Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 4

11d: Anna Faris / Drake

The Charlie Rose Show

Charlie Rose…..Bill Hader
Mark Zuckerberg…..Andy Samberg
Arianna Huffington…..Nasim Pedrad
Reed Hastings…..Jason Sudeikis
Rupert Murdoch…..Fred Armisen

[ open on “Charlie Rose” graphics ]

Announcer: From our studios in New York City, this is “Charlie Rose”.

[ dissolve to set ]

Charlie Rose: Hello, I’m Charlie Rose. and for those of you curious about our theme music, it’s a spunky pop-jazz number called “Sadona Samba”. Tonight: A tribute to the late Steve Jobs. The legendary founder of Apple died last week at the age of 56. We’ll hear from his admirers in the world of technology and media on what the Steve Jobs legacy means. Joining me tonight: He is the fouder of Facebook.com and a visionary of modern communication — Mark Zuckerberg.

Mark Zuckerberg: [ disheveled ] Look! I dressed up!

Charlie Rose: Very nice. She is the founder and editor of The Huffington Post — Ariana Huffington.

Arianna Huffington: Hello, Charlie. I love what you haven’t done with the place.

Charlie Rose: He is the CEO of the streaming media service Netflix, and the offshoot Quickster — Reed Hastings.

Reed Hastings: Actually, we’re not going to start Quickster any more. We just announced that Netflix and quickster are going to merge into one simple company… called Netflix.

Charlie Rose: Let us know if the company makes any terrible decisions in the next hour.

Reed Hastings: I will! And we will!

Charlie Rose: Finally: Joining us from London, he is the founder and CEO of NewsCorp and the world’s oldest mean girl — Rupert Murdoch.

Rupert Murdoch: I regret nothing!

Charlie Rose: Thank you all. I am pleased to have you back at this table. Welcome. Steve Jobs. How were each of you… influenced… by Steve Jobs?

Mark Zuckerberg: Well, Mr. Jobs taught me that you could bring beauty to the world of technology. He wanted his products to be works of art that were both efficient and elegant.

Charlie Rose: And how do you apply that elegance to Facebook.com?

Mark Zuckerberg: Oh, I don’t! Not at all! I mean, Facebook.com started off a simple user-friendly website… but now it’s just a mess! I mean, it’s covered in ads and invites from local bands, like the bulletin board at an annoying coffee shop.

Charlie Rose: I’d say Facebook has become flooded and confusing, a jambalaya of Farmville updates and vampire requests.

Mark Zuckerberg: Indeed. Steve Jobs once said that people don’t know what they like until you show it to them. So at Facebook, we show them things… and they don’t like them.

Charlie Rose: Now, Arianna Huffington. Wht did you learn from Steve Jobs?

Arianna Huffington: Well, you know, Steve was completely hands-on with every component of apple Computers.

Charlie Rose: And that’s how you run Huffington Post?

Arianna Huffington: No. No! Could you be serious? I’ve been to the Huffington Post, maybe, ten or five times. The last time I went, everyone was like, “Who are you?” And I was like, “I’m your boss.” And they were like, “Could you be serious?” And I was like, “I have to go, this place is disgusting!”

Charlie Rose: Apple Computers stood for one thing: Innovation. Now, what does Huffington Post stand for?

Arianna Huffington: You know, like a million different things: The politics, sports, weddings, Alec Baldwin articles, photos of boobies, health and fitness, complaints from Bill Mahar, food, and more boobies.

Charlie Rose: Reed Hastings. Why aren’t most seasoned CEOs like Steve Job

Reed Hastings: Well, what you have to understand is, it’s a lot easier to not be like Steve Jobs. I mean, he had great ideas, he worked incredibly hard, and he never compromised. He set an annoyingly high standard of integrity.

Mark Zuckerberg: Sure. sure

Arianna Huffington: It’s disgusting!

Charlie Rose: Is it fair to say Netflix hasn’t measured up to that standard?

Reed Hastings: [ laughing heartily ] Are you joking? No! No, we SUCK right now! Uh — I mean, Steve Jobs rejected several models of the iPhone until his designers got it just right. THAT’S integrity. Okay? We — we don’t reject any ideas at Netflix. Alright? If someone suggests something, even as a joke — you know, BOOM! — we do it! Okay? Comparing Apple to Netflix is like comparing apples to oranges — especially if the oranges made so many mistakes that people stopped eating oranges and just went back to Blockbuster.

Charlie Rose: [ spraying his table with Pledge ] Excuse me for a second… [ he wipes ] Alright.

Reed Hastings: That’s a nice scent.

Charlie Rose: [ sniffing ] It is. [ he puts the Pledge away ] Jobs said in his 2005 Stanford address that people can learn a lot from failure. Do you think that’s true?

Reed Hastings: Well, you know… I’m kind of in mid-failure right now, so it’shard to say.

Charlie Rose: So, do you have anything in common with Steve Jobs?

Reed Hastings: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uhh…. I guess we both wore bad jeans. also, uh, Apple Computers started in a garage, and pretty soon Netflix will have to move to a garage. Yeah, in fact, actually, if anyone is renting their garage out, please let us know. We’d prefer one with no cars parked in it. Actually, you know what? We could use the hoods as desks, so, uh, cars are fine. Sorry!

Charlie Rose: Make sure you ask for the first three months up front. Rupert Murdoch! What do you think when you hear the name Steve Jobs?

Rupert Murdoch: Uh, well, Charlie, as I said last week, I think of him as the greatest CEO of our generation.

Charlie Rose: What do you think that you and he have in common?

Rupert Murdoch: [ he laughs heartily ] Nothing! Absolutely nothing! Steve Jobs used new media to make the world a better place, and I used OLD media to make it a much, much worse one, frankly. For example: On the day Steve unveiled the iPhone, I launched a new London tabloid called Snooper! It’s just photos of celebrities going to the bathroom. I love it!

Charlie Rose: So you could say that you and Steve Jobs are complete opposites?

Rupert Murdoch: Exactly! Steve Jobs made the iPad; it’s $500 and opens up a world of information. I make the New York Post; it’s fifty cents, and I dare you to find a full sentence in it!

Charlie Rose: Now, Steve Jobs saw the bet in people. You see people as animals.

Rupert Murdoch: Right. I was gonna say slugs, but, uh… animals is alright. [ he laughs ]

Charlie Rose: You recognize that his loss is a great one?

Rupert Murdoch: He changed the world! It’s like Jude Law said last week in a voicemail I hacked into: “today is a sad day.”

Charlie Rose: Well, that’s our show for the evening. Tomorrow on the program: Henry Kissinger and “Brown Bunny” director Vincent Gallo — not in separate interviews, both at the same time. I’m Charlie Rose. Goodbye, Steve Jobs, and thank you.

[ cut to closing graphics, and fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 4

11d: Anna Faris / Drake

Goodnights

…..Anna Faris

Anna Faris: Thank you so much to Drake and Nicki Minaj, Lorne Michaels, all the cast and crew at “Saturday Night Live”! Thank you so much!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 4

11d: Anna Faris / Drake

Yet Another GOP Debate

Sandy Schaub…..Vanessa Bayer
Herman Cain…..Kenan Thompson
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Rick Perry…..Bill Hader
Michele Bachmann…..Kristen Wiig
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan
Ron Paul…..Paul Brittain
Rick Santorum…..Andy Samberg

[ open on Marriott TV logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching Marriott Tv., the in-room guide to everything our hotel has to offer. Up next: Live from Conference Room 5 in the Cedar Falls Courtyard Marriott, it’s… “Yet Another GOP Debate”.

[ dissolve to Conference Room 5 ]

Sandy Schaub: Hello! I’m Sandy Schaub, from Marriott TV. Welcome to the second of two GOP debates this week. The first of which was televised by Bloomberg TV, while tonight’s debate takes place on the only channel tune in to less. As a reminder to the canddiates: No one is watching, so the stakes are low. We have rearranged the seating from past debates, based on the most recent polling results and, therefore, the likelihood of each candidate winning the nomination. In the center, the new leader in the polls: Herman Cain.

Herman Cain: [ he shrugs ] I’m as surprised as YOU!

Sandy Schaub: Next to him is former Governor Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney: [ chuckling ] Herman Cain. You guys are KILLING me!

Sandy Schaub: Three seats over, in a chair facing the wall… the fading Rick Perry.

[ Rick Perry turns to smile and hold up his thumb ]

Sandy Schaub: In a locked janitor’s closet are Congresswoman Michele Bachmann and curio from a bygone era Newt Gingrich.

[ Bachmann waves as Gingrich sits there stone-faced ]

Sandy Schaub: Out in the parking garage, it’s Texas congressman Ron Paul.

[ from a distance in the parking garage, Paul waves ]

Sandy Schaub: And, live from a crowded gay bar in the Castro District in San Francisco… Rick Santorum.

Rick Santorum: [ visibly uncomfortable ] Very funny!

Sandy Schaub: And John Huntsman couldn’t be here tonight because we gave him the wrong address — on purpose. We begin with governor Romney. Governor, on Monday you received an endorsement from Chris Christie. Then, you outpoerformed your opponents at Tuesday’s debate. Yet, the newest polls show you trailing Herman Cain by as many as fifteen points.

Mitt Romney: Yes.

Sandy Schaub: When are you going to accept that Republicans just don’t like you?

Mitt Romney: Now, look, I — I don’t think they dislike me. I just think they want to exhaust their options. You know, I understand that, before anyone goes home with Mitt Romney, they’re going to take one last lap around the bar to see if there’s anyone better than me. And I’m okay with that. Alright? Go! Go sow your oats. I will wait for you. Yuo be Jenny, and I’ll be your Forrest Gump. Be with as many guys as you want, I will still be here running around the country like an idiot until you come home so I can watch you die. Should’ve left off that last part, I guess!

Sandy Schaub: Herman Cain.

Herman Cain: Yes.

Sandy Schaub: With your rise in the polls, many are taking a closer look at your 9-9-9 plan, and most economists agree it’s an oversimplified, unworkable solution to a complicated financial situation.

Herman Cain: Well, let me explain. I never thought I would be “taken seriously”, so I never thought anyone would “look at it.” The original goal of the 9-9-9 plan was to get me a show on FOX News. At 9:00. But, if America is looking for catchy, unworkable solutions to complicated problems, Herman Cain will keep them coming! How do we fight terrorism? My 5-5-5 plan. Wharever terror is, America will send five airplanes, five soldiers, and five of those dogs that caught Osama Bin Laden. How do we fix health care? The 3-3-3 plan. Every time you get sick, you get three pills, three days off and three chicken noodle soups. Having trouble getting to the airport? Dial 7-7-7 for Caramel Limosine. Don’t hassle with a cab! Vote Herman Cain.

Sandy Schaub: Governor Perry. On Thursday, your wife said you were being brutalized because of your faith. Yet, it was a pastor affilaited with your campaign who recently called Mormonism a cult. What’s going on?

Rick Perry: I think the best way to explain it is… we’re desperate! You know? We’re willing to try anything. Nothing is beneath us right now. You’re gonna see us start playing the mormon card — you know — we’re gonna start playing the race card. Heck, this week, my staff looked into a plan that would FRAME Mitt Romney for a murder in Texas, railroad him through a sham trial, and then, you know… [ he makes electrocution sound effect and laughs ] Though, let me stress, Mitt, this plan never passed the exploratory phase.

Mitt Romney: Ah, that’s okay! I’m INCAPABLE of rage.

Rick Perry: The point is that when you can’t get better, your options are limited. So my promise is this: You haven’t seen the worst of Rick Perry yet!

Sandy Schaub: Let’s go back to the janitor’s closet. Michele Bachmann and Newt Gingrich. Neither of you are going to win, and you’re starting to waste our time.

Michele Bachmann: That’s fair.

Newt Gingrich: Agreed.

Sandy Schaub: At the end of tonight’s debate, we will unlock the door to your room. Whoever is still standing can come to the next debate. Whoever isn’t is out of the race.

Newt Gingrich: I… I don’t understand…

[ Bachmann slugs him across the face and knocks him to the floor, then jumps up and elbows him rpeeatedly as he screams ]

Sandy Schaub: Herman Cain. Do you think your campaign will be able to withstand the extra scrutiny that comes with being the frontrunner?

Herman Cain: I do not. If I may, let me put it in pizza terms: Nothing beats that first HOT slice of pizza. The second slice is also hard to beat. Yuo see, America is on their second slice of Herman Cain right now. But, unfortunately, there is no such thing as a two-slice pizza. So you will keep STUFFING yourselves full of Herman Cain. Soon, your tummy will be a gassy mess, and you will go to bed and have bad dreams. In the morning, you’ll wake up and say, “Today, I’m eating a nice salad.”

Mitt Romney: Uh, if I may — uh, I believe I can BE that salad. No croutons, no dressing, just lettuce in a bowl. Look, in 2008, America was a place FULL of hope, and Barack Obama was the candidate for that America. Now it’s starting to sink in that there’s NOTHING to be hopeful about. In 2008, America was a vibrant, young peson with thir WHOLE life ahead of them. Now America has a bum knee, uh, an exploded mortgage, and no job. The time for dreaming is over. It’s time to settle. And NOTHING says you’re settling, like Mitt Romney! Barack Obama made America say “Yes, we can!” Well, I think I can make America say “Yes, we can… live with that.”

Sandy Schaub: Rick Santorum. How you doing?

[ surrounded by bulky gay men ] Ba-a-a-a-a-addd!!

Sandy Schaub: And Ron Paul?

[ cut to Paul in the parking garage, as an unmarked van pulls up alongside him ]

Sandy Schaub: It seems like an unmarked van is approaching.

[ men jump out and pull Paul into the back of the van ]

Sandy Schaub: Looks like BAD news for Ron Paul.

[ gunshots echo from inside the van, and the back door opens ]

Sandy Schaub: But, hold on…

[ Paul steps out of the van and dusts off his jacket, as one of the men flops out of the van dead ]

Sandy Schaub: Ron Paul. Not going anywhere. Ideologically pure, and tough as nails. Well, that concludes tonight’s debate. Join us for our next debate, when we basically continue to turn into a season of “Survivor”, where no one is EVER voted off the island.

[ cut to Marriott TV logo ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 4

11d: Anna Faris / Drake

A Message From Michael Bloomberg

Mayor Michael Bloomberg…..Fred Armisen

[ open on title slide ]

Announcer: The following is a message from New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

[ dissolve to Bloomberg at podium ]

Mayor Michael Bloomberg: Hello. I’m Michael Bloomberg. Now, before I begin, I hope you all recovered from the traumatic, leaf-rustling earthquake that hit New York this July. Also, I’d like to apologize for all the Hurricane Irene hysteria this summer, but since you were such bitches about the snowstorm last year, you left me no choice.

Tonight I want to address the demonstrations currently taking place in Lower Manhatten, in what’s being called: Operation Wall Street. While these protests began here in New York, they have spread to dozens of other cities throughout the globe, proving once again that New York sets the trends and the world follows. So with all due respect to Chicago, Los Angeles, and London, if you’re looking to vent your rage at a system where the richest 1% controls 40% of the planet’s wealth, there is no better time, and no better place, than Autumn in New York. [ he grins smugly ] The weather here has been absolutely gorgeous. And while you’re here, why not cap off a day of protest with dinner at one of New York’s many world-class restaurants? Or take in a Broadway show like “Mary Poppins”, currently at the New Amsterdam Theater.

Whatever you may have heard, I want to make demonstrators as welcome and as comfortable as possible. Yet, sometimes things do not go as planned. This week my office had arranged to clear the park of protesters so the area could be power washed. The protesters became upset, and some went so far as to suggest that the power washing was simply a ruse to break up the demonstration. Nonsense! As all New Yorkers know, various parts of the city are routinely power washed. Power washing is a New York institution, and, without it, the Big Apple would lose its reputation as the world’s cleanest and most thoroughly sanitized city –- with streets, as the saying goes, “you can eat off!”

Now, even though we have gone to great lengths to make them feel welcome, there have, regrettably, been some clashes between the protestors and law enforcement. Several demonstrators have even been pepper-sprayed. Although these were isolated incidents, on behalf of the city I would like to apologize and to make one thing absolutely clear: All pepper spray used was made from 100% pure cayenne extract, witout any added oil or trans fats and wascompletely salt-free.

now, to the protestors down on Wall Street, let me say something from the heart: The message of the Occupy Wall Street movement should not be trivialized. The wealthiest 1% of this nation does continue to profit outrageously at the expense of the 99. Ordinary people are angry at those on top, and I can well understand why they would occupy their places of business and even demosntrate outside their homes. But here, I’d like to point out something: Despite what you may have heard, I’m not really all that rich. In fact, there are several individuals living here in New York who are far wealthier than myself. People like Hedge Fund billionaire George Soros, who lives at 85th Street and 5th Avenue. Or Jamie Dimon, CEO of J.P. Morgan Chase, whose townhouse, I believe, is on Madison between 73rd and 74th. On the left side. And for protestors who are also Yankee fans, angry at the team’s embarrassing loss to Detroit, Alex Rodriguez has a penthouse at Trump Towers. Now, technically, I might be richer than A-Rod, but I think we can all agree he has done less to earn it.

My point is this: Occupy Wall Street, I’m on your side. Come to New York and let your vocie be heard. You’ll treated with respect and diginity by the city and the police, with one caveat: The second, and I mean the second, I see a demonstrator light up a cifgarette, we’re moving in. The batons will come out and the badge numbers will come off. and if you think I’m joking, go ahead — make my day!

Thank you for listening, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 4


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 15th, 2011

Anna Faris

Drake

None

Nicki Minaj

None

A Message From Michael BloombergSummary: New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg (Fred Armisen) appluds the Occupy Wall Street protestors, but offers them a few words of advice to make sure they all see eye to eye.

Recurring Characters: Michael Bloomberg.

Transcript

Montage

Anna Faris’ MonologueSummary: Anna Faris takes intelligent questions beyond her grasp from the audience, then meets the one woman in the audience (Abby Elliott) who shares her intellect.

The Manuel Ortiz ShowSummary: Manuel Ortiz (Fred Armisen) and his guests dance their way through a segment in which a cheating husband (Bill Hader) is exposed on camera.

Recurring Characters: Manuel Ortiz.

What’s Wrong With Tanya?Summary: Moms from different Lifetime Network TV-movies are challenged to determine what’s wrong with Tanya prototypes.

Recurring Characters: Vince Blake.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg performs a number of goofy interview concepts with musical guest Drake.

Yet Another GOP DebateSummary: Marriott TV moderates their own version of the GOP debate at their lavish facilities.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Newt Gingrich, Michelle Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul.

Transcript

Drake performs “Headlines”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Secondhand News correspondent Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) mixes up more recent stories. Two teenagers dressed as werewolves (Drake, Jay Pharoah) rap about their new Halloween trend, bag jacking.

Recurring Characters: Anthony Crispino.

Tell HimSummary: 50’s-era teenage girls (Abby Elliott, Kristen Wiig, Nasim Pedrad, Anna Faris) use the power of song to teach their confused friend (Vanessa Bayer) how to use deception to land a guy in the modern world.

Transcript

J-Pop America Fun Time Now!Summary: Japan-crazed American teenagers (Taran Killam, Vanessa Bayer) get all their cultural facts wrong while purporting to express their love for the Land of the Rising Sun.

Drake and Nicki Minaj perform “Make Me Proud”

Lord WyndemereSummary: Home from college, Debbie (Anna Faris) hopes to impress her parents (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig) with her new boyfriend, the foppish, spritely Lord Cecil Wyndemere (Paul Brittain).

Ferrari CalendarSummary: Airheads (Kristen Wiig, Anna Faris) are excited to see the new 2012 Ferrari calendar so they scope out all the hot guys within before their asses explode from the anticipation.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The Charlie Rose ShowSummary: Charlie Rose (Bill Hader) discusses Steve Jobs’ legacy with media also-rans Mark Zuckerberg (Andy Samberg), Arianna Huffington (Nasim Pedrad), Reed Hastings (Jason Sudeikis) and Rupert Murdoch (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Charlie Rose, Mark Zuckerberg, Arianna Huffington, Rupert Murdoch.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Tinyballs

Head Coach (Brad Pitt)…..Taran Killam
Coach #2…..Fred Armisen
Manager (Jonah Hill)…..Bobby Moynihan
Dealer…..Ben Stiller
Player #1…..Jay Pharoah
Player #2…..Paul Brittain

[ open on MPAA card ]

[ dissolve to movie trailer — baseball coach in business meeting ]

Head Coach: You have rich teams… and poor teams. Then there’s fifty feet of crap. And then there’s us.

[ intercut with footage of ballplayers striking out on the field ]

Head Coach: We’ve got to think differently!

Coach #2: differently, how?

[ cut to Coach meeting with Manager in an alley ]

Manager: Your goal shouldn’t be to buy better players. It should be to make better players.

Head Coach: But how?

Manager: with this guy.

[ reveal Dealer ]

Dealer: Hey.

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] From the malers of “Moneyball”.

Dealer: What if I told you you don’t need talent or money… and you could still win?

Head Coach: With what? Heart?

Dealer: No. [ he holds up a syringe ] With steroids.

[ the coach mulls it over ]

[ SUPER: “Based On A True Story” ]

[ cut to Coach addressing his new players ]

Head Coach: Gentlemen… we’re going to give you talent.

Player #1: How you gonna do that?

Dealer: We’re gonna inject in your ass.

[ cut to Dealer applying cream to the player’s skin ]

Dealer: This is called The Cream.

Player #1: What does it do?

Dealer: It makes home runs. And it makes your nuts the size of raisins.

Player #1: Wait, what?

Dealer: Don’t worry about it.

[ cut to muscled Player #2 hitting a home run ]

Player #2: I can hit!

[ dissolve to Dealer giving the thumbs-up ]

[ dissolve to Coach #2 yelling at Head Coach ]

Coach #2: People don’t like what you’re doing! You’re threatening the game! Also, some of the players are growing tits.

[ dissolve to Player #1 examining his tits ]

[ dissolve to Dealer and Player #2 high-fiving ]

[ dissolve to Head Coach leaning against net, smiling ]

[ dissolve to Head Coach having breakfast with his daughter ]

Daughter: I’m so proud of you! How are you doing it, Daddy?

Head Coach: We’re cheating, Honey. We’re cheating.

[ his daughter smiles ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] When the odds are against you…

[ dissolve to Player #1 eating his baseball ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] …Change the odds.

[ dissolve to team applauding their victory ]

Head Coach: Nobody believed in us! But we did it OUR way! Yeah!

[ the team cheers wildly, then begin to destroy locker equipment in an uncontrollable rage ]

[ dissolve to title slide ]

Announcer: “Tinyballs”.

[ dissolve to Player #1 looking at himself beneath towel in the shower ]

Player #1: What’s happening to me?

Dealer: You’re winning.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Mitt Romney Press Conference

Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Republican #1…..Bill Hader
Republican #2…..Nasim Pedrad
Republican #3…..Taran Killam
Republican #4…..Paul Brittain
Republican #5…..Kristen Wiig
Republican #6…..Vanessa Bayer
Chris Christie…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on C-Span slide ]

Announcer: We go now to Washington, D.C., where Mitt Romney is taking a question from top Republican fundraisers.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney ]

Mitt Romney: Uh, it’s such an honor to be addressing you tonight. You’re the backbone of the Republican party, and I think we all agree it’s time for change. Alright? I-I-I-I hope I have your support. Any questions? [ pointing ] Yes?

Republican #1: You were saying recently that America needs a leader who will return it to its position as the strongest nation on Earth.

Mitt Romney: Uh… yes.

Republican #1: Who do you think that leader is?

Mitt Romney: Uh, well… obviously, I, you know, think it’s me!

Republican #1: Yeah, but… let’s say you could pick anyone. Not just the candidates who’ve announced.

Mitt Romney: Well, I-I-I-I would still pick me. I- I think I have the experience, both in the private sector and the government to lead the country at this critical time. [ he points ] Yes, you.

Republican #2: The deadline for candidates to file to be eligible is October 31st.

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm. Yeah. That’s right.

Republican #2: Would you be in favor of pushing that deadline back to give the party more time to find a viable candidate?

Mitt Romney: Well, obviously, I think I’m a viable candidate. I mean, I’m not just a guy who runs for president because I can afford to.

Republican #2: Oh! [ she twirls her eyes ] Okay.

Mitt Romney: [ pointing ] Uh — yes. You.

Republican #3: Uh, this Tuesday, Gov. Chris Christie announced he would not seek the Republican nomination. Uh… have you considered calling him and trying to convince him to run?

Mitt Romney: Why would I do that?

Republican #3: Uh… he’s a great candidate? [ he chuckles ] We were all gonna vote for him! Right?

[ the crowd murmurs their agreement ]

Mitt Romney: Okay, now, look, look, look! I know that Gov. Christie was a fun personality with a LOT of charisma. But I assure you… the more you get to know Mitt, the more fun you’re gonna have! [ pointing ] You!

Republican #4: Uh, yeah — are we gonna have Hoagie Friday?

Mitt Romney: [ confused ] I’m sorry?

Republican #4: Hoagie Friday. Uh, Gov. Christie said he would have Hoagie Fridays! He said we were a bunch of meatballs, uh… so we should all get meatball hoagies! [ the crowd laughs ]

Mitt Romney: Uh — I’m sure we could get some food in here. What do you people like? huh? What do you like, buttered bread? [ no response ] You guys want some buttered bread?

Republican #4: You know what? Just… just forget it.

[ Republican #5 rises next to him ]

Republican #5: [ quickly ] You’re not Chris Christie, and you never will be!

[ the crowd murmurs their agreement ]

Mitt Romney: Okay! Look! Okay, I’m about to get ANGRY! Okay? And not regular angry — we’re talking MORMON Angry! I mean, you’re gonna start hearing words like “Shucks!”, “Fudge!”, and the biggie: ” Cheese and crackers!” Now, I know I have shortcomings, okay? I’m plainspoken… I’m a little stiff… and my voice sounds like a black comedian doing a white guy voice. But I’m the man now! So do we have any questions about the election at hand? [ he points ] Yes — you!

Republican #6: Um — how do write-in votes work? Seriously — if we all wrote in “Chris Christie” and he won, he would have to be president, right/

Mitt Romney: [ angry ] Awwwww… HECK IT ALL! Heck it all to FUDGE!!

[ Chris Christie leans in ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Heyyyy, easy, everybody!

[ the crowd cheers ]

Gov. Chris Christie: [ flattered ] Oh, look at this! I didn’t realize there was a MEATBALL CONVENTION in town!

[ the crowd laughs ]

Mitt Romney: Ah ha ha ha. Thank you for that.

Gov. Chris Christie: Okay, now listen up! You HAVE to start showing Gov. Romney some respect! I mean, how do you think he feels, watching you like everybody more than him?

Republican #5: Governor Christie, we don’t WANT to stay with him! We want you to run!

[ the crowd agrees ]

Gov. Chris Christie: It’s not gonna happen! I know you want me to run, but this… [ he accentuates his figure ] This can’t go national! My style works in one place: New Jersey! If I run for President, I gotta go to places like Mississippi — in June!

Mitt Romney: Hmm…

Gov. Chris Christie: I mean, can you picture me in the Mississippi heat in June? Taking questions from some yokel while I breathe like Tony Soprano? [ he wheezes his demonstration ]

Mitt Romney: You alright?

Gov. Chris Christie: It’s not gonna be pretty!

Republican #6: But Romney is so boring!

Gov. Chris Christie: So what? He’s a nice man in a clean suit that wants to be President! Where are your manners? It’s like he took you to a fancy dinner in a nightclub, and you spent the entire night grinding on the sweaty guy from Jersey! You owe him an apology!

Republicans: Sorry.

Gov. Chris Christie: I can’t hear you!

Republicans: SORRY!!

Gov. Chris Christie: Oh… oh, hell! I can’t stay mad at you meatballs! And by the way… wait. Mitt — earmuffs.

Mitt Romney: You got it, Gov! [ he covers his ears ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Look — I’m gonna run in 2016. [ the crowd beams with excitement ] I just can’t do it now. Let’s just say… I gotta make a couple things go away first. Okay? But after this poor bastard loses… [ he points to Romney ] I’ll get a nice head start, I’ll run in four years, it’ll be great! Fat President! Come on, it writes itself!

[ the crowd cheers ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Thank you. Mitt! Earmuffs, off. [ Romney lowers his hands ] They’re all yours.

Mitt Romney: Alright. Thank you, Chris. I really appreciate that. Uh — thank you! Alright, so, uh, any mroe questions, you balls of meat? [ the crowd shakes their heads No ] Okay. In that case, I have one more thing I have to say, and I’m pretty excited to say it, so, uh —

[ Chris Christie shoves Romney out of the way ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Hank Williams, Jr.

Hank Williams, Jr…..Jason Sudeikis

[ fade from SNL Digital Short to SNL’s house band, featuring Hank Williams, Jr. ]

Hank Williams, Jr.: [ singing ]
“Are you ready for a commercial?
They gonna sell you stu-u-u-u-uff!
There’ll be one for cars, there’ll be one for beer!
You know you want to run out and buy them!

So don’t change the channel, everything’s alright!
All my rowdy friends are here on Saturday Night!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Goodnights

…..Ben Stiller

Ben Stiller: Alright. This has been one of the CRAZIEST weeks of my life, I had an AMAZING time! Thanks, everybody. Thanks to Foster the People! [ the crowd cheers ] Hugh Jackman! Kenny G! Everybody, thank you very much. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Fox & Friends

Steve Doocy…..Taran Killam
Gretchen Carlson…..Vanessa Bayer
Brian Kilmeade…..Bobby Moynihan
Lou the Fact Checker…..Fred Armisen
Hank Williams, Jr…..Jason sudeikis
Chris Brooks…..Ben Stiller

[ open on FOX graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching “Fox and Friends”.

[ dissolve to set ]

Steve Doocy: Welcome back to “Fox and Friends”! I’m Steve Doocy. And joinging me, as always — Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade!

Gretchen Carlson: Good morning!

Brian Kilmeade: Happy Monday!

Steve Doocy: Well! It’s been two weeks, and this “Occupy Wall Street” business keeps going! And I, for one, don’t knoqw what these people want!

Gretchen Carlson: I’ll tell you what they need.

Brian Kilmeade: Uh-oh!

Steve Doocy: Look out!

Gretchen Carlson: A shower!

Brian Kilmeade: There she goes!

Steve Doocy: [ laughing ] What really gets me mad… is how people are now comparing Occupy Wall Street to the Tea Party.

Gretchen Carlson: You know, it’s apples and oranges.

Steve Doocy: It’s night and day!

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah. Just Batman and bananas.

Gretchen Carlson: I mean, it’s nuts, okay? These protesters want anarchy… and, you know, all the Tea Party ever wanted was no government!

Steve Doocy: [ thinking ] I-isn’t that anarchy?

Gretchen Carlson: Uh — no! [ stumbling ] Anarchy is no government while people play bongos.

Steve Doocy: You know… and I gotta say, you young people have gotta be careful, ’cause it’s so easy to get sucked into this crazy mob mentality.

Brian Kilmeade: So true, so true. I once thought I was following a crowd of people into Yankee Stadium…but it turns out I was in a breast cancer walk. When it was over, I was ten miles from my car and I had to take the bus home.

Steve Doocy: Alright, now, now, get this. According to reports, the protests are costing the city of New York $1 trillion a day!

Brian Kilmeade: Wow… wow…

Gretchen Carlson: Now, that can’t be right.

Steve Doocy: That’s what I heard!

Gretchen Carlson: Okay. Well, when we have a question, we can always go to our fact-checker Lou. Lou?

[ cut to Lou glancing through notes that fall to the floor, so he casts a salute instead ]

Steve Doocy: Aw, good ol’ Lou, always keeping us honest! Alright, moving on. We had a little “incident” this week on “Fox & Friends”.

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, yeah! It got weird!

Steve Doocy: We asked country music legend and voice of “Mondaty Night Football”, Hank Williams, Jr. to come on our show and, uh… let’s say he got himself into a little bit of trouble!

Steve Doocy: Uh, Mr. Williams campared President Obama to Hitler… and we just don’t say that on this show.

Brian Kilmeade: We imply it.

Steve Doocy: That’s right, that’s right. It’s called… manners.

Gretchen Carlson: Exactly! So, here to explain himself, is Hank Williams, Jr.

[ cut to Hank Williams, Jr. ]

Hank Williams, Jr.: Hey there, fellas! I know who the friends is, and who’s the fox! Lookin’ good, Gretchen!

Chris Brooks: Okay, hold up, Hank… [ leaning in ] If I, uh — if I may speak for Mr. Williams.

Steve Doocy: Uh, yeah… and, uh, who are you?

Chris Brooks: I’m Chris Brooks, Mr. Williams’ media representative. i’ll be speaking for him from this point forward. Now, I understand you’re upset, but you have to admit… YOU made a big mistake, by letting Mr. Williams come on your show… and speak for himself.

Hank Williams, Jr.: That’s right!

Chris Brooks: I mean, what did you think he would say? Look at him. He looks like a truck stop Santa Claus.

Hank Williams, Jr.: [ miming pulling a truck horn ] Ho, ho, ho-o-o-o-o-o!!

Steve Doocy: S-so… this is our fault?

Chris Brooks: Well, you had a big role in it… and Mr. Williams would like an apology.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Hell, yeah! Apologize to Bocephus!

Chris Brooks: Hank, stop it… you’re not helping…

Hank Williams, Jr.: Of course I’m not helping, I’m crazy!

Chris Brooks: [ to the pundits ] You introduced Mr. Williams as a man who knew a “thing or two” about politics. Telling him he’s a political analyst is akin to giving a baby a gun.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Hey! Don’t give a baby a gun! President Barack Hitler will just take it away!

Gretchen Carlson: [ smiling ] There he goes again!

Brian Kilmeade: He sure did!

Chris Brooks: You see? That’s what Hank does! He calls everyone he doesn’t like Hitler! He called some of his friends Hitler!

Hank Williams, Jr.: Yeah, most of them are good guys… except for Travis — he’s a real Hitler!

Steve Doocy: I-I’m sorry… I don’t see how this is our problem.

Chris Brooks: Like I said — you let him talk. Waht Mr. Williams is good at, is writing songs. Like, uh, “There’s a Tear in My Beer”… and sing-talking in front of cheerleaders from “Monday Night Football”.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Hmm-hmm.

Chris Brooks: Now… he wants to make this right, and he wrote a song to prove it.

Steve Doocy: Well, let’s hear it.

Hank Williams, Jr.: You want me to sing it now?

Chris Brooks: Yes. Now.

Hank Williams, Jr.: [ screaming ]
“Are you ready for an apology?!
Well, you NOT gonna get ooooone!
Because I calls ’em like I see ’em, and Obama’s –“

[ picture cuts out ]

Steve Doocy: Wow! Uh… well, I think I speak for all of us when I say: “Apology accepted!”

Gretchen Carlson: Let’s take a quick break. But, first, our fact-checkers have finished combing over the firs two hours of the show, and we have a few corrections!

[ a list of corrections SCROLL upward quickly, reading:

“The second president of the United States was John Quincy Adams, not Sam Adams summer Ale.

A movie and motion picture are the same thing.

Juice is a drinkable substance.

There are seven continents not one thousand.

The “West Memphis Three” is not a jazz quartet.

America is not currently under a “level 9 liberty alert”. There is no such thing as a “level 9 liberty alert.”

Presidential dog “Bo” Obama does not collect social security checks, nor is he an undocumented Peruvian housekeeper in disguise.

Julie Andrews is an award winning British actress. She has never been on trial for kidnapping.

Windows are typically made of glass

President Obama did not pardon Carmen Sandiego

Flu shots prevent influenza and have nothing to do with getting into heaven

Nancy Pelosi did not appear on an episode of River Monsters

There is not now, nor has there ever been a plan to air-consition the Grand Canyon

Herman Cain did not invent Pizza.

Christopher Columbus sailed to what is now the modern day United States in an effort to find a trade route to the West Indies. Not to flee the dragons.

No Transformers have ever been found on the moon.

Flo from the progressive Insurance ads is a living human being, not the ghost of a Civil War widow.

Africa is widely regarded to be the origin of the human specieis. It was not “discovered only a handful of years ago.”

The Jewish Holiday just celebrated was Rosh Hashanah not Rush Hot Bananas.

Nicholas Cage did not sign the Declaration of Independence.

There is no known connection between the Oklahoma City Bombing and The Bay City Rollers

Electric cars are not powered by electric eagles.

Carrying a child in a Baby Bjorn does not cause homsexuality, in the child or the adult.

The Washington Monument was not named after Denzel Washington. Nor was it named after the Washington Redskins.

The Pope does not hold a world record in speed skating.

Abraham Lincoln is not alive and living in Amish, Pennsylvania. There is no such place as Amish, Pennsylvania.

Mount Rushmore does not include the face of Spiderman.

There are indeed several laws that prohibit pointing a gun at a mail carrier.

Pocahontas was not named after a stripper.

Vermont still exists.

There is currently no bill before the house that would mandate the eating of flan on Thanksgiving.

Mary Magdalene was not eaten by a dinosaur.

General Tso did not win the Civil War for the Confederacy.

Rick Perry was not a contestant on “The Amazing Race” nor was he the winner of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge

“Time in a Bottle” was never the national anthem.

Whole Foods does not povide free abortions.” ]

Brian Kilmeade: See you after this quick break!

[ dissolve to FOX graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts