For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 8
11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys
Goodnights
…..Steve Buscemi
Steve Buscemi: Thanks to the Black Keys! Maya Rudolph! Thank you, Lorne Michaels! This amazing cast and the amazing crew! We hope you feel better, Frank. Thank you SO MUCH!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 8
11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys
Coach Bert
Larry Stevens…..Jason Sudeikis
Coach Bert…..Steve Buscemi
Male Reporter…..Bobby Moynihan
District Attorney Ed Markham…..Taran Killam
Female Reporter…..Nasim Pedrad
Agent Dauz…..Kenan Thompson
Brent Harrison…..Bill Hader
Darius bogart…..Jay Pharoah
[ open on gym exterior ]
[ dissolve to press conference setting ]
Larry Stevens: Alright, now. Okay, hey — Good afternoon. I’m Larry Stevens, and I’ve been Head coach here at Central University for the last 22 years. And I wish we had called you here today to talk about last night’s win… and I hope we can get back to talking hoops real soon. Uh, with the recent abuse scandals — first at Penn State, now at Syracuse — it was imperative to me that we made sure that NOTHING like that was going on right here at our program in Central. And I don’t think I’m alone in saying the FIRST person who popped into my head as a potential sexual predator was Coach Bert!
[ cut to Coach Bert, frowning, now angry ]
Coach Bert: What?!
Larry Stevens: Now… now, let’s be honest — Coach Bert has all the tall-tale signs of a sexual predator. I mean, he’s anti-social, he lives with his mom, he’s never had a girlfriend. I mean, he’s a genius with the X’s and O’s, but an absolute zero when it comes to human interaction.
Coach Bert: [ offended ] What the hell, Larry?! I’m sitting right here!
Larry Stevens: Alright, alright… [ continuing ] But I am happy to say that after a FULL investigation, we have found NO evidence — and I mean NONE! — that Coach Bert is a pedophile.
[ the press express their doubts to one another ]
Larry Stevens: [ laughing ] Hey, I know! I was as surprised as you all! But he’s not. He’s not a pedophile. Alright? Now, I’m taking questions. Go ahead.
Male Reporter: Can you share the details of the investigation?
Larry Stevens: Well, for that… I’ll turn it over to the District Attorney — Ed Markham. Ed?
[ Coach Bert’s eyes grow wide ]
Coach Bert: DISTRICT ATTORNEY?!!
District Attorney: Thank you. Uh — we don’t usually undertake cases where there are no witnesses, no evidence, and no allegations. But, then we saw a picture of coach Bert… and, well, we jumped into action.
Coach Bert: [ outraged ] Is it the MOUSTACHE?! Because I can SHAVE the moustache!
District Attorney: We obtained a warrant to search his computer… but found nothing to lead us to believe that he is desirous of young boys or young girls or sex of any kind. What we found instead, were eleven completed novels about a character named “Bert Man”, who is very strong and… [ checking his notes ] “has a million friends.”
Coach Bert: You’re not supposed to read those! They’re not finished!
District Attorney: They were DEFINITELY finished.
Female Reporter: So, I’m sorry — we’re supposed to be satisfied because you checked his computer?
District Attorney: No, we also set up 24-hour surveillance, and for that, I turn it over to Agent Dauz.
Agent Dauz: [ reading from his files ] “November 29th, 9 a.m.: Coach Bert wakes up and goes to the bathroom — sitting down. He does NOT wash his hands.” “November 29th, 9:09 a.m.: Coach Bert goes to kitchen and makes himself breakfast — at NO point washing his hands.”
Coach Bert: How long is this going to take?!
District Attorney: Let’s wrap this up, Dauz.
Agent Dauz: We were on him for a week. He never molested anyone. And he never washed his hands. [ he attacks Coach Bert physically ] YOU DISGUSTING!!
Coach Bert: I used Curel!
Agent Dauz: LIAR!!
District Attorney: Alright. [ he pushes Agent Dauz away ]
Male Reporter: Isn’t there a chance that coach Bert was “tipped off” to the investigation, and suspendedhis pedophilia for a week
District Attorney: Uh, for that, I turn it over to Brent Harrison, who is the President of the local chapter of NAMBLA, the North American Man-Boy love Association.
Brent Harrison: [ grinning ] Hello! Hello, hello, hello, hello! Let me start by saying it’s great to be back in a school! Yeeess! Yes, yes, yes! I’m here today to say at no point in the past ten years have we ever been approached by Coach Bert.
Coach Bert: Of course not!!
Brent Harrison: Nor, had he approached us, would we have accepted his membership. He is, quite simply, NOT the face we want on our pedophilia organization!
[ the press applauds the statement ]
Coach Bert: [ incredulous ] You’re clapping for him?! Don’t clap for him!
Female Reporter: So that’s it? We’re just supposed to accept that Coach Bert is not a pedophile?
Larry Stevens: Well, now, guys, I know — it was real hard for us to accept it, too. You know? That’s why we set up a STING operation with a local high schooler — Darius Bogart. Darius? [ as Darius steps up ] Hey — way to play last Friday.
Darius Bogart: Thank you, Brother! [ to the press ] Uh — hello. I’m Darius Bogart. And, with the help of the District Attorney’s office and Coach Bert’s mom —
Coach Bert: [ stunned ] My mom HELPED?!
Darius Bogart: I stopped by Coach’s house and recorded this conversation:
[ the District Attorney holds up a recording device and presses Play ]
Voice of Coach Bert: Hey, Darius.
