Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 12
Jonah Hill’s Monologue
…..Jonah Hill
Female Audience Member…..Noël Wells
Male Audience Member…..John Milhiser
Brad Pitt…..Taran KIllam
…..Leonardo DiCaprio
Anbnouncer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jonah Hill!
Jonah Hill: Thank you! Ah, um… thank you, thank you. It is so great to be back here hosting “SNL” for the third time. Honestly, my whole life feels like a dream come true right now. Between “Moneyball” and “Wolf of Wall Street” and getting nominated for my second Academy Award, you know… [ audience cheers ] I just, uh… I just couldn’t be more grateful, and, you know, the thing about being an Oscar-nominated actor is —
Female Audience Member: Excuse me?
Jonah Hill: Uh… yes, can I help you?
Female Audience Member: [ excited ] Um… hi! I was just, uh, wondering: What is it like working with Leonardo DiCaprio?
Jonah Hill: Oh, I wasn’t really opening up the floor for questions, but, uh — okay! Leo — which is short for Leonardo — you know, he’s a terrific guy, and he’s still learning, you know? He’sobviously a huge star. Anyway, when I do an Oscar movie —
Male Audience Member: Hi.
Jonah Hill: Yes. You, Sir.
Male Audience Member: Hi. Um… What’s Leo’s hair like? Is it, like, beautiful?
Jonah Hill: [ laughing ] I don’t know! It’s… it’s decent, I guess. Not that memorable. Kind of like mine, maybe a little worse. Yes. You. Brad Pitt.
Brad Pitt: Hey, man! Just wanted to say… I had a BLAST working with you in “Moneyball” — Bahhh!
Jonah Hill: Okay!
Brad Pitt: And you… have developed into a great dramatic actor — Bahhhh!!
Jonah Hill: Oh, my God! Thank you, Brad, that’s very nice of you to say.
Brad Pitt: Also, uh — What’s DiCaprio like, huh? I bet he was the BEST!! BAHHHH!!!
Jonah Hill: Okay. Okay, look, you want to know the truth? The truth is: Leo wasn’t even supposed to BE in the movie! Okay? Here’s what happened! I call up Marty Scorcese. I say, “Marty. It’s J.H. I’m ready to get in the ring again!” He says, “Finally!” Then, I say, “Should we get DiCaprio on board?” And Marty says, “I don’t know if he can handle it. Sure, he’s a movie star, he puts teenaged girls in the seats. But we need a REAL actor, like YOU!” Okay? That’s what –[ the audience screams wildly, as Leonardo DiCaprio saunters into view ]
Jonah Hill: [ worried ] Oh, my God…! Oh..!
Leonardo DiCaprio: Hey, buddy!
Jonah Hill: Ohhhh, God, nooo!
Leonardo DiCaprio: I have a question. What the hell are you doing, man?
Jonah Hill: Oh, nothing much! I was pretty much just talking you up big time, just saying what a baller you are at acting…!
Leonardo DiCaprio: No, no, I don’t think you were, man. I mean, I actually came here to support you. I’ve been backstage the whole time.
Jonah Hill: [ stammering ] Uhhh… you-you-you were… backstage…?! That’s WEIRD, man! Maybe the ACOUSTICS are messed up or something, ’cause I was totally hyping you up! I was like, “Heyyyy, you know what’s eating Gilbert Grape? THis guy right here! He’s taking a big ol’ BITE out of that juicy grape!” You know?
Leonardo DiCaprio: Really?
Jonah Hill: Yeah! I was like, you know, “This guy Leo taught me EVERYTHING I know, and I’d be NOTHING Without him, and he’s such a MODEL… both physically — like he has the looks of a model, but also a ROLE model! And he’s really charitable… and “The Aviator”…
Leonardo DiCaprio: Hold on, Jonah. Forget about all that, okay? Why don’t you just be honest about what you’re doing right now? Seriously.
Jonah Hill: [ meekly ] I was, uh… I was acting like a bigshot.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Right. And what did we say about acting like a bigshot in public like this?
Jonah Hill: We said that, like… like I… shouldn’t do it.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Right. And what should you do instead?
Jonah Hill: I should just, like… try to, like… be the best version of me, or whatever…
Leonardo DiCaprio: Jonah, I knew this was gonna happen if you got nominated, but you don’t have to pretend any more. You’re a real ACTOR now! You should be HUMBLE! You should be GRACIOUS! Get it?
Jonah Hill: Yeah, I’m sorry. I get it. I just got so excited, you know?
Leonardo DiCaprio: I know. I remember.
Jonah Hill: Hey, Lee?
Leonardo DiCaprio: Yeah, J?
Jonah Hill: Remember when we were on set, and I-I would get really nervous?
Leonardo DiCaprio: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember.
Jonah Hill: Can we do the thing we always did every day, the thing that made me feel safe?
Leonardo DiCaprio: Is it gonna help you be, uh… less nervous?
Jonah Hill: Yeah.
Leonardo DiCaprio: [ sighs ] Yeah, sure. We can do it.
Jonah Hill: Alright. Thanks, man.
[ “Titanic” instrumental theme plays, as Jonah stretches out his arms and DiCaprio wraps his arms around him ]
Jonah Hill: “Am I flying, Jack?”
Leonardo DiCaprio: “Yes, Rose! Yes, you’re flying!” Jonah’s got a GREAT show for you tonight! Bastille is here! Stick around, and he’ll be right back!
Air Date:
Summary: Scott Hamilton (Taran Killam) and Tara Lipinski (Cecily Strong) The U.S. Men’s Heterosexual Figure Skating Championships.
Summary: Six-year old Adam Grossman (Jonah Hill) embarrasses his new stepmom (Vanessa Bayer) by obnoxiously performing more Borscht Belt humor in front of the hibachi crowd at Benihana’s.
Summary: Game play is sidelined by thew host’s (Kenan Thompson) quest to reveal which contestant clogged a backstage toilet.
Summary: Officer Frank Medina (Kenan Thompson) recounts his experience arresting Justin Bieber for illegal dragracing. Russian woman Olya Povlatsky (Kate McKinnon) gives her takes on holding the Winter Olympics in her country.
Summary: While visiting the stables, Danielle (Nasim Pedrad) is horrified to find the stablehands (Cecily Strong, Jonah Hill) being kicked and punch by one of the horses.
Summary: In a trailer for a new Spike Jonez film, a nerdy man (Jonah Hill) becomes involved in a gay relationship with his doppleganger Operating System.
Summary: After making numerous faux pas at the boss’s (Beck Bennett) dinner party, Jeffrey (Jonah Hill) yells audibly at himself in the adjacent bathroom.
Summary: Without permission, skater-slackers Todd (Kyle Mooney) and Casey (Beck Bennett) host their talk show at Keith’s (Jonah Hill) dad’s (Bobby Moynihan).
Summary: Piers Morgan (Taran Killam) interviews Gov. Chris Christie (Bobby Moynihan), Alex Rodriguez (Drake) and Justin Bieber (Kate McKinnon) about their recent embarrassing scandals.
Summary: Drake dispenses a series of “fun facts” about his life, including his Jewish heritage with a look back at his Bar Mitzvah.
Summary: Sway (Kenan Thompson) takes a look back at hip hop stars who performed in minor television roles before they were famous.
Summary: Nancy Grace (Noel Wells) is opposed to pro-pot legistlation, unlike her guests who are making out like bandits in Colorado.
Summary: A group of people (Taran Killam, Drake) fail to fulfill their New Year’s resolutions.
Summary: While at a slumber party, Melanie (Aidy Bryant) is hot for her friend’s (Sasheer Zamata) dad (Drake).
Summary: Jacqueline Bisset (Vanessa Bayer) takes a long time wandering through the audience to comment about her Golden Globes appearance. Arianna Huffington (Nasim Pedrad) comments about Hillary Clinton’s chances of getting the Demoratic nomination for President in 2016.
Summary: Rahat (Nasim Pedrad) only wants to hold onto her rice as she assists Dalton (Drake) in performing an Indiana Jones stunt spectacular.
Summary: Poetry specialist Ms. Meadows (Vanessa Bayer) remains enthusiastic while teaching her craft to high-schoolers in detention who just don’t give a damn about poetry.
Summary: Morning co-anchors (Drake, Bobby Moynihan, Kate McKinnon) seethe at the thought of having to peppily tape the week’s promo spots.
