agreement. The majorenters and confers with them.]

Major: Okay, what have you found out?

1st Scientist: What this is is sort of acombination almanac/encyclopedia for the planetMitron.

2nd Scientist: It gives a pretty completerundown on their entire civilization.

Major: All right, give it to me straight. Justwhat are we up against here?

1st Scientist: Major, as far as I can tell, weare dealing with a civilization here that is far -less – advanced – than our own.

2nd Scientist: I don’t know what they told youabout the planet Mitron but it’s about three hundredyears behind the planet Earth.

Major: But surely they must have much to teachus!

2nd Scientist: No.

1st Scientist: Not really.

2nd Scientist: Nothing.

1st Scientist: [shakes head sadly, shows themajor the book] Look, look. Leading occupation: sheepherding. Principle manufactured product: oil lamps. Icould go on and on.

2nd Scientist: I know why they were soconcerned about the book — it’s hand-lettered. Theyhaven’t even invented movable type yet.

Major: [exhales deeply] And if you could haveseen the way they acted! … [smacks his fist into hishand] Boy, this makes me mad! … What about thespaceship?

2nd Scientist: Well, there’s no way in theworld they could have built it. Our guess is — theyfound it.

Major: [upset] Oooh!

[Dissolve back to the spaceship. SUPER: ONE WEEK LATER- The aliens descend the gangplank and confer with themajor and his men. The major patiently holds thealiens’ book. The aliens are as haughty, sneering andobnoxious as before.]

1st Alien: Greetings, contemptible Earthcreatures. It is time you have learned of our plansfor your miserable planet. Gort?

2nd Alien: Yes. As those of you who have seenour book may know, one of the great wonders of Mitronis our sophisticated network of dirt roads.

1st Alien: However, every spring, the samething happens. The rains come and our roads become asea of mud. It is very hard on ourstagecoaches.

[The major glances back at his men. They can barelykeep from laughing.]

2nd Alien: In order to properly maintain theseroads, we need two things: more dirt — and slaves. Wehave chosen you, Earth creatures, to be thoseslaves.

1st Alien: We know how you must feel.Obviously, we do not expect you to be pleased uponhearing that you are to be enslaved but at least youmust admire our frankness.

2nd Alien: It would have been easy for ussimply to lie to you and tell you we had come infriendship. But we thought by telling you the truth,we may be able to win your respect, if not youraffection.

Major: Excuse–

[One of the soldiers bursts into applause. The majorand the other men look at him, annoyed. Embarrassed,he stops clapping and lowers his head.]

Major: [to the aliens] Excuse me. But, um, theleaders of our planet are most curious about yourspaceship. How did you build it?

1st Alien: [quickly] We did too buildit!

Major: No one said that you didn’t buildit.

2nd Alien: [defensively] We didn’t just findit! We built it ourselves, miserable Earthcreature!

1st Alien: [to the major] So, what is youranswer? Do you agree to come quietly and be our slavesor do you face the awesome power of ourmuskets?

[The second alien holds up a long, old-fashionedmusket. The major forcefully pushes the book into thefirst alien’s chest and takes a small submachine gunthat is handed to him by one of the soldiers.]

Major: [holds up the submachine gun] This isour answer.

2nd Alien: [laughs at the major’s small gun] Haha ha!

1st Alien: So, puny Earth creature, is that aweapon?

2nd Alien: Ah! But does it fire round leadballs, like these? [shows the major a handful ofmusket balls]

Major: Yes, it does. It fires two hundred roundlead balls per minute.

[The major steps forward and fires the machine gunnoisily into the air. The major returns to theastonished aliens who slowly retreat up the gangplankwhile still trying to maintain their false impressionof superiority.]

1st Alien: So, Earthlings, we will return toconquer you. Right now, we are leaving. … Butwe will come back later when it pleases us.

2nd Alien: Yes. Yours is one of –several planets we are considering conquering.We may decide not to but the choice is ours. Untilthen, don’t go anywhere.

1st Alien: Yeah, and – and don’t leave thisplanet!

[The major and his men watch as the gangplank/doorrises and shuts with an ominous bang. Engine noisesand smoke emerge from the bottom of the ship. Dissolveto stock footage of flying saucer taking off anddeparting, accompanied by pompous ’50s movie music.SUPER: THE END ?]

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SNL Transcripts