Voice of Darius Bogart: I want to thank you for helping me at basketball camp, and I just want you to know that I would do anything to thank you.
Voice of Coach Bert: Anything?
Voice of Darius Bogart: Anything.
Voice of Coach Bert: We-ell… I’d love to get your thoughts on my demos. [ he sings, as electronic keyboard music plays ] “I am the Bert Man, I have a million friends. / I am the Bert Man, let’s name all my friends. / Brett Favre, is my friend. / Chewbacca, is my friend…”
[ Agent Dauz bounces his head along to the tune, as the District Attoreny turns it off ]
Darius Bogart: Look, it goes on like that for about an hour. He never >molested me, but at times… I would have preferred it if he had.
Coach Bert: Not cool, Darius!
Larry Stevens: Alright, alright, okay. Thank you, Darius. Alright, now, I hope we can, you know, start putting this behind us and start the healing process. Oh, also, uh — you’re gonna see a lot of these fliers around campus everywhere. [ he holds up a flier of Coach Bert’s photo that reads: “Did This Man molest You? Yes. Maybe.” ] Go ahead and ignore these. There’s a lot of ’em, but just go ahead and ignore them, please.
Coach Bert: Oh, man!
Larry Stevens: Hey — let’s beat State Tuesday, okay?
[ the room applauds wildly ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 8
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:Guest Writer:
December 3rd, 2011
Steve Buscemi
The Black Keys
None
Maya Rudolph
None
Emily Spivey A Message from the President of the United States
Summary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) lists all the people and institutions who are actually more powerful than he is.
Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.
Transcript
Montage
Steve Buscemi’s Monologue
Summary: Steve Buscemi tackles questions from audience members who work as stereotypical character actors but would like to evolve their craft into lead roles.
Transcript
Frozen Mexican Dinner
Summary: When a musician (Paul Brittain) admits to being constipated, fellow band member (Fred Armisen) offers him a solution with a single dose of a frozen Mexican dinner.
Note: This ad parody had been cut from multiple dress rehearsals throughout the season.
The Miley Cyrus Show
Summary: Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) welcomes fellow pothead Jeff (Steve Buscemi) to the show, until Billy Ray Cyrus (Jason Sudeikis) brings in Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) to perform an intervention.
Recurring Characters: Miley Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus, Whitney Houston.
An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Commissioner Jim Gordon (Steve Buscemi) is repeatedly flustered by Batman’s (Andy Samberg) unannounced appearances in his personal affairs.
Transcript
Dateline
Summary: Keith Morrison (Bill Hader) revels in the misery of the Mystery of the Chopped Up Guy.
Recurring Characters: Keith Morrison.
Coach BertSummary: Central University’s Head Coach (Jason Sudeikis) makes it clear that basketball coach Bert (Steve Buscemi) is not a pedophile, but it’s hardly a ringing endorsement.
Transcript
The Black Keys perform “Lonely Boy”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Herman Cain (Kenan Thompson) announces that he’s suspending his presidential campaign and makes excuses for his marital indiscretions. Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) gives advice on how to deal with family members during the holidays.
Recurring Characters: Herman Cain.
Surprise
Summary: Playskool manager (Steve Buscemi) wants to surprise Sandra (Vanessa Bayer) with a promotion, but can co-worker Sue (Kristen Wiig) hold herself together without spoiling the surprise?
Recurring Characters: Sue.
“Sex” Ed Vincent’s Couples Workshop Sex Intensive
Summary: Ed Vincent (Paul Brittain) hosts a three-day symposium on sex to help couples spice up their marriage in the bedroom and in the kitchen.
Recurring Characters: “Sex” Ed Vincent.
Transcript
The Black Keys perform “Gold On The Ceiling”
Ornaments
Summary: A man (Steve Buscemi) shows off his favorite Christmas ornaments, while ditZy Sheila (Kristen Wiig) decorates the tree.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
A Message From Newt GingrichSummary: Newt Gingrich (Bobby Moynihan) addresses his sudden, unexpected lead in the primary polls.
Recurring Characters: Newt Gingrich.
TVLandSummary: Technical errors ruin the production of a TVLand presentation.
Love CultSummary: A hideous man (Steve Buscemi) encounters only rejection when he joins a love cult.
SleepoverSummary: A little girl’s (Bobby Moynihan) sleepover has disastrous results.
Headz Up
Summary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.
Note: This ad parody will eventually air on the episode hosted by Daniel Radcliffe.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 7
]]>
11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
…..Seth Meyers
…..Gov. Jon Huntsman
…..Kermit the Frog
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: Good evening! I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:
Two new polls show that Newt Gingrich has gained ground in recent days, and has now passed Mitt Romney. It’s surprising, because if there’s one thing I assumed Gingrich would be bad at… it’s catching up with people.
It was reported this week that Newt Gingrich received consulting fees between $1.6 and $1.8 million from mortgage lenders Freddie Mac, who many conservatives blame for the crash of the economy. C’mon, Newt, a Republican who supported Freddie Mac has as much chance of getting elected as a Democrat who extended the Bush tax cuts, kept Guantanamo open, or took money from Wall Street, or… [ he sees President Barack Obama’s photo ] You know what, Newt? I dont know, Im not gonna count you out yet.
Herman Cain, this week, became the first Republican Presidential candidate to receive Secret Service protection, after he filed a request with the Department of Homeland Security. Because it’s dangerous out there for Cain: you never know when some lunatic might walk right up out of the crowd and ask him a question.
During an interview this week, Herman Cain froze for nearly a minute when he was asked a question about Libya. Apparently, he couldn’t remember if Libya was the blonde or the brunette.
This week, police and protestors clashed after Mayor Bloomberg ordered that Zuccotti Park be cleared. And for those of you who have it TIVO’d, I won’t spoil who won the fight between the guys armed with riot shields and batons and the guys armed with bongos and trail mix.
Seth Meyers: Election season is heating up, with the first of the nation’s New Hampshire primary only eight weeks away. One candidate focusing on New Hampshire is former Utah governor Jon Huntsman, who, this week, made his 100th appearance in the state. Here to comment on how his campaign is going — Gov. Jon Huntsman. [ the audience cheers him on ] Uh — it’s great to have you, Governor.
Jon Huntsman: Thanks for having me, Seth.
Seth Meyers: You know, I’d like to start with something you never get to hear in the debates: Gov. Huntsman, the first question is for you. Isn’t it true that, nationally, you’re currently polling in the low single digits?
Jon Huntsman: It is true, Seth. But only a few months ago, I was polling at “margin of error”. So to have any digital — at all — is a pretty big deal.
Seth Meyers: Alright. I’d say that’s a pretty positive attitude.
Jon Huntsman: I’m a positive guy, Seth, and I feel really positive about the future of this country.
Seth Meyers: Now, you seem to be putting all of your eggs in one basket in New Hampshire. Are you worried you might alienate the rest of the country?
Jon Huntsman: Seth… I love all of America. From Dallas, Texas… to Manchester, New Hampshire. From the majestic Rocky Mountains to New Hampshire’s scenic Lake Winnipesaukee. From the innovation of Silicon Valley to the affordable outlet malls in North Conway, New Hampshire.
Seth Meyers: Yeahhhh. I can’t help but notice you keep mentioning places from New Hampshire.
Jon Huntsman: Well… it’s not on purpose, Seth. I would never tie myself to one state. I like to spread my wings and fly, like the purple finch.
Seth Meyers: Which is, of course, the state bird of New Hampshire?
Jon Huntsman: You know a lot about New Hampshire, Seth.
Seth Meyers: I’m from New Hampshire!
Jon Huntsman: Well… that makes sense. Because you’re kind and good-looking — classic New Hampshire!
Seth Meyers: Governor Huntsman, as a product of New Hampshire, I can tell you that we do not fall for easy compliments.
Jon Huntsman: That’s because you are as wise as a Dartmouth professor.
Seth Meyers: Alright! You know, you can’t just Wikipedia your way to the White House, okay?
Jon Huntsman: Fair enough, Seth. In that case, I just hope that the good people of yours and every state will listen to what I say in the upcoming debates. I think they’ll like it.
Seth Meyers: Well, thank you so much for coming.
Jon Huntsman: [ coolly ] Are your parents registered voters?
Seth Meyers: Uh — my Mom’s a Democrat, and my father’s an Independent.
Jon Huntsman: Say “Hi” to your dad for me.
Seth Meyers: Alright. Gov. Jon Huntsman, everyone!
The National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute is recommending that children be tested for high cholesterol before they reach puberty. The test is simple: You just ask the child their name and if they can’t answer because their mouth is full of bacon, they have high cholesterol.
Religious leaders in Saudi Arabia are warning women with “tempting eyes” that they must cover them up or face punishment — a warning that doesn’t really concern Salimah. [ reveal phot of Saudi women with one eye larger than the other ]
In hopes of finding a new source of revenue, North Korea, this week, opened its borders to limited tour groups. However, tourists cannot bring mobile devices, they must restrict their movement, and have to avoid even the most casual contact with daily life. Also, you gotta be cool with getting kidnapped forever. You gotta be cool with that!
A man in New York State, who was wearing a T-shirt reading “I’m a Drunk”, was arrested for driving while intoxicated after he crashed into a police car. So score one for judging books by their cover!
A school in Canada has banned all game balls, including soccer balls and baseballs, because the principal thinks they’re causing too many injuries. The safety-minded principal also asked that the custodian install a hinge in the see-saw.
A man in New Hampshire was charged with reckless conduct, after his gun went off while he was cleaning it and the bullet struck his wife. Whether he’s convicted or not, he will be sentenced to a lifetime of being reminded about that time you shot me! Do you remember that? So, yeah, I dont think I spent too much for that purse… because of the time you shot me.
According to a new report, male spiders sometimes “pay” for mating, with bits of flower, cotton, and ant husks. However, a sizeable chunk of those payments end up going to Ramon. [ reveal photo of pimped-out spider ]
Seth Meyers: On Tuesday, Congress rejected new USDA guidelines for school lunches, that would have increased the amount of fresh vegetables and fruit in cafeterias, and instead declared that the tomato paste on pizza qualified it as a vegetable. These new nutritional standards bring us to a segment we like to call: “Really!?! with Seth and Kermit”.
Kermit the Frog: Thank you! Thank you, Seth!
Seth Meyers: Are you ready? I am ready!
Seth Meyers: Really? Yes!
Seth Meyers: Really, Congress? Now cafeteria pizza qualifies as a vegetable? Cafeteria pizza barely qualifies as a pizza! It has the same nutritional value as the tray it’s served on. And if pizza’s a vegetable now, what’s broccoli — penicillin? I mean, REALLY!?! If pizza is a vegetable, what’s a fruit salad — Twizzlers and a grape soda? Really!?!
Seth Meyers: Really!?! And just wait — it won’t be long before eating French fries will count as taking French! Really! You know, maybe we should just change the National Anthem to the Hot Pockets jingle. I mean, Really!?!
Seth Meyers: Really!?! And, really, for what it’s worth, tomato paste makes up only 31% of the tomato sauce. The other ingredients include: potassium sorbate, citric acid, and tri-calcium phosphate. That’s not a vegetable, that’s a Chemistry quiz! I mean… REALLY!?!
Seth Meyers: Really! And, Congress: Do you not think childhood obesity is a problem? 1 out of 5 four-year olds in this country are obese! On Halloween, a kid came to my door dressed as a pirate — I thought he as supposed to be Dom DeLuise! Really! Kids are FAT! If you don’t believe me, go down to your local playground and count the number of broken swings! Oh, yeah…
Seth Meyers: Those puppies are going down left and right! Yes, and have you been down to the town pool? Those aren’t swimsuits, those are SAUSAGE CASINGS! Really? I’m really gonna be in trouble for that one later…
Seth Meyers: Why? [ it hits him ] Oh! Right! And really, Congress? I mean, it’s your JOB to look out for children, you know?
Seth Meyers: But you didn’t. No.
Seth Meyers: Worst of all, food companies spent over $5 million lobbying against tighter nutritional restrictions, which means, in this case, Congress was nothing more than a PUPPET to the food industry! [ to Kermit ] No offense. Oh, that’s okay — I’m not a puppet, I’m a Muppet!
Seth Meyers: Oh? What’s the difference? Uh, well, a puppet is actually controlled by a person, whereas I am an actual talking frog.
Seth Meyers: Oh. Yeah.
Seth Meyers: Really? Really!
Seth Meyers: Huh!
Announcer: [ over title card ] This has been Really!?! with Seth and Kermit”.
Warner Brothers has announced that it is starting production on a Legos movie — but good luck finishing it without this. [ he holds up a long Lego block ]
IHOP, this week, opened a new version of their restaurant called IHOP Express, that is now self-service and an interactive syrup bar. This is great news for anyone who loves eating at IHOP, but hates putting up with all the pageantry.
A man in California, who was high on crystal meth, was arrested after he killed and ate a wild bobcat. Which is a shame, because, up to that point, it had been a lovely bar-mitzvah.
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night! [ he throws the Lego block at the camera ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 7
11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine
An SNL Digital Short
Instructor…..Andy Samberg
Woman #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Woman #2…..Abby Elliott
Woman #3…..Kristen Wiig
Woman #4…..Olivia Wilde
Prostitute…..Jason Segel
[ title card: “An SNL Digital Short” ]
[ dissolve to Instructor holding a chess pawn in the palm of his hand ]
Instructor: Chess! For centuries, it’s confounded men and aroused women. Tonight, I’ll teach you how to stay three moves ahead. Welcome… to “Seducing Women… Through Chess!”
[ title card absorbs the screen ]
[ lightning strikes mark the dissolve back to Instructor, who stands before Woman #1 at the chessboard ]
Instructor: There is no greater joust of the mind than the game Chess. Each move represents thousands of choices made or unmade. The game, much like the mind of a woman, is a dance of seduction.
Woman #1: Checkmate!
Instructor: DAMMIT!!
[ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor approaching second woman at a chessboard ]
Instructor: Chess. A game as ancient as it is mysterious. Knight takes Rook, Bishop takes Pawn, and King takes…
Woman #2: Checkmate!
Instructor: Nooooo!!
[ checkerboard dissolve to a makeshift “Checkers” sign, as he approaches a woman at a checkerboard ]
Instructor: Checkers. A game of seemingly simpler taste. But did you know that checkers was the key to a woman’s heart? Especially when it’s her first time. Your move, my dear.
[ she jumps her black checker over all of his red checkers, even across an adjacent board ]
Woman #3: King me!
Instructor: FUCK!! [ he shoves her ]
Woman #3: Hey!
[ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor standing in front of a Jenga tower ]
Instructor: The game of Jenga! [ he swings his arm back and accidentally knocks down the Jenga tower, then growls at his bad fortune ]
[ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor holding a glass in front of a woman ]
Instructor: Eating glass! Most chicks can’t do it. So if you can… that might be attractive to them?
[ she shakes her head No ]
[ he struggles to eat the glass, cutting his mouth in various places and trying to maintain the art of seduction as his mouth bleeds ]
Instructor: He-e-e-eyy!
[ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor with tiny bandages all around his mouth ]
Instructor: Hiring a prostitute. It’s a tradition as old as time. The ruels are simple; Give them money, and they are seduced.
Prostitute: [ deep-voiced ] $5,000.
Instructor: What?! I only have, like, sixty bucks. [ he pulls out that money ]
[ the prostitute grabs the money and knifes the Instructor in the belly and runs ]
Instructor: Ohhh! He stabbed me! Ohhh! I’m dying! I’m dying, and I never made sex to a girl! Goodbye, my love…
[ the prostitute runs back in and worls the chessboard ]
Prostitute: Checkmate!
Instructor: FUCK!!
[ cut to end credits card ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 7
11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine
Mitt Romney: Raw & Unleashed!
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Deborah Singer…..Kristen Wiig
Campaign Aide #1…..Taran Killam
Campaign Aide #2…..Jay Pharoah
Announcer: And now a message from the Committee to Elect Mitt Romney.
[ dissolve to Mitt Romney sitting on his desk ]
Mitt Romney: Hello! Hi there! Hi there, America, you know me — I’m Mitt Romney, candidate for President and the current leader in the polls for the Republican nomination. But you don’t hear much about me in the news, because the other candidates, like Herman Cain and Rick Perry, are hogging all the headlines with sex scandals and whoopsie-daisies! That’s why my staff and I decided that I was too boring, and there fore I should become 15 to 17% more edgy. So tonight, Mitt Romney is really gonna let loose! Get ready for Mitt Romney: Raw & Unleashed!
[ show graphic slide: MITT ROMNEY RAW & UNLEASHED ]
[ Romney unbuttons his suit jacket and smiles ]
Mitt Romney: Because just like Herman Cain, I got a whole heap of skeletons in my closet as well. In fact, sometimes I open my closet and I think: Is this the graveyard? Because there’s so many skeletons inside! [ he laughs ] Was there a sex scandal in my past? Could be. Could be. Why don’t we ask one of my former employees — Deborah Singer?
[ Deborah Singer enters ]
Deborah Singer: Hey, Mr. Romney.
Mitt Romney: [ casual cool ] Hel-lo, Deborah! So, Deborah, without getting too graphic, did I ever treat you in a way that, you know, might be construed by some of those prudes out there as sexual harrassment?
Deborah Singer: [ shaking her head ] Nope.
Mitt Romney: Nothing?
Deborah Singer: [ thinking ] Nope.
Mitt Romney: I never made a comment about your clothing?
Deborah Singer: You said I was a sharp dresser.
Mitt Romney: [ excited ] Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Over the line! Over the line! Man, keep me away from the ladies, because I’m a real dog — bark, bark!
[ Deborah slinks away slowly ]
Mitt Romney: [ laughing, as he buttons his jacket back up ] This is making me uncomfortable, actually… Now the media’s gonna have a FIELD DAY with that, okay? But, hey — that’s just Mitt Romney: Raw & Unleashed!
[ show graphic slide: MITT ROMNEY RAW & UNLEASHED ]
Mitt Romney: Another thing you might not know about Mitt Romney, is that I have a real doozy of a temper. Sometimes I just go OFF! Like yesterday, one of my aides brought me a lukewarm tea, and I just yelled at him. I said, “Stop that! Don’t! Please.” Alright? I just threw the tea right down the sink, and I rinsed out that cup!
Now, Rick Perry and Herman Cain are also getting attention for flubbing some straightforward policy questions. So I’ve planned my ,i>own embarrassing mistake. Here it is.
[ campaign aide steps forward ]
Campaign Aide #1: Governor Romney? What would be your first act as President?
Mitt Romney: Well, if elected President, my first act would be to repeal Obama Hair. Oooooops! I mean, Obama Care! [ he laughs ] What an endearing flub! That mistake is sure to haunt my campaign, but also humanize me. Thanks, Jeff!
[ campaign aide walks away shaking his head ]
Mitt Romney: Typical of Mitt Romney: Raw & Unleashed!
[ show graphic slide: MITT ROMNEY RAW & UNLEASHED ]
Mitt Romney: Hey — let’s answer some fan mail, shall we? [ he grabs a letter ] Alright, let’s see — ooh! This first one’s written in lipstick! “Dear Mitt: I noticed you have a vacation home in San Diego.” That’s true. “Are you worried that people will think you’re too “Hollyowod”, that you’re all sex appeal and no substance?” Yes, I worry about that very much. I really do. That question was from my wife… Ann Romney. Alright… okay, here. [ he picks up another letter ] This next one’s from my eldest son — Taggert. “You were Governor of Massachusetts. That must have ROCKED, huh, Father?” [ he kisses the letter ] I love that kid! Yes, Taggery! It very much, indeed, did rock. Yeah. It rocked harder than a Josh Groban concert!
And, finally, speaking of some rock ‘n roll, I’d like to put on a leather jacket, just to show you how edgy I really am. [ he removes his jacket as a Black campaign aide brings him a leather jacket ] Alright, thank you, My Man! [ the aide shakes his head and walsk away, as Romney changes into the leather jacket ] Oh, it’s heavy! [ he smiles ] There you go! Don’t I look comfortable and natural? I should. As you get to know me, I think you’ll find that “Danger” is my middle name. Actually, my middle name’s “Mitt”. You know, my first name is “Willard”. Yeah. So, actually, I guess it’s “Willard Mitt “DANGER” Romney”, JD, MBA! Alright?
I’ll see y’all on the campaign trail. “Live form New York, it’s Saturday Niiight!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 7
11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine
Jason Segel’s Monologue
…..Jason Segel
…..Kermit The Frog (Steve Whitmire)
…..Miss Piggy (Eric Jacobson)
…..Fozzy Bear (Eric Jacobson)
…..The Great Gonzo (Dave Goelz)
…..Scooter (David Rudman)
…..Statler & Waldorf (Steve Whitmire, Dave Goelz)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jason Segel!
Jason Segel: Thank you, thanks, thank you guys so much! Wow! Oh, my God! I mean, I am SO excited to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I gotta be totally honest, like, the one thing I was really nervous about for tonight was this monologue, ’cause I just have no idea what to say. Uh, if you guys don’t mind, I thought maybe I would sing a song about the way I feel instead? [ the audience cheers excitedly ] I hope there’s a piano behind me. [ he looks ] Oh! Fantastic! Alright, let’s do it.
[ he sits behind the piano and blows into his fists ]
Um — I can’t believe it, but two dreams have come true for me this year: I’m hosting “Saturday Night Live”, and I just made a movie with The Muppets.
Kermit The Frog: Yes, you did!
[ Kermit and Miss Piggy suddenly surround Segel at the piano, as the audience cheers ]
Jason Segel: Guys! What are you doing here?
Kermit The Frog: Well, Jason, where else would we be?
Jason Segel: Well, I was just about to sing a song. I don’t know, would you guys care to join me?
Kermit The Frog: Sure! Let’s get the others! Guys, come on in!
[ the other Muppets join them, as the audience cheers wildly ]
Jason Segel: I didn’t expect you all to be here. Okay, uh — great! 3… 4! [ he starts playing the piano ]
Kermit The Frog: Ooh! That’s what you call a bouncy B-flat!
Jason Segel: That’s right, Kermit.
Kermit The Frog: Very nice!
Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“I believe in shooting stars.”
Kermit The Frog: Yeah!
Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“…and I believe in wishing wells.”
Kermit The Frog: Very nice!
Jason Segel: [ singing ]
…and I beleive in Santa Claus
But I can’t believe I’m hosting SNL.”
The Muppets: [ singing ]
“No, we can’t believe we’re hosting SNL!”
Jason Segel: Guys?
Kermit The Frog: Yeah?
Miss Piggy: Yes? What is it?
Jason Segel: Well, you know what? Never mind. Let’s just go back to the song.
Kermit The Frog: Okay! Beautiful!
Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“Well, I believe in four-leafed clovers.”
Fozzy Bear: Top of the morning!
Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“…and I believe in magic spells.”
Kermit The Frog: Abracadabra!
Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“…I believe that pigs can fly.”
Miss Piggy: First Class!
Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“But I can’t believe I’m hosting SNL.”
The Muppets: [ singing ]
“It’s so great that we’re hosting SNL!
As a group, we are hosting SNL!
Yes, The Muppets are hosting SNL!”
[ The Muppets cheer themselves on ]
Jason Segel: You like that idea? Um, guys? I’m starting to worry about something.
Kermit The Frog: Gee, have you considered taking Flomax?
Jason Segel: No, it’s not that. Why would I need Flomax? No, guys, I’m just starting to worry that you think we’re all hosting this together.
Miss Piggy: Oh, well — are we not?
Jason Segel: No.
Miss Piggy: Huh?
Jason Segel: No, Piggy, it’s just me, really…
Kermit The Frog: Oh, gee, Jason. I guess we just thought since we all did a movie together…
[ The Muppets all murmur their agreement ]
Jason Segel: We did. But they usually just pick one of the stars of the movie.
Miss Piggy: [ offended ] Ah! Excuuuuse moi?!
Kermit The Frog: No, no, no, no! Listen, it makes PERFECT SENSE that they would pick Jason, Piggy. I mean, when people go to a MUppet movie, they say: “Gee — I can’t wait to see the HUMAN!”
Jason Segel: You know what? Hey, let’s just get back to the song. Okay?
Scooter: Sure. Whatever.
Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“I believe in Goldilocks.”
Kermit The Frog: [ sarcastic ] I bet you do.
Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“…I believe that Humpty fell.”
Kermit The Frog: Yeah, right!
Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“…I believe in Mother Goose.”
Kermit The Frog: Yeah, I guess.
Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“But I can’t beleive I’m hosting SNL.”
The Muppets: [ singing ]
“We also can’t believe you’re hosting SNL!
Why would anyone let you host SNL?
This is crazy that you’re hosting SNL!”
Jason Segel: Okay, you know what? You know what? Guys, uh…
The Great Gonzo: What?
Jason Segel: You know, there’s a perfectly good reason why I’m hosting and not you.
Kermit The Frog: Oh, yeah?
Fozzy Bear: Namely?
Jason Segel: [ mimicking ] Namely? Well, I mean, for one — half of you guys aren’t even wearing PANTS!
Kermit The Frog: Heeeey! Come on!
Rolf: That’s hitting below the belt, buddy!
Jason Segel: I’m sorry… I’m sorry.
Kermit The Frog: Yeah, well, you know we try to keep that a secret!
The Great Gonzo: Well… [ he lifts a bag up, and a chicken pops its head out ] I guess the cat’s out of the bag. [ the chicken clucks ] Time to go back in the bag.
Jason Segel: Okay, you know what? forget what I just said. Listen: Maybe hey just picked me because they think — THEY think —
Kermit The Frog: Yeah?
Jason Segel: — that I’m a more versatile performer and that Ican handle a variety show.
Kermit The Frog: Gee, Jason! Maybe you haven’t heard me do my celebrity impressions! You know that I do a GREAT Ray Romano!
Miss Piggy: Mmm-hmm!
The Great Gonzo: Yea! Do Ray! Do Ray!
Kermit The Frog: [ he clears his throat ] “Hi ho! I am Ray Romano! Yayyyyyyy!!”
[ the other Muppets cheer the impression ]
Jason Segel: All of your impressions are you just saying the person’s name in your own voice.
Scooter: Uh — uh — Jason? Jason, with all due respect… The Muppets have been part of “Saturday Night Live” since 1975!
Kermit The Frog: That’s true! That’s true! Look at that! See here?
[ reveal image of Gilda Radner and Scred ]
Jason Segel: Wow. I guess you guys really were here from the beginning?
Kermit The Frog: The very beginning.
The Great Gonzo: I mean, we knew Lorne Michaels when he still said “Aboot”.
Kermit The Frog: That’s right! That’s right!
Miss Piggy: one word he still can’t say — “Residual”!
Kermit The Frog: That’s true. That’s true.
Jason Segel: You know what, Muppets? Listen: I owe you an apology. I mean… this is a big night for me, though, and I was just kind of hoping I could have your support.
The Muppets: I don’t think so… No, not tonight… Not happening!
Jason Segel: You can come to the After Party.
The Muppets: Ohhhhhh!! Yes!! Yes!!
Jason Segel: So! 3… 4!
[ singing ]
“I believe in talking bears.”
Fozzy Bear: Wakka wakka!
Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“…and I believe in weirdos, too.”
The Great Gonzo: Well, thank you!
Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“And I believe that pigs are sexy.”
Miss Piggy: Spoken for!
Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“But I can’t believe I’m hosting SNL.”
The Muppets: [ singing ]
“We’re so happy that you’re hosting SNL!”
Jason Segel: Thanks, guys!
The Muppets: [ singing ]
“You’ll be amazing when you’re hosting SNL!”
Jason Segel: I’ll do my best!
The Muppets: [ singing ]
“Yes, we love you and you’re hosting SNL!”
Kermit The Frog: Nice!
[ the audience cheers ]
Miss Piggy: Who’s the musical guest?
Jason Segel: The musical guest? The musical guest is Florence + The Machine.
Miss Piggy: Oh! Oh!
[ cut to Statler and Waldorf in the audience ]
Statler: Hmm… I hope Florence brought a time machine.
Waldorf: Why?
Statler: So we can go back to before we heard that song!
[ they laugh and choke on their laughter ]
[ return to Home Base ]
Jason Segel: Stick around! We’ve got a great show, we’ll be right back!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 7
11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine
Kemper-Pedic Me Time Mattress
Pete Kemper…..Jason Segel
Stacy Kemper…..Vanessa Bayer
[ open on Pete & Stacy Kemper standing in their bedroom ]
Pete Kemper: Hi! I’m Pete Kemper, and I want to talk to you about a sleep revolution. [ he puts his arm around his wife ] Me and my wife, Stacy, we’ve been married so long… well, we both have our own routines.
Stacy Kemper: I go to bed early; he’s a night owl.
Pete Kemper: Absolutely! And here’s the good news: I’ll NEVER disturb Stacy’s sleep, thanks to my patented Kemper-Pedic Me Time Mattress. The only mattress that absorbs energy and does not transfer motion, even inches away. Stacy will sleep soundly, no matter what I’m doing.
Pete Kemper V/O: Whether it’s: rolling dice… [ reveal msturbatory posture ] adjusting the change in my pajama pockets… [ reveal masturbatory posture ] exercising… [ reveal masturbatory posture close-up, then reveal exercise equiment ] making coffee using a Frendh press… [ reveal masturbatory posture ] or even doing the worm.
Stacy Kemper: With the Me Time mattress, I get a deep sleep, without any of that weird squeaking that used to wake me up.
Pete Kemper: [ laughing it off ] I know! What was that?
Stacy Kemper: It’s great!
Pete Kemper: Listen: Try my famous Italian Dinner Test.
Pete Kemper V/O: …where I put a glass of Chianti on one side of the bed and pound pizza dough in my lap on the other side. [ reveal masturbaotry posture ] See? The wine doesn’t spill no matter how hard I pound. I can pound that dough for six to eight minutes until I can’t take it any more and I… am… spent!
Pete Kemper: Hey! Who’s ready to eat?
[ they laugh ]
Pete Kemper: So if you and your spouse have your own routines, do yourself a favor and get a Kemper-Pedic Me Time Mattress.
[ reveal masturbatory image of Pete elongating an object that turns out to be a telescope ]
Pete Kemper V/O: Buy one today, and get a special laptop shade that shields the brightness of a laptop computer, so you can take it to bed any time.
[ reveal Pete in bed with laptop and laptop shade, Googling porn and masturbating ]
Pete Kemper V/O: The Kemper-Pedic Me Time mattress. Because you need some me time.
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 7
11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine
Kelly Auditions
Kelly Ripa…..Nasim Pedrad
Michael Gelman…..Paul Brittain
Ricky Gervais…..Jason Sudeikis
Charles Barkley…..Kenan Thompson
George Lopez…..Fred Armisen
Garrison Keillor…..Bill Hader
Rosie O’Donnell…..Bobby Moynihan
Zooey Deschanel…..Abby Elliott
Ashton Kutcher…..Taran Killam
Denzel Washington…..Jay Pharaoh
Antonio Banderas…..Jason Segel
Kathie Lee Gifford…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on the “Live with Regis & Kelly” set ]
Gelman: Alright, Kelly, are you ready for this?
Kelly Ripa: [ she sighs ] Replacing Regis Philbin! It just doesn’t seem possible, Gelman.
Gelman: I know, I know. Fortunately, we have a lot of great options for new co-hosts, so we’re gonna have you sit with them and see if there’s any chemistry.
Kelly Ripa: Alright, let’s do this!
Gelman: Alright! First up, we have someone who’s become a fixture at awards ceremonies — Ricky Gervais. [ he steps side ]
[ Ricky Gervais sits next to Kelly ]
Ricky Gervais: Hello. It’s great to be here.
Kelly Ripa: Ricky! How are you!
Ricky Gervais: Yeah. I’m alright. You know — hosting the Golden Globes. So… prestigious!
Kelly Ripa: It would be SO FUN to have you as a co-host!
Ricky Gervais: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because it’s always been MY dream to replace an 8-year old man. Not really! Wha-a-a-at?!
Gelman: Terrific stuff. Thanks, Ricky. Okay, up next we have… an out-of-work basketball commentator — Charles Barkley.
Kelly Ripa: Hi, Charles! How are you!
Charles Barkley: Oh? Kelly the Ripa. Okay! You’re like an adorable talking chipmunk!
Kelly Ripa: Ha ha ha! You know, Reege and I used to have fun banter about our family life. So, tell me, Charles — What are you doing for Thanksgiving?
Charles Barkley: Well, spending it the way I always do — playing pock-out Poker with Carl Malone and the ghost of Manute Bol. Now, what time does this show start?
Kelly Ripa: Nine a.m.
Charles Barkley: Okay, bye! [ he leaves ]
Gelman: Thanks, Charles. Uh, okay — uhh, let’s see here. Up next — whoop! Sorry!Up next, we have former late night talk show host — George Lopez!
[ George Lopez stumbles in, bangs his chair around and adjusts his tie in a spastic manner ]
Kelly Ripa: Hi, George! Hey! [ Lopez is too busy spazzing out ] George? George? Hi! What do you think you could bring to the “Regis & Kelly” franchise?
George Lopez: Well, you know — having a Latino as a co-host could really change the landscape of daytime television! [ he adjusts himself in his seat ] And I should know about LANDSCAPING because I’m LATINO!!
Gelman: [ smiling ] He is great! Great Okay, next we have a longtime host of NPR’s “Prairie home Companion” — Garrison Keillor!
Kelly Ripa: [ starstruck ] Garrison… Garrison, I LOVE your radio show!
Garrison Keillor: [ low-key ] Ah, yes, my show… brought to you by Miss Henderson’s Eyebrow Tonic. Keeping your eyebrows bushy and full. Because why should owwwwwwls have all the fun?
Gelman: Thanks. Okay, next is a woman who started her own talk show — Rosie o’Donnell.
[ Rosie o’Donnell runs in and hugs Kelly Ripa ]
Rosie O’Donnell: Kelly! You little curie-patootie! [ she lays a wett sloppy kiss on Kely ] I will ABSORB you!
Kelly Ripa: Gelman!
Gelman: [ laughing ] Terrific! Next up is the star of Fox’s “New Girl” — Zooey Deschanel.
[ Zooey Deschanel enters with a ukelele in hand ]
Zooey Deschanel: [ comic-voiced ] Hiiii.
Kelly Ripa: Oh, that would be SO much fun! Having two women on the show!
Zooey Deschanel: Hmm… you’re a woman, but I’m just a little-bitty girl [ she snickers ] I’m just quirky and weird and, you know… [ she makes noises ] I’m aorkable! Plus, I already wrote a theme song! [ singing ] “Zooey and Kelly / Kelly and Zooey!” [ she plays the ukulele and whistles ]
Kelly Ripa: Okay, thanks for coming!
Gelman: Okay, uh, next up is a guy who’s in ALL of the tabloids — Ashton Kutcher!
[ Ashton Kutcher climbs in his chair ]
Ashton Kutcher: Hi! Now that I’ve stopped TWEETING, I got sixteen extra hours a DAY!! So what’s the deal with this JOB?! I want to get HIRED!!
Kelly Ripa: Well, yeah, it’s a long process, Ashton.
Ashton Kutcher: Okay, I’m BORED!! [ he exits ]
Gelman: Thanks, Ashton. Uh, next is someone who’s looking to move to television — Denzel Washington.
Denzel Washington: Alright, I’m ready! What’s going on! Ha ha ha!
Kelly Ripa: So, Denzel — are you EXCITED for the “Twilight” finale?
Denzel Washington: Am I excited for the “Twilight” finale?
Kelly Ripa: Have you read the books?
Denzel Washington: She’s asking have I read the BOOKS! Ha ha!
Kelly Ripa: Are you just gonna repeat whatever I say?
Denzel Washington: Ha ha ha ha! Alright!
Gelman: Wonderful. Oh, Antonio Banderas showed up, but I don’t think he even knows there are auditions.
Antonio Banderas: [ smoothly ] Hello, my flower. This is a very good time for me — with the “Puss in Boots”, the Nasonex bee voice, and I am wearing very fine clothing… and Regis is in Heaven with the angels.
Kelly Ripa: No, no, no! No, Regis isn’t dead!
Antonio Banderas: No, then we are committing adultery?
Kelly Ripa: No, Regis is retiring from the show, and the hosts DON’T have sex!
Antonio Banderas: Ah. Then I must go and find sex elsewhere. Goodbye, my flower. [ he exits ]
Kelly Ripa: Okay, who’s next?
Gelman: Uh — that’s everyone, Kelly.
Kelly Ripa: You know what I just realized, Gelman? Maybe the BEST co-host would be the person who’s been here since the very beginning! The person who knows the show inside and out!
Gelman: [ touched ] Really?
Kelly Ripa: That’s right! It’s time to bring back Kathie Lee!
[ suddenly, Kathie Lee zooms in a power scooter and honks at Kelly ]
Kathie Lee Gifford: I’m baaaaack! [ she pulls out a bottle of wine ] No, I’m not! [ she wheels off ]
[ cut to title animation ]
Announcer: “Kathie Lee and Kelly” — it’s what America wants!
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 7
11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine
Goodnights
…..Jason Segel
Jason Segel: Ladies and gentlemen, thanks to Florence + The Machine! [ he hugs Florence ] To The Muppets — to The Muppets! To Paul Rudd! To Governor Jon Huntsman! [ he hugs Huntsman ] And to my family, who couldn’t be here tonight! This is for you. I love you guys! Good night!