Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 5

11e: Charlie Day / Maroon 5

Charlie Day’s Monologue

…..Charlie Day
…..Danny DeVito

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Charlie Day!

Charlie Day: Thank you, guys! Thank you! Thank you very much! [ he bows ] Thank you! Okay, okay, okay, okay, alright! Now… my name is Charlei Day. [ the audoence cheers wildly ] I knoqw that Don Pardo jsut said it, but I think it’s important to confirm… that I’m actually hosting “Saturday Night Live”! This is happening! It’s happening.

Alright, let’s get to the facts. Alright. I was born here in New York City. I lvied here until I was two years old — it’s true. I have a very vivid memory of what the city was like back then in the 70’s, though. BeCause, in the 70’s, New York was crazy. People were HUGE! They were GIANTS! Right? You’d come up to their knees. And I remember all the street signs, they were written in gibberish! Oh, and also — if you walked out of your building, and you walked down to the park… there was a big, scary dog that would bark at you. It was a crazy city, a crazy place. I like it a lot better now.

Okay, a couple of reasons why it’s a good time for me: Uh, my show, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Thank you! It’s in its SEVENTH season! [ the audience cheers wildly ] Thank you! And my beautiful wife and I are about to have our first baby. [ the audience cheers wildly ] I know, right — SEVEN seasons! It’s so cool. Really cool stuff. It just kind of hit me the other day, you know?

Anyway, I know a lot of hosts come out here, they’re nervous… but, like, it’s such a good time for me, that I’m relly relaxed. You know? So I figured I’d just relax and enjoy the moment…

[ suddenly, Danny DeVito runs up on stage, to thunderous applause ]

Danny DeVito: No, no, Charlie, look, you can’t — I just heard you say you’re going to relax?

Charlie Day: I am.

Danny DeVito: You can’t relax!

Charlie Day: Yes, I can! I have done a lot to get here! I’m just gonna kick back and enjoy it, you know, savor it.

Danny DeVito: Well, who do you think you are — Justin Timberlake?

Charlie Day: What?

Danny DeVito: I mean, come on! Guys like us, we gotta really PUT OUT, baby!

Charlie Day: What?!

Danny DeVito: We gotta WORK, baby! We gotta —

Charlie Day: What do you mean, “Guys like us”? What are you getting at?

Danny DeVito: Well, you know — we’re not “pretty boys”!

Charlie Day: Hey, man — don’t say that about yourself.

Danny DeVito: I said “we’re” not “pretty boys”.

Charlie Day: Well, don’t lump ME in with YOU!

Danny DeVito: What do you mean, I’m not lumping? I’m lumping! I mean, you know, if you had a body like Scarlett Yohannsen —

Charlie Day: “Johannsen”.

Danny DeVito: Johannsen, I’m sorry! Okay! If you had a body like her…

Charlie Day: Okay.

Danny DeVito: I mean, you could just COAST a little bit. But you gotta PUT OUT! Look — this is your first time hosting “Saturday Night Live”.

Charlie Day: Yeah! It’s a big deal to me!

Danny DeVito: You’re a virgin, man!

Charlie Day: Look! You come in here, you’re interrupting my monologue –!

Danny DeVito: You gotta PUT OUT for this people! [ to the audience ] Right? [ the audience cheers wildly ] You gotta go DOWN! ON! THAT ROW!

Charlie Day: Yeah! Alright!

Danny DeVito: I know what you’re gonna do!

Charlie Day: What do you want me to do?

Danny DeVito: You gotta play a song for us!

Charlie Day: Play a song?

Danny DeVito: That’s right!

[ the audience cheers wildly, as DeVito pushes Day toward a piano on stage ]

Charlie Day: You know, it’s called a MONOLOGUE because ONE person does it! [ he sits at the piano and puts a harmonica around his neck ] Alright.

[ singing and playing ]
“I believe in who I am
I believe in Charlie Day!
Now I got the spotlight, baby!
So I’d like to say:

You may not know it!
But I’m gonna show it!
I got some tricks up my sleeve!
I play piano — medicore piano
Check it out, if you don’t believe!”

[ he runs his hand across the keys ]

“That’s called a key chain.
Was that impressive?
Well, maybe not, but that’s okay!
I’m feeling alright, because it’s show night
But it’s Charlie Day Day!”

So, hit me! Yeah, hit me!

[ DeVito runs back up again, hugging Day ]

Danny DeVito: You’re the BEST, baby! That’s hosting, baby!

Charlie Day: We’ve got a GREAT show! We got a great show for you tonight!

Danny DeVito: Tell them about the band!

Charlie Day: STOP telling me what to do!

Danny DeVito: Okay!

Charlie Day: Maroon 5 is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 5

11e: Charlie Day / Maroon 5

Kim’s Fairy Tale Divorce

Kim Kardashian…..Nasim Pedrad
Kris Jenner…..Kristen Wiig
Chris Humphries…..Andy Samberg
Kortney Kardashian…..Vanessa Bayer
Khloe Kardashian…..Abby Elliott
Bruce Jenner…..Taran Killam
Ken Harris…..Charlie Day
Lamar Odom…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on wedding day footage ]

Announcer: They already stole your heart. Now, get ready for the LATEST Kardashian event.

[ cut to Kim Kardashian ]

Kim Kardashian: Whoopsees, I got divorced!

[ dissolve to title slide ]

Announcer: “Kim’s Fairytale Divorce”.

[ dissolve to Kris Jenner ]

Kris Jenner: Can you believe I’m old enough to have a daughter who’s getting divorced? No, you can’t — because my surgeries worked! I know a lot of people think that Kim got married just to earn over $17 million from the wedding, but that’s not true — she also got married for attention. [ she laughs ] What do I have to do for attention? [ a beat ] Kill somebody?

Announcer: Tune in for a storybook ceremony, as Kim Kardashian and Chris Humphries [ he yawns ] sign their divorce papers.

[ close-up of Chris signing with an “X” ]

Kim Kardashian: You guys… it’s been really hard. All week, we’ve jsut been crying and crying and posing and crying and getting our anuses bleached.

Kourtney Kardashian: When we get two, the third anus is free.

Khloe Kardashian: I get the free one!

Kris Jenner: [ pops her head up ] I know, right! [ she smiles ] FOUR sisters!

Announcer: Stepdad Bruce Jenner will walk her down the aisle.

Bruce Jenner: [ through heavily-Botoxed face ] When I heard my Kim was getting married, I was so happy my face was like… [ he gives his best look of surprise ] But when I heard she was getting divorced, it broke my heart… my face was like… [ he gives the same face, unable to cotort it any differently ]

[ dissolve to wedding guests crying, Bruce Jenner doing so with the aid of applied eyedrops ]

Announcer: Be there for the magical moment, when Kim and Chris reach a fair financial settlement.

[ dissolve to Divorce Attorney Ken Harris eating auderbs ]

Ken Harris: I’ve handled, like, over 200 divorces, right? But this is the BEST one I’ve EVER seen! Alright? They gave me this great suit, I got to ride in on a white horse, okay? Unreal! They’ve got scallops wrapped in bacon, the bacon — look at this! — wrapped in hundred-dollar bills!

[ dissolve to footage of the family dancing and having a great time ]

Announcer: Join the Kardashians, as they cope with the pain of divorce ALL NIGHT LONG.

[ show Earth, Wind & Fire playing ]

[ dissolve to Lamar Odom, Khloe’s Husband ]

Lamar Odom: This family is weird! I mean, when they go out to dinner it’s all of them: The mom, the kids, and their grandma — Bruce Jenner. You know. It’s whackin’ fucked up!

Announcer: We may even hear from Chris Humphries…

[ dissolve to Chris Humphries ]

Chris Humphries: [ open-mouthed ] Uhhhhhh —

[ dissolve to family group photo at the divorce ]

[ dissolve to Kim Kardashian ]

Kim Kardashian: Marriages are hard… and it turns out Chris was only half the man I wanted him to be. And by that, I mean he was only half-Black. But things are looking up for me — I’m single and there’s an NBA lockout. Wink!

[ dissolve to the three Kardashian sisters smiling, as Kris Jenenr rises up to include herself ino the group shot ]

Announcer: Don’t miss the Kardashian Family Divorce. Followed by all-new episodes of “Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami”, “Bruce Jenner & Kourtney’s Baby Take Reno”, “Brody Jenner, Khloe & Kris Take Vitamins”, and the one-hour teleision special “Lamar’s Penis Revealed”.

[ dissolve to Bruce Jenner ]

Bruce Jenner: [ with no facial movement ] Only on E!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 5

11e: Charlie Day / Maroon 5

Greek Gods

Zeus…..Jason Sudeikis
Ares…..Taran Killam
Athena…..Nasim Pedrad
Apollo…..Jay Pharoah
Artemis…..Vanessa Bayer
Demeter…..Bobby Moynihan
Poseidon…..Andy Samberg
Hera…..Kristen Wiig
Eros…..Kenan Thompson
Aphrodite…..Abby Elliott
Hermes…..Paul Brittain
Hades…..Bill Hader
Yanni…..Adam Levine
Dionysus…..Charlie Day
Klaus…..Fred Armisen

[ open on rotating headlines: “Greek Economy in Peril”, “Greece: Who Will Save Us Now?”, “Greek Gods To Meet” ]

[ dissolve to slide of Mount Olympus ]

[ dissolve to a meeting of the Greek gods ]

Zeus: Order! Order, order! I, Zeus, King of the Gods, have summoned you all to Mount Olympus because, somehow, the Greek economy has collapsed! [ the other Greek gods express their shock ] I know! No, I know! I was as surprised as you are! I mean, after all, the Greeks are widely known as a hard-working, industrious people — you know, a people willing to labor week in and week out, three days a week, one hour a day until the age of 45. But today, we Gods must come to their aid. So, quick — let us hear from the Greek God of Finance! [ the other gods look around ] Wait… there is a Greek God of Finance, right? There has to be! Surely, someone has been looking after the economy all these years! Ares! Isn’t Finance part of your sphere?

Ares: No! I, Ares, am the God of War, Violence, and Bloodlust!

Zeus: [ dumbstruck ] All three? Wow! Great range! Athena — what about you?

Athena: I am also War.

Zeus: Okay… hold on. So, basically, we have two gods of War, huh?

Athena: I’m also god of Wisdom.

Zeus: Okay, great! Perfect! Okay, then, give us your wisdom.

Athena: We could go to war.

[ the other gods cheer ]

Zeus: No! No! Easy, you animals! We’re not going to war! We can figure this out! Apollo! Apollo — don’t you dabble in Finance?

Apollo: [ wearing dark sunglasses ] Nah, baby… I’m all about the sun!

Zeus: Hmm… Apollo, I keep telling you — you gotta wear sunblock.

Apollo: Man… what are you talking about, baby? [ he lifts his sunglasses to reveal white skin around his eyes ]

Zeus: [ he rolls his eyes ] Artemis — what about you?

Artemis: I am Goddess of the Hunt!

Zeus: Mmm-hmm. So, basically, also War?

Artemis: But I ‘malso Queen of the Animals! And I’ve never told anyone this, but I’m ALSO a VIRGIN!!

Zeus: [ laughing ] Yeah! Yeah, no kidding! Alright, okay. [pointing ] And, I’m sorry, who are you again?

Demeter: I am Demeter, Goddess of the Harvest, and I am not a virgin. [ he winks ]

Zeus: Uh — what about you, Poseidon, God of the Ocean? Surely, you’ve dealt with sea trade and international commerce — you know. Do you have an economic plan?

Poseidon: Okay, here’s the plan: I turn into a dolphin — hear me out! I have sex with a human woman — hear me out! It’s not consensual — hear me out! [ he pauses ] She’s my daughter.

Zeus: [ laughing ] Oh, man, you dirty dog!

Poseidon: [ laughing ] Ohhhh! You’re gonna bust my balls, Zeus?

Zeus: [ laughing ] You got me! No, man — I turn into animals that have sex with chicks ALL the time! I’m like Tiger Woods, only an actual tiger!

Hera: Ahem! [ she taps her staff ]

Zeus: [ stunned ] Crap! It’s my wife — Hera. [ coolly ] Hey, baby! Hey. I was just, uh, totally being faithful, you know? What’s up?

Hera: [ she sighs ] Have you dealt with the financial crisis yet?

Zeus: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, pretty much, yeah, we got it. [ an arrow hits him in the chest ] Hey! Eros! cool it, pal!

Eros: [ poty-faced ] Sowwy.

Zeus: Hey, Aphrodite! Keep your son in check!

Aphrodite: Please. He’s your son, too.

Zeus: [ stone-faced, turns to Hera ] Whaaat?! What?! No, she’s kidding! Come on! Come on, she’s the Goddess of Laughs, that one! [ he laughs ]

Hera: Okay, well… you’re not the only one having affairs. I just had sex with a dlophin. [ Poseidon is now stone-faced ] Though, it was disappointing.

Poseidon: Yeah… well… the dolphin told me to tell you… that the ocean was really cold. So… that explains it. Besides…

Zeus: Hmm…

Hera: Also, I need to go to the doctor because I got actual crabs.

Zeus: Oh. Yeah. Okay. [ Hera leaves ] See ya’! [ to the other gods ] Okay, financial solutions! We need ’em, who’s got ’em? Hermes!

Hermes: Yeah, uhhhh, I could send them a message!

Zeus: [ he shakes his head ] You’re the WORST! Yuo really are the worst. You’re TERRIBLE! Hades! God of the Underworld! What have you got?

Hades: We could just kill everyone. I don’t know — I only do ONE thing.

Zeus: Yeah, I know! I know, I know… I don’t even know why I asked. Maybe it’s time for Zoloft, buddy. Alright? Okay, uh, who else? What about the Greek God of music — Yanni?

[ reveal Yanni playing on keyboards as the wind whips through his hair ]

Zeus: [ he rolls his eyes ] Okay, that was helpful. Dionysus! Where’s Dionysus, the god of Festivals and Drunkeness? Is he here?

[ Dionysus runs in ]

Dionysus: Oh! Yeah! Hey! [ laughing ] Oh, man, sorry I’m late! You know — orgy stuff!

Zeus: Mmm-hmm.

Dionysus: Yeah, I had, like, ten orgies!

Zeus: Great.

Dionysus: Demeter knows what I’m talking about!

Demeter: [ laughing ] Shut up!

Dionysus: By the way — Athena? You were great last night.

Athena: [ confused ] Uh — what was last night?

Dionysus: When you turned into a goat! Yeah? [ alarmed ] What, did you not turn into a goat?

Athena: Nope.

Dionysus: So I just banged a regular goat?

Zeus: [ laughing ] Yeah!

Dionysus: [ he shrugs it off ] I’ve done worse! [ they laugh ] So what’s up, guys?

Zeus: you know — we’re just trying to find out which god is in charge of Finance.

Dionysus: Uh-oh!

Zeus: Uh-oh?

Hermes: It’s the PARTY God’s fault, Zeus! He’s been overseeing ALL the Greek banks!

Dionysus: Hey, SHUT UP, you little BITCH!

Zeus: Yeah, SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE BITCH!! By my own beard, is this true?

Dionysus: Well, kinda…

Zeus: Yeah?

Dionysus: You know… I mean, look, I’ve been dealing with the spending part, you know? I’ve got the spending part of the economy — I’ve got that mastered. You know — spending!

Zeus: Right.

Dionysus: What’s the other part?

Zeus: Uh — saving.

Dionysus: Ohhhhh!! [ laughing ] No, I didn’t do that! I didn’t do that part, man!

Zeus: Well, then you leave me no choice. I summon Klaus, the German God of Prudence and Austerity!

Klaus: [ enters, weilding a wooden hammer ] Okay. Listen up — I will lend you zis money, but first you must take some some responsibility and make some serious cutbacks! Ya?

[ the other gods object ]

Zeus: No way! Sorry, Klaus. Now, either you give us the money, or we take ALL of Europe down with us. I mean, we started democracy, we can end it.

Klaus: Okay, fine!

[ the gods cheer ]

[ cut to spinning newspaper, with headline: “Greece Gets Bailout” ]

[ zoom in on sub-headline: “Vows to Spend It Unwisely” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 5

11e: Charlie Day / Maroon 5

Goodnights

…..Charlie Day

Charlie Day: Thanks to Maroon 5, Danny DeVito, Travie McCoy from Gym Class Heroes! I had an AMAZING time, I love this cast and I love this show! Thanks, Lorne Michaels! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 5

11e: Charlie Day / Maroon 5

A Message from the Ghost of Moammer Gaddafi

Moammer Gaddafi…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: And now a message from the Ghost of Moammer Gaddafi.

[ dissolve to Moammer Gaddafi in an undisclosed location ]

Moammer Gaddafi: I’m baaaaaaack!! [ he laughs ] How’s it going, America? Man! What a crazy couple of weeks, huh? I don’t know if you guys saw this on the news or on one of the thousands of cell phone videos, but, uh… I got murdered pretty bad last week! [ he laughs ] And I know you’re thinking, you know: “Did they really kill him?” Yeah, trust me — THEY DID! I mean, they really tore me a new one — literally.

But, you know I learned a lot from this experience, so I thought that I, Ghost Gaddafi, would offer you, the living, a few pieces of advice.

First: Never dare people to kill you. As strategies go, “I dare you to kill me” is pretty much the WORST one. [ he laughs ]

Second: No matter how confident you are, no matter how long you are in power, never refer to your people as “rats”. That could really come back to haunt you when you’re trapped in a sewer pipe.

Which brings me to my third point: You can never reason with a mob. You know, these guys came up to me screaming: “We’re going to KILL you, Moammer!” And I’m like: “Bros! Come on, bros! We’re all bros here!” But, yeah, these guys were decidely NOT my bros. I don’t know if you saw the Youtube clips, but… Wow-wow-wee-wah! Yeah. The elevator from “The Shining” called — it wants its BLOOD back!

Anyway, as you might have guessed, I’m in Hell now. [ he looks around ] Which, as you can see, looks pretty much like Libya. But, you know, Hell is not that bad, you know? My friends are here — you know, Saddam… Stalin… the band from those FreeCreditReport.com commercials. They do a gig like every night, you know? Plus, you know, in Hell there’s a lot of dead leopards and tigers, so, in terms of wardrobe, I’m doing okay! [ he laughs ] And, you know, I don’t mnid the heat in Hell, because my face was pretty melty to begin with.

So I just want to say Goodbye to all my closest friends. All the western oil companies… my wingman, Senor ?? … and the American government, which, uh, kept giving me chance after chance despite my numerous atrocities against mankind. I’d like to think they saw something good in me, but it could have just been the oil… I don’t know. Either way, I guess it’s true what they say: “If you’re a horrible dictator who tortures his people, you can only get away with it for, like, 42 years.”

And, of course, a final farewell to my beautiful African princess Condaleeza Rice. I think the poem in my journal said it best: “Condi, Condi, Condi… come over to my condo, condo, condo.”

God bless us, everyone, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 5

11e: Charlie Day / Maroon 5

The Dr. Oz Show

Dr. Mehmet Oz…..Bill Hader
Kenny Hayes…..Charlie Day

[ open on “Dr. Oz” graphics ]

[ dissolve to set ]

Dr. Oz: Welcome back! Welcome back to “The Dr. Oz Show”. I want to correct something I said on the last segment about home remedies — I meant to say “Vinegar and water douche”; not “Vinegar and oil.” That would be bad, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, this is the part of the show where the audience gets to ask their medical questions. So who’s got one? Who’s got a question? [ almost every audience member raises their hand, except for one man ] You, sir! You, sir.

Kenny Hayes: Oh. No, I-I-I-I’m good! I’m good!

Dr. Oz: No, come on. Don’t be embarrassed. What’s your name?

Kenny Hayes: Well, it’s Kenny… but I don’t really want to talk about it.

Dr. Oz: Oh, come on, get up. I bet there are people in this audience who are having the same problem as you, and would appreciate your courage. Okay? [ to the audience ] Am I right? Am I right?

[ the audience claps ]

Kenny Hayes: Uh… well, a few years ago, I-I broke my tailbone skiing —

Dr. Oz: Oooooh… there’s a lot of NERVES in your tailbone, everybody — a lot of NERVES. A lot of nerves. Go ahead, Kenny.

Kenny Hayes: Alright, well… I noticed I’ve been having problems with my, uh… [ he coughs ] my evacuations.

Dr. Oz: You’re talking about your BOWEL movements! You’re talking about your bowel movements.

Kenny Hayes: [ embarrassed ] Yeah.

Dr. Oz: Okay. So you can’t always tell if your train’s going through the station or not, right?

Kenny Hayes: Yeah. Th-th-that’s exactly right…

Dr. Oz: You’re not alone. You’re not alone. Thousands of people share the experience, and there’s actually a name for it — you have what’s commonly called…a “dead rectum”. Okay, let me hear you saiy it, Kenny: “I have a dead rectum.”

Kenny Hayes: “I have a dead rectum.”

Dr. Oz: Okay, okay. Who else in the audience also has a dead rectum? Who else? Who else? [ nobody raises their hand ] Nobody? See, Kenny? Okay, okay. Well, you’re in luck! Okay? I got something I want to show you. Come over here. Come over here.

Kenny Hayes: I’m okay…

Dr. Oz: Audience? Come on!

[ the audience cheers Kenny forward ]

Dr. Oz: Okay — [ he flips a cloth back ] THIS is a healthy human rectum.

Kenny Hayes: No, no…

Dr. Oz: I want to thank a doctor friend of mine in China for hooking me up with so many of these great body parts you see on the show. He knows who he is! [ he winks ] Okay. Okay, now, Kenny — I want you to hold this rectum up to your face.

Kenny Hayes: [ he flinches ] No, I — I really don’t want to do that.

Dr. Oz: Oh, come on, do it! It’s not gonna bite you, buddy. Come on, do it. It’s alright. Okay. To pull up some confusion, here’s what we’re gonna do: I’m gonna pinch this end, and I want you to BLOW into the rectum. Okay? Can we get a close-up of this, please? Can we get a close-up? [ cut to close-up ] Okay, now blow into it, buddy. Come on, it’s not gonna bite you. Get in there. [ Kenny blows into the rectum ] There you go! That’s good. Okay, now that… is a normal rectum. It tightens old fecal matter. And so you’re ready to get rid of it, but, in your case, it just falls right out.

Kenny Hayes: What?! My rectum doesn’t fall right out!

Dr. Oz: In other words… if your rectum is a musical instrument, a healthy one would sound like this: [ he toots his lips like a trumpet ] But yours… sounds like a ship horn: [ he makes a loud noise ] I’m still not sure you’re getting it, Kenny.

Kenny Hayes: [ embarrassed ] No, I got it! Okay, let’s move on!

Dr. Oz: No, no, no, no, no! I want to make it real clear. I want you to put this on: [ he puts a hat on Kenny’s head ] This is gonna clear things up. Okay, I’m gonna put this on you. [ he puts a sign labeled “POOP” over Kenny ] Okay? Alright.

Kenny Hayes: Don’t you have, like, you know, graphics you can use for this?

Dr. Oz: Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Okay, okay. You’re gonna play the role of your own poop, okay? And over here is your dead rectum. [ he pushes Kenny toward a long pink tube ] Okay, I want you to walk through here — I’m gonna show you something. I want to show you something. Now, walk — go through the end and come through. [ Kenny steps into the tube and walks ] Now watch as the poop goes through the dead rectum… right through there, right into his boxer shorts. Just like that! [ he puts a pair of boxer shorts over Kenny’s head ] Audience — this is what happens to this guy all the time.

Kenny Hayes: [ embarrassed ] No, it doesn’t happen all the time!

Dr. Oz: It just happened right, now, didn’t it?

Kenny Hayes: No, it didn’t happen just now!

Dr. Oz: Kenny… I announced it. But there is a medical solution. You go home, get in the shower… [ he babbles nonsense words ]

Kenny Hayes: That was just GIBBERISH!

Dr. Oz: Yeah. everybody, you just watched Kenny Hayes crap himself on live television. I hope your Tivos were set. We’ll be right back.

Kenny Hayes: How do you know my last name?!

[ cut to promo slide: “Well Be Right Back with Kenny “The Poop Man” Hayes” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 5

11e: Charlie Day / Maroon 5

Crime Scene

Police Officer…..Bill Hader
Crime Detective…..Charlie Day
Officer Dan Owens…..Jason Sudeikis
George Costanza…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on stock footage of police cars arriving at a city block ]

[ dissolve to interior, apartment — police and other personel standing around a couch draped with a cloth ]

[ a Police Officer enters the apartment with the Crime Detective ]

Police Officer: This way, Detective. [ he acknowledges a fellow officer ] Officer Dan Owens — he was first on the scene.

Crime Detective: Alright, alright, alright — I want EVERYONE out of this room! Everyone, NOW!!

Police Officer: You heard him! Everyone out, now! Come on, everyone out!

Crime Detective: [ to Officer Dan Owens ] You — stick around!

Police Officer: [ to the last of the group ] Come on! Let’s go!

[ the Police Officer exits the apartment, leaving Officer Dan Owens alone with the Crime Detective ]

Crime Detective: Alright! What do we got here, Owens?

Officer Dan Owens: Uh — well, sir, uh — the victim was a male in his 30’s, multilpe and varied stab wounds… he was found by a neighbor, uh… no forced entry, and no one heard a thing.

Crime Detective: Yeahhhh… it looks like we got ourselves a real crime of PASSION, don’t we?!

Officer Dan Owens: Yes, sir… yes, sir, we do. [ he looks around as the Detective thinks ] Hey, doesn’t this place look a lot like the “Seinfeld” apartment! That’s weird, huh?

Crime Detective: [ annoyed ] What the hell are you talking about?!

Officer Dan Owens: I — I’m just saying. You know — the couch here, the kitchen over there. It looks a lot like the — well, Jerry’s apartment from “Seinfeld”.

Crime Detective: Yeah, yeah… no, no, no, no! What’s “Seinfeld”?

Officer Dan Owens: [ taken aback ] Well, you know — the TV show.

Crime Detective: [ chomping on his cigar ] Uh, sorry, kid — I don’t own a TV.

Officer Dan Owens: Okay. But you’ve seen “Seinfeld”?

Crime Detective: HEY!! I TOLD you!! I don’t own a television!!

Officer Dan Owens: So you’ve NEVER heard of “Seinfeld”?

Crime Detective: Look, kid — I go to museums!! I read books!! I HATE TV!! I walk into a room with a television, I walk right back out!! You get it?!!

Officer Dan Owens: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I’m sorry, okay?

Crime Detective: Alright. Let’s take a looksie. [ he peeks at the corpse under the cloth ] Oooh, baby! Whoever did that really wanted him dead, huh?

Officer Dan Owens: Uh… yeah. Yeah. [ looking at a collection on the bookshelf ] Oh, man — this guy really loved baseball, huh? Look at all this memorabilia!

Crime Detective: What the hell are you talking about?

Officer Dan Owens: I’m just saying, all this stuff. It’s pretty expensive. This guy must be like a regular Bob Costas, huh?

Crime Detective: What?!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, Bob Costas. Right. Um, he’s on TV. He, uh, he knows, like, everything about baseball.

Crime Detective: Yeah, I know. Baseball! I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, come on!

Crime Detective: Kid! I don’t have a TV!

Officer Dan Owens: You don’t need a TV to know about BASEBALL!!

Crime Detective: Really?! Well, I must have! Because I don’t know what YOU’RE talking about!!

Officer Dan Owens: Come on! Baseball? It’s a sport! BASE BALL!

Crime Detective: Hey!! Not once has this so-called “BASE BALL” ever helped me solve a crime!! So can we stay on target?!

Officer Dan Owens: Sure.

Crime Detective: Hey, back up! Look at this!

Officer Dan Owens: What?

Crime Detective: Ohhh, it looks like we got a murder weapon right here, huh? [ he leans over and picks up a knife ] Look at that!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, boy, look at that! It looks a bayoney from World War II, right?

Crime Detective: What’s that, another TV show?

Officer Dan Owens: WHAT?! Come on! World War II?!

Crime Detective: Hey, Terd-box! I don’t own a television!!

Officer Dan Owens: You’re telling me you’ve NEVER heard of World War II?!

Crime Detective: BINGO!!

Officer Dan Owens: Come on!! Adolph Hitler?!!

Crime Detective: What’s he, another one of your “Fieldstein” characters?!

Officer Dan Owens: NOOO!!! It’s “SEINFELD”!! And he killed MILLIONS of people!!

Crime Detective: Yeah, well, unless your buddy Hitler killed THIS guy, I suggest we move on!

Officer Dan Owens: Okay, fine! Alright, fine, okay. So no forced entry, no sign of a struggle — maybe the two people knew each other, right?

Crime Detective: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, right! Like a neighbor, right?

Officer Dan Owens: Yeah!

Crime Detective: Like, someone who owns a key, comes over a lot.

Officer Dan Owens: Yeah.

Crime Detective: Let me think, let me think… So he comes in the door, right?

Officer Dan Owens: Yeah. Okay.

Crime Detective: [ he exits the apartment ] And he walsk in like this: [ he opens the door and bursts through like Kramer ]

Officer Dan Owens: OH, COME ON!!

Crime Detective: What?!

Officer Dan Owens: YOU’RE DOING KRAMER!!

Crime Detective: What?!

Officer Dan Owens: [ laughing ] You’re doing Kramer!!

Crime Detective: I don’t know what you’re talking about! [ he turns around and bugs out like Kramer at the sight of two soup bowls ]

Officer Dan Owens: Oh! Come on!

Crime Detective: There’s two bowls of soup right here!

Officer Dan Owens: So, alright — so?

Crime Detective: So one’s empty… and one’s completely untouched!

Officer Dan Owens: So, what — you think someone didn’t like his soup and killed him over it?

Crime Detective: [ thinking ] What, like some kind of soup Nazi?

Officer Dan Owens: [ outraged ] NO!!

Crime Detective: What?!

Officer Dan Owens: You just referenced a “Seinfeld” episode AND Hitler’s political party that took over HALF of Europe!!

Crime Detective: [ confused ] You’re a what, now?

Officer Dan Owens: [ flabbergasted ] Oh, give me a break!!

Crime Detective: Hey, kid!! I’m trying to solve a CRIME here, alright?! We got NO clues, NO suspects, NO witnesses! LOOK — it’s the bottom of the Ninth, Owens, we need a… a… a GRAND SALM!!

Officer Dan Owens: HEY!! That’s BASEBALL!!

Crime Detective: No, that’s COP TALK!!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, give me a break! This is ridiculous!

[ suddenly, George Costanza emerges from the bedroom, clutching a knife ]

George Costanzae: DIE, JERRY!!

[ George lunges toward Officer Dan Owens, but the Crime Detective punches him down ]

Crime Detective: Look out!!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, my God…

Crime Detective: Yeah, it looks like we got our perp, huh?

Officer Dan Owens: You saved my life!

Crime Detective: Yeah…

Officer Dan Owens: I can’t beleive it! Thank you! Thank you so much!

Crime Detective: Ah, you know, that’s… that’s something you don’t learn on Tv.

[ the Crime Detective removes a pair of sunglasses from under his voat and puts them on his eyes, as The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” from “CSI: Miami” blares ]

Officer Dan Owens: [ dumbfounded ] What the hell?!

Crime Detective: Well, that’s “CSI: Miami”. I watch “CSI”!

Officer Dan Owens: Okay, I’m out of here, forget it! [ he exits the apartment ]

Crime Detective: I watch it on iTunes!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 5


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


November 5th, 2011

Charlie Day

Maroon 5

None

Danny DeVito

Travie McCoy

None

A Message From the Ghost of Moammar GaddafiSummary: Live from Hell, The Ghost of Moammar Gaddafi (Fred Armisen) reports on his recent capture and death and gives a status update.

Recurring Characters: Moammar Gaddafi.

Transcript

Montage

Charlie Day’ MonologueSummary: Having achieved his dream of hosting “SNL”, Charlie Day plans to relax and take easy, but “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” co-star and frequent “SNL” host, Danny DeVito, tells him he has to really put out and deliver, so Day performs a song about himself.

Transcript

Kim’s Fairy Tale DivorceSummary: E! promises lots of glamour and excitement when it televises the hot divorce proceedings between Kim Kardashian (Nasim Pedrad) and CHris Humphies (Andy Samberg).

Recurring Characters: Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian.

Transcript

The Dr. Oz ShowSummary: Dr. Oz (Bill Hader) embarrasses an audience member Charlie Day) by offering poor medical advice for his dead rectum.

Transcript

Greek GodsSummary: Zeus (Jason Sudeikis) organizes the other Greek gods so they can put their heads together to help solve the current financial crisis in Greece.

Transcript

It’s Getting Freaky with Cee Lo Green!Summary: Cee Lo Green (Kenan Thompson), Freakasaurus (Charlie Day) and Colonel Nasty (Bill Hader) help a couple (Andy Samberg, Abby Elliott) put the freaky back into their marriage.

Recurring Characters: Cee Lo Green, Colonel Nasty, The Atlanta Horns.

The Original Kings Of Catchphrase Comedy Volume 2Summary: A group of hacky comedians are back on tour with even more of their catchphrase-repeating friends.

Recurring Characters: David “Beef Jelly” Winfield, Goran “Funky Boy” Bogdan, Slappy Pappy, Addi “News Flash” Sweeney, Boston Powers, Fur Coat Rhonda.

Maroon 5 performs “Moves Like Jagger”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Rick Perry (Bill Hader) defends allegations that he was drunk while delivering a speech in New Hampshire. Seth Meyers offers “A Closer Look at Europe” in order to explain Greece’s financial crisis. Travel guru Judy Grimes (Kristen Wiig) counters her nervousness by kidding around while attempting to reveal last-minute travel bargains.

Recurring Characters: Rick Perry, Judy Grimes.

Because of One DolphinSummary: On the set of a new family film, an actor (Charlie Day) is frustrated by both his dolphin co-star’s animal trainer (Taran Killam) and a boom mic operator (Kenan Thompson) who thinks he can do a better job with the scene.

Maroon 5 and Travie McCoy perform “Stereo Heart”

Crime SceneSummary: Detective (Charlie Day) pleads ignorance to officer’s (Jason Sudeikis) pop culture references while attempting to solve a murder.

Transcript

Lil PoundcakeSummary: The realistic doll that gives HPV vaccination shots to little girls.

Note: Repeat from 11b

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Herman Cain SingsSummary: Herman Cain (Kenan Thompson) sings songs out of context using his own words.

Recurring Characters: Herman Cain.

Computer StoreSummary: Computer store manager (Charlie Day) hires only ex-prostitutes to move his merchandise.

The Blue Jean CommitteeSummary: Members of the Blue Jean Committee (Fred Armisen, Charlie Day, Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson) are local western Massachusetts boys about to go national, but still wow the crowd at the local bar with their hit “Massachusetts Afternoon”.

Note: This sketch will later air on the episode hosted by Jason Segel.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 4

11d: Anna Faris / Drake

Tell Him

Waiter…..Andy Samberg
Kendra…..Vanessa Bayer
Anna…..Anna Faris
Abby…..Abby Elliott
Nasim…..Nasim Pedrad
Kristen…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, Sip ‘N Soda malt shop ]

[ dissolve to interior, five girls seated at table ]

Waiter: Four root beer floats! Enjoy, ladies.

[ he walks away, as four of the girls enjoy their floats as Kendra just sits there ]

Anna: Hey… what’s the matter, Kendra?

Kristen: Yeah, Kendra — you LOVE root beer floats!

Kendra: Oh, you know… just boy drama.

Nasim: what happened?

Kendra: Well… there’s this guy. And, well… we’ve been texting and, well… I’m really into him and, well… I can’t tell if he’s into ,i>me or not!

Abby: Well… have you talked to him yet?

Kendra: I would, but… I don’t know what to say!

Kristen: Alright, Kendra — listen up.

[ Kristen signals to Nasim, who nods and presses the jukebox ]

[ the four girls stand, as The Exciters’ “Tell Him” starts to play ]

Kristen: [ singing]
“I know, something about love!
You gotta want him bad!
If the guy’s got into your blood
Go out and get him…

If you want him to be
The very part of you
That makes you want to breathe
Is the thing to do:”

Girls: [ singing ]
Tell him, that, you’re never gonna leave him
Tell him, that, you’re always gonna love him
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now!”

Kendra: But, guys! I DID tell him that — on our FIRST date! I told him I would NEVER leave him, and that I would ALWAYS love him! He seemed really weirded out.

Anna: Oh, my God! Yuo can’t say something that itnense on yor first date!

[ the girls pull Kendra from the table and seat her at the center of the room ]

Nasim: Yeah, Kendra! When you first start dating a guy, you have to keep things light and casual. Before you tell him you love him, you have to tell him a lot of other things first.

Girls: [ singing ]Tell him, that, you don’t care if you have kids!
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him all lies!”

Kendra: [ confused ] But I LOVE him! Why would I lie to him?

Nasim: She’s not getting it!

Anna: You see, lies are a natural part of the dating process.

Kristen: Especially early on!

Abby: You need to show him that you’re not one of those girls.

Kendra: What do you mean, those girls?

Abby: I mean… girls.[ singing ]
“You need to…”

Girls: [ singing ]
Tell him, that, you play Call of Duty!
Tell him you’re a to-tal nerd and you love reading comics!”

Kendra: [ jumping to her feet ] But I don’t understand! I don’t even know what Call of Duty is! What if he asks me to play it with him?

Nasim: Trust me — he’ll NEVER ask you to play! He just wants you to appreciate all the time he spends playing it!

Kendra: And if guys want to watch sports and sci-fi all day, why don’t they just date each other?

Anna: Increasingly, they do. In fact, pyschologists predict that, eventually, all men will become gay just to watch their favorite shows.

Kristen: But, for now, they still need sex. And when it coems to that, you have to seem fun and up for anything!

Girls: [ singing ]
“Tell him, that, you’re open to a three-way!
Tell him, that, you watch porn every day!
Tell him, that, you’re not grossed out when he says the word panties!”

Waiter: Well, what do you want us to call them?

Girls: “UNDERWEAR!”

[ the Waiter throws his arms up in disgust and backs away ]

Kendra: Okay. So early on, I have to lie to him a little, but once we’re dating, then we’re jsut honest with each other, right?

Abby: No. And then you enter a new phase of lies. I call it “Maintaining the Mystery.”[ singing ]
“I know, something about men, they never want to know.
How us, women keep it all up
You have to hide it.

If you want him to stay
Pining after you
Then you have to hide
The things all women do.”

Girls: [ singing ]
“Tell him, that, you’re naturally hairless!
Make him, think, you never use the bathroom!
Then when he’s sleeping, you can run to Star-bucks!”

Kendra: Wait! I can never go to the bathroom?

Girls: NOOOOO!!!

Kristen: Of course not! I went away to Mexico with a guy once. I spent so much time in the lobby bathroom, people started tipping me. One night, after a bigdinner, I had to fake a kindapping just to get a couple hours alone. But it was worth it, because, at the end of the trip, he said I was one of the chillest girls he ever met and that he would call me!

Kendra: Did he?

Kristen: [ she pauses ] It’s been a real crazy work year for him. [ she smiles uneasy ] We’re gonna hang out real soon, though.

Kendra: This all seems like a LOT of deception, jsut to fall in love!

Anna: But here’s the deal — these are just the things we have to say until we actually fallin love. When you meet “The One”, none of this matters! You can finally just be yourself and not worry about playing games or tricking him.

Kristen & Anna: [ singing ]
Then you know it will be, true love from fairy tales
You’ll both be ha-appy, but if he tries to bail…”

Girls: [ singing ]
“Tell him, that, you’repreg-nant and it’s his kid!
Tell him, that, you need to get married!
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right…
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right…
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now!”

[ the song ends, they pose in place, the camera pulls back and we fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 4

11d: Anna Faris / Drake

What’s Wrong With Tanya?!

Vince Blake…..Bill Hader
Mary Jo Williams…..Vanessa Bayer
JoBeth Anderson…..Kristen Wiig
Mary Jo Beth Jojo…..Anna Faris
Tanya…..Abby Elliott
Boy Tanya…..Andy Samberg

[ open on Lifetime graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching Lifetime, tlevision for women. White women. And now, from the creators of Lifetime original movies like “What Did Becky See?” and “Where Does Brenda Go At Night?” comes the first ever Lifetime original game show. It’s time to play:

[ dissolve to game show set ]

Audience: “What’s! Wrong! With! Tanya?!”

Announcer: Now here’s your host — Vince Blake!

Vince Blake: Thank you! And welcome to “What’s Wrong With Tanya?!”, the game show where mothers from Lifetime Original Movies try and guess what’s wrong with beautiful daughter Tanya. Let’s meet our contestants. First up, from Pleasant Grove — Mary Jo Williams!

Mary Jo Williams: Hello!

Vince Blake: It says here that you and your family live in a quiet town on a quiet street.

Mary Jo Williams: Nothing bad could EVER happen to us!

Vince Blake: [ ominously ] Or so it would seem… [ he grins ] Next up, from Pleasant Falls — JoBeth Anderson! It says here that your new husband has a locked drawer in his office that you’re not allowed to open.

JoBeth Anderson: [ she throws up her hands ] It’s none of my business!

Vince Blake: And, finally, from Pleasant Town — Mary Jo Beth Jojo! It says here that you have the perfect life.

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Perfect from the outside. [ she sips a glass of Chardonnay ]

Vince Blake: [ chuckling ] Yikes! Okay, let’s, uh, go to the rules. A Lifetime Movie Tanya will walk out, and you’ll have fifty seconds to guess… what’s wrong with her.

JoBeth Anderson: [ distraught ] There’s NOTHING wrong with her!

Vince Blake: Yes… yes, there is. Alright, let’sb ring out our first Tanya!

[ Tanya walks out and hangs her head low ]

Vince Blake: Alright. Mothers! What is wrong… with Tanya?

[ the three ladies chant “Tanya! Tanya! Tanya!”, until Mary Jo Beth Jojo finally buzzes in ]

Vince Blake: Mary Jo Beth Jojo!

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Tanya! You’ve been gonig to those parties where girls do oral sex for bracelets!

[ ding! ]

Vince Blake: That’s right! That’s right! She goes to those parties, which are a real thing! Good work, Mary Jo! You won a Volvo filled with groceries! Let’s bring out our next Tanya!

[ Boy Tanya walks out ]

JoBeth Anderson: But it CAN’T happen to a boy!

Vince Blake: So you thought! Alright, Mothers, what’s wrong with Boy Tanya?

[ the three ladies chant “Tanya! Tanya! Tanya!”, until Mary Jo Williams finally buzzes in ]

Vince Blake: Mary Jo Williams!

Mary Jo Williams: Tanya! You’re a secret stripper!

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blake: No!

[ JoBeth Anderson buzzes in ]

JoBeth Anderson: Tanya! You’re pregnant!

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blake: What?! No! Come on!

[ Mary Jo Beth Jojo buzzes in ]

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Tanya! Your English teacher caught you cheating, so he made you take naked pictures, and now they’re online and it’s giving you an eating disorder, and, also, you can’t read!

[ Boy Tanya begins to cry ]

[ ding! ]

Vince Blake: Alright, Mary Jo Beth Jojo! You’re in the lead with five fleece panchos for jogging! So you move to our Lightning Round. Jobeth, Mary Jo… you may watch the rest of the game while you pretend to rake leaves.

[ Mary Jo Williams and JoBeth Anderson each grab a rake, as Mary Jo Beth Jojo joins Vince at the center of the stage ]

Vince Blake: [ grabbing Mary Jo Beth Jojo’s arm ] Let’s get you on your mark here…

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Oh! You’re hurting my arm!

Vince Blake: [ yelling in her face ] WHO’S GONNA LEAVE YOU?! [ he regains his composure ] Now, in this round, I’ll say something Tanya’s doing… you either say “Yes” or scream “No!” Let’s get twenty seconds on the clock. [ he begins, as soft piano music plays ] Tanya’s back on the ssim team.

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: [ petrified ] Yes.

[ ding! ]

Vince Blake: The girls at school are saying Tanya’s easy.

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Noooo!

[ ding! ]

Vince Blake: Tanya has bruises on her shoulder.

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: TANYA!!

Vince Blake: Judges?

[ ding! ]

Vince Blake: Tanya had a baby at Prom.

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Noooo!!

[ ding! ]

Vince Blake: She named the baby “Tanya”.

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Yes.

[ ding! ]

Vince Blake: Congrats, Mary Jo Beth Jojo — you win EVERYTHING a woman could ever want.

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: But… whatever happened to Tanya?

Vince Blake: She died.

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Oh. Well… thanks for having me!

Vince Blake: You’re not going anywhere. You’ll never leave me. [ a scary beat ] That’s our show! Stay tuend for the Lifetime Original Comedy… “Weekend at Meredith Baxter-Birney’s”! Bye!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts