For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
February 2nd, 1985
Alex Karras
Tina Turner
None
Tina Turner, “What’s Love Got To Do With It”
Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley.
(Repeat) See: 02/26/84
Recurring Characters: Bernard Goetz.
Recurring Characters: Walter Mondale.
Recurring Characters: Robert Latta, Nathan Thurm.
Ricky & Phil
Ricky…..Billy Crystal
Phil…..Christopher Guest
[ open on Ricky in his apartment, pouring a bag of Oreos into a bowl ]
Ricky: This is the greatest! Super Sunday is like the greatest day of life! It’s unbelievable! I love Super Sunday, it’s amazing! It’s so amazing, it is unbelievable!
[ Phil enters the apartment ]
Phil: Hey, Ricky, how ya doing?
Ricky: Hey, Phil! Hey, where ya been, I was worried, you know? It’s almost game-time, did you get all the stuff?
Phil: Yeah, I got all this stuff! What’s the big rush, huh?
Ricky: I’m excited, it is Superbowl Sunday! It’s my favorite day, it is unbelievable!
Phil: [ points to all the goodies in the bag ] Look at this, look at this. I don’t know what you’re in a rush for, you know? Your 49er’s are gonna roll over like a dead dog, his petrified feet are gonna stick up in the air.
Ricky: Oh, really? Like I am really, really afraid of a team that has Flipper on their helmet, right? [ laughs like a moron ] I’m really, really scared!
Phil: Look, can I show you what I got here?
Ricky: Sure.
Phil: This is for the game, while we’re watching the game, look what I got here. Cheese balls..
Ricky: Great.
Phil: I got family-sized beef jerky..
Ricky: Great.
Phil: And, to drink, I got grape soda.
Ricky: Unbelievable!
Phil: It’s unbelievable, right? And, when the Dolphins are presented the Vince Lombardi Trophy for their victory, and you’re handing me your five bucks that you owe m.
Ricky: Five bucks, right, right. Like I’m running to the bank now to get your five bucks, right! [ laughs to himself ] What are you, an idiot?
Phil: What are you, a creep?
Ricky: What are you, a moron?
Phil: What are you, a jerk?
Ricky: What are you, a pinhead?
Phil: What are you, a doofus?
Ricky: Hey! Take it easy!
Phil: Alright, relax.
Ricky: It’s Super Sunday, okay, Cabbagehead!
Phil: You’re a brisquet-breath!
Ricky: What, Tush-For-Brains?
Phil: You’re a schmegma!
Ricky: Hey! Hey, I don’t like that! Come on, now what else we got to eat here?
Phil: Let me show you what else I got here for the festivities, alright? We got Bavarian Mint Ice Cream..
Ricky: Ooohhh..
Phil: ..on.. [ pulls out package ]
Ricky: Celebrity Frozen Mini-Waffles? What the hell is this?
Phil: It’s frozen mini-waffles, bearing the likeness of your favorite stars. Look, they got George Segal, Nell Carter, F.B.I. Zimbalist, Jr..
Ricky: Oh, they got J.P. Morgan and Chuck Woolery!
Phil: That’s pretty great, huh?
Ricky: That’s unbelievable!
Phil: Okay, and for dinner, which I am going to be savoring because of the 45-0 Dolphin victory..
Ricky: [ makes phone noises ] Excuse me, must be the telephone. [ answers make-believe phone ] Hello? Yeah, hold on. It’s the Bellevue Crazy House? Hello, Crazy House? You got a straitjacket for Phil Amatullo, because he thinks the Miamis are gonna win! Yeah, I know! He’s unbelievable!
Phil: That’s really funny. You’re a dipstick, you know that?
Ricky: Right, right, right.. thank you very much, that’s very funny. You are a creton.
Phil: You’re a douchebag!
Ricky: Hey! Hey! Hey, come on, Super Sunday!
Phil: Okay, let’s watch it.
Ricky: Okay, Vomit-Breath.
Phil: What did you say?
Ricky: I said Vomit-Breath.
Phil: You’re a midget!
Ricky: Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Elephant Ears.
Phil: Hey, look, I suppose you think that Fred Dean is gonna come around, right, and sack my man Marino. Is that what you think? He’s not gonna lay a hand on him, I don’t know what you’re talking about!
Ricky: Oh, really?
Phil: Yeah, really. When my Danny-boy sees him, he’s gonna throw the football into his fat blubberface!
Ricky: Oh, you really, really think so?
Phil: Yeah, I really do!
Ricky: Well, let me tell you something, pal – if my boy “Mad Dog” Fred Dean don’t sack your Pretty-Boy Dan Marino, who’s so fat he looks like he lives in a tanning center..
Phil: Right.
Ricky: I will personally go out on the fire escape, I will remove all of my pants, and I will moon Sister Polly Rucci at Our Lady of Pompei, okay?
Phil: You will?
Ricky: I will.
Phil: You got a deal. [ they shake ]
Ricky: Okay.
Phil: You’re a dimwit!
Ricky: You’re a peabrain!
Phil: You know something? You smell like a rhino’s nipple. Did I ever tell you that?
Ricky: Thanks very, very much. You know, that’s really, really nice. I gotta ask you one question, could I ask you this, Phil?
Phil: Yeah.
Ricky: Uh, is it possible that you could get, like, more pimples on your back?
Phil: That’s nice. Could you do me a favor? Could you get your feet to smell more? Would that be possible? Maybe you could kill all the pets in the building! That would be good.
Ricky: Right, that’s really nice. Let me ask you this – could you, like, fail a written driver’s test, like, eight more times, maybe?
Phil: Wait, let me ask you this – the idea is, what, that you’re never gonna blow your nose? Is that what it is? The rest of my life, I’m looking at a Whitman’s Sampler of boulders over here! That’s attractive, that’s great.
Ricky: [ pulls up his nose with his fingers ] Take a look at these!
Phil: I’m looking, pal, put it down!
Ricky: Let’s have a truce, okay? It’s Super Sunday.
Phil: Okay. Truce.
Ricky: What’s for dinner?
Phil: I got two Le Dinners.
Ricky: Le Dinners? What the hell is Le Dinners?
Phil: Look – Le Dinner. Predominantly beef patties, lima beans, carrots, and potatos au grautin. Huh? And, for dessert, Pez! Did I do good, or what?
Ricky: You did unbelievable! I love this Pez! This is really, really great!
Phil: Okay, look, as a special surprise now, I rented us some classic films, alright?
Ricky: What’d you get?
Phil: First one here – Night Nurses 3-D”. You still got them glasses?
Ricky: Absotutely!
Phil: Alright. Okay, we got “17 Wet & Willy”. This one’s Beta, you just have to shove it in there, right?
Ricky: That’s it.
Phil: Oh, this is nice, look at this. [ holds up tape ] You gonna say it?
Ricky: Mmm-hmm..
Phil: No?
Ricky: Ain’t going near that one, I’ll tell you that right now! I thought we were getting “Clan Caravan Part II”?
Phil: We couldn’t get it!
Ricky: Why not?! I don’t wanna see that one! I mean, I like the music and everything..
Phil: You loved it, really!
Ricky: I don’t like animals..
Phil: [ looks at watch ] Hey, lok at this, what’s it say to you?
Ricky: It’s time for the game!
Phil: Alright, let’s get out of here! Here we go, here we go.. [ turns on Ricky’s TV, but nothing happens ] What’s the matter with your TV set?
Ricky: Nothing! It’s a great set!
Phil: What are you talking about?
[ TV sparks and explodes ]
Ricky: That’s unbelievable! What the hell did you do to it?!
Phil: This is great! Why don’t you get an older set, so more tubes are gonna explode, alright?
Ricky: Like, I will, when your teeth, like, rot more! Like, inside your gums, alright?
Phil: Yeah! Maybe you should lose more hair! You could start shaving from the top of your head down, put a bow tie on the back of your neck..!
[ and on and on they argue, zoom out to fade ]
Good Cop, Bad Cop
Lieutenant…..Roy Scheider
Stevens…..Rich Hall
Devoney…..Jim Belushi
Lawrence…..Martin Short
[ Liuetenant enters the police precinct withLawrence right behind him ]
Lieutenant: What have we got, Stevens?
Stevens: Well, we searched his place, Lieutenant. There was no sign of the money, or the girl.
Lieutenant: [ walks over ] Come on, Devoney – don’t be stupid all your life. You tell me where the girl is, and maybe the DA can cut a deal.
Devoney: What are you talking about, Lieutenant? I was out all evening.
Lieutenant: With who?
Devoney: Your wife. I finally got to the head of the line! [ laughs ]
Lieutenant: Take a walk, Stevens. Lawrence and I don’t want to be disturbed. [ Stevens exits the room ]
Lawrence: I don’t believe that guy’s story for one second, Lieutenant! Why don’t you call your wife and check it out?
Lieutenant: Just listen, Lawrence.. this guy is a tough SOB, but I think we can crack him. What do you say we try the old “Good Cop, Bad Cop” routine?
Lawrence: [ amazed, and anxious to see it work ]
Lieutenant: Look, Devoney.. I understand your butt is on the block. If it was up to me, I’d cut you loose. But my partner here, he’s got a bad temper, a real bad temper. Right, Lawrence?
Lawrence: I agree, Lieutenant! [ smiles wildly ]
Lieutenant: Now, the truth, I don’t know how long I can hold him off.
Devoney: [ looks Lawrence over ] I’ll take my chances.
Lieutenant: I did what I could, Lawrence. He doesn’t want to talk to us.
Lawrence: [ starts to sob ] Oh, no, that’s, that’s terrible.. now, we won’t ever find the girl! And we won’t get our vacation, either! And it’s so sad.. because my mother wanted to go to Tampa in Auguest! I should have..
Lieutenant: [ pulls Lawrence aside ] What the hell are you doing?!
Lawrence: It doesn’t seem to be working, Lieutenant! Why don’t you try being the sad cop?
Lieutenant: What?!
Lawrence: You know – Good Cop, Sad Cop.
Lieutenant: Bad Cop! Bad Cop! B-A-D!
Lawrence: Oh, great start spelling, like I’m not embarrassed enough?
Lieutenant: Just remember – good cop.. bad cop. [ returns to Devoney ] Now, look, Devoney, this guy is on the edge of some serious bone-breaking. Just lucky for you he’s doing a slow burn. Now, for the last time, where’s the girl?
Devoney: Turning tricks, With your mother. [ laughs ]
Lieutenant: [ to Lawrence ] Take him!
Lawrence: Now, look.. [ holds up his hands, which are handcuffed together ] I accidentally handcuffed myself, Lieutenant! [ to Devoney ] I guess I’m a real bad cop, huh, Devoney? I think you should just tell me where the girl is, because I’m such a bad cop..!
Lieutenant: [ pulls Lawrence aside ] What’s the matter with you?!
Lawrence: I’m doing what you told me – good cop, bad cop!
Lieutenant: Not bad like incompetent! Bad like in vicious! Mean!
Lawrence: Ahh..
Lieutenant: Good Cop.. Bad Cop!
Lawrence: Alright, Lieutenent, then!
Lieutenant: [ returns to Devoney ] I’m warning you, Devoney – this guy is so crazed, he doesn’t know what he’s doing!
Devoney: Yeah, tell it to my lawyer – he’s making it with your sister! [ laughs ]
Lieutenant: [ laughs back ] Okay, Devoney, you asked for it. Lawrence?
Lawrence: [ sits ] Well, I’m sorry about my partner, he tends to get very, very upset. Can I buy you some pie, or possibly a..
Lieutenant: [ pulls Lawrence aside ] What are you doing?!
Lawrence: Did you want to be the good cop? ‘Cause if you do, that’s no problem..
Lieutenant: Look, look! It’s simple! It’s simple! Just watch – Good Cop, Bad Cop! [ returns to Devoney ] Let me at ‘im! Let me at ‘im! I’ll eat his face off! [ pulls Devoney up, then jumps to the opposite side of him ] Now, look, Lieutentant, don’t do that.. I mean, violence never got us anywhere..
Devoney: [ slightly confused ] That’s right..
Lieutenant: [ reverts to Bad Cop ] Don’t give me any of that liberal crap! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll tear him apart! I’ll eat ‘im alive!
Devoney: Who’s this guy..?
Lieutenant: [ Good Cop ] Now, look.. now, look.. I don’t know how long I can hold him off.. he’s an animal, he’s an animal.. please, for your own sake, tell us where the girl is..
Devoney: Uhh…
Lieutenant: [ Bad Cop ] I don’t care where the girl is! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im..! [ turns to Lawrence ] You see?! It’s simple! It’s easy! Any idiot can do it!
Lawrence: Well, let’s do it..
Lieutenant: Except the idiot I got for a partner! I’m going down to the squad car.. before I hurt somebody! [ exits room, shattering glass everywhere ]
Lawrence: Gee.. he seems to have lost patience with me, Mr. Devoney.. so, if you wouldn’t mind, on the way down to Headquarters, if you would just, you know, kind of ride up front with him in the car?
Devoney: [ surrenders ] Here, here, here.. [ pulls out a pair of keys ] Here’s the keys! The girl’s locked up in a warehouse on 8th Street!
Lawrence: [ takes the keys ] Hey, Lieutentant! I think I found a clue! [ pulls out handcuffs ] Okay, Devoney.. you’ve had an easy ride of it so far, but you are coming with me! [ thinks he’s handcuffed Devoney, but he ends up pulling the chair out instead ]
[ zoom out to fade ]
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
January 19th, 1985
Roy Scheider
Billy Ocean
Steven Wright
Billy Ocean, “Caribbean Queen”
Recurring Characters: Ricky, Phil.
(Repeat) See: 04/07/84
Recurring Characters: Angela Bradleigh.
Recurring Characters: Lawrence.
Recurring Characters: Consuela, Chi Chi.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 10: Episode 10
84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite
Boxing Stories
Boxing Stories
[Gray-haired Tony Manetti, in a cap, apron, andstriped vendor’s uniform, is discovered alone in aspotlight on a darkened Home Base in front of a blackcurtain. He works the aisle at a boxing arena sellingbags of snacks to the patrons. The camera, playing therole of an old friend, trucks slowly towardhim.]
Tony Manetti: [gravel-throated New York accent]Peanuts, popcorn, twenty-five cents a bag! Let’s go,hurry up. Hey, how ya doin’? How are ya, huh? Peanuts,popcorn, twenty-five cents a bag! Let’s go, there yago, pal. Let’s go. [catches a tossed coin] Oh! Thankyou, pal. Peanuts, popcorn, twenty-five cents abag!
[stares into approaching camera, points at it, as ifgreeting an old friend] Heyyyyyy! Hey, how areya? Huh? How are ya? Huh? How are ya?Huh? … Who are you? … [recognizes his oldfriend] Oh, yeah! Hey, yeah! How are ya? Yeah, ya lookgood, ya look good. You do. I – I don’t see so good,all this stuff hangin’ over here. Hey, you look good,you look good, you really look good. You do. You do.You look good. I swear, you look good. You do! Youlook great. I think you do. Ya do. Huh? How areya?! …
Yeah. Hey, you still fightin’? Oh. How come? Youstarted to bleed at the weigh-ins? Yeah, well, youknow … That happens. That happens. Boxing’s a toughgame. We’re in a tough racket. But I love the sweetscience. I love the game. Yeah, these kids today aregreat. These fighters today are great, they is.They’re great, they are. But, you know, I think it’stough, you know? The black fighters today are thegreatest fighters, I think. You know, you got, like,Tommy Hearns is great. And the Marvelous MarvinHamlisch, he’s great! They’re all great! …
See? See, but I think we had it tougher when we wasfightin’, right? Because, like, the Jewish fighterswere fightin’ then. And the Jews are tougher to fight,I think, because the Jews are used to fightin’ athome. … You know what I mean? All day long, they’regoin’ “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!” “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!””Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!” “What did I do?” “You left thatmuch soda in the bottle, ya put it back in therefrigerator! Drive me nuts!” “Oh, yeah? Who the hellleaves an egg in a cup stinkin’ up the place? Youknow? You makin’ me crazy! It’s disgusting!” “Oh,yeah? You bought retail!” “I did not!” “Yadid!” “Ya didn’t!” “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!” “And youain’t so kosher! When you eat out, I seen you eatshellfish!” “I did not!” “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!”So by the time they get in the ring, they’re nuts,right? … I get in the ring, they look at me and go,”You did!” I go, “I didn’t!” AND THEY BEAT THE HELLOUT O’ ME! …
[calms down, grins, gently] But I look better now,don’t I? Yeah, I – I got this fixed. [points to hisnose] Yeah, yeah, I had it put in the middle. Butthat’s it. … That’s all. See? See? See? See? Andnow, now there’s this whole movement, you know, youknow, to stop boxin’! They wanna stop boxin’! They do.You know, that group, what do you call that, eh –?Right! The, uh, the AMA! They wanna ban boxin’. Theythink that guys – They think that guys – They thinkthat guys get hurt! Listen. I had over a hundredfights. And I NEVER was REALLY hurt. You know? I evenfought nine fights in one night. Nine. Because none ofthe other fighters showed up. … I fought nine fightsin one night because I loved it! And this group –this, uh, A.F.L. — thinks they know – they know whatgettin’ hurt is. All right. I’ll tell ya about that.Sunnyside Gardens in Queens. I’m fightin’, uh, Ernesto”the Gardener” Torres, right? Now, Ernesto breaks mynose, he does, in the first round. Clean. Pow! Rightthere. My eyes are shut and, finally, after a littlebit, I visit the – the canvas, you know? I go down, Igo down, I do. The referee comes over and he says,”Tony! How many fingers am I holdin’ up?!” I looked athim and I said, “I think I’ll order the lamb chops,please.” Now …
This, ah, NBA group thinks that that is hurt. Iwas STUNNED! That’s all! I was NOT hurt! … [pause]What? I’m sorry. I – I went to Coney Island for asecond. Now … See – see, this now – It makes memad, you know. If – if – if they wanna stop theviolence in boxin’, don’t let nobody ride the subwayto the arena, that’s all. But let me tell ya this.They can’t stop the boxing. They can’t – Theycan’t take these kids’ futures away from them, youknow what I’m sayin’? The thing about it– See, thefighters could help themselves. They could.They could help themselves. You just gotta know whenit’s time to QUIT! You know when it was time for me toquit? The eighth fight o’ that night. You know? … Ihit the canvas for the thirteenth time, see, see, see?And I looked out over the crowd – and I seen afamiliar face in the third row goin’ [whispers] “Staydown, Tony. Stay down.” [beat] It was ME! … That’swhen it’s time to get out. You know? So, you tell thisgroup, y’see? See, even that night, I wasn’t hurtthen. I was just DAZED! That’s it. So this group,this, uh, this CIA group, they don’t– I hope this,uh, MBL don’t ever stop the sweet science. Don’t stopthe sweet science. You know? If they stopped it, wewouldn’t’a’ had the Joe Louis, we wouldn’t’a’ had theAlis, we wouldn’t’a’ had these people if they hadstopped it. See, this group, they DON’T KNOW NOTHIN’!
Now, lemme tell ya somethin’, pal. You know, I had alot o’ fights. An’ I took a lot o’ punches. An’, tokeep my health, I took a brain scan. And you knowsomethin’? They didn’t find nothin’. … So,tell that to that group, I’ll tell ya that right now.Hey, did you hear the bell for the fights? Ya did?Whew! Good. All right. Now, listen. I’ll, uh, I’ll,uh, wait for ya, if you – you wanna get togetherafterwards, after the fights, if you wanna see me,after, we– Yeah. Yeah, I would love to have abeer with you. We’d be breakin’ training, though.Yeah, okay, come on! Yeah, I’ll be right there! Wherethe hell else am I goin’? All right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.Okay, see ya. [the camera tracks back and away fromTony as he goes back to work] Peanuts, popcorn,twenty-five cents a bag! Hey, how are ya?!
[Cheers. Applause. Tony shadowboxes. Dissolve to awider view of the Studio 8H audience.Fade.]
Submitted Anonymously
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 10: Episode 10
84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite
The Pickup
Victoria Kingsley…..Kathleen Turner
Adam Sherman…..Martin Short
[ open on interior, loft party. The room is in full swing, as the trendy Victoria Kingsley enters. Feeling a little man-hungry, she scans the room, her eyes resting upon the nerdily-dressed Adam Sherman. She loosens her blouse and makes her approach. ]
victoria Kingsley: I just love lofts. Don’t you? Rooms are so claustrophobic.
Adam Sherman: [ meekly ] Uh, h-hi! I-I-I’m.. Adam Sherman! I-I don’t think that we.. have, uh, been introduced.
victoria Kingsley: [ extends her hand ] Victoria Kingsley. [ Adam gives her hand a weak shake, but she’s impressed ] It’s a pleasure meeting you! Do you have a loft of your own, around here?
Adam Sherman: No. Well, I-I mean, I used to, b-but.. my ex got possession of it, I-I’m staying with uh.. [ motions his hand behind Victoria ] friends for just a little while.
victoria Kingsley: [ looks behind her, points in the same direction, pouting ] Is that your “friend” over there? I saw you talking to her earlier?
Adam Sherman: Oh, no, no, no – I-I – no. No, that’s – I haven’t gone out with anybody for a long, long time, ever since I broke up with Sally, as a —
victoria Kingsley: [ grabs hold of his arm ] Ohhhh, Adam. [ pulls him across the room ] Take it from an old hand at the separation game: the most loving thing you can do for yourself.. is to get right back on that horse!
Adam Sherman: [ not comprehending ] But she won’t even talk to me, I —
victoria Kingsley: Not that horse! Look – what I’m trying to say, Adam, is it’s time to put the past behind you, to find a new.. love! Immediately. Now!
Adam Sherman: Well — [ chuckles nervously ] this may see a little corny, but I-I – up until now, I-I just.. sort of.. looked. I haven’t.. really touched. You know?
victoria Kingsley: Ohh. You know, that’s too bad. Because I find you in-cred-i-bly sex-y.
Adam Sherman: [ gasps ] Really?!
victoria Kingsley: Mmm-hmm.
Adam Sherman: I mean, I-I – I think that you are very, very attractive! I-I I couldn’t help noticing when I – when I looked over there, at one point e-earlier, that you were a very attractive.. uh.. person!
victoria Kingsley: [ flattered ] Good! Well, then – your place, or mine?
Adam Sherman: [ Adam is speechless, his mouth quivers but no words escape ]
victoria Kingsley: No, on second though – my place is safer. It’s soundproofed. Adam. Have you ever been.. with a multi-orgasmic woman?
Adam Sherman: [ speechless, but thinking carefully ] Does multi mean more than two?
victoria Kingsley: [ cocks her head back and laughs ] Way more! [ walks over to the bar and pours a drink ]
Adam Sherman: [ still speechless, he meekly follows Victoria to extend the conversation with a weak: ] Nice sweater!
victoria Kingsley: [ pleased ] Oh! You like it?
Adam Sherman: Uh —
victoria Kingsley: I’ll knit one for you! In blue, I think. Not green — [ rubs Adam’s green sweater ] You should stay away from the green.
Adam Sherman: What’s wrong with green?
victoria Kingsley: Well, it just makes you look kind of puffy and pasty, you know — oh, never mind. [ grabs Adam’s cheek ] I just want to think about.. tomorrow morning. I say we lie in bed ’til about.. noon. Snuggling. Watching an old Bergman movie – your choice. Then the Sunday Times over cappucino and croissant, and then.. [ pauses ] How do you like your eggs? You know, I feel silly not knowing!
Adam Sherman: Uh — [ struggling ] Victoria, you know, I-I think I may have to babysit tomorrow, so —
victoria Kingsley: [ lights up ] You like kids!
Adam Sherman: Well — uh — s-sure, uh, I like kids. Everyone likes kids, I — someday, I hope to have a kid —
victoria Kingsley: Aw! You will, Adam. Very soon. [ Adam sips from his drink ] Lucky for you, I’m obvulating tonight. [ Adam chokes on his drink ]
Adam Sherman: Uhhh — Victoria, you — uhhh — you don’t seem to understand, that – th-that I’m only twenty-four years old! I-I-I-I’m not even sure what I want to be when I grow up!
victoria Kingsley: Well — why not a house husband? See, my career is very important, I couldn’t allow a child to interfere —
Adam Sherman: No, no — uh, listen to me, Victoria – you see, this is exactly.. the reason why Sally and I broke up. I-I-I don’t want to be a father – I’m not prepared.. to be a father, you see —
victoria Kingsley: Well, but, darling – we’ll work all this out in counseling. You know, my astrologist warned me that I would meet an “A” initial in ’85 that would pull some heavy emotional blackmail on me, Adam —
Adam Sherman: [ aghast ] Oh! Oh, oh, oh — I just — no! This is the stupidest — I left the burner on, I can see that I’ve done that, I can visualize it in my mind, so — I-I really should be.. off.. and.. take care, and nice meeting you, Victoria, it’s been great —
victoria Kingsley: [ laughing ] Wait, Adam! [ runs after him, wraps her arms around his shoulders ] First, let me just ask you.. one question. Hmm? [ give Adam perhaps the most passionate kiss of his life, and he can’t resist ] Sooo, tiger – you want to do it, or not?
Adam Sherman: Well, I-I-I am.. feeling.. a little.. rather sexy!
[ they step into the door frame to the outer hallway ]
victoria Kingsley: You know, Adam – I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship. [ flis him around and pushes him out of the door, as she follows ]
[ zoom out to full studio shot ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 10: Episode 10
84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite
Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest
…..Christopher Guest
…..Gary Kroeger
Doug Henning…..Rich Hall
[Music. SUPER: SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS against a nocturnalNew York City skyline.]
Don Pardo V/O: And now Saturday Night News withanchorperson Christopher Guest.
[Cheers and applause as the SUPER disappears and wepan over to Christopher Guest]
Christopher Guest: Thank you, Don Pardo. Our top story tonight:
In these last days before the inauguration, Washington job shuffling was in full swing. It started with the resignation of White House staffer Mike Deaver, then, this week, President Reagan announced that Treasury Secretary Donald Regan and top White House aide James Baker would switch jobs. Then the Wall Street Journal announced that Labor Secretary Ray Donovan would switch jobs with New York real estate tycoon John Zaccarro. THen, Mr. Reagan replaced Energy SEcretary Donald Hodel with personnel director john Harrington, making Hodel interior secretary replacing the departed William Clark. Meanwhile, National Endowment for the Humanities Head, William J. Bennett, will become Education Secretary, replacing the departing T.H. Bell. While all of this was going on, the President nominated singer Johnny Cash to replace Transportation Secretary Elizabeth Dole, who will be assigned to Folsom Prison. Defense Secretary Casper Winberger is out, and will be relaced with long-time presidential favorite, Bert Parks. George Schultz is out, making way for the new Secretary of State, “Dating Game” host Jim Lange. Secretary of Health and Human Services, Margaret Heckler, will be replaced by Pat Sajak, as Secretary of Health, and Bob Eubanks as Secretary of Human Services. A new rumor has it that President Regan will step down and make way for Phil Donahue, who is said to have become “tired of New York already, and needs a change of scene.” If this happens, First-Lady Nancy Regan will be replaced by “That Girl”, Marlo Thomas, who will become “That First -Lady”, Marlo Thomas. For a transcript of this report, write to Postmaster General Anson Williams, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Here now, with a consumer report, is SNL Consumer Analyst, Gary Kroeger.
Gary Kroeger: Thank you, Chris!
Christopher Guest: You’re welcome.
Gary Kroeger: It seems that every year consumers have another new commercial fad to deal with. One year, it was celebrity diet plans. Last year, all the stars came out with their own exercise video. But, year after year, calendars are the biggest thing. And the hot one in ’85 was the Beefcake calendar. Have you seen ’em? Hunk A Month? I brought a couple here. [ holds up a calendar ] Looking Goode – Men of USC. [ holds up second calendar ] My personal favorite – BUNS! As a consumer analyst, I decided to do something about this commercial opportunism. I decided to join them!
[ holds up a calendar labeled “Kroeger A Month” ]
So I’ve come out with my own 1985 Kroeger A Month calendar. Like any calendar worth its salt, mine starts with January! [ picture of a topless Gary Kroeger with skis ] Now, I’ve already crossed off the first eleven days – you can clip them, add them to ’86, if you’d like. What I’m trying to do is create the spirit of every month. [ flips to February – topless Kroeger with angel wings and a valentine covering his crotch ] February makes me think of falling in love — [ flips to March – Kroeger lying facedown in scattered leaves while wearing a speedo ] March is the windy month.
Now, as most calendars mark holidays, I’ve marked all the special events in my life, so you can observe them with me. March 15th is marked, because that’s the day when I got my first kiss, back in the First Grade. [ flips to April – a mostly nude Kroeger in rubbers and an inverted unbrella ] In april, I’ve marked April 13th, because that’s when I got my first kiss from a girl. [ flips to May – nude Kroeger sitting down with daisies and a basket covering his crotch ] Of course, April showers bring May flowers. [ flips to June – Krogers in nude version of tuxedo outfit ] June is for weddings. [ flips to July – topless Kroeger poised with golf club ] And July is terrific for outdoor sports like golf, and — [ flip to August – obviously fake bikini swimwear pose with Kroeger’s head pasted on top ] there’s swimming in August. I — [ a faint whistle from the audience ] Thank you! [ audience laughs ] I’ve circled August 28th, because that’s the day I lost my virginity. Incidentally, 1985 will mark that event’s first anniversary. [ flip to September – half-naked Kroeger sitting on floor with school books and prep school necktie ] September is back to school! [ flip to October – naked Kroeger wearing mask with black bar across his crotch ] October was a little hot for television – but, if you buy the calendar, both masks come off! [ flip to november – Kroeger posed seductively wearing an Indian corset while sitting in a pile of leaves ] November brings the harvestm and, finally, the jolliest of months — [ flip to December – Kroeger undressing himself while in Santa garb ] December.
Now, I realize that, you know, the year has already started, so, like all calendars, I’ve had to slash my prices. That’s right – I’m selling this calendar in this lobby, right after the show, for only ninety-five cents! That’s change from your dollar! And, for only ten dollars more, I’ll go directly to your house and pose each month! Supplies are limited, so.. get one while they’re hot! Chris?
Christopher Guest: [ stares at Kroeger, unblinking ] That’s very sad.
[ Chris turns his back to the Chroma-Key, where we see a photograph of an Elvis statue ]
This week, in honor of Elvis Presley’s 50th birthday, the city of Memphis dedicated a memorial statue of its idol, who died in 1977. Situated directly opposite Graceland, Presley’s Memphis mansion, the statue stands seven-feet high and weighs eight-hundred-and-fifty pounds – which is approximately what Elvis would have weighed if he were alive today.
And now with a report on the nation’s federal deficit, which is rapidly apporaching two-hundred billion dollars, here is President Reagan’s newly-appointed economic advisor, Doug Henning.
Doug Henning: Thank you! Thank you! Oh, it’s so wonderful to be here! Oh, and isn’t so amazing that there are two Doug Hennings on this show! [ chuckles ] Oh, that’s my favorite illusion! You can never have enough Doug Henning! [ audience laughs quietly ] You know — thank you! The other night, after my Broadway show, Mr. Reagan came backstage, and he said, “Doug! I reaaaaally liked the way you made that elephant disappear! And the way you made that cougar disappear!” And with wondrously, childlike desperation, he — [ Doug’s fake teeth slowly inch their way out of Rich Hall’s mouth, until they finally drop and bounce across the newsdesk and land on the studio floor; the audience cheers the on-air blooper ] Thank you! That’s another of my favorite illusions! [ Christopher Guest extends his arm into the frame to return Doug’s fallen teeth ] Thank you, Chris! [ the audience cheers ] Thank you! I’m gonna disappear now for just a second — [ ducks under the newsdesk to re-insert his fake teeth, then realigns himself and continues as though there were no gaffe ] Mr. Reagan said, “Can you make the deficit disappear?” See, Mr. Reagan believes that illusion has become reality.. and reality has become illusion! Now, let’s pretend that the deficit is a big hole. [ reaches udner the newsdesk and pulls up a little metal bucket ] Like a bucket! A bucket is a hole, isn’t it, Chris? [ Chris is silent ] It’s a hole with sides on it! Thank you! It’s a big hole.. but if we fill it up just a little at a time.. and we all, just coughed up just a little! go ahead and cough, Chris! [ holds the bucket up to Chris’ face ] Cough up, there!
[ Chris makes a coughing sound, as Doug releases a coin from his fingertips which hits the bottom of the bucket ]
Doug Henning: Oh! [ turns the bucket over and lets the coin hit the newsdesk ] A fifty-cent piece! Now, we’re gonna cough up three-hundred-and-ninety-nine billion more times — that deficit is big! [ again holds the bucket up to Chris’ face ] Cough up some Social Security! Go ahead.
[ Chris makes another coughing sound, as another coin hits the bottom of the bucket ]
Doug Henning: There you go! [ turns the bucket over and lets the coin hit the newsdesk ] Oh! There’s an AmTrak, caught in your nose! [ tweaks Chris’ nose and makes another coin drop into the bucket ] If we truly believe in magic, we might be able to barf up some military spending! [ holds the bucket back under Chris’ face ] Barf one up! Go ahead!
[ Chris makes a dry heave sound effect with his mouth, as wads of bills jump out of the bucket ]
Doug Henning: Oh! There you go! [ audience cheer ] Thank you! I’m Doug Henning! Thank you!
[ camera pulls out, as Doug smiles and Chris stares deadpan into the lens. Fade out. ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 10: Episode 10
84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite
Kathleen Turner’s Monologue
…..Kathleen Turner
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Kathleen Turner!
Kathleen Turner: Thank you! In my opinion, it’s about time they had a woman hosting this show! [ audience cheers ] And I’m very glad to be here doing it. I guess a lot of you saw.. “Romancing The Stone”? [ audience applauds ] And you might be saying to yourself, “Wait a minute. Wasn’t she, uh.. more of a brunette?” That was mud! I’ve washed my hair isnce then. Actually, a lot of movie actors are very different in person, so I’m told. And it’s true, it’s true — [ looks into the audience, with a smile ] Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Jack? Wait, ladies and gentlemen – sitting right here, in the audience, is my friend.. Jack Nicholson!
[ camera zooms in on a fake audience member who looks nothing like Jack Nicholson ]
Kathleen Turner: Now, you see how different he looks in person? Even in my films – in each film, I look different. One to one. I mean, look at this one.
[ still shot of “The Man With Two Brains” ]
This is “The Man With Two Brains”, with Steve Martin. Now, you notice there’s this air of innocence and naivete, and everything.. Now, look at this.
[ still shot of “Body Heat” ]
This is “Body Heat”, with Bill Hurt. Now, as you can see, I started to develop a new attitude here. Now, next..
[ still shot of “Romancing The Stone” ]
This is “Romancing The Stone”, with Michael Douglas. Now, here I’ve reached a critical point as an actress. Obviously, I am on the verge of a breakthrough. Next!
[ no still shot is shown ]
Wha..? Where’s the shot from “Crimes of Passion”?
Voice of Dave Wilson: Uh, sorry, Kathleen. The NBC censor killed it – too much breakthrough.
Kathleen Turner: Television, huh? Well.. you’ll just have to imagine. We’ll be right back!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 10: Episode 10
84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite
MacDouglass-Drummond Miracle Wrench
Spokesman…..Harry Shearer
[ open on close-up of a model F-15 fighter bomber ]
Spokesman: The F-15 is the world’s fastest fighter bomber. But you can’t tighten its forward flap couplings with an egg.
[ pan out to MacDouglass-Drummond spokesman, who cracks an egg over the wing of the model F-15 fighter bomber ]
For that job, you need the MacDouglass-Drummond Miracle Wrench! Yes, them amazing Miracle Wrench tightens any standard U.S. Air Force 3/4″ bolt in just seconds! How much would you expect to pay for this kind of versatility? 5? $50? Sound.. incredible? Try $50,000! That’s because we’re the only wrench that’s Pentagon-approved. So why pay half as much for wrenches that can only do exactly the same thing?
With Miracle Wrench, you can tighten bolts, loosen volts, or move bolts entirely! Miracle Wrench can even withstand the heat of a Congressional investigation. Now, how much would you pay? But, wait – there’s less. Order now, and we’ll include the amazing $17,000 coffee pot! Specially-designed for the United States Army. It boils, it boils.. it even boils! And it’s all yours for an additional $24,000. Plus the price of the wrench and the coffee pot!
Right now, MacDouglass-Drummond is boosting bloating and ballooning prices beyond all conceivable limits! Suuurrre, you could buy better parts for less money, but you can’t pay more for this kind of quality. To order your own wrench and coffeepot, just send $70,000 of your hard-earned tax dollars – plus 45% for kickbacks and lobbying! – to:
MacDouglass-Drummond
Military Housewares Department
Los Bandidos, California
MacDouglass-Drummond – remember that name! Our prices are indictable!!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 10: Episode 10
84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite
Goodnights
…..Kathleen Turner
[ too soon for the Goodnights, yet not enough time for a sketch, Kathleen Turner’s bumper dissolves to her standing at Home Base, smiling ]
Kathleen Turner: Hey, so we’re not so good at keeping time! Stay with us, we’ll be right back.
[ dissolve to different bumper, cut to network commercials ]
[ return to bumper, dissolve back to Turner and the cast at Home Base for the Goodnights ]
Kathleen Turner: I had a great time! Good night, everybody!
[ end credits roll ]
Don Pardo V/O: Join us next week on “Saturday Night Live”, when our host will be Roy “Jaws” Scheider; and our special musical guest will be Billy “Loverboy” Ocean. This is Don “Loverjaws” Pardo saying good night.