Category:

Toilet Rush

Daddy…..Buck Henry
Mommy…..Jane Curtin
Daughter…..Gilda Radner

[ open on wide shot of cars passing down the street in the night ]

[ dissolve to interior, suburban vehicle, Mommy and Daughter gripped in terror as Daddy speeds down the street like a maniac; camera shakes to create illusion that the car is rattling out of control ]

Mommy: Okay, okay, there’s a man getting out of a parked car on the right, up ahead. The door’s still open. Move to the left! Move to the left!

Daddy: Okay, okay, I see it!!

Mommy: Oh, you just missed him!

Daughter: Oh, Daddy, Daddy! There’s a car on your left! You’re going into his lane! There’s a.. there’s a boy on a bike! On the right side!

Mommy: See the reflectors?!!

Daddy: I see it!!

Mommy: Honey, slow down!

Daddy: I missed him, didn’t I?!

Daughter: No, Daddy, you knocked him over!

Mommy: Oh, Honey, slow down!

Daddy: You know I can’t slow down! Daddy’s gotta go to the bathroom!

Daughter: Well, can’t we stop at a gas station!

Daddy: No, no, no, no, no! Daddy can only go at home – you know that!

Mommy: Look out – a rabbit!!

Daughter: [ panicking ] Oh, no, Daddy!

[ stuffed rabbit is tossed at the front window of car, and bounces into the air and out of sight ]

Daughter: Oh, no! Daddy killed the rabbit!

Mommy: Stop driving!!

Daughter: The lights turning yellow!!

Daddy: I can make it!!

Daughter: It’s turning red!!

Daddy: I can make it!!

Daughter: It’s turning.. it turned.. it’s red!

Mommy: Honk the horn!!

[ they run the red light, as cars are heard wrecking in the background ]

Daddy: I shouldn’t have eaten that big meal so early in the day! I knew I couldn’t hold it all day!

Daughter: Daddy, daddy!! A dog!!

[ stuffed dog is tossed on the side of the car, and falls over the hood ]

Daddy: I think I missed it!

Mommy: No, you didn’t!!

Daughter: Oh, stop!!

Daddy: Only half a mile to go!

Daughter: Oh, Daddy!! Watch out for those men in the crosswalk!!

Daddy: Okay, I see them!

[ two men jump across the hood and fall off to the sides ]

Mommy: Agggghhhhh!!!

Daughter: Slow down!!

[ cut to car rolling onto the curb and crashing into wall ]

[ cut to another car flipping onto its back ]

[ cut to third car, upside-down and in flames ]

Voice of Daddy: Okay, we’re home!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


November 10th, 1979

Buck Henry

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

None

None

None
Buck’s StorySummary: While demonstrators protest Buck Henry’s latest hosting gig, Bill Murray offers a heroic war story that explains why Buck is such a frequent host.

Transcript

Montage

Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: Buck Henry doesn’t grasp the audience’s ire towards his constant hosting and endless diatribes.

Transcript

Harley’s Bristol CremeSummary: Sue (Gilda Radner) desperately seeks a companion to share a glass of Harley’s Bristol Creme.

Recurring Characters: Honker.

Transcript

The Mystery Of Toad IslandSummary: Tom Brundidge (Buck Henry) travels to the mysterious Toad Island to uncover his roots, but finds only inbred, toad-like humans who can’t give him a straight answer.

Transcript

The NerdsSummary: Todd (Bill Murray) and Lisa (Gilda Radner) try to play matchmaker for their parents (Jane Curtin, Buck Henry).

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Mrs. Loopner, Marshall DiLaMuca.

Transcript

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakersperforms “Refugee”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Jack Van Arks (Al Franken) speaks on behalf of the chemical industry. Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) announces the winner of the Find the Popes in the Pizza contest.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

Bad ClamsSummary: Morning show hosts (Garrett Morris, Yvonne Hudson) torment Lucille Ball (Gilda Radner) by feeding her bad clams.

Recurring Characters: Lucille Ball.

How To Talk To Your GrandparentsSummary: Kids (Al Franken, Laraine Newman) employ lessons from instruction record in order to score money off of their grandparents (Gilda Radner, Buck Henry).

Schiller’s ReelSummary: “Life After Death”.

Note: Repeat from 77f.

Speci-PakSummary: Couple (Gilda Radner, Buck Henry) learn how to preserve their severed body parts for safe delivery to the hospital.

Love ContractSummary: Hampton Jitney (Bill Murray) and Muffy Barber (Laraine Newman) consider marriage, but first their lawyers (Harry Shearer, Buck Henry) collaborate on a contract and go over the fine print.

Transcript

Tom Petty & THe Heartbreakers performs “Don’t Do Me Like That”

Toilet RushSummary: Daddy (Buck Henry) rushes his wife (Jane Curtin) and daughter (Gilda Radner) home through hit-and-run encounters so that he can use his own toilet.

Transcript

GoodnightsSummary: The cast chases a rambling Buck Henry out of Studio 8-H.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 3

79c: Bill Russell / Chicago

Barry White’s Big And Tall That’s All

Barry White…..Howard Johnson
Duke…..Bill Russell
Lonny…..Garrett Morris
Female Customer #1…..Laraine Newman
Female Customer #2…..Jane Curtin
White Man…..??
Jenny Rocker…..Gilda Radner
Ron…..Bill Murray
Black Man…..??

[ open on Barry White playing on piano ]

Barry White: Hi, I’m Barry White. If you’re a big man or a tall man, I have good news for you. Yuor days of trying to find stylish clothes at your hard-to-find size are over. One of my Barry White’s Big And Tall That’s All stores is now open in your area. So, remember: [ he plays the piano and sings ] “If you’re big / And if you’re tall / And you want style / Then don’t you stall / Come to Big And Tall That’s All.”

[ dissolve to product card ]

Announcer: Big And Tall That’s All. At Cedarcrest Mall, where parking is NEVER a problem.

[ dissolve to Duke and Lonny watching the commercial on a small TV at the Cedarcrest Mall’s Barry White’s Big And Tall That’s All store ]

Duke: You know, that commercial’s been running for a week now, and, uh, I hate to say it, but… I don’t think it’s helped one bit!

Lonny: Oh, no, no, no, no! I think it’s working, man! Now everybody knows… that we only sell for big and tall men! Only!

Duke: But we’re not advertising just so the regular-sized guys know not to come here. We’re looking for big and tall that’s all. And where are they? I want to know!

Lonny: Hey, man, look — it wasn’t my idea to invest ALL our money in this Barry White franchise! Now, I wanted to buy that Arthur Treaches over there on the turnpike! You know that!

Duke: Yeah, but who insisted on coming to this mall? It’s more like a coal mine that a mall!

Lonny: Look, don’t worry, Duke — the commercial will WORK! Man, I bet there are THOUSANDS of big and tall men who have SEEN our commercial, baby!

Duke: No, no. Probably a lot of tall guys saw it. But I don’t know about the big ones. Yuo see, one of those advertising guys told me that a lot of fat people — I’m sorry — a lot of BIG people, they never get to see commercials… because that’s when they get up to go to the refrigerator. And he says if we want to get to the BIG people… we’ll have to advertise on milk cartons.

Lonny: Now, why didn’t you tell me Eddie said that, man? Why idn’t you tell me he said that?

Duke: Well, Lonny, I didn’t want to tell you because, uh, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, because I know how sensitive you are about your size.

[ Lonny saunters away, hurt, as two female customers enter ]

Female Customer #1: Hi! Is the store for, uh, fat men?

Duke: We feature clothes for big and tall people.

Female Customer #2: Yeah, well, we need a belt for a FAT man. you know? Do you have something, uhhhh, for someone with about like a… 44-inch stomach?

Duke: [ he holds up a belt ] Well, now, uh — we’ve got a belt here, but it’s, uh, 48. But you can, uh… put some more holes in it.

Female Customer #2: [ examining the belt ] That looks like a belt for a weather balloon!

Female Customer #1: [ laughing ] Can you imagine the pork butt that’s gonna fit around!

Female Customer #2: It makes me SICK just thinking about it.

Female Customer #1: Listen, uh — is there another men’s store in this mall?

Duke: Uh — there used to be another one. This is the only one now, because, uh… Floyd Hunger had a men’s shop down there, but, uh, they had a fire about a month ago and, uh, they’re not open any more.

Female Customer #2: [ to her friend ] Why don’t we just get him some aftershave, okay?

Female Customer #1: Good idea.

Female Customer #2: Yeah.

[ they turn to leave ]

Lonny: Okay, why don’t you try over at Clifford’s? There’s a lot of nice skinny people working over there.

[ they exit, as a big and tall white man enters ]

Lonny: Heyyy! Welcome to our store! Come on in!

White Man: Do you have any Size 54 suits with vests?

Lonny: We have a whole selection of 54s! You have come to the right store! Now, how did you hear about us? Did you see our ad on TV?

[ Duke steps forward with a Size 54 suit and vest ]

White Man: Uh, no. I heard some people talking about it.

Lonny: Well, do you remember what it was? Was it on Tv, then?

White Man: I don’t remember exactly where it was. I think, maybe, it was at Mr. Doland. Uh, no, no — I think it was a Dairy Queen!

Lonny: Ah, Dairy Queen. Aha. Uh, yeah, uh — try this on, man. This is just the style.

White Man: This isn’t really what I had in mind…

Duke: Oh, yeah. That’d look cool on you. You gotta try this on. You GOT to try this! [ he removes the man’s jacket and puts their jacket on him ]

Lonny: Look at that, look at that! Look at that, it’s perfect! It’s perfect!

Duke: It looks like you lost thirty pounds, just putting it on.

Lonny: Yeah, man! You ought to buy Barry White all the time!

White Man: I like the fit… but I think the style just isn’t right.

Lonny: Why don’t you try on the pants, man?

White Man: Uhhh — I gotta go. I gotta go. I left my dog in the car.

Lonny: Well, you could bring him in here! I mean, we’ll take care of him, man! You know, we’ll take him while you try on a suit!

White Man: Okay. I might do that. Uhhh — I might come back… if he’s not tired. [ he grabs his jacket and rushes out ] He’s not tired…

Duke: Well… I thought we had one there.

Lonny: He might be BACK, man, if his DOG’S not tired! I’m SURE he’ll be back!

[ Jenny rocker and Ron enter ]

Jenny Rocker: Hi, Duke! Hi, Lonny! Hi!

Duke: You just getting back?

Jenny Rocker: Oh, yeah. We had to wait a long time to see him.

Ron: It was the first time I ever gave a haircut in jail! I’ve given them in hospitals and mortuaries, offices — Floyd was my first jail haircut!

Duke: How are his spirits?

Lonny: I can’t believe it — Floyd Hunger in the slammer.

Jenny Rocker: Right.

Ron: He’s in pretty good shape, considering the charges. You know, arson is not a petty crime. You know, I’ll bet the styles are gonna be altogether different by the time he gets out and starts selling suits again.

Jenny Rocker: Oh, right — he wanted me to thank you for the Barry White poster. He said that it was a big hit down there!

Lonny: He wasn’t mad at you, Jenny?

Jenny Rocker: Oh, no — he understood. You know how wonderful Floyd is. I feel terrible.

Ron: Come on, Jenny… forget it, it wasn’t your fault. If I were Floyd’s neighbor, and I saw his garage light on at three in the morning, I would have thought somebody had broken in there… and I probably would have reported it to the police, too. Whoever thought, you know, they’d find Floyd in there cutting the labels out of all those suits?

Jenny Rocker: Poor Floyd.

Duke: Hey, uh — did you tell him about his wife running around with the guy who had the dress shop in the new mall?

Jenny Rocker: Oh, no. We didn’t want to upset him. You know how MAD Floyd gets whenever anybody even mentions the new mall.

Ron: I gotta get going. [ he looks out the door and whispers ] Ooh, it looks like you guys got a customer…

[ Ron and Jennry exit, as the big and tall Black man enters ]

Duke: Can I help you?

Black Man: Uh, do you know when the Scotch tape store over there is gonna open up?

[ Jenny peeks back in ]

Duke: [ pointing ] Uh — that’s the proprieter there?

Jenny Rocker: Did you want to buy some tape?

Black Man: Yeah. I’ve been waiting over there for about fifteen minutes.

Jenny Rocker: Well, I was just going back to the store. Now, did you want — why don’t you coem with me. [ she steps away ] Did you want the thirty-nine-center or the rwenty-seven-center? The thirty-nine-center is a better deal —

[ they walk out of the shop together, as Duke and Lonny stare at one another in bewilderment ]

[ camera pulls out, with SUPER: “coming up next: Studio 54, Wehre Are You?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 3

79c: Bill Russell / Chicago

Sports Hotline

Eddie McVey…..Bill Murray
Caller #1…..Tom Davis
Caller #2…..Peter Aykroyd
Caller #4…..Al Franken
…..Bill Russell

[ open on radio broadcast booth ]

Eddie McVey: This is “Sports Hotline”. I’m Eddie McVey. If there’s anything you want to know about any kind of sports, let me know, call me right now. [ he presses a button on the phone ] Hello, you’re on “Sports Hotline”!

Caller #1: Yeah, uh… Eddie?

Eddie McVey: Yeah!

Caller #1: Uhhh, this is Pete from El Camino.

Eddie McVey: Yeah, Pete — what’s your question?

Caller #1: Uhh — I’d like to know if you think taking the hedge rack out of soccer is gonna significantly, uh, change the game… or what?

Eddie McVey: Well, you know, Pete, I was against the change. The hedge rack makes for a lot of action. A stamper has to jump to avoid the bricks. You lose the hedge rack, I think you lose a lot of the beauty of the game. Sorry. [ he presses a button on the phone ] Yes — you’re on “Sports Hotline”!

Caller #2: Hi, Eddie? This is Sandy.

Eddie McVey: Yeah?

Caller #2: I want you to settle an argument for me — Two blade runners arrive at the disc at the same time. The judge gives each a red tag. Now that’s a point for every minute they’re on the field, right?

Eddie McVey: That’s right. Go on.

Caller #2: Well… what I want to know is… who gets to use the glass bat bat first, if they’ve both been tagged?

Eddie McVey: Well, it’s really quite simple, Sandy — The firt one off the field is the last one to use the bats. Does that answer your question?

Caller #2: Yeah. Thanks!

Eddie McVey: Sure. Stupid question, though! [ he presses a button on the phone ] Hello, “Sports Hotline”!

Caller #3: Eddie. What do you think of this kid, Stevens? Yuo think he’ll make it?

Eddie McVey: Well, I’ll tell you — he really showed me something last Friday. That move he put on the Taggert Twins was really something. They never even got CLOSE to putting the hood over his head. I like the way the kid plays.

Caller #3: Uh, I don’t know… I think he’s too young.

Eddie McVey: I don’t know what the Hell you know! Thanks for calling, though. [ he clicks the phone off ] I’m gonna stop for a minute here, uh, and I’d like to introduce someobdy here who’s my special guest. His name is… Bill Russell,, and, uh… he is a [ as though it’s not a real thing ] bas-ket-ball player. Uh, did I pronounce that correctly, Mr. Russell?

Bill Russell: [ incredulous ] Yeah! Right. Basket-ball.

Eddie McVey: Yeah, well, I suppose most of my listeners are kinda new to your game, Mr. Russell. I thought it would be reefreshing to explain it to them.

Bill Russell: Wat a minute! You don’t know about basketball? You run a sports hotline show, and you’ve never heard of basketball?

Eddie McVey: No, no — I’ve heard of basketball! I just don’t think a lot of people out there at home have heard of the game. I mean, it’s not like Sticks & Melons or anything?

Bill Russell: [ bewildered ] Sticks & Melons?! What’s that?!

Eddie McVey: Sticks & Melons? You don’t remember when you were a kid, Sticks & Melons? Nobody gets caught? [ mimicking ] “Oh, you don’t want to get caught holding the melon! Oh, he’s got the melon, you know?” Now we play Trellis, of course, but it’s basically the same game.

Bill Russell: Trellis? Melons? What are you talking about? This is supposed to be a sports show?

Eddie McVey: Not only is this a sports show, but I would be willing to bet that, uh, I have the most knowledgable sports listeners in all of radio. [ he grins smugly ]

Bill Russell: Really? Well, why don’t we call some of these so-called sports fans of yours?

Eddie McVey: Oh, you’re gonna end up looking like an idiot. It’s a great idea! [ he presses a button on the phone ] Alright. You want to talk to Bill Russell, former hot basketball player? Basketball, right? Goes in the basket? [ stumbling ] Dial, uh, around the basket… dial the Sports Hotline. Yes? [ he presses a button on the phone ] Sports Hotline, go ahead!

Caller #4: Uh, yeah — Mr. Russell?

Bill Russell: Yes?

Caller #4: Well, I’ve heard of basketball…

Eddie McVey: You see, Bill? You end up looking like a jerk! Go ahead.

Caller #4: Yeah. And I just wanted to know… uh… how many balls are used in a game? I mean, uh, it’s not like Rudderbat, is it?

Bill Russell: [ confused ] Rudderbat? This is your knowledgable audience?

Eddie McVey: Actually, I can understand the confusion — You see, in Rudderbat, every player has his own ball, and I would guess that, in your gme, it’s played with just one ball. Am I right?

Bill Russell: Yeah. Yeah. You’re right. There’s one ball you shoot through a hoop — or a basket — it’s called “basketball”. Now, I can’t believe I have to explain this, but, uh — have you ever seen a basketball game?

Eddie McVey: They do it in Mexico — baskets on the ground, right?

Bill Russell: Nooo. No, it’s not on the ground. In fact, it’s ten feet up in the air.

Eddie McVey: And you have to, what — put the ball through the basket? That’s to score points, or whatever?

Bill Russell: Exactly! You put the ball through the basket to score points. [ he rolls his eyes upward ]

Eddie McVey: Well, I wish we had more time, ’cause it sounds like a fun game. But there is one thing I’d like to ask you, Russell: You’re a big, tall guy, aren’t you?

Bill Russell: You might say that…

Eddie McVey: Now, now, you must have an incredible advantage for you to push the ball up through the basket.

Bill Russell: That’s right. It’s a big advantage.

Eddie McVey: By the way, what do you think of this new kid Stevens?

Bill Russell: Well, any kid who can handle those twins like that, with avoiding getting the hood blows in — I’ll tell you, he’s gotta make it. [ he shrugs ]

Eddie McVey: Couldn’t agree with you more, Bill! Thanks for coming down! This is Eddie McVey. I gotta go away. Tomorrow on “Sports Hotline”, I’m gonna be talking with Babe Tardish, who’s the cull’s sweeper for Topeka. I know every blood racquet nut, fan, aficienado is gonna want to tune in for that one. So so long, everybody, I’m gonna see you tomorrow. Eddie McVey, gotta go!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 3

79c: Bill Russell / Chicago

The Black Shadow

Coach Curtis Lewis…..Bill Russell
Bill…..Bill Murray
Tom…..Tom Davis
Al…..Al Franken
Peter…..Peter Aykroyd
Mrs. Crane…..Jane Curtin
Female Student…..Laraine Newman
Pregnant Student…..Gilda Radner
Mitchell…..Mitchell Laurance
Mrs. Lewis…..Garrett Morris
Other Students…..Tom Gammill, Max Pross

[ open on high school locker room after the big basketball game ]

Coach Curtis Lewis: Alright, alright, alright — you guys listen. You fought hard, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Bill: Come on, Coach. We were better than that team. We would have WON if you’d let us play five guys at a time!

Tom: Yeah, who ever heard of a team that only played with three guys?

Coach Curtis Lewis: Okay, okay – so it didn’t work out, I thought I could confuse them.

Al: You were — you were betting on the other team to support your drug habit, weren’t you, Coach?

Coach Curtis Lewis: [ stung ] You’re just saying that… because I’m BLACK!

Bill: That has NOTHING to do with it! We’re saying it because we CARE about you!

Coach Curtis Lewis: Oh, leave me alone! [ he step away ] Yuo guys never get high, what do you know?! Go ahead — shower! Get out of here!

Al: Hey, uh — you guys think we should take off our uniforms before we shower?

Team: Nah! Nah!

[ the team exits into the showers, as Coach goes through their lockers looking for money ]

[ SUPER: “The Black Shadow” over bouncy music ]

Announcer: “The Black Shadow”. Black coach, white team. He gets in trouble, they bail him out.

[ dissolve to Mrs. Crane’s office ]

Mrs. Crane: And so, I’m afraid I’m going to have to fire Coach Lewis.

Team: Awwwww…

Mrs. Crane: Look, there is NO WAY I can keep a faculty member here at John Davidson High School who has been caught distributing pornography in the cafeteria, and in the SAME WEEK assaults a student in the parking lot!

Bill: There’s no EXCUSE for Coach Lewis’ behavior, Mrs. Crane, but FIRING him won’t SOLVE anything! He’ll just get another job in another all-white suburban high school! There’s something going on inside him that’s turning him inside out! If we just had enough time, we could maybe figure out what it is and turn him around so he could face himself!

Mrs. Crane: I think I know what you mean. But even if we turned him around, I don’t see how he could face himself.

Tom: She’s right. What we want to do is turn him right-side out.

Al: No, that’s WORSE! Leave him inside out, see? At least then he can face himself!

Peter: Mrs. Crane, do you ever face yourself?

Mrs. Crane: Oh, yes. I face myself every morning.

Peter: Well, ho?

Mrs. Crane: By looking inside myself.

Tom: Yeah… but you’ve never been turned inside-out.

Mrs. Crane: [ laughing ] Oh, you’d be surprised! Well, since you put it that way, I’ll give him another chance. [ the team is thrilled ] But I’m warning you! I’m warning you — if he causes any more trouble, I’m gonna have to fire him… and make you boys wear normal clothes to class.

Team: Oh, wait a minute..!

[ dissolve to school hallway, Coach Lewis hitting on a female student ]

Female Student: Mr. Lewis, you don’t love me. Yuo jsut think you do.

Coach Curtis Lewis: No, baby! I’m CRAZY about you, baby!

Female Student: Ohhh, God. I mean, don’t you see? I’m fifteen; you’re forty! When you’re fifty, I’ll be twenty-five.

Coach Curtis Lewis: And I’ll still love you, baby!

Female Student: [ she sighs ] Oh… you should be seeing women your own age, going out and having fun!

Coach Curtis Lewis: [ he considers this ] It’s because I’m Black, isn’t it?

Female Student: [ she shakes her head ] Now, you know that just isn’t true!

[ the school bell rings ]

Female Student: I gotta go to class.

[ she exits down the hall with the other students, as a pregnant female student appears ]

Pregnant Student: Curtis Curtis! Curtis, you’re not still angry at me, are you?!

Coach Curtis Lewis: Go away! I told you: Stay out of my life! I’m too OLD for you!

Pregnant Student: Oh, yeah… but, Curtis! Please! Please! Look at me! I need to talk to you! I mean, I need some more heroin! [ Coach Lewis laughs ] I mean, now with Curtis, Jr. on the way, I —

Coach Curtis Lewis: Hey, hey — don’t!

Pregnant Student: — I got another habit to support!

Coach Curtis Lewis: Hey, listen — DON’T call him “Curtis, Jr.”, and get outta here!

Pregnant Student: [ stunned ] Okay!

Coach Curtis Lewis: I told you I’m too old for you, now who needs you? Beat it!

Pregnant Student: Okay, okay!

[ he exits down the hall, as the basketball team runs forward ]

Mitchell: Here he is!

[ the team surrounds Coach Lewis ]

Coach Curtis Lewis: Oh, boy…

Bill: Coach? You missed practice again today. Now, this is getting SERIOUS! It’s pretty hard for a team to play without supervision!

Tom: Yeah…

Coach Curtis Lewis: Hey, listen — I had to take care of my mom because… she’s sick. Yeah, that’s it! She’s sick! My mom’s sick. Now, get off my case and leave me alone! [ he turns to one of the teammates as he reaches into his pocket ] Hey, uh — you want to buy a gun? It’s got a registration on it… [ the teammate shakes his head No, so Coach Lewis exits the hall ]

Tom: Hey… I wonder if the Coach was telling the truth about his mother?

Bill: There’s only one way to find out.

Al: [ dumbly ] Smell his sneakers?

Bill: Nooo! Visit his mother.

Tom: Alright, let’s go!

[ the team rushes down the hall ]

[ dissolve to Mrs. Lewis’ house, as she reads Essence Magazine ]

[ the doorbell rings ]

Mrs. Lewis: I wonder who it is? [ she answers the door to the team ] Oh! What can I do for you?

Bill: Uh — we’re the Jhon Davidson High School basketball team. We’d like to talk to you about your son, Mrs. Lewis.

Mrs. Lewis: [ nervously ] Well, it’s freezing outside! Yuo guys must be cold! Come in!

Al: We like it!

Mrs. Lewis: Oh, you should. [ as they all crowd inside ] Uh — uh — what — is my son alright?

Tom: Oh, yeah, yeah. He’s alright, Ma’am.

Mrs. Lewis: Oh, thank God!

Peter: But, Mrs. Lewis, we think you should know that your son’s in trouble.

Mrs. Lewis: Oh, no, no… what’s he done now?

Tom: Well, I’m afraid he’s been stealing, uh, assaulting students, lying, committing arson, hoarding weapons in his locker, shaking down freshmen for hteir lunch money, encouraging truancy, torturing lab animals —

Mrs. Lewis: Please! Please! I don’t want to hear any more! I don’t know what gets him to do these things! I tried so HARD to teach him the right plan! [ she sinks onto her couch and cries ] Now it’s come to this! I don’t know what I’m going to do!

[ suddenly, Coach Lewis enters the house ]

Coach Curtis Lewis: [ angered ] What are you guys doing here?!

Bill: We came because we CARE!

Team: Yeah!!

Mrs. Lewis: They’ve been telling me… what you have been UP to, Son! Why is that you always hurt everyone around you?! Sometimes I’m ASHAMED to be your mother! [ she begins to cry ]

Coach Curtis Lewis: Mom… is it because I’m Black?

Mrs. Lewis: Now, you know that that has NOTHING to do with it! It’s because you’re a BAD BOY, that’s why! A bad boy… [ she cries harder ]

Coach Curtis Lewis: Really? Gosh. All my life, I’ve always thought… that everyone hated me because I was Black.

Bill: Would we be here if we hated you? [ he rubs the coach’s head ]

Tom: Yeah! We want to win that big game tomorrow night against The Visitors!

Team: Yeah!!

Coach Curtis Lewis: [ touched ] This really turns things around. I feel like a great chip… has been lifted from my shoulder.

Mrs. Lewis: Ohhhh, you’ve got it, Son! Now RUN with it!

Coach Curtis Lewis: [ excited ] Come on, you guys! We haven’t got much time! We gotta practice dribbling and passing and staying in bounds!

Bill: Come on! Let’s go!

[ the team rushes out of Mrs. Lewis’ house ]

Mrs. Lewis: My son!

Coach Curtis Lewis: MOMMA!!

[ they hug ]

Mrs. Lewis: Oh, Son…

[ dissolve to stock footage of the big game ]

Announcer: It’s Visitors, 99; Davidson, 98! It looks like it’s gonna come down to one last shot! Davidson scores the ball like a well-oiled machine! Coach Lewis really deserves a lot of credit for turning this team around! Here’s the shot! It’s tiptoeing in! He made it! [ buzz! ] The game’s over, and Davidson wins 100 to 99!

[ dissolve to locker room, as the team rushes in carrying Coach Lewis in their arms ]

Coach Curtis Lewis: Hey, hey! THIS… is the GREATEST day of my life!

[ Mrs. Crane enters ]

Mrs. Crane: Nice game, team!

Bill: Thank you, Mrs. Crane! Hey! Now what do you think of Coach Lewis?

Mrs. Crane: He’s fired.

Team: What?! For what?

Coach Curtis Lewis: But I don’t understand. I paid back all the money I stole. I flushed a POUND of heroin down the toilet and turned in my drug contact. I won the respect of my team, and led them to victory. And now you tell me… I’m fired. Why?

Mrs. Crane: Because you’re Black. [ a beat ] Just kidding!

[ everyone stands up and laughs themselves into a fake freeze-frame ]

[ SUPER: “The writers of The Black Shadow wish to acknowledge their debt to scripts from the following shows:

Mr. Novak
Lucas Tanner
Room 222
The Paper Chase
Welcome Back Kotter ” ]

Jingle:
“He fails, not because he’s colored
but because he’stroubled and bewildered.
The team cares about him because only they
know his background.

He’s the Black Shadow.
He’s a coach in trouble.
He’s the Black Shadowwwww!”

[ SUPER: “coming up next… Bolivia Newton-John” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 3

79c: Bill Russell / Chicago

Mr. Bill Stays Home

(Scene opens at Mr. Bill’s House with Miss Sally carrying a tray of milk and cookies and Spot near a record player.)

Miss Sally: Uh kids, you’re a little early today. Mr. Bill’s not here. He’s upstairs. Mr. Bill, will you come down? The kids are here.

Mr. Bill: (coming down the stairs) Ho ho kiddies! Hey! Oh boy, are we going to have fun today because we’re all going to stay home. Yaaaay! Oh, Miss Sally’s got milk and cookies and Spot’s going to play some records for us and oh! (sees Mr. Hands out the window and ringing the doorbell) Uh oh. Uh say kids, that’s probally Mr. Hands. Let’s pretend like we’re not here and he’ll go away. (Spot hides underneath a table. Mr. Hands knocks harder until he crushes Miss Sally with the door.) Ohhhhhhh! Oh Miss Sally!

Mr. Hands: Oh there you are Mr. Bill. Everybody’s been waiting at the studio for you to start your show.

Mr. Bill: Oh well I have a cold today. I’m not coming in so see you later.

Mr. Hands: Oh you’re sick? I better stay and help you get better. I know some great home remedies.

Mr. Bill: Oh no, that’s okay. You can go now. I’ll be fine.

Mr. Hands: (With a bottle of 1,000 asprins) First, doctors say you need plenty of asprin. (pours the entire bottle on Mr. Bill knocking him down the stairs.)

Mr. Bill: No but I don’t have a headache. No, ohhhhhhhhhh! Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: Also they say you need lots of rest. (places Mr. Bill on the couch) Say, why don’t you lie on the couch.

Mr. Bill: Ok, but that’s fine Mr. Hands. You can go now. Bye!

Mr. Hands: But you need to keep warm. (Brings a pot of boiling hot water and a hot water bottle) Hey, maybe this hot water bottle will help. (pours the hot water into the bottle over Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: No wait, it has holes in it. Oh wait, stop it! No wait, ohhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Oh Mr. Bill, you’re all wet. We better cover up (places an electric blanket on Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: No wait, that’s my electric blanket! Don’t pull it (Mr. Hands pulls a switch and Mr. Bill is electrocuted) Ohhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: You look mighty pale Mr. Bill. I better take your temperature. (sticks a thermomter in Mr. Bill’s mouth and takes it out.)

Mr. Bill: No wait no mmmmmmmmmm, ohhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Gee, a hundred and six degrees! Oh gee, I better take your pulse. (squeezes Mr. Bill’s arm off.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, I don’t have a pulse, no wait no. Ohhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Oh, really thin. I better get the doctor (Brings Doctor Sluggo in)

Mr. Bill: Oh no! He’s no doctor, he just wants to be mean!

Mr. Hands: Sure he’s Doctor Sluggo. And he says there’s a draft in here. We better build up the fire. I’ll make some firewood. (chops up the table where Spot was hiding under with an axe.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, Spot! Oh no!

Mr. Hands: Here, this should warm things up. (tosses the table into the fireplace. The fire quickly starts spreading through the house.) Uh oh!

Mr. Bill: Oh wait. The house is on fire! Get me out, Mr. Hands! Get me out of here!

Mr. Hands: (Spray a fire extinguisher on Mr. Bill) Oh no. The fire extinguisher’s empty. We’ll have to try to escape. Out the window, Mr. Bill! (Tosses Mr. Bill out the window, breaking it.)

Mr. Bill: No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

(Cut to an outside shot of Mr. Bill’s house burning.)

Mr. Hands: We’ll see you next time when Mr. Bill reads his insurance policy. Bye Bye!

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 3

79c: Bill Russell / Chicago

Bill Russell’s Monologue

…..Bill Russell

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Bill Russell!

Bill Russell: Thank you! You know, it’s really a pleasure for me being here tonight, because I’m hosting my favorite show — “Saturday Night Live”. [ the audience cheers ] And, you know, I’ve been here all week. This may be live, but it’s not unrehearsed. Uh — I’ve been here all week, and I’ve watched them put the show together, and what it’s all about… is teamwork. In fact, a successful television show is not that different from a successful basketball team — everyone has to work together to make the best show possible. Yuo see, the writers — they bring up these ideas, and they pass them on to the producers… and they hand them off to the director… and then they pass it back to the actors, and they try to score points with them. But, uh — like any team… you GOT to have the guy in the middle. The big fellow! The money man! Well, see, on show… that guy is.. the host [ he points to himself, as the audience cheers ] If the host is on… then the show is dynamite. But if the host has a bad night… this show goes in the toilet. [ he smiles ]

Well, I’m gonna tell you how I feel tonight. This is gonna be the BEST comedy show… I’ve ever done! So, if you into betting… take this show and give 5 points. And we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 3

79c: Bill Russell / Chicago

Kennedy in ’80

Campaign Worker #1…..Tom Davis
Campaign Worker #2…..Garrett Morris
Rose Kennedy…..Laraine Newman
Ted Kennedy…..Bill Murray
Dave Powers…..Jim Downey
Joan Kennedy…..Jane Curtin
Background Campaign Workers…..Tom Gammill, Max Pross

[ open on Ted Kennedy campaign rally ]

[ SUPER: “Faneuil Hall Boston — November 7, 1979” ]

Campaign Worker #1: Okay… where the hell is Teddy?!

Campaign Worker #2: I don’t know! He was supposed to be here TWENTY minutes ago!

Rose Kennedy: I’m uh, sure he has a good excuse!

Voice: Here he comes Here he comes!

[ Ted Kennedy runs up on stage, dripping wet with seaweed ]

Campaign Worker #2: Teddy, Teddy! Where have you BEEN, man?!

Ted Kennedy: I — [ he coughs ] I — I — I’m not sure. I — I was in the cahhh —

Campaign Worker #1: Teddy… where’s, uh, Joan?

Ted Kennedy: Uh — I-I’m not sure. We were in the, uh, cahh together and, uh — I, uh — I managed to, uh, get out of the cahh and I think that Joan might, uh, might still be in the cahhh.

Rose Kennedy: Teddy… Teddy, listen to me, this is your mother: Do you know where you are?

Ted Kennedy: In, uh — Boston?

Rose Kennedy: Yes. Do you know why you’re here? [ she pulls seaweed from his clothes ]

Ted Kennedy: Uh — uh, why?

Campaign Worker #2: To announce that you’re gonna run for President of the United States, that’s why!

Ted Kennedy: Is that alright with you, Mother?

Rose Kennedy: Yes, son… it’s alright.

Ted Kennedy: Was it, uh — was it alright with Joan?

Rose Kennedy: Yes — if we knew where she was.

Ted Kennedy: I, uh — I think she’s, uh, still in the cahhh.

Campaign Worker #1: Okay, I don’t think you’re quite ready to go on. [ he approaches the podium ] Uh — uh, excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, we seem to have a few, uh, technical problems, if you’ll just bear with us. In the meantime, uh – [ he looks around ] In the meantime, I’d like to introduce an old close friend of the Kennedy Family — Mr. Dave Powers — [ he pulls Dave Powers forward ] uh, who will share with us a few reminisces of Camelot!

[ the crowd applauds ]

Dave Powers: Thanks. I, uh — I, uh — I recall that, uh, that Jack, he, uh — he loved the sea. Uh — Jack and Bobby, and, uh, Teddy, they, uh — they loved the sea. And I recall Booby and Jack would, uh —

[ return to Ted Kennedy ]

Campaign Worker #2: Where is the car? where is the car, Teddy?

Ted Kennedy: I, uh — I-I-I-I don’t know where the cahh is…

Rose Kennedy: Teddy… listen to me: Where is the cahh…? Try to remember where you left Joan.

[ Ted can’t even fathom a guess, as Joan runs up on stage ]

Campaign Worker #1: Joan! Thank God you’re alright!

Joan Kennedy: [ angry ] Well, of course I’m alright — I was just parking the car! [ to Ted ] Here are the keys, Flipper.

Rose Kennedy: Why are you all wet, Teddy?

Joan Kennedy: [ she sighs ] Well, we were late and stuck in traffic — Teddy panicked, jumped out of the car and swam across Boston Harbor.

Ted Kennedy: That’s, uh — that’s right. I, uh — I must have bumped my head when I dived into the river, and I was in a…. shark… So I guess that’s why I couldn’t tell anyone sooner.

Campaign Worker #2: You think you can make your announcement now, Teddy?

Ted Kennedy: Yeah… yeah, yeah, I’m ready…

Campaign Worker #1: Alright, let’s do it.

[ he approaches the podium, where Dave Powers is still rambling on ]

Dave Powers: …and, uh — I was there in the Oval Office, when Caroline looked at Jack and she said, uh… “Daddy,” she said, uh, “let John-John ride Macaroni!” And, uh —

Campaign Worker #1: [ interrupting ] Thank you very much, Dave Powers.

Dave Powers: Thank you, thank you. I — I — thank you.

[ the crowd applauds ]

Campaign Worker #1: [ psuhing Dave aside ] That’s very touching. Thank you very much. [ to the room ] Uh — ladies and gentlemen… I am honored to introduce the Senator from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts… and the next President of the United States — Edward M. Kennedy!

[ the crowd applauds wildly as Ted approaches the podium surrounded by Rose and Joan ]

[ Ted puts his glasses on and unfolds a tricky piece of paper ]

Ted Kennedy: My fellow Americans… our nation is at a crossroad in history… where a cry for strong, vigorous leadership is heard throughout the land. [ the crowd claps ] Now there are some who would look at my past, and say: “Why?” I… choose to look at my past, and say: “So what?” [ the crowd applauds ] That is why, tonight, I am honored and invigorated to announce: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 3

79c: Bill Russell / Chicago

Goodnights

…..Bill Russell

Bill Russell: Thank you. Good night. I enjoyed being here.

Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Buck Henry with musical guests Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers. Wednesday night, watch NBC’s “Best of Saturday Night Live” — 10 o’clock/9 Mountain and Central. This is your old voice in the wilderness, Don Pardo, saying “Good night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 3

79c: Bill Russell / Chicago

People Losing Money For People

Joe Garagiola…..Harry Shearer

[ open on superimposed photo of a Chrysler ]

[ Joe Garagiola steps into the frame, the Chrysler visible through his body until the kink is worked out in the Control Room ]

Joe Garagiola: I’m Joe Garagiola, with important news for everybody who bought a Chrysler Corporation car during our BIG rebate offer last month! If you haven’t gotten your rebate check yet, please be patient! [ he holds up a financial headline from the newspaper ] The cash to pay those checks will be IN our account just as soon as we sell a few thousand more fine Chrysler autombiles!

Hey! Maybe you need a second car! Or maybe a recreational vehicle! Well, NOW’S the time to deal! Because the cash you pay on the SECOND car… goes RIGHT into the fund to pay the rebate on the first! [ he holds up a check ] Yep! The more Chrysler Corporation cars you buy, the SOONER you get your rebate! And, to make the deal even sweeter — Chrysler Corporation will give you a promissary note for a discout ON the second car! [ he holds up a promissary note ] And that’s as good as cash, as soon as we pay off our back taxes.

So don’t wait until you may have to get your rebate from the bankruptcy referee! Get down to your dealer now and check it out! Just don’t cash it!

[ SUPER: “PEOPLE LOSING MONEY FOR PEOPLE” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts