Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

The Nerds In The Hospital

Grant Robinson…..Garrett Morris
Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner
Todd DiLamuca…..Bill Murray
Charles Knerlman…..Steve Martin
Enid Loopner…..Jane Curtin
Nurse…..Garrett Morris

[ open on interior, Hospital – a knock at the door, as Grant Robinson enters ]

Grant Robinson: Hello? Hello? Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: Coming!!

[ a toilet flushes offscreen, then Lisa enters from the bathroom ]

Lisa Loopner: Hi!

Grant Robinson: Hi. You remember me? I met you at the Science Fair?

Lisa Loopner: Oh, that’s right! You had the booth, “Fun With Friction”!

Grant Robinson: Yeah.

Lisa Loopner: Well, it’s really nice of you to come and visit me at the hospital, considering I can’t even remember your name.

Grant Robinson: Oh! I’m… Grant Robinson, Jr., from High Temple High. My mother works here at the hospital. My books are out there. I come to do my homework here.

Lisa Loopner: Oh! Thanks, Grant!

[ Mrs. Loopner enters the room ]

Mrs. Loopner: Hi, Lisa!

Lisa Loopner: Hi, Mom! [ she climbs into bed ]

Mrs. Loopner: [ looking at Grant ] Oh, Lisa — why don’t you introduce me to your nice, young, Negro friend?

Grant Robinson: Uh, uh — I’m Grant Robinson, Jr., ?? High. Uh, my mother works in the hospital.

Mrs. Loopner: [ she laughs ] Doesn’t Lisa look well?

Grant Robinson: Uhh — what’s she got?

Lisa Loopner: Oh, it’s just a stupid deviated septum! They’re gonna operate on me tomorrow! They just need to move this little bit of cartilege in my nose!

Grant Robinson: Oh, would it, uh, change the way you speak?

Lisa Loopner: I hope not!

Grant Robinson: Well, uh — you wouldn’t want to buy any chocolate to support our baseball team, the Blue Devils, would you?

Lisa Loopner: Uhhh — no thanks, Grant!

Grant Robinson: I didn’t think so! Uh, well — gotta go. See ya!

[ Grant exits the room ]

Lisa Loopner: Bye!

Mrs. Loopner: Lisa? Will you be all right alone for a minute? I just want to get a cup of that delicious hospital cafeteria coffee!

Lisa Loopner: Sure, Mom! I’ll see you later!

[ Mrs. Loopner exits the room ]

[ Lisa sits on the hospital bed blowing her nose, as Todd enters with his eyes covered ]

Todd DiLamuca: Guess who?

Lisa Loopner: Oh! Um.. John Travolta?

Todd DiLamuca: Oh, you’re getting warm..

Lisa Loopner: Oh, Paul Michael Glazer?

Todd DiLamuca: Oh you’re boiling hot now!

Lisa Loopner: Oh I know.. Mork!

Todd DiLamuca: The poor child is delirious, she no longer recognizes the velvet touch of the always fabulous, never less than sensational Todd DiLamuca!

Lisa Loopner: Oh. Hi, Todd.

Todd DiLamuca: How are you feeling, Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: Oh, I’m feeling fine.

Todd DiLamuca: Go on, ask me how I’m feeling.

Lisa Loopner: Okay, how are you feeling?

Todd DiLamuca: [ grabs Lisa’s chest ] With my hands!

Lisa Loopner: Cut it out, cut it out!

Todd DiLamuca: Oh, my God, you’ve had your busts removed! If that’s your hope chest, keep hoping, Lisa.

Lisa Loopner: Oh, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh!

Todd DiLamuca: Oh, oh, here comes the noogie ambulance! [ starts to pound Lisa’s head ] Here’s those special get well noogies – don’t worry, my dear, these have all been sterilized! What a tragedy!

Lisa Loopner: [ hits Todd with pillow ] Cut it out, Pizzaface!

[ the door knocks, Charles Knerlman enters ]

Lisa Loopner: Come in.. whoa.. [ lies down and begins to look ill ]

Todd DiLamuca: Oh no, its Chaz “The Spaz” Knerlman!

Charles Knerlman: How’s it hanging, Pizzaface?

Todd DiLamuca: Wouldn’t you like to know.

Charles Knerlman: Why don’t you put an egg in your shoe, and beat it! Lisa, I would’ve been here sooner, but I was out buying these expensive gifts – these flowers, these expensive chocolates, and this record, “Marvin Hamlish Does it to Marvin Hamlish”.

Lisa Loopner: Oh, thank you, Charles. This is the happiest day of my life.. [ begins to feel sorry for herself] ..and even if it is cut tragically short by illness..

Charles Knerlman: And here’s a greeting card I thoughtfully made you with my own two hands.

Lisa Loopner: [ reads card out loud ] “Dear Lisa, to a great gal with a deviated septum, she won a friend and always kept ’em, finest regards from that friend, Charles Knerlman.”

Charles Knerlman: President of the Science Club!

[ Todd pretends to be sick ]

Lisa Loopner: Oh, it’s beautiful, Charles!

Todd DiLamuca: Oh, Lisa, I forgot to give you my gift. Here’s a buck, I forgot to wrap it!

Lisa Loopner: [ sarcastically ] Gee, thanks, Todd!

Charles Knerlman: So, how are you, Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: Well, the doctors don’t know for sure, but don’t worry, I believe in reincarnation!

Charles Knerlman: Oh, you’re so brave, Lisa. You remind me of me!

Lisa Loopner: Oh, Charles, how is our school? I so miss learning!

Charles Knerlman: Don’t worry, Lisa, ’cause I considerately brought you all you homework assignments for the next two weeks in advance.

Todd DiLamuca: Wait a minute.. I thought I was bringing you your homework! But I guess you wont be needing it, now you’re getting it somewhere else!

Lisa Loopner: It’s not what you think, Todd!

Charles Knerlman: Anyways, it’s none of your beeswax!

Todd DiLamuca: Why don’t you shut up, Spazalopolis! Shame on you, Lisa, taking homework from two guys and never letting either one know where it’s really at!

Lisa Loopner: [ dramatic ] Oh, Charles, would you help me sit up? I would like to see the sunset for one last time.

Charles Knerlman: Certainly!

Todd DiLamuca: I’ll do that! [ grabs the end of the bed ]

Charles Knerlman: I got it! [ plays with the remote ]

Lisa Loopner: Aggghhh! Watch it, Todd! [ she becomes trapped between the bending mattress ]

Todd DiLamuca: I have it, Knerlman!

Lisa Loopner: Stop it!

Charles Knerlman: I got it, I got it! [ stops and takes Todd’s pencil pocket protector ]

Todd DiLamuca: Hey, give me back that pencil pocket protector!

Charles Knerlman: [ stabs it with his pencil ] Here’s what I think of your stupid, dumb pocket protector, you stupid, dumb nerd! [ takes a pencil and tries to snap it, Todd snatches it and snaps it for him ]

Todd DiLamuca: Well, I see you don’t play by the rules, Knerlman. Well, neither do I! Say.. what’s that? [ points at his vest ]

Charles Knerlman: What’s what?

Todd DiLamuca: Ha! [ grabs his vest and pulls it over his head, then throws him onto the bed with Lisa and jumps on them ]

Hee ya! Hee ya!!

Lisa Loopner: Stop it, Todd!

[ Todd continues, as Mrs. Loopner enters ]

Mrs. Loopner: Hi, kids! ..oohhhh! [ Todd and Charles jump up ]

Todd & Charles: Hell-o, Mrs. Loop-ner..

Mrs. Loopner: Forty lashes with a wet noodle for you two young men. [ fixes the bed ]

Lisa Loopner: Thanks, Mom!

[ Nurse Robinson enters ]

Nurse: Well, visiting hours are over, you’re going to have to leave now, its time to go.

Charles Knerlman: Good luck with the operation tomorrow, Lisa.

Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Charles!

Todd DiLamuca: Yeah, I sincerely hope that the doctors hand doesn’t slip and you end up with a deviated face!

Lisa Loopner: Well, if I die, I’m donating my organs to science and my skin to you, Pizzaface! [ flicks his face ]

Charles Knerlman: Goodnight, ladies.. and boys! [ Todd chases him out ]

Mrs. Loopner: Now, Lisa, get some sleep and don’t be scared. When you wake up, I’ll be in the recovery room with bells on.

Lisa Loopner: I’m not scared, Mom. [ hugs her, then Mrs. Loopner exits ] Hey, are you Mrs. Robinson?

Nurse: Yes, Honey.

Lisa Loopner: I know your son Grant. He’s somewhere in the building.

Nurse: I know you do, dear. Now, get some sleep. You have a big day ahead of you!

Lisa Loopner: Goodnight, Mrs. Robinson.

Nurse: Goodnight, dear. [ exits and turns out the light ]

[ Lisa waits until she leaves, then gets up and switches on the light and gets her teddy bear. She hops into bed, breathing heavily, and goes to sleep ]

[ camera pulls back, with SUPER: “did you know… That Billy the Kid’s real name was William the Youth” ]

[ fade out to black ]

Submitted by: Rebecca Green

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin
…..Bill Murray

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Steve Martin!

[ as the audience cheers, Steve casually walks down to Home Base with a vise on his head and acts as though he is unaware of its presence ]

Steve Martin: Ladies and gentlemen, I have to be honest with you. Uh — I do not feel well tonight. [ laughter ] I woke up this morning with a splitting headache. [ laughter ] It was as though my… head were in a vise. [ he clamps his his fingers as the audience laughs ] I thought it would go away — it hasn’t. I took some aspirin — it did nothing. But I decided to continue with the show anyway. [ he looks offscreen ] Pardon me, what? [ a beat ] There’s a clamp on my head? [ confusion turns to relief, as Steve laughs cheerfully and removes the vise from his head ] Aw, those “Saturday Night” people! They didn’t even tell me! I went through make-up and everything, and nobody said a word!

[ he drops the vise to the floor, then turns serious ]

I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, Oh… I’ll bet he’s on drugs.” [ laughter ] Well, I’ll be honest with you: I used to smoke… marijuana! [ he covers his face in mock shame ] But I would only smoke it… in the late evening. Oh, occasionally, the early evening, or mid-evening. But that was it — the late evening, the early evening, or mid-evening, but that was it, I — ohhh, occasionally, the early morning… or, oh, the mid-morning… maybe the late morning… or, occasionally, the early-mid-late morning! Or, sometimes, the mid-early morning, or… oh, the late afternoon! Sometimes, the mid-early-late afternoon! Never at DUSK! NOOOOOO, I would never smoke it at dusk! Oh, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!!! Because that’s when the little FAT men would come! And they would DO things to me! They’d go: [he bounces his fingers forward ] “Whoa-oa! Who-oa!” And I LIKED it! [ he laughs wildly ]

[ seriously ] But I quit that! I’ve quit ALL drugs. Well… let me say one thing: I twisted my ankle this morning, and I was in quite a bit of pain… so I went to the doctor, and I asked him to give me some pain pills. And he didn’t want to do it, but I talked him into it. So he gave me some pills — and I shouldn’t have done this, but I took some about an hour before the show tonight, and right now… I am high… as a KITE! [ audience cheers ] I mean, it is unbelievable! And I would NEVER say this to you people, but, in this case: if you EVER get a chance, to take these drugs… DO IT! They’re called… [ he glances from side-to-side cautiously ] Placebos! I mean, I’m thinking that right now I have NO idea where I am at all! It is WILD! Placebo!

You know, last time I was on this show, I did a little comedy routine with Bill Murray, and, uh, it worked out pretty well, a little Comedy Pickpocket kind of thing. This time, we decided to do another routine. He’s a great man, let’s bring him out. BILL MURRAY!!

[ Bill Murray rushes out ]

Without sounding corny, Bill is really an artist. He’s an actor, and it’s fun to work with someone with ths kind of knowledge of show business. Bill, take a bow. [ Bill bows gracefully, the audience applauds, and Steve rewards him by placing a cracker in his mouth ] Bill, it’s really a pleasure working with you.

Bill Murray: It’s great working with you, too, Steve.

Steve Martin: Shake. [ he extends his hand ]

[ Bill shakes Steve’s hand, and is promptly rewarded with another cracker ]

Steve Martin: Bill, uh — today is November 4th, and I’ll be going on a promotional tour for my new album until November 18th. How many days is that?

Bill Murray: 14.

Steve Martin: And how many weeks?

Bill Murray: Two weeks!

[ Steve rewards Bill with another tasty cracker ]

Steve Martin: Bill, I didn’t bring my banjo with me tonight, and I’m sure the people would love to hear some music. Uh — what’s one of your favorite songs?

Bill Murray: “Mary Had a Little Lamb.”

Steve Martin: Oh, that’s a good tune, uh, maybe you could play it for us a little bit?

[ Steve motions to a stagehand, who brings in a horn set-up like seals play in zoos ]

Bill Murray: S-sure… I’d love to.

[ Bill honks out the tunes with his hand, one note at a time, in a very awkward manner ]

Steve Martin: That’s great, Bill. [ he feeds Bill another cracker ]

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Steve Martin: Bill — Bill, do you think you’d be able to jump through a hoop?

Bill Murray: Sure.

Steve Martin: Okay! Come on out here! [ a stagehand brings in a hoop ] Let’s give it a try and see what happens. [ Steve sets the hoop on fire ]

[ Bill hesitates for a moment, then dives headfirst through the blazing hoop with great success, even to his own amazement; the audience goes wild ]

Steve Martin: That’s great! Bill Murray! [ he holds his gaze with the audience; there is no cracker for Bill ] Well, that’s our comedy routine, I think it went real well, and it’s just a real pleasure for me to come back and work with the people at “Saturday Night”. We’ve got a big show ahead of us. [ Bill indicates to the audience that he expects a cracker ] And, uh, I’m anxious to get on with it, because “Saturday Night”‘s a special show for me. I like working with the people, and I like — you know, ALL the people are such great performers, and when we’re together it’s like a rapport. [ Bill tries to peek inside Steve’s pocket, in search of a cracker ] And that’s what I think is fun, is when you have this — [ he gives Bill a dirty look for digging in his pocket ] And, uh — you know, we have a lot of funny things to do tonight, a lot of — [ Bill peeks inside Steve’s upper pocket, as Steve gives him a dirty glance ] And a lot of single pieces, uh, we’ve got music — Van Morrison’s special guest, he’s fabulous, and, uh — [ Bill moves to Steve’s other side, still in search of crackers ] Actually, being on this show is a real thrill, and that’s — that’s what — [ Bill peeks inside Steve’s pocket, to Steve’s annoyance ] Bill! Bill, come on, you don’t get a cracker for this part. I don’t have enough.

Bill Murray: Steve, where’s the cracker? Come on!

Steve Martin: I’m sorry, Bill — we can’t give a cracker after each routine. I mean, that gets to be very expensive.

Bill Murray: We’ve been rehearsing this bit all week long, and every time I jumped through the hoop, you gave me a cracker.

Steve Martin: I’m sorry. We just can’t give a cracker in these kind of acts after each time. It looks like you’re only doing it for the cracker.

Bill Murray: Well, listen, Steve. I’ve never operated on anything but a handshake in this busines, you know? I jumped through the hoop on Monday, you gave me a cracker. Tuesday, I did it again; you gave me another cracker. Wednesday, we didn’t rehearse; I didn’t get a cracker. Thursday and Friday, we did it four times: cracker, cracker, cracker, cracker!

Steve Martin: Well, Bill, I’m sorry. We just can’t give a cracker out each time. I’m sorry, we just can’t do it. [ he turns to the audience ] Ladies and gentlemen —

Bill Murray: Well, maybe I’ll just tell… Jane and Garret and Dan there’s not gonna be a cracker after the show tonight.

Steve Martin: [ nervously ] Come on! You wouldn’t do that!

Bill Murray: I mean, maybe they won’t do the show.

Steve Martin: [ hyperventilating ] Y-y-y-y-you wouldn’t DARE do that!

Bill Murray: Steve. I’m gonna call your bluff. Either you give me a cracker… or I go back to the dressing rooms and spill my guts.

[ Steve hyperventilates more and grits his teeth in disgust ]

[ at last, Steve reaches into his pocket and thrusts a cracker in Bill’s mouth ]

[ Bill chews the cracker triumphantly ]

Bill Murray: Thanks for the cracker, Steve.

[ Bill exits the stage ]

Steve Martin: Ladies and gentlemen, if I’m gonna have to give a cracker out after each routine tonight, uh, to every member of the cast… this changes things a little bit for me, financially. Uh, I’m gonna have to think about this… and we may or may not be back after this commercial.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

Goodnights

…..Steve Martin

[ return from final bumper to find Steve seated at the final sketch’s table, with Gilda seated beside him and the other cast members standing behind them ]

Steve Martin: We’ll finish this sketch on the next show I’m on, in February! We had a technical problem tonight. Thanks for being here, we’ll see you later!

[ zoom out, roll credits ]

[ Dan Aykroyd brings a menu back to the table and begins to do the King Tut dance for Steve ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

The Festrunks at the Bar

Male Patron…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Female Patron (background)…..Rosie Shuster
Gayle…..Gilda Radner
Debbie…..Laraine Newman
Linda…..Jane Curtin
Bartender…..Bill Murray
Glenn Johnson…..John Belushi
Yortuk Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd
Georg Festrunk…..Steve Martin
Second Male Patron…..Tom Davis

[ open on interior, singles bar, as Male Patron exits with an unknown woman, as Gayle, Debbie, and Linda enter the bar ]

Gayle: Hey, Debbie — this looks like a great place. It’s quiet and not too crowded.

Debbie: Yeah, you know, they really fixed it up! I mean, it used to be a blarney stone, you know? One of those Irish roast beef and whiskey bars?

Linda: [ smiling ] I really like that bartender!

[ they approach the bar ]

Bartender: Hi, girls. Welcome to Mixers. What can I get ya’?

Gayle: Uh — whiskey sour.

Debbie: Gin fizz.

Linda: Rusty Nail.

Bartender: Sour, Fizz, and a Nail. [ he snaps his fingers and retreats ]

[ Glenn Johnson leans into the bar ]

Glenn Johnson: Excuse me, ladies, uh — can you help me with a little “problem” that I have?

Gayle: Yeah. What is it?

Glenn Johnson: Well, you see, I’m on a LARGE company expense tab this week, and if I spend less than fifty bucks tonight, they’re gonna start cutting me! So, uhhh — I’m gonna have to buy you girls a drink, huh?

Linda: Thanks, but, uh, no thanks.

Glenn Johnson: Hey, you’re not gonna get off THAT easy! I’ll be back! [ he retreats to the main floor ]

Debbie: God, I hope we do better than him tonight.

[ the bartender returns with their drinks ]

Bartender: Ah, relax. He’s probably from out of town, probably read about the place. Don’t worry — our hip crowd hasn’t come in yet.

Gayle: Thanks.

Bartender: Sure thing.

[ the girls take a table ]

[ suddenly, Georg and Yortuk Festrunk swing into the place ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Hi, Ted! Get off my back!

Georg Festrunk: Eat my dust!

Bartender: How ’bout it? Can I get you men on something?

George Festrunk: That’s YOUR problem! ONE… is PLEN-TY!

Bartender: How ’bout a couple of brewskis, fellas?

George Festrunk: Don’t MENTION it!

Yortuk Festrunk: Hey, Ted! I’m telling you something now: all night we have cruised the FOX bars, and, yet, NO chicks will agree to SWING with us!

George Festrunk: They were frightened, by our BUL-GES!

Bartender: You sure it’s the bulges, and not those hats?

Yortuk Festrunk: [ confused ] Hats? We brought them WITH us!

George Festrunk: AND! Our tooth-brush-es!

Bartender: Toothbrushes?

George Festrunk: We have many toiletry articles in travel kit, that we carry with us, all the time!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ showing off his case ] You see, this prepares us for a night at any given fox’s pad!

Bartender: Well, I see that you’re fully equipped. [ nodding toward the girls ] There’s three chicks right over there who seem to be available.

Together: FOX-ESSSSS!!!

[ they brush their teeth and swing forward ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Pardon me for a moment, but here’s something: I’m Yortuk Festrunk, and this is my brother Georg. We’re two swinging guys, who enjoy doing many things, and, can COME ON to you now!

George Festrunk: We are… TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!!

Yortuk Festrunk: Well! In order for you to see how swinging we are in America, we must have a swinging rap session here at the bar! So, tell us your names!

Debbie: Uh — I’m Debbie.

Gayle: I-I’m Gayle.

Linda: Linda.

George Festrunk: Clean up your act!

Yortuk Festrunk: Catch you la-ter! [ they laugh at themselves ] Well… Debbie, Gayle, Linda… now that we know your names, let us start a swinging rap session!

George Festrunk: Tell me, Debbie: when you have sex… are you LOUD?

Yortuk Festrunk: LIN-DA! Do you make many NOIS-ES?

Linda: [ aghast ] Excuse me! But, what RIGHT do you guys have to ask us PERSONAL questinos like that?!

[ Glenn Johnson muscles forward ]

Glenn Johnson: Hey, are these guys bothering you?

Linda: Oh, great — our hero.

Yortuk Festrunk: Hi, Swinger! Why don’t you buy a drink for yourself, and enjoy it?

Glenn Johnson: The name’s Glenn Johnson! I don’t like your tone!

George Festrunk: Tone?! COUNT ME IN, Glenn!

Glenn Johnson: Okay, buddy, it’s GO time! [ he whips off his sunglasses ] Let’s go! Come on!

Yortuk Festrunk: Hey, GO TIME!

George Festrunk: Oh, boy!

Yortuk Festrunk: It will be a PARTY tonight, Glenn!

[ Glenn shoves Georg, as the Bartender steps forward and grabs Glenn’s shoulder ]

Bartender: Okay, why don’t you just go outside, okay?

Glenn Johnson: Hey! They were bothering the —

[ Glenn is muscled outside ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Hey, goodbye, Glenn!

George Festrunk: You swinging American! [ they laugh, then return their interests to the girls ] So, Debbie… perhaps you have many electrical devices that you use for SEX!

Yortuk Festrunk: We have, now, a vibrating machine, that we brought from Czechoslavakia! [ he opens his bag and removes a drill with a feather duster attached to the end ]

George Festrunk: A Communist Party official traded it at market for many fuel coupons!

[ Yortuk cranks up the device from a detonator, as Georg rubs the feather duster against the girls’ faces ]

Debbie: Oh, please turn that thing off! We’ve seen enough! That’s very dangerous!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ not getting it ] So? Aren’t you getting HOT yet?

George Festrunk: You know, Debbie… I have PAID for many women WORSE than you!

Yortuk Festrunk: So! Which —

Debbie: [ annoyed ] That’s nice. Thanks a lot.

Yortuk Festrunk: We have talked long enough! Let us choose partners for SEX!

George Festrunk: Here is something! Look at our SLACKS! It is because of YOU, that our pouches are STRETCHING!

Yortuk Festrunk: Now that we have TALKED, and you have EX-CITE-ED us, you must take us to your PADS, to relieve us!

Gayle: Wait a minute, that’s it! You guys are really ignorant! [ to her friends ] Come on, let’s go.

Linda: Yeah.

Yortuk Festrunk: Wait! Wait! Can’t you see enough of our CHEST hairs?!

George Festrunk: The body odor soap that we use ALL the time, makes our chest hairs very CRIS-PY!

[ the girls stand up and leave ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Bye, FOX-ES!!

George Festrunk: Out. To lunch!

Yortuk Festrunk: I love American fox-es! We could NEVER have this great success with chicks back in Czechoslavakia!

George Festrunk: We must cruise again, to this fox bar! [ he turns to the bartender ] Hey, Ted! You are the LOW-EST! [ they laugh ]

Yortuk Festrunk: [ to a couple sitting down ] Hey, you swing-ers! It’s par-ty time! Why don’t you buy yourselves a drink, and EN-JOY it!

[ they start up their feather duster drill one again, as the scene zooms out, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Acrylic Security Blankets” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

Elvis Presley’s Coat

Black Woman…..Yvonne Hudson

[ Music Open: “Love Me Tender” ]

Announcer: The New Jersey Civic Colisseum is proud to present… appearing live for a limited engagement… Elvis Presley’s Coat!

[ music segues to “Hound Dog” ]

Announcer: Hear the hits of the King, and see the Coat that made him famous.

[ flash shots of the Coat performing “Jailhouse Rock” to a packed crowd ]

Group of Girls: [ being interviewed outside ] It’s sexy! It’s very sexy!

[ Coat shakes while performing “All Shook Up” ]

Old Woman: It’s simply mind-boggling!

Hippie: Uncanny.

Woman: It’s visual.

Man: It was remarkable, I’m gonna have to bring the kids!

Announcer: Said one critic, “It was the closest thing to Elvis himself.”

[ wearing a lei, the Coat performs “Blue Hawaii” ]

Old Man: Wow! The lights!

Second Woman: The sound.

Second Man: I think I’ve seen all of the imitation Coat shows.. but they don’t compare to the real thing.

Announcer: The King may be dead, but the Coat lives on. Engagement begins Tuesday, November 7th.

[ SUPER: “BEGINS TUESDAY, NOV. 7th
New Jersey Civic Coliseum
Tickets Available at Box Office” ]

Black Woman: It’s a trip! You really have to see it.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

A Special Message From the President of the United States

President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: And now, a special message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to Oval Office ]

President Jimmy Carter: Good evening. On Tuesday, we Americans will have the opportunity to exercise our role as citizens in a free democracy. Yet, only a third of the eligible voters will actually cast ballots. The other two-thirds are, in a sense, very lucky. Because they do not know what’s going on.

Last week, I delivered a message on inflation. Since then, the dollar has dropped in value, the stock market has sustained record losses, and the whole sow price index increased 0.9%. In other words, our economic system is screwed, blued and tatooed! We just have to face the fact that there is simply no way to fight inflation in a capitolly-intensive, highly-technological, conflict-riddled, anything-for-a-thrill world of today. That’s why, tonight, I want you to try to look for in inflation, an entirely new word: Inflation is our friend.

For example, consider this: in the year 2000, if current trends continue, the average blue-collar annual wage in this country will be $568,000. Think what this inflated world of the future will mean – most Americans will be millionaires. Everyone will feel like a bigshot. Wouldn’t you like to own a $4,000 suit, and smoke a $75 cigar, drive a $600,000 car? I know I would! But what about people on fixed incomes? They have always been the true victims of inflation. That’s why I will present to Congress the “Inflation Maintenance Program”, whereby the U.S. Treasury will make up anyinflation-caused losses to direct tax rebates to the public in cash. Then you may say, “Won’t that cost a lot of money? Won’t that increase the deficit?” Sure it will! But so what? We’ll just print more money! We have the papers, we have the mints.. I can just call up the Bureau of Engraving and say, “Hi! This is Jimmy. Roll out some of them twenties! Print up a couple thousand sheets of those Century Notes!” Sure, all these dollars will cause even more inflation, but who cares? Everyone will be a millionaire!

In my speech last week, I said that America would have to undergo an austerity program, but since this revolutionary new approach welcomes inflation, our economy will be free to grow, and we can spend, spend, spend! I believe the watchwords for the 80’s should be “Let’s Party!” And in that spirit, I’d like to say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

Looks at Books

…..Jane Curtin
Bob Crawford…..Dan Aykroyd

Jane Curtin: Welcome to “Looks at Books”. I’m Jane Curtin, and we’regoing to talk to the man who’s written this book.. [ holds book up ]..Mauled. Please welcome Bob Crawford. Bob, why Mauled?

Bob Crawford: [ face is severely scarred ] Because there are over 150 people mauled by bears in this country every year. You know, the media has portrayed the bear as kind of a friendly, jovial character – you got Smokey the Bear, Sugar Bear, Yogi Bear, Boo Boo.. The truth is, that bears are very dangerous animals.

Jane Curtin: Well, I haven’t had time to actually read your book, Bob. But what exactly was your main interest in writing Mauled?

Bob Crawford: Jane, I wanted to warn people about the dangers of feeding marshmallows to grizzly bears.

Jane Curtin: Well, I can see here, from the book jacket, that you put a lot of the blame on the National Park Service. You feel that they’re not doing all they can to protect bear attacks?

Bob Crawford: That’s right, and I have some proposals. First of all, there should be signs posted prominently on all national park entrances, saying, “Do Not Ride the Bears”. Secondly, park rangers should warn campers, if they find bear cubs, leave them alone. Don’t try to dress them up in children’s clothes or swimsuits, what have you. It makes a great picture, but you’re just playing with fire. Third – and I want to emphasize – Never Feed a Marshmallow to a grizzly bear like this: [ places a marshmallow in his mouth and poses wantingly ]

Jane Curtin: Well, thank you for being on “Looks at Books”, Bob. Maybe we’ll have you back sometime. Are you planning on writing another book?

Bob Crawford: Gosh, I certainly hope not.

Jane Curtin: This has been Jane Curtin for “Looks at Books”. Good night.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


November 4th, 1978

Steve Martin

Van Morrison

None

None

Anne Beatts

Tom Davis

Brian Doyle-Murray

Al Franken

Rosie Shuster
A Special Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) tries to convince America that inflation can be its friend.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin jokes about drugs, then rewards Bill Murray for doing various stunts for the audience’s amusement.

Transcript

Elvis Presley’s CoatSummary: The King may be dead, but his coat lives on and is a major hit at concert performances.

Transcript

What If?Summary: History professor (Laraine Newman) and flight expert (Garrett Morris) ponder the notion of Elenour Roosevelt (Jane Curtin) flying like a bird during World War 2 combat.

Recurring Characters: Franklin Roosevelt, Elenour Roosevelt.

Theodoric of York: Medieval JudgeRecurring Characters: Theodoric of York, Broom Gilda.

Transcript

Van Morrison performs “Wavelength”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary:

Recurring Characters: Diana Ross.

Transcript

The Festrunks at the BarSummary: Georg (Steve Martin) and Yortuk (Dan Aykroyd) cruise for swinging chicks (Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman, Jane Curtin) at a singles bar.

Recurring Characters: Georg Festrunk, Yortuk Festrunk.

Transcript

Nerds in the HospitalRecurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Charles Knerlman, Mrs. Loopner, Grant Robinson Jr.

Transcript

Looks at BooksTranscript

Van Morrison performs “Kingdom Hall”

Annoying WaiterSummary: A wisecracking waiter (Dan Aykroyd) serves dinner to Steve Martin and Gilda Radner while doing impressions of their characters and routines.

Note: Because the show ran long, this sketch ended abruptly. Steve Martin promises to do the sketch again the next time he hosts, which doesn’t happen because Dan Aykroyd left the show at the end of this season.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 3

78c: Frank Zappa

Woman to Woman

Connie Carson…..Gilda Radner
Mrs. Post…..Jane curtin

[ title card ]

[ Music Over: “I Am Woman” ]

[ dissolve to Connie Carlson laughing with her off-camera guest ]

Connie Carson: Hello! And welcome to “Woman to Woman”! I’m Connie Carson, a young career woman who’s made a career out of talking to women about women and their careers! Today, I’m talking to a woman who, unlike me, does NOT have a career! Who is, in fact, what has so often been called… a mere housewife! Or, as they say in French — a mere managier! Or, as they say in German — a mere hausefrau! I’d like you to meet Mrs. Henry Post! Well, Henry —

Mrs. Post: [ laughing ] No! No, that’s my husband’s name!

Connie Carson: Oh! [ they share the laugh ] Mrs. Post! Uh — here’s a question on the lips of every single woman over 30 years old in America today. They’re asking: “What’s it like to be married?”

Mrs. Post: Well… physically, spiritually — being married is the ultimate. It’s the pinnacle of what a human being can become. Of course, unless you’ve experienced it for yourself — unless you’ve been happily married, in a good relationship, as I have, with someone who loves you as much as my husband loves me — you couldn’t possibly know the… joy! [ she smiles brightly ]

Connie Carson: [ laughing uncomfortably ] Well, let’s backtrack here for a moment, Mrs. Post — how long have you been married?

Mrs. Post: Ohhhh… let’s see. Time flies so fast when you’re happy. Uhh — five years!

Connie Carson: Five years.

Mrs. Post: Yeah!

Connie Carson: Five long years. [ sadistically ] Do you ever regret your decision to commit to ONE person for an ENTIRE lifetime?

Mrs. Post: Oh! Never! Never, never, never, never, never… [ she laughs ] You know, someone like you, someone who’s all alone, uhh — couldn’t possibly understand, but… I an only tell you that being married is probably the most wonderful thing that a peson can experience!

Connie Carson: [ gritting her teeth behind her smile ] But, Mrs. Post, don’t you feel there’s a whole WEALTH of experience and careers that you’re missing by TOTAL committment to a marriage?

Mrs. Post: [ she shakes her head ] No.

Connie Carson: [ uncomfortably ] Well — Mrs. Post, do you still have your wedding dress?

Mrs. Post: Yes, I do! [ she laughs ]

Connie Carson: Don’t you think it was a waste to buy a dress that you only used one day?

Mrs. Post: I — I’ve worn it since.

Connie Carson: You had it dyed?

Mrs. Post: No, no — it was off-white.

Connie Carson: Oh! [ she laughs uncomfortably ] Well, you must have had to return A LOT of wedding gifts?

Mrs. Post: Oh, strangely enough, there were NO duplications!

Connie Carson: Really? [ desperately trying to bait Mrs. Post ] Well, you must STILL be answering those Thank-You notes! You must have a lot of those to answer!

Mrs. Post: Well, I think I answered them all, but if there’s anyone I left out, can I take this opportunity to thank them? [ she faces the camera ] Thank you all SO much for the gifts, AND for the anniversary ones as well! Thank you! [ she laughs pleasantly ]

Connie Carson: Uhhh — you know, everyone, tomorrow, October 22nd, is Mother-in-Law Day! [ she laughs sadistically ] I myself, a single woman with a career, don’t have to worry about that! What are you doing about Mother-in-Law Day?

Mrs. Post: You know, my mother-in-law and I get along SO well. She calls me with recipes, I call her with remedies for certain illnesses. There’s a wealth of information being exchanged between two women who love each other.

Connie Carson: [ laughing more uncomfortably than ever ] Laundry! What about his dirty, filthy socks?

Mrs. Post: Oh! [ she laughs ] Sorting socks in a point of meditation for me!

Connie Carson: [ annoyed ] Mrs. Post, have you ever gotten up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and the toilet seat is UP?!

Mrs. Post: [ she laughs joyously ] Having grown up in a family with SIX brothers, I ALWAYS check before I sit!

Connie Carson: Come on! Come on, Mrs. Post — after five years, has the romance gone out of your marriage? I mean, no bells are ringing, are they?

Mrs. Post: Let me tell you a little story that happened on my birthday. I was at home, my husband was at home with me, the doorbell rang, and a man appeared at the door with a black coat and a little black cap, and he said, “Mrs. Post, I’m here to take you and your husband on your little trip.” Well, I had no idea. So we went, and we got in the car and we drove up to Connecticut to this BEAUTIFUL inn — it was built about 1810 — and we had a delightful dinner. A wonderful dinner, with wine. Then, we went up to a room, and it was beautifully appointed with antiques and there was a HUGE four-poster bed with wildflowers on the bed table. A blazing fire in the fireplace, and we sat in front of the fire and had hot toddies, and then a GLORIOUS night of passion.

Connie Carson: [ stung ] Was there a bathroom in the room?

Mrs. Post: No. It was down the hall.

Connie Carson: [ pleased at this inconvenience ] Oh. So you had to walk down the hall to the bathroom. [ she smirks ]

Mrs. Post: No. He carried me.

Connie Carson: You see? He had to CARRY her down the hall to the bathroom. THAT’S what married life is, being carried down the hall to the bathroom instead of walking on your own two feet! I’m afraid that’s all the time we have on “Woman to Woman”. I’m Connie Carson, a young career woman who’s made a career out of talking to women about women and their careers! Join us next week, when I’ll be talking to Gloria Steinem, about glasses frames and how to choose them!

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 3

78c: Frank Zappa

NBC’s New Image

Fred Silverman … John Belushi

[Seated at his desk, NBC president Fred Silverman,wearing a suit and tie, addresses the camera.]

Fred Silverman: Good evening, I’m Fred Silverman. LastJune, when I became president of NBC, I vowed thatthis network would undergo significant changes toreflect what you, the American TV viewer, wanted tosee. In the four months since I’ve been its president,NBC has undertaken the most extensive researchcampaign in the history of television. The resultsindicated that you, the American TV viewer, wantsomething different, a new look — a new look with newfaces. [holds up reams of computer paper] And,surprisingly, in all our data — the Trendex,Arbitron, and Nielsen surveys — all arrows pointed toone person. Over and over again, one man’s name cameup. And that man’s name … is Frank Zappa. [Cheersand applause.] Quite frankly – quite frankly, no onewas more surprised, you know, as I was. I thought it’dbe Tony Orlando. Personally, I stopped following Zappaafter his Mothers Live at the Fillmore album.Although, that burrito thing still makes me laugh.[laughs, quickly recovers] But the American peoplespoke and NBC listened. And I am proud to announcethat we have signed Frank Zappa to a long-term,exclusive contract … [holds up a contract with agigantic “FRANK ZAPPA” signature scribbled across thebottom – cheers and applause] … with the NationalBroadcasting Company. And you’ll be NBCeeing a lot ofFrank. Hey, and I’m not CBSing you, either. Yes, theentire NBC star-making machinery is behind FrankZappa. This January, he’ll be starring in his ownsituation comedy as a high school basketball coach on”The Zappa Wonders.” And here tonight, to unveil NBC’snew look, Frank Zappa! Live from New York, it’sSaturday Night!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts