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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 8


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08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Snagglepuss…..Bobby Moynihan
Gazoo…..Will Forte
…..Justin Timberlake

Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

It’s official, for the next four years, it will be pronounced “nuclear.”

On Monday, first lady Laura Bush gave Michelle Obama a private tour of their residence, without once taking her hand off her pocketbook.

Aides to Barack Obama are preparing a major expansion of the White House communications operation, which will enable them to reach out through the internet directly to the many Obama supporters they collected during the campaign. I just hope he’s not one of those guys who updates his Facebook status every five seconds.

Barack Obama met with Hillary Clinton on Friday to see if she would be interested in a role in his administration.”Of course,” said Hillary, “I’ll take president.”

Thomas Beatty, the pregnant man who appeared on “Oprah” and gave birth last June to a baby girl,is pregnant again. What’s his secret? He has a uterus and a vagina.

Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24-inch television set from a store.The man said he would have paid for it, but he couldn’t reach his wallet.

No? How about this?

Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24-inch television set from a store. Man, how lazy are your employees when they don’t stop a guy from kicking a tv out the front door.

One more?

Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24-inch television set from a store. Ah, the old no-finger discount.

Last week, the state of California passed… [ quickly ] Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24-inch television set from a store. Police said it was an easy arrest, as the suspect was unarmed.

Last week, the state of California passed proposition 8, effectively banning gay marriage. Here to comment… [Audience booing] Okay. The vote’s over, but thank you. Here to comment is Snagglepuss.

Snagglepuss: Good evening, Seth. Or should I say bad evening? Despicable, even?

Seth Meyers: Yes. A lot of people view this as a big setback for the gay community.

Snagglepuss: Yes, an enormous setback. Gigantic, even. You would think that in this day and age,people would be more tolerant, even.

Seth Meyers: And obviously, this is a huge disappointment to you personally.

Snagglepuss: Why, what on earth do you mean?

Seth Meyers: Well, you know, you being a homosexual lion.

Snagglepuss: [ double take ] Heavens to Mergatroid! I wasn’t talking about me! I’m a straight as a line, a Chorus Line, even.

Seth Meyers: Come on, Snagglepuss.

Snagglepuss: Oh, who am I kidding? I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Or the lion’s out of the closet, even.The point is, Seth, I know the day will come when my partner and i can legally marry.

Seth Meyers: Your partner?

Snagglepuss: Yes.

Seth Meyers: Oh.

The Great Gazoo: Hello, dum-dum.

Snagglepuss: The great Gazoo, ladies and germs. My lover, even.

The Great Gazoo: Oh, it feels so good to finally hear you say that. Anyhoo, I’ll see you at home. I have a marathon of “Real Housewives of Atlanta” on DVR and a bottle of Chablis chilling in the fridge.

Snagglepuss: Growl.

The Great Gazoo: I love you, dum-dum!

Seth Meyers: Snagglepuss, ladies and gentlemen!

Snagglepuss: Heavens to Mergatroid! Exit stage left.

Seth Meyers: “Sopranos” actor Tony Sirico debuted a new cologne this week named for his character, Paulie Walnuts, called “Paolo per Uomo”, which is italian for “Paul for Men.” It’s expected to do slightly better than Big Pussy’s Feminine Hygiene Spray.

The mayor of a small town in Turkey called Batman is suing “Dark Knight” director Christopher Nolan and Warner Brothers for using the city’s name without permission. Among those paying careful attention to the outcome of the case, the mayor of Incredible Hulk, Armenia.

Madonna reportedly told a friend that A-rod has a heart of a poet trapped inside an insanely gorgeous body.A-rod then said Madonna has the heart of a gorgeous woman trapped inside the body of a Velociraptor.

Will Smith, Tom Cruise and Rush Limbaugh are among Barbara Walters’ Ten Most Fascinating People of 2008.Which proves, if nothing else, that Barbara Walters is easily fascinated.

Now with a special “Weekend Update” message, Justin Timberlake.

Justin Timberlake: Thank you, thank you. Oh, stop it. Thank you. Thank you, Seth. Thank you. You guys are probably wondering what I’m doing here tonight. Yeah. Well, the thing is, I said I’d do the Thanksgiving show next week, and unfortunately, I had to cancel. And I feel bad because I had the whole thing mapped out in my head. So do you mind if I just do it right now?

Seth Meyers: No, of course. I mean, we’d love that.

Justin Timberlake: Yeah? Okay. All right. Open on close-up of presidential seal, something political that I’m not in. And [Imitating Don Pardo] “Live from New York, it’s Sturday Night! With Fred Armisen, Will Forte,the handsome guy, the black guy, Kristin Wiig. And featuring the new guy and the new girls.And your host and musical guest, Justin Timberlake.” “Oh, thank you, thank you.” Applause, applause, applause.I try to start talking, more applause. “Seriously, people, settle down.” More applause.”It’s great to be here again hosting Saturday Night Live,” Even more applause. “Okay, enough! Hey, Thanksgivingis Thursday. Blah, blah, blue.” “I’m bringing turkey back jokes! Whatever’s left I’ll eat it for a snack”.Andy and Bill as backup dancers, because they’re not in anything else. ha, ha, ha. “Stick around, we got a greatshow. We’ll be right back.” Some ad parody that I’m not in, then… “Bring it on down to Turkeyville.” Commercial,and [Imitating Bill Hader’s character] “Good evening and welcome back to “The Vincent Price Thanksgiving Special, with me and three other dead people.” Of course, I’ll play James Dean. And straight into a digital short. Step one: “You cut a hole in the turkey”. Step two: bad idea. Should not have done that. And song. “Ladies and gentlemen, me!.” [Singing] “Ain’t another woman that can take your spot my love.” “So don’t give away my love, so don’t give away.” Ladies going crazy, hot dance moves and out. Audience up for grabs. Commercial. And it’s “Weekend Uupdate.”I’m not in this, I catch my breath, I text Jessica. Joke, joke, joke. Kenan in a dress. Introspective moment. Man, this show is really live. I mean, it’s really happening. Joke, joke, joke, Nicholas Fehn. [Imitating Fred Armisen’s character] “Okay, what I mean is– okay– How many people –” Joke, joke, joke, and Target Lady. [Imitating Kristen Wiig’s character] “I’m going to put the candle in my guest bathroom, so my guests can feel like they’re pooping in the monastery.” On to “Talkin’ it up on the Barry Gibb Talk Show…” [Imitating Bee Gees high pitch voices] No! No, I don’t. Second song. Sit behind the piano, put on a tiny hat and “Sing the song be intense and you look at the… camera.” Onto the last sketch. It’s “My Michael Macdonald impression…” Wow, what a great show. I’d like to thank Jimmy Fallon and Senator Chris Dodd for stopping by. What’s that? You want one more song? I couldn’t. All right, I’ll do it!

[Singing] “I’m bringing sexy back
Them other boys don’t know how to act
I think you’re special what’s behind your back
So turn around and I’ll pick up the slack.
Seth, take it to the bridge!”

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Seth Meyers!

Justin Timberlake: I’m Justin Timberlake. Good night!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 8

08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

Sproingo

Wife…..Kristen Wiig
Husband…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on married couple in their kitchen ]

Announcer: How do you know when the time is right?

[ close-up of Wife getting that look on her face ]

Announcer: When an intimate moment becomes… the “right” moment?

[ she approaches her husband and whispers in his ear ]

Announcer: Take the guesswork out of your ED treatment…

[ cue “Sproing” sound effect, as they glance at the camera ]

Wife: Ooh! I heard that!

[ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: …with Sproingo.

[ cut to images of the couple touching hands, then dancing around the kitchen ]

Announcer: Sproingo is the first ED treatment that works with your body to produce a sensous, audible tone at the onset of erection.

[cue “Sproing” sound effect, as the couple stop dancing and look at one another ]

Wife: So you’re sure!

[ they go upstairs, the Husband staring down at the camera with a smirk ]

[ they stop at the foot of their bed ]

Wife: How does it work? I don’t know. But does it work? [ “Sproing” sound effect ] Oh, yeah!

[ SUPER scrolls as the couple disappear below view ]

Announcer: Sproingo is only for men healthy enough for sexual activity.

[ cue series of “Sproing” sound effects ]

Announcer: Don’t take Sproingo if you take nitrates for chest pain, or are easily startled by sudden, goofy sound effects.

[ reveal couple sitting up in bed afterwards ]

Husband: I’ve tried them all: Cialis, Viagra, Levitra… but I can never tell when or if they were working.

Wife: Plus, Sproingo is the only medication that tells you when it’s stopped working.

[ cue drooping sound effect ]

Husband: Time for another Sproingo!

[ Wife reacts with caution, then wipes her brow playfully ]

[ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: Sproingo.

[ cut to Husband leaning back in bed ]

Husband: With Sproingo, hearing is believing.

[ cut to Wife standing at the side of the bed ]

Wife: So what are you waiting for? Sproing your doctor today, and see if sproingo is right for you.

[ cut to full shot of the couple, with a TV tray between them. The TV tray topples over as the “Sproing” sound effect rises. ]

Wife: [ she smiles ] That sounds like a good one!

[ cut to product slide with sound effect ]

Announcer: Sproingo. Hearing is believing.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 8

08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Paul Rudd
Curator….Fred Armisen
Assistant….Abby Elliott
Man in oven….Jason Sudeikis
Stabbed in the eye guy….Bobby Moynihan
Suicide woman with knife….Michaela Watkins
Celebrity reporter….Casey Wilson

(Opens with Andy Samberg walking in on Paul Rudd´s in a break room. Paul writes on a script)

Andy Samberg: Hey, Paul.

Paul Rudd: Hey, what´s up, dude?

Andy Samberg: Nothing. What you doing?

Paul Rudd: Oh, just highlighting my lines.

Andy Samberg: Cool. (stares Paul with interest)

Paul Rudd: What?

Andy Samberg: Well, this is going to sound kind of weird but….may I paint you?

Paul Rudd: I´d like that.

Andy Samberg: Cool.

(cut to a room with scented candles burning, Paul is lying completely naked on a couch in front of Andy, Andy paints on an easel)

Paul Rudd: Cold in here.

Andy Samberg: Could´ve fooled me.

Paul Rudd: (eyes darting down to his own crotch) So, everything is in its right place?

Andy Samberg: Big time.

Paul Rudd: I get so self-conscious.

Andy Samberg: Here. (gets up and puts on music on a radio) A little music will help you relax.

(music is slow easy listening instrumental with someone vocalizing)

Music: Ha, ha, ha, haha, hahaha, haha, ha, ha….

Paul Rudd: Um, I love this.

Andy Samberg:(sits down to paint) Yeah.

Paul Rudd: Who is this?

Andy Samberg: Its me.

Music: Ha, ha, haha, haha, ha, ha, ha….

(Andy paints, Paul just lies there, eyes closed on the couch. Andy taps his paintbrush on his lips with a longing look on his face, close-up on Paul´s pixeled genitals)

(cut to Paul in a bathrobe with Andy admiring the painting)

Paul Rudd: Wow.

Andy Samberg: Do you like it?

Paul Rudd: Oh, Andy. I love it. Hey, man, you know what I´d like to do?

Andy Samberg: What?

Paul Rudd: I´d like to paint you.

(cut to Andy on the couch now)

Andy Samberg: So, what do you think?

Paul Rudd: You look perfect.

(Andy is naked from the waist down, pixeled genitals)

Andy Samberg: Do you mind if we listen to some music?

Paul Rudd: Not at all.(puts on music on radio)

Music: Ha, hahaha, ha, hahaha, ha, ha…

Andy Samberg: I love this song.

(Paul winks at Andy, close-up on Andy´s hairy legs, lusty looks back and forth, Paul taps the paintbrush on his lips and admires Andy´s pixeled genitals)

(Andy and Paul both wear bathrobes and admire the painting)

Andy Samberg: I love it.

Paul Rudd: Really?

Andy Samberg: Yes, really.

Paul Rudd: Thanks.

Andy Samberg: This thing is really good, man. I think we could actually sell it.

Paul Rudd: Oh, I don´t know about that.

Andy Samberg: Paul, its a masterpiece.

(cut to an elegant auction)

Curator: 26,000 thousand, 27? 27? Do we hear 27 thousand? Going once, going twice. Sold to the gentleman in the gray blazer.(pounds gavel)

(light applause, Paul and Andy wear matching white tuxedos)

Andy Samberg: This is us.

Paul Rudd: I´m so nervous.

Andy Samberg: Don´t be. I´m telling you, they´re gonna love it.

Curator: This next painting is by a brand new artist and we´re lucky enough to have him here tonight. Please welcome, Mr. Paul Rudd.(light applause)Its a rare honor of a curator to introduce the world to a new artistic voice. It takes a quiet bravery to bare one´s soul to the world. Let´s see what´s inside Mr. Rudd´s.

(An assistant to the curator reveals Paul´s painting and everyone at the auction give ghastly screams. A hellish pandemonium breaks out. The assistant convulses and vomits, A man stabs himself in the eye, woman vomits uncontrollably, a man puts his head in an oven, Indiana Jones and Marion from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” are tied to a post)

Indiana Jones: DON´T OPEN YOUR EYES, MARION!! DON´T OPEN YOUR EYES!!

(A woman cries blood and puts a gun to her head and pulls the trigger. Blood splashes Paul and Andy. An Italian woman says her prayers and slashes her own throat. More blood sprays Andy and Paul. The curator is bleeding from the eyes and the mouth, he cocks a shotgun and blows his head off, a woman breaks a chair on a man´s back. Andy looks at Paul kind of amused)

Andy Samberg: Everyone´s a critic. (cute shrugs)

Caption: Everyone´s a critic.

(Cut to a celebrity reporter interviewing Paul and Andy in front of the “Everyone´s a critic” poster)

Celebrity reporter: That was a clip from “Everyone´s a critic”, starring Paul Rudd and Andy Samberg. Hi, guys. I understand you brought a little surprise with you.

Paul Rudd: We did. I don´t know if you remember the painting from the film but…(shows the painting)

Celebrity reporter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Celebrity reporter convulses, blood comes out her eyes, the boom mike guy vomits and falls over dead, celebrity reporter dies in her chair in front of Paul and Andy)

(Andy and Paul quietly leave)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 8

08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

Road Trip: “Garden Party”

Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Paul…..Paul Rudd
Bill…..Bill Hader
Will…..Will Forte

[ open on stock footage of a car traveling down the highway, as voices yell out “ROAD TRIP!!!” ]

[ dissolve to car interior, where four buddies sit ]

Paul: Oh, yeah! Nothin’ but highway for the next 300 miles!

Jason: Yes! And, in honor of our road trip, I went ahead and brought along a few… [ holds up beer cans ] ROAD BEERS!!

[ he passes the cans to his buddies in the back seat ]

Paul: Come on, man, I’m driving!

Jason: I know, I know you’re driving. That’s why I brought you… a wine cooler! [ he hands the wine cooler over, as everyone laughs ]

Paul: You got me! you know what I brought? [ he holds up a CD ] A little driving music!

Will: Mix CD!

Bill: Sweet!

[ they high-five across the back seat ]

Paul: Some mellow jams to help drive us away from our stresses.

[ he inserts the CD into the drive, as Rick Nelson’s “Garden Party” begins to play ]

Jason: Awww, great song!

[ the other buddies voice their agreement ]

Paul: The incomparable Richard Nelson!

Jason: Yep. Hey, you know what this song beminds me of? The last time I had sex.

Paul: Really?

Jason: Yeah. Yeah, I was in the back of a cab. There was this horrible traffic jam, and we were at a standstill. So we were really discreet about it. We just did it right under our coat, right there in the cab!

Bill: Wow!

Jason: Yeah! And, as luck would have it, you know, the second we were finished, traffic opened up. so the guy got out, got back in the driver’s seat, and drove me home. [ he laughs ] Second time that night!

Together:
“Well, it’s… all right now!
I’ve learned my lesson well!
You see, you… can’t please everyone
so you… got to please yourself!”

Bill: You know what this song reminds me of? The time I got engaged.

All: Ohhh, yeah!!

Bill: I remember my girl came in the room, and she said, “I’m pregnant!” And I was, like, “Great!” But when she turned around, I… took off out the back door and drove away. I didn’t see her for two weeks. Then, one day, I decided I would do the right thing, and proposed.

Will: What made you change your mind?

Bill: Her mom got nominated Vice-President of the United States.

Together:
“But it’s… all right now!
I’ve learned my lesson well!
You see, you… can’t please everyone
so you… got to please yourself!”

Bill: I dumped her on November 5th.

Jason: Big League Chew?

Paul: Oh, no thanks.

Jason: Big League Chew?

Bill: I’m good, I’m good.

Jason: Big League Chew?

Will: No, I’m fine.

Jason: More for me!

Will: Yeah… you know, I heard this song on the radio the other day. I was, uh, going to take a drug test for me new job. Yuo guys know I like to snort a bit of cocaine from time to time, right?

Jason: Sure.

Will: Well, luckily, I had a plan: I smuggled my friend’s urine into work. And it was tough, you know? I had to keep it on me all day.

Jason: Wow! Were you nervous?

Will: No, no, no, no, no — I was super cool. I didn’t say a word. Then again, it’s pretty hard to talk with another man’s urine in your mouth.

Together:
“But it’s… all right now!
I’ve learned my lesson well!
You see, you… can’t please everyone
so you… got to please yourself!”

Will: I still failed — my friend does coke, too.

Jason: Mushrooms? Mushrooms? [ everyone waves him away ] No magic mushrooms? More for me.

Paul: Man, this is sucj a great song! I should make this my ringtone! Hey, that reminds me — can you call me? I can’t find my cell phone.

Jason: Yeah, sure. [ he dials ] Here we go.

Paul: I found it!

Jason: Where? I can’t hear it.

Paul: No, it’s on vibrate. Uh, it’s in my butt. Don’t hang up! Don’t hang up! [ he waits and enjoys the experience ]

Together:
“Well, it’s… all right now!
I’ve learned my lesson well!
You see, you… can’t please everyone
so you… got to please yourself!”

Paul: Ah, damn — it went to voice mail. [ a beat ] Oh!

Jason: What?

Paul: A new message!

Jason: [ chuckles ]

Paul: Alright, 294 more miles to g.

Jason: Yep. We should take I-35, right? Do you have the map?

Paul: Yeah, it’s in the glovebox.

Jason: [ he opens it and laughs ] Wait a second! Why is there a gun in here?

Paul: Just protection.

Jason: Really? Is it loaded? [ he dangles it toward the back seat ]

[ the gun fires, striking Bill in the head as blood gushes from his rear temple and splashes all over he back window ]

Paul: Does that answer your question?

[ the guys all laugh, as the screen freezes and the words “THe ENd” appear on the screen to the sound of “CHiPS” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 8

08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

Proposition 8

Frankie…..Bill Hader
Eddie…..Paul Rudd
Guy…..Bobby Moyynihan
Woman…..Michaela Watkins

[ open on footage from a Prop 8 protest ]

[ dissolve to Eddie and Frankie standing in their service garage ]

Frankie: Can you believe this?

Eddie: No!

Frankie: “We want gay marriage.” I mean… [ he scoffs ] You know what I mean?

Eddie: I know what you mean.

Frankie: I mean, look — live the way you want to live, but, for me… you know. [ he sneers ] That don’t sit right.

Eddie: Ah, I know. I mean, to each their own. God bless. I got a cousin. But that stuff — ehhh.

Frankie: Look, they’re not bad people. I mean, remember we went to the Pride parade last year?

Eddie: That’s right, yeah. No, we had to build that float.

Frankie: Exactly! And, you know what? We had a good time!

Eddie: Sure, we did! It’s a pageant — the colors and the bodies, and it’s fun!

Frankie: It’s a way to spend a Sun-day! [ a beat ] But to make it your whole life? Eughh, it’s silly.

Eddie: No, you know what it is? It’s DUMB!

Frankie: Yeah. Hey, you know those guys from the parade?

[ he stops to assist a guy picking up his car ]

Frankie: Those guys from the parade — they’re good guys!

Eddie: Oy!

Frankie: I mean, we meet up, and we rollerblade shirtless and in jean cutoffs… and we walk our tiny dogs, you know?

Eddie: Yeah! Sure! Because it’s good fun! Hey, you know me — every week, I put on a ball gown and I go down to the club and do my Anne Murray show. [ he shrugs ] I sing standards and people forget their troubles.

Frankie: Yeahhh, you’re doing them a ser-vice! [ a beat ] Look, do I go cruising? Sure. And I pick up rough trade, and it’s a joke, and I can barely keep a straight face! I’m not judging anybody. But these people.

Eddie: I know! I mean, do I walk around like a big shot?

Frankie: No.

Eddie: I got a sense of humor! I go down to the bus station… I put my thing in a hole in the bathroom, and there’s some jokester on the other side, and we GOOF back and forth ‘cuz it’s DUMB!

Frankie: It’s a GAG! It’s HILARIOUS!

[ he stops to assist a woman picking up his car ]

Eddie: You know… like, with you and me.

Frankie: Thank you!

Eddie: We are lovers — we make love.

Frankie: Thank you!

Eddie: And, if we did get married, it would be to LAUGH at it!

Frankie: [ laughing ] We got gay-married! I would crack up!

[ Eddie drops to his knee and holds up a ring ]

Eddie: Hey, Frankie! Will you marry me?

Frankie: Ohhhhh, Eddie… this is the most hilarious goofball thing you’ve ever done! [ he takes the ring ] I do!

Eddie: [ stands ] Whoop-dee-doo! We’re engaged!

Frankie: Because it’s STU-PID!

[ they laugh, as Frankie whips out his cell phone ]

Eddie: Hey, who are you calling?

Frankie: My parents, to tell them the news. My mom’s gonna bust a GUT!

Eddie: They already know! I called and asked your father’s permission!

Frankie: You JERK! What did he say?

Eddie: He couldn’t stop laughing! [ a beat ] They’re getting us a panini bake.

Frankie: You registered us?!

Eddie: Williams Sonoma!

Frankie: Ohhhh! So, where we headed — Vermont?

Eddie: Massachusetts.

Frankie: Ohhh… hey, let’s go to that bed-and-breakfast at the herbalist home.

Eddie: One step ahead of you — I booked a room with the Franklin Star.

Frankie: Ohhhh, you silly bastard!

[ Eddie chuckles ]

Frankie: This is so stupid!

Eddie: The rest of our lives is gonna be so hilarious!

Frankie: [ grabs Eddie’s arm ] Come on! Let’s leave work!

[ the exit the scene, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 8

08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

Songwriters Showcase

Leonard Pinkins Adkins…..Kenan Thompson
Emcee…..Will Forte
Tonya Peoples…..Kristen Wiig
Ton Peoples…..Paul Rudd

Leonard Pinkins Adkins: [ singing ] “Baby please, won’t you leave the lights on, leave the lights on.”

Emcee: Ah, Leonard Pinkins Adkins with “Leave The Light On”. Woo! So much emotion in that song. I hope you all are enjoying tonights Songwriters Showcase. Leonard, can you tell us what inspired you to write “Leave The Light On”?

Leonard Pinkins Adkins: Well, ah, my wife’s insecure because she’s gotten a little fat. I want her to leave the light on so I can check it out, and if it’s really gotten out of hand, I’m gonna tell her she needs to do something about it.

Emcee: Well, sometimes you need to hear it from someone you love. You know I used to weigh 400 pounds and my wife said “Baby, you need to lose the weight for you!” and that was the last thing she said because then I rolled over on her and she died. I’m teasin’, she left me. Thanks, Leonard.

Leonard Pinkins Adkins: Thank you.

Emcee: Alright, our next songwriters are a husband and wife teem who have been married for over 13 years, but he has said publicly that they made love through their blue jeans years before that. Please welcome Tom & Tomya Tecret — oh, I’m sorry, can’t read my own writing — it’s Ton & Tonya Peoples.

Tonya: Hi! [ singing ] It was morning just like any other morning in the Georgia Hill

Ton: [ singing ] She heard a knockin’ at her door and up her spine she felt the tingly chill.

Tonya: [ singing ] And she stumbled to the door and said “Hey who’s that on the other side?.”

Ton: [ singing ] I got a package here for Lester Carl and Elinore Alisha Pride.

[ cut to Emcee enjoying song then cut back to Ton & Tonya ]

Tonya: [ singing ] She said “Listen here, those people that you’re talkin’ bout, they live next door.”

Ton: [ singing ] Then he said “Wait a second isn’t this 5407 Johnson Road?.”

Tonya: [ singing ] She said “Yes it is but this here is a duplex and they live in back.”

Ton: [ singing ] Then he said “Let me call my manager so I can get this package tracked.”

[ cut to Emcee enjoying song but not as much then cut back to Ton & Tonya ]

Tonya: [ singing ] Then he said “Lady can I use your phone, my cell ain’t got no signal that’s clear.”

Ton: [ singing ] And she said “Sure enough, but careful there’s a lot of broken glass over here.”

Tonya: [ singing ] And he tiptoed to the kitchen and he called his manager Jerome.

Ton: [ singing ] He started reading off the trackin’ number right into her M&M phone.

[ cut to Emcee not enjoying song then cut back to Ton & Tonya ]

Tonya: [ singing ] He said “31256935673452”

Ton: [ singing ] Then he continued “TKX45201267Q”

Tonya: [ singing ] Then he looked at her real weird and said “The rest is covered up by tape.”

Ton: [ singing ] And then he lifted up the tape and read “J712438”

[ cut to Emcee irritated by song then cut back to Ton & Tonya ]

Tonya: [ singing ] “57143577GLD5Q”

Ton: [ singing ] Then it continues with “BR4769138P2”

Tonya: [ singing ] Which was followed by an asterix then “PPDL-Q-“

Ton: [ singing ] And then a lower case u hyphen “55732…”

Emcee: [ interupting ] All right, thank you for that movin’ song. That slow movin’ song.

Tonya: Oh actually it’s not done. It gets real good, the next part.

Ton: Yeah see cause the people come home that live in the back and it turns out it wasn’t their package after all, cause um, they’s two Johnson Roads.

Tonya: Yeah one of them, one of them is spelled with an “h” and the other one it don’t got no “h”

Ton: Yeah but we’ll explain that in the next part of the song All right now 1 2 3.

Emcee: [ interupting ] No, all right, all right, all right, now look, can I be honest with you about your song writing?

Ton: Oh, I wish you wouldn’t.

Tonya: Me neither.

Emcee: OK then, great job. Ok we’re gonna take a little break. When we come back The Butterdud Family will be singing an original song called “Let’s All Put Make-Up On Little Sister.”

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Ken Toops

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 8

08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

Beyonce performs “If I Were A Boy”

…..Paul Rudd
…..Beyonce

Paul Rudd: Ladies and gentlemen — Beyonce.

Beyonce: [ singing ]
“If I were a boy
even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what I wanted and go

Drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
and I’d never get confronted for it
cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it’s broken
so they’d think that I was sleeping alone

I’d put myself first
and make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’ll be faithful,
waiting for me to come home, to come home.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say it’s just a mistake,
think i’d forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
you thought wrong

Man: You know when you act like that I dont think you realize how it makes me look or feel.

Beyonce: Act like what yo why you so jealous aint like im sleepin with tha guy — what?

Man: What… (laughs)

Beyonce: [ singing ]
I said why you so jealous aint like I’m sleeping with the girl
But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
and you don’t understand, ohhhh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’re taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

But you’re just a boy.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 8

08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

Paul Rudd’s Monologue

…..Paul Rudd
Gov. Janet Napolitano…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Paul Rudd!

Paul Rudd: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much. It is just — it is GREAT to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I’ve just always loved this show, and there’s just been so much excitement around SNL this year because of this exciting, historic election! [ the audience cheers ] YES! And, now, I’m here — eleven days after the… election has ended, and… you know, I just don’t feel the heat. It’s a little bit, kind of, like, you know, being in Times Square on New Year’s, uh, day. [ the audience laughs ] Kind of after everyone’s gone home, and there’s… garbage on the ground.

Wait — no! Election or no election, this is SNL! You know? [ the audience cheers ] That’s right! Yes! Being here now is like winning an Oscar — uh, one of those technical Oscars that they give out at a hotel. But it’s STILL an Oscar! SNL is as GREAT as ever! [ the audience cheers ]

For instance, did you like Tina Fey as Sarah Palin? Huh? [ the audience cheers ] Pretty good, right? Well, if that’s the case, you are gonna LOVE Kristen Wiig as potential Attorney General, Arizona governor, Janet Napolitano!

Gov. Janet Napolitano: I’m potential Attorney General… Janet Napolitano! I grew up in Albuquerque!

Paul Rudd: Hey, Janet! What do you think we should do to, uh, border security legislation?

Gov. Janet Napolitano: Let’s REVAMP it!

[ Rudd tries to show his excitement, but the audience isn’t fully buying it, so Wiig makes her exit ]

Paul Rudd: Oh, well. It could be a little early on that one, but that is a GREAT Janet Napolitano. And, either way, I am jut so happy to be here ANY week of the year! It’s — it’s a dream come true. And I know everyone says that, but I really mean it. Plus, you never know, a certain President-elect might stop by! [ he glances off-screen ] What? No? Oh. Sorry.

But, anyway — look, we’ve got a great show! Beyonce is here. So, stick around, and we’ll be back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 8

08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

Suicide Jumper

Louis….Will Forte
Jamie….Bill Hader
Suicide Jumper aka Cornelius….Paul Rudd

(Opens with an emergency situation, sirens wail, police cars arrive. A suicide jumper is standing on a ledge ready to jump.)

Suicide Jumper: I´M GONNA JUMP! I SWEAR I´M GONNA DO IT!

(Cut to two rescue workers. Louis is older, he has a mustache and glasses. Jamie is younger and the rookie at the scene. They both look up at the ledge of the building and so does a small crowd of onlookers in the back.)

Jamie: He certainly seems resigned to jump off that building.

Louis: Indeed he does, indeed he does.

Jamie: Louis, give me a shot at this one.

Louis: No, Jamie. I think I better take it. One little rookie mistake and this guy is a Jackson Pollock painting all over the pavement. Watch and learn. (Over loudspeaker) Sir, what is your freaking problem?

Suicide Jumper: What´s my freaking problem?! I´ll tell you what my freaking´problem is! I lost all my money in the stock market and to top it off I found out my girlfriend is banging my psychic! And you know what the worst part is?! He predicted this was gonna happen! So “f” it! I´m gonna jump!

Louis:(to Jamie) Ah, looks like this is a sensitive case but don´t worry. I think I figure out the perfect strategy to talk him down. (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!

Suicide Jumper: No! I´m gonna do it! I´m gonna jump!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!

Suicide Jumper: I don´t have any reason to live anymore!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t !

Suicide Jumper: I´ve been with Carlie for 10 years!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!

Suicide Jumper: 10 years!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!

Suicide Jumper: What the hell am I gonna do now?!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!

Suicide Jumper: I got no money!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!

Suicide Jumper: I got no girlfriend!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!

Suicide Jumper: And now I´ve got to get another psychic too!

Louis:(Over loudspeaker) Don´t!

Suicide Jumper: Please, stop saying that!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!

Suicide Jumper: You´re making me feel like jumping even more!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t! (to Jamie) Ah, this is one nut I´m having a hard time cracking.

Jamie: Can I make a suggestion?

Louis: Suggest away.

Jamie: Try to build a rapport.

Louis: Oh, Jamie. Great idea! One freaking rapport coming up. (Over loudspeaker) Hey, what´s your name?

Suicide Jumper: Cornelius.

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Cornelius? That´s a stupid name. Look, Cornelius. Don´t!

Suicide Jumper: I swear to God I will do this, man!

Louis:(Over loudspeaker) Don´t!

Suicide Jumper: I got nothing to live for!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!

Suicide Jumper: Absolutely nothing….

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!

Suicide Jumper: Look, you say “don´t” one more time and I´m gonna jump off this building!

Louis:(Over loudspeaker) Do not!

Suicide Jumper: I´m gonna do it!

Louis: (to Jamie) Well, this one is a lost cause. Let´s clear a spot for him to jump and get our towels and cleaning supplies ready. (Over loudspeaker) Ok, let it rip!

Suicide Jumper: Fine. Here I go!

Jamie: You mind if I get a crack at this?

Louis:(Over loudspeaker) Ok, wait, wait, wait! Don´t, don´t! Do not! My partner here would like to practice on you a little.

Suicide Jumper: Practice?

Louis: (Over loudspeakers) Yeah, thanks for understanding. Just, you know, give him a minute or two and then whenever you feel like jumping, go for it. But can I ask you a favor that could help with our cleanup process? If you could just zip up your sweatshirt and put on your hood, it could really help us with splashback. (to Jamie) All right, take her home, newbie.

Jamie: I, I´m really nervous. (Over loudspeaker, meekly) Hey, Cornelius. My name is Jamie. How are you?

Suicide Jumper: I´m bad!

Jamie: (Over loudspeaker) Why don´t you try to be good?

Suicide Jumper: What?!

Jamie: (Over loudspeaker) Ah, you want to play some ping-pong?

Suicide Jumper: No!

Jamie: (Over loudspeaker) Foosball?

Suicide Jumper: No!

Jamie: (Over loudspeaker) Change your mind about the ping-pong?

Suicide Jumper: No!

Jamie: (Over loudspeaker, barely audible) Oh, look, don´t.

Suicide Jumper: You guys are nuts!

Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Ok, just one more minute! Don´t, don´t. Do not! (to Jamie) Look, Jamie. You were doing great. Ok. Just speak from your heart.

Jamie: Ok, I´ll try. (Over loudspeaker) Look, Cornelius… I know how you feel cause I´ve been in your shoes. (Sentimental music) I was on a ledge about to jump and a very special man came into my life and he talked me down. He’s been my best friend ever since and I know he´s gonna hate me for saying this….

Louis: ( emotional) Don´t…

Jamie: No, Louis. I want you to know something.

Louis: Don´t.

Jamie: No, I need to say this.

Louis: Don´t.

Jamie: I love you.

Louis: Aww, I´m gonna cry.

Suicide Jumper: What the hell are you guys doing?!

Louis: Jamie, there´s something I want to tell you…

Suicide Jumper: I´M GONNA JUMP!

Louis and Jamie: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!

Louis: Jamie, I just want you to know…

Jamie: (emotional) Don´t.

Louis: That you make me….

Jamie: Don´t.

Louis: Incredibly proud.

Suicide Jumper: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

(Cornelius jumps to his death. Louis, Jamie and the crowd of onlookers follow the drop of Cornelius)

(Crash! The body lands on a car and the alarm goes off. Jamie takes his beeper out and turns it off.)

Jamie: Sorry, Louis. I let you down.

Louis: No way. At the end of the day our jobs is about one thing and one thing only. Getting them off the building. And that gentleman is off the building in a very real way.

Jamie: We did our jobs?

Louis: With flying colors. Ah, speaking of flying colors, he didn´t zip his sweatshirt. Splashback!

Jamie: Splashback!

(fade)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 8

08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

Goodnights

…..Paul Rudd

Paul Rudd: Aw, I want to say Thank You to Beyonce! And Justin Timberlake! Lorne Michaels, and the cast, and the crew! It’s been an amazing week! Thank you so much!

SNL Transcripts