Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 8

08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

A Message from the Vice President-Elect of the United States

Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Vice President-Elect title card ]

Announcer: And now, a message from the Vice President-Elect of the United States.

[ dissolve to Biden seated in study ]

Joe Biden: Good evening! Good evening! I’m Joe Biden. On November 4th, Americans went to the polls and made an historic choice for this country. And when Americans chose Barack Obama, they also got me, Joe Biden!

But now, I feel some of you are disappointed. Sure, it was an entertaining election, and no one was more entertaining than Sarah Palin. But I want to make you a promise: I can be as entertaining as Sarah Palin! I can be sassy. I can be unpredictable, and you bet your buttons that Joe Biden can be off message! The only thing I CAN’T do… is wink. [ he makes a lame attempt to wink, but is unable to do so ] Nothing. Nothing at all. But that is the ONLY difference. You don’t think I can give a train wreck interview to Katie Couric? Just name the TIME and the PLACE, and Joe Biden will bring the train. I am a WILD CARD!!

In the middle of a tough campaign, I guaranteed a MAJOR international crisis would occur if voters chose Obama. [ he smiles ] And that’s only a “2” on the Biden Blunder Scale. Yeah. And the Biden Blunder Scale goes to 100! [ he chuckles ] And when I say these things — these things I shouldn’t — people take me aside and say, “Joe! Joey! You gotta use your head before you say stuff like that.” And I look them in the eyes and I say, “Message received! I hear you loud and clear!” But here’s the good news: the message is NOT received! I barely hear them at all! I mean, I know they’re talking, but, to me, it just sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher. Just: “Joe, mwaah, mwaah, mwaah, mwaah, mwaah, mwaah…” [ he chuckles ]

So will I be as entertaining as Sarah Palin? You betcha! [ he makes another lame attempt to get a wink from his eye, but fails ] Unbelievable. I don’t know what’s going on up there.

So, look, here’s my promise to you, the American people: I will be a better vice president than Sarah Palin — just like I would be a better president than Barack Obama! WHOA!! WHOA!! What?! [ he chuckles ] That’s just — that’s just a “5” on the Biden Blunder Scale. Yeah? Only a “5”? Yeah! Yea-eah! And that’s just the tip of the Blunder-berg, people. [ he makes another lame attempt to wink his eye ] Let me go right here. No, not even right. I can’t get it going that way, either.

You know, in Delaware we have a joke: What’s the difference between a pit bull and Joe Biden? You can teach a pit bull to keep its mouth shut! [ he struggles to wink one eye, but instead manages to blink both eyes ] Yeah, that counts.

Alright — oh! And: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 8

08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

Clearing the Air

Paul…..Paul Rudd
Bill…..Bill Hader
Fred…..Fred Armisen

[ projector image, SUPER: “A Movie By Fred, Bill & Noah” ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Bellavitae Restaurant ]

[ dissolve to itnerior, Bill Hader and Paul Rudd seated at table against the wall, drinking coffee ]

Paul: Hey, man, I’m glad we finally got a chance to hang out.

Bill: Yeah. Yeah, it’s been a while.

Paul: Yeah. I just wanted to clear the air.

Bill: Yeah! Yeah, me, too.

Paul: I hope the whole Tracey thing…

Bill: Oh. Y-yeah, yeah — no. It’s… it’s totally cool that you guys went out, I just hope that… we… can still be friends.

Paul: No, no! Oh! Y… no!

Bill: No, no, I know — yeah, I know. You know, it was hard for me at first. Y-yeah.

Paul: I mean, you did break up with her.

Bill: Right! Right. Right. I mean, but, it was still painful.

Paul: Oh, God! No, no! I-I-I-I didn’t mean to suggest that it wasn’t…

Bill: Oh! I wasn’t suggesting that you were suggesting…

Paul: Oh, no, no! I know — I know that you aren’t suggesting that I was — no, I know!

Bill: Hey, you guys are over with now, anyway.

Paul: Yeah! No! But, no — yeah. But, no, that’s what I mean!

Bill: You know what? The Fourth of July is the Fourth of July.

Paul: Yeah, yeah, yeah…

Bill: Everybody is crazy…

Paul: Anyway, I’m really, uh — I’m really, really… sorry.

Bill: Come on!

Paul: No, no, no! I’m…

Bill: Come on! No, don’t do that.

Paul: Really! I’m really, really…

Bill: Come on.

Paul: I’m really, really…

Bill: Come on.

Paul: No, no.

[ Fred enters ]

Fred: Hey, guys.

Bill & Paul: Heeeyyyy…

[ Fred sits next to Bill ]

Paul: So, uh — we were just, uh… kind of clearing the air about this whle Tracey thing.

Fred: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Paul: And, I think, Bill, basiclaly, seems cool with the fact that Tracey —

Bill: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Paul: Okay!

Fred: So, you’re cool with the fact that… I’m seeing Tracey right now?

Paul: Well! Well — well — well, it’s kind of… weird, but…

Bill: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Paul: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! Yeah, no — it’s totally, you know, cool!

Fred: You guys aren’t mad at me right now?

Bill & Paul: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Fred: G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-good!

Bill: No, no, no.

Paul: You guys kind of hooked up while we were still going out… but…

Fred: Right, right, right, right…

Bill: And I’m still, techincally, living with her.

Fred: Wait, wait, wait, w-w-w-wait, wait, wait! I can totally explain that.

Bill & Paul: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Fred: Yeah, yeah! She told me that each of you broke up with her.

Paul: Mmm-hmm.

Bill: Mmm-hmm.

Paul: Mmm-hmm.

Bill: Mmm-hmm.

Fred: That’s what — and then, I thought it would be cool…

Paul: Yeah!

Bill: Yeah!

Fred: Look, and I understand. I mean, you guys would be… and that makes sense.

Bill: No, no, no, no, no, no! And I — you know, I’m agreeing with you.

Paul: You are?

Bill: [ a beat ] No!

Paul: Wait. No… what?

Bill: [ thinking ] No. [ a beat ] Yes.

Paul: Oh, totally.

[ Waitress walks up ]

Waitress: Hey, guys!

Bill, Paul, Fred: Heeeeeyyyyyy….

Waitress: You ready for your bill?

Bill, Paul, Fred: N-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no…

Waitress: [ shirks away ] Okay, okay, okay…

Fred: [ continues ] Just listen. Things are complicated right now… and we’re all good friends.

Bill: Totally, totally, totally, totally…

Paul: Yeah, yeah! Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah…

Fred: You guys are like brothers to me.

Bill: Mmm-hmm.

Paul: Mmm-hmm.

Bill: Mmm-hmm.

Paul: Mmm-hmm.

Fred: So… I really like Tracey right now —

Paul: No. N-no, no, no, no…

Bill: No.

Fred: I love you guys —

Bill: Yeah!

Paul: Yeah!

Fred: And it’s hard for me —

Bill: Yeah!

Paul: Yeah!

Fred: And I don’t want our relationship to get in the way of our friendship.

Bill: No! no!

Paul: N-no, n-no, no, no!

Fred: We’re the brothers, you know? We’re the guys.

Bill: Come ooooonnnn!!

Fred: That’s the deal.

Paul: Definitely!

[ they finally stop talking and sip their coffees ]

Paul: So, I f–ked Tracey last night.

Bill: I f–ked her last night, too!

Fred: Waaaaiiittt…

Paul: N-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no…

Bill: Y-yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…

Fred: W-wait, wait, wait, wait, wait…

Paul: N-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no…

Bill: Y-yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…

Fred: W-wait, wait, wait, wait, wait…

[ their chatter overlaps one another, as time progresses and we see the Waitress fall asleep at her station, and eventually the guys exit the restauant still chattering ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 8


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

November 15th, 2008

Paul Rudd

Beyonce

None

Justin Timberlake

None

A Message from the Vice President-Elect of the United StatesSummary: Vice President-elect Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis) promises that he can be just as entertaining as Sarah Palin was during the lead-up to the election.

Recurring Characters: Jason Sudeikis.

Transcript

Montage

Paul Rudd’s MonologueSummary: Paul Rudd promises with great uncertainty that SNL will be just as entertaining now as it was during the election.

Transcript

SproingoSummary: The erectile dysfunction supplement that gives off amusing sound effects to let men know when it’s working.

Transcript

VogelchecksSummary: The affectionate Vogelcheck Family (Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, Paul Rudd, Bill Hader) greet one another with open arms and wet, sloppy kisses.

Scared StraightSummary: Hardcore inmate Lorenzo McIntosh (Kean Thompson) tries to scare another trio of young punks (Paul Rudd, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and Paul Rudd paint nude portraits of one another, then decide to auction off the results. They soon realize “Everyone’s a Critic” when the entire roomful of bidders react with extreme disgust.

Transcript

Songwriters ShowcaseSummary: Husband-and-wife singer-songwriters Tom (Paul Rudd) and Tonya Peoples (Kristen Wiig) perform a droning variant of “Choctaw Ridge”.

Transcript

Road TripSummary: Bar buddies (Jason Sudeikis, Paul Rudd, Will Forte, Bill Hader) wax nostalgic while listening to Rick Nelson’s “Garden Party” during a road trip.

Recurring Characters: Buddies.

Transcript

Beyonce performs “If I Were a Boy”First Performed: 02t.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Effeminate cartoon character Snagglepuss (Bobby Monihan) expresses his outrage over the votes cast against Proposition 8. Because he’s unable to host next week, Justin Timberlake provides a speedy rundown of how formulaic and unorignal his episode would have been anyway.

Transcript

Beyonce VideoSummary: While filming her video for “Single Ladies”, Beyonce is vexed by three effeminate male dancers (Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake, Bobby Moynihan).

Suicide JumperSummary: A pair of cops (Will Forte, Bill Hader) try to talk a suicidal man (Paul Rudd) off a ledge.

Transcript

Beyonce performs “Single Ladies”

Proposition 8Summary: A pair of grease monkeys (Paul Rudd, Bill Hader) think a gay rights parade is stupid and decide to jokingly get married and move in together to demonstrate how silly it is.

Transcript

Clearing the AirSummary: Three buddies (Bill Hader, Paul Rudd, Fred Armisen) who have dated the same girl make an attempt to clear the air of their predictament.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 7

08g: Ben Affleck / David Cook

The Staten Island Zoo

Mark Potsic…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on title slide ]

Announcer: And now, a message from the Staten Island Zoo.

[ cut to zoo office, Mark Potsic seated behind desk ]

Mark Potsic: Hey there, wildlife enthusiasts! My name is Mark Potsic, and today I’d like to talk about an animal we all know, but may now know much about: Giraffes! Sure, they have long necks and spots, but what do we really know about them? Luckily, we’ve just received a brand new documentary from a group of students at Staten Island Technical High School. Now, I haven’t seen it yet, but I’ve been told it’s very insightful. Let’s check it out.

[ cut to documentary footage ]

Voiceover: One of the world’s most gentle and majestic creatures —

[ a heavy metal guitar riff kicks in, as cutouts of giraffes appear the screen. ]

Theme:
“Giraffes!
Giraffes!
Giraffes!
Giraffes!

We Sleep 2 Hours A Day, But We Don’t Fear The Reaper!
We Eat From Trees, And Play Mine-Sweeper!
We Weight 3 Tons, We Come From Outer Space!
Sent Here To Destroy The Whole Human Race!

Giraffes!
Giraffes!
Giraffes!
Giraffes!

Vampire Blood Runs Through Our Veins!
Long Forked Tongues Wag, Driving You Insane!
We Have Holding Camps, For When The Time Is Right!
We Will Eat Your Brains, For Our Delight.

Giraffes!
Giraffes!
Giraffes!
Giraffes!

There’s No Escape, We’ll Send You To F***ing Hell!
Drinking Gasoline And Spitting Pure Fire,
We Take To The Sky On A Leathery Wings Of A Bat!

Giraffes!
F*** Hell Yeah!!!
Giraffes!”

[ cut back to Mark Potsic at his desk. He is clearly shocked and disturbed by the video ]

Mark Potsic: I — I —

[ cut back to title slide ]

Announcer: This has been a message from the Staten Island Zoo.

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 7


]]>

08g: Ben Affleck / David Cook

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
…..Sen. John McCain
Dr. Patrick Kelly…..Will Forte
Dr. Gunther Kelly…..Fred Armisen
Aunt Linda…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

As the presidential campaign draws to a close, John McCain’s campaign rallies have featured frequent appearances by Joe the Plumber. While Barack Obama’s campaign is sticking with its mascot: “Joe the Bummer”. [ photo of Joe Biden ]

At a campaign rally on Thursday, Senator McCain called Joe the Plumber up to the stage, only to discover that he was not at the rally. In fairness to Joe the Plumber, he did say he’d be there sometime between noon and 6 pm.

On Wednesday, the Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series in five games, defeating the Tampa Bay Rays in Major League Baseball’s annual contest to determine whose city will be set on fire by drunks.

Archaeologists in Israel, digging at a site where David is believed to have slain Goliath, have discovered a shard of pottery with writing that may give credence to the biblical tale. So, catch the whole story on the next episode of “C.S.Oy”.

With the election only three days away, most polls show Barack Obama leading John McCain by a slight margin. Here to comment on his campaign strategy, Senator John McCain.

Sen. John McCain: Thank you, Seth. You know, a lot can happen in three days. And, while I’m confident that we will emerge victorious, I’m also considering a few radical last-minute strategies.

Seth Meyers: New strategies? Like what?

Sen. John McCain: Well, you know how people call me “The Maverick”?

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Sen. John McCain: Well — well, I thought I’d try a strategy called the “Reverse Maverick”. That’s where I do whatever anybody tells me. I don’t ask questions, I just go with the flow. If that doesn’t work, I go to the “Double Maverick”. That’s where I go totally berserker and just freak everybody out! Even the regular mavericks!

Seth Meyers: That doesn’t sound like the best strategy.

Sen. John McCain: It isn’t. And here’s another bad one. It’s called “The Sad Grandpa”. [ audience applauds ] That’s where I get on stage and I go: “Come on, Obama’s gonna have PLENTY of chances to be President! It’s MY turn! Vote for ME!”

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I don’t know if I’d do that.

Sen. John McCain: Alright. Okay, then here’s a good one. It’s called “The Charleston”. That’s where I only campaign in Charleston, South Carolina. I really lock it down. Meet every single resident three or four times. Or how about “The Forrest Gump”? That’s where I just start jogging across America, and eventually everything works out.

Seth Meyers: That might work… that might work.

Sen. John McCain: Or, maybe, “The Rocky IV”. I live alone in the wilderness, and pull a sled through the snow until I’m in peak physical condition.

Seth Meyers: How would that help you win an election?

Sen. John McCain: It won’t. But if I ever have to fight Vladimir Putin, I’ll be ready!

Seth Meyers: Okay. Well, if you had to choose one strategy in the remaining days, what would it be?

Sen. John McCain: Seth, my basic strategy is the one I’ve stuck with since I started this campaign: connect with the voters, talk with them honestly about the issues, and stand by my record of service to this great country.

Seth Meyers: And if that doesn’t work?

Sen. John McCain: [ thinking ] Probably the “Double Maverick”.

Seth Meyers: Senator John McCain, everyone!

While speaking at a campaign rally is western Pennsylvania, which is Pittsburgh Pirates territory, Sarah Palin was booed when she said that she was “thrilled to be here in the home state of the world champion Philadelphia Phillies.” Though, in fairness to Palin, she’s not used to states with more than one city.

Phil Spector’s retrial in the murder of actress Lana Clarkson began on Wednesday. Spector plead not guilty, while his hair plead insanity.

A new line of Italian wines based on the HBO hit series, “The Sopranos”, will be launched in the U.S. this Fall. Also in the works: “Entourage” brand douche bags.

Seth Meyers: With the election only days away, MILLIONS of people are getting ready to get out and exercise their right to vote. But, in a troubling turn of events, early voting has been marred by a slew of problems with the electronic voting machines used in many states. Here to comment are voting machine experts Drs. Patrick and Gunther Kelly.

Dr. Patrick Kelly: Thank you, Seth. Uhh — yes. There have been many problems with some of the voting machines. But people need not worry, because there are several safeguards in place to insure that your vote is counted properly.

Dr. Gunther Kelly: Yes. It’s actually a very complicated series of procedures, so we’ve written a song that helps explain exactly what happens in the event of a voting machine malfunction. It’s called “The Voting Machine Back-Up Procedural Information Song”.

Dr. Patrick Kelly: Pay attention!

[ an upbeat tempo plays in the background ]

Dr. Gunther Kelly: [ singing ]
“Do do do do doooooo-ooooo-ooo.
Do do do do doooooo-ooooo-ooo.”
[ he continues in the background ]

Dr. Patrick Kelly: [ singing ]
“Yaaaa-haaaa-aaaaahhh-aahhhhh!
Yaaaa-haaaa-aaaaahhh-aahhhhh!
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!
Ahhhh-aaaahhhh-aaahhhh!

Yaaaa-haaaa-aaaaahhh-aahhhhh!
Aaaaa-haaaa-aaaaahhh-aahhhhh!

Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya
Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya
Ya ya ya ya ya ya yaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!

Aaa-ahhhh!
Yaaaa-aaaahhhhhhhh!

Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya
Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya
Ya ya ya ya ya ya — ya!”

Seth Meyers: The Kelly Brothers, everyone! Thank you! Thank you very much.

A North Dakota man, whose name was drawn from a hat, pressed a button and demolished an historic bridge over the Missouri River this week. Unfortunately, the button was just supposed to simply light up a sign saying “Welcome to North Dakota.”

This Sunday, Daylight Savings Time ends. John McCain quickly condemned it as a redistribution of sunlight.

Seth Meyers: The new television season is in full swing. Here with some views, is Amy’s Aunt Linda.

Aunt Linda: [ annoyed ] I’ve been waiting over a half-hour! [ open-mouthed gape ]

Seth Meyers: So, it’s great news about Amy’s baby, huh? Have you seen him?

Aunt Linda: NO! Get this, Seth: they wouldn’t let me in the hospital because I had a RASH on my hands from using some Jergen’s lotion that had turned! [ open-mouthed gape ]

Seth Meyers: So, what do you think about the new Fall TV season?

Aunt Linda: I gotta say — the premise of these new shows STINK like a duck’s brown bottom! [ open-mouthed gape ] Let’s start with the most “realistic” one: “Life On Mars”. It’s about a man who gets hit by a car and wakes up in the 1970’s! [ trembling ] I… I… I thought it was about MARTIANS!! The whole thing is on EARTH! I didn’t know what’s happening! And the title! “Life On Mars”! They should call it “Crap On T.V.”! I give this one a big “Whaat?” and a “It Figures!”

The second show — and I use that word loosely — is “Knight Rider”. Here’s a character that draws me in: a man in a leather jacket who drives around solving crimes in a car that TALKS to him like a ROBOT!! Has anyone noticed this is a total rip-off of a show back in the 80’s starring David Hasselhoff?! It’s VERY similar! I give this show seven “Ghaaas?” and one-and-a-half “Yougottabe Frigginkiddingme!”

Seth Meyers: [ semi-amused ] Is there anything this season that you did like?

Aunt Linda: Wellll… I’m glad you asked — NO!! But if I had to watch something that wouldn’t rot my brain… “Californication”. Great storylines… realistic acting… and genitals.

Seth Meyers: Well! I did not expect that!

Aunt Linda: Well, I’m STILL a woman, Seth. [ she makes a face at him ]

Seth Meyers: Aunt Linda, everybody!

A plumber in Long Island, whose marriage fell apart after he told his wife that he was gay, admitted to police that he laced her coffee with cyanide because he could not bear to see her with anyone else. Which begs the question, are there any plumbers left who just unclog drains?

Gerard Damiano, the director of the pioneering porno film “Deep Throat”, died this week at the age of 80. “Deep Throat”, of course, is remembered, above all else, for being well directed. Per his request, Damiano will be buried a couple of inches deeper than everybody else.

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 7

08g: Ben Affleck / David Cook

David Cook performs “Light On”

…..Ben Affleck
…..David Cook

Ben Affleck: Ladies and gentlemen — David Cook.

David Cook: [ singing ]
“Never really said too much
Afraid it wouldn’t be enough
Just try to keep my spirits up
When there’s no point in grieving
Doesn’t matter anyway
Words could never make me stay
Words will never take my place
When you know I’m leaving

Try to leave a light on when I’m gone
Something I rely on to get home
One I can feel at night
A naked light, a fire to keep me warm
Try to leave a light on when I’m gone
Even in the daylight, shine on
And when it’s late at night you can look inside
You won’t feel so alone

You know we’ve been down that road
What seems a thousand times before
My back to a closing door and my eyes to the seasons
That roll out underneath my heels
And you don’t know how bad it feels
To leave the only one that I have ever believed in

Try to leave a light on when I’m gone
Something I rely on to get home
One I can feel at night
A naked light, a fire to keep me warm
Try to leave a light on when I’m gone
Even in the daylight, shine on
And when it’s late at night you can look inside
You won’t feel so alone

Sometimes it feels like we’ve run out of luck
When the signal keeps on breaking up
When the wires cross in my brain
You’ll start my heart again
When I come along

Try to leave a light on when I’m gone
Something I rely on to get home
One I can feel at night
A naked light, a fire to keep me warm
Try to leave a light on when I’m gone
Even in the daylight, shine on
And when it’s late at night you can look inside
You won’t feel so alone.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 7

08g: Ben Affleck / David Cook

Ben Affleck’s Monologue

…..Ben Affleck

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Ben Affleck!

Ben Affleck: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be back in New York, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Uh — of course, like many of you, my mind is on next Tuesday, and this… incredibly important election. Uh, I’ve always been politiclaly active, myself. When I was a kid, my mom took me around to canvas for Jimmy Carter when he ran for re-election against Reagan. Uh, I even volunteered for — for — for Mondale and Ferraro. Of course, they lost, but, uh — I did a little work for Dukakis when I was in high school. In 1992, I, uh — volunteered for Paul Tsongas. He didn’t win. [ he clears his throat ] Then, GORE! Uh — then, Kerry. [ he clear his throat, embarrassed by his track record of failure ] So… basically, my support has the opposite effect. So, it seems the best thing I can do for the Democratic Party candidate — uh — is to stand here tonight, and announce my endorsement of Sen. John McCain. [ audience cheers ] He’s actually here tonight! He’s a great guy — I can’t wait to tell him the good news, I’m sure he’ll be thrilled!

We have a great show tonight — David Cook is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 7

08g: Ben Affleck / David Cook

A Special Message from Sen. John McCain & Gov. Sarah Palin

…..Sen. John McCain
Gov. Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey
…..Cindy McCain

[ open on QVC schedule card ]

Announcer: Later on QVC: At midnight, it’s “Applique Fever with George Ann Bice”; at 12:30, it’s “Belts, Belts, Belts”; and, at 1:00 a.m., “Jewelry Addicts Late Night Nod-Off!” But, now, a special message from Sen. John McCain and Gov. Sarah Palin.

[ dissolve to Sen. John McCain & Gov. Sarah Palin standing on QVC set ]

Sen. John McCain: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I’m John McCain.

Gov. Sarah Palin: And, you know, I’m just Sarah Palin!

Sen. John McCain: The final days of any election are the most essential. This past Wednesday, Barack Obama purchased airtime on three major networks. We, however, can only afford QVC.

Gov. Sarah Palin: These campaigns sure are expensive! [ she playfully strokes her jacket lapel ]

Sen. John McCain: They sure are. They sure are. So, tonight, we come before you to give you some final remarks on our campaign.

Gov. Sarah Palin: And, as part of our agreement with the QVC folks, we’re gonna try and sell you some stuff!

Sen. John McCain: This has been an historic campaign, so why not remember it with our line of collectible products? Such as ten commemorative plates that celebrate the ten Town Hall debates between Senator Obama and myself. [ reveal blank plates on wall ] They are blank. He wouldn’t agree to those debates. Too bad. They’re still nice plates.

[ cut to Palin standing beside a set of action figures ]

Gov. Sarah Palin: And who wouldn’t want the complete set of limited edition “Joe” action figures? There’s “Joe the Plumber”, “Joe Six-Pack”, and, my personal favorite, “Joe Biden”. If ya’ pull this cord, he talks for forty-five minutes.

[ Palin pulls Biden’s cord ]

Joe biden Doll V/O: I take the Amtrak to work every day! Then —- after work -— I take it home! Let me tell you something about Joe Biden — he’s not gonna back down…!

Sen. John McCain: It’s great if you want to clear out a party.

Gov. Sarah Palin: Or keep elk out of your yard!

Sen. John McCain: But we’re not just here to sell products. We’re here with a message. We are at a crossroads in American history. The leadership of the next four years will have many challenges, and I believe my experience and my leadership will make a difference —

Gov. Sarah Palin: [ interrupting ] Also, too –- sorry! I need to remind you that there are just two minutes left in our Washington Outsider Jewelry Extravaganza.

Sen. John McCain: Are you someone who likes fine jewelry and also respects a politician who can reach across the aisle? If so, you can’t go wrong with McCain Fine Gold.

[ McCain steps to the side, where Cindy McCain poses behind a display for “McCain Fine Gold” ]

Sen. John McCain: It commemorates the McCain Feingold Act — and also looks great with evening wear. Thank you, Cindy.

[ cut to Palin at another display table ]

Gov. Sarah Palin: And what busy hockey mom wouldn’t want to freshen up her home with Sarah Palin’s “Ayers Fresheners”? You plug these into the wall when something doesn’t quite smell quite right. Also, too, it’s good because it reminds people about William Ayers!

[ cut to McCain standing at another display table ]

Sen. John McCain: Having trouble cutting through a tough piece of pork? Not anymore — with John McCain’s complete set of pork knives. They cut the pork out!

[ cut to Palin ]

Gov. Sarah Palin: So instead of going to one of those elite department stores, with their liberal agendas and over-priced items, and their gotcha return policies that violate your First Amendment rights — why not do your holiday shopping with us? [ she turns to a different camera and whispers ] Okay, listen up everybody, I am goin’ rogue right now, so keep your voices down. [ she holds up a “Palin 2012” t-shirt ] Available now, we got a buncha’ these “Palin in 2012” T-shirts. Just try and wait until after Tuesday to wear ’em, okay? Because I am not goin’ anywhere! And I’m certainly not goin’ back to Alaska! If I’m not goin’ to the White House, I’m either runnin’ in four years or I’m gonna be a white Oprah, so… you know, I’m good either way!

Sen. John McCain: What’s going on over there, Sarah?

Gov. Sarah Palin: Ohhhh, just talkin’ about taxes. [ she gives a sly wink to the camera ]

Sen. John McCain: Look, would I rather be on three major networks? Of course! But I’m a TRUE maverick — a Republican without money. And I’m not like my opponent. My only showbiz connections are Jon Voight and Heidi from “The Hills”. So I’m here on QVC, and, like QVC, this campaign promises you three things: quality, value, and convenience.

Gov. Sarah Palin: And great deals on juicers!

Sen. John McCain: So when you go to the polls on Tuesday, remember: “Country First”. As a reminder, all undergarments are non-refundable. And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 7

08g: Ben Affleck / David Cook

Grady Wilson´s Put the Fire Back in your Marriage Techniques

Grady Wilson….Kenan Thompson

(Opens with Grady Wilson. A 50-ish old black man, almost balding, gray hair, sweater)

Grady Wilson: Well, hello. I´m Grady Wilson and I want to have a word with all the men out there about something very important. Your marriage. As years go by too many gentlemen nowadays lose the passion that they once had. Especially in the lovemaking. But sexual relations are very important between couples. And just because you´ve been together for a long time it doesn´t mean the quality of your lovemaking should suffer. Which is why I made this DVD. (holds DVD case up) Grady Wilson´s Put the Fire back in your Marriage Techniques. Spend one hour with this tape and you´ll get guaranteed moves like “The Whipped Butter”.

(cut to Mr. Grady in his basement wearing only his underwear and socks. The basement is all cluttered up with beer cans, weights, an old lounge chair, lamp, tools and all kinds of crap on the shelves behind him.)

Caption: “The Whipped Butter”

Grady Wilson: OK, now for this one what you wanna do is you wanna get your center of gravity down low. (he squats a little) Get the balance in your thighs. (slaps thighs twice) Balance in your thighs. And then you just whip that butter! (makes a rapid circle with his butt) Whip that butter! (circles again) Whip that butter! (circles again) Whip that butter! (circles again) Whip it!

Caption: “The Jack of all Trades”

Grady Wilson: “The Jack of all Trades” All right now, you wanna get you hands and your tongue and your thrust going on at the same time. (he jumps back sticking his tongue and banging to the front three times) Huh! Huh! Huh!

Caption: “The Yeah That´s Good”

Grady Wilson: And “The Yeah that´s Good”. All right, for this one you wanna get your leg up as high as it can go. (puts one leg up on the lounge chair) Get it up real high like that….yeah that´s good. (bangs to the front slowly) And dip your back. (dips his back) Oh, that´s good. O-o-oh, that´s good right there. (dips some more) Dip your back. Keep dipping it. (dips some more) Yeah, that´s good. Yeah, that´s good.

Grady Wilson: Every lovemaking technique here is a supercharged wallop for passion to your woman guaranteed to knock it out. First learn the basics, then you´ll be ready for more advance techniques like “The Peek a Boo”.

Caption: “The Peek a Boo”

Grady Wilson: OK, what you wanna do is get down in a football stance. (Grady turns his back to the camera and bends over, his head pops from between his legs) And you wanna go: “Peek a boo”! “Peek a boo”! “Peek a boo”!

Caption: “The you can´t hide from me”

Grady Wilson: Girl, you better come, come, get over here! (Grady runs in circles around the lounge chair) You can´t run from me! (Grady almost falls)

Caption: “The Bumble Bee”

Grady Wilson: “The Flight of the Bumble Bee” Bzzzz…(Grady flies around like a bee, arms pressed to his sides) Stinger! (pushes his pelvis forward) Bzzzzz….(again, pelvis forward) Stinger!

Grady Wilson: And if you´re feeling adventurous go to the extra section in the DVD for some of the craziest moves you´ve ever seen! Remember, this techniques are only for experts. Moves like “The Cannonball Run”.

Caption: “The Cannonball Run”

Grady Wilson: Yiah! (Grady is flat on his back, legs up, kicks up) Yiah! (kicks) Yiah! (kicks)

Caption: “The Getaway”

Grady Wilson: “The Getaway”. Where you goin´, girl? (Grady pulls one hand in front of the other like pulling on a rope) Where you goin´? (hops and pulls) Where you going, girl? (hops and pulls)

Caption: “The Stormin´ Normandy”

Grady Wilson: “The Stormin´Normandy” (Grady hides behind the lounge chair) Open up the U-Boat! (jumps from behind the chair and imitates a plane firing machine guns) Ratatatata! (hides and jumps back) Ratatatata! Ow! (pretends being wounded)

Caption: “The Gotcha!”

Grady Wilson: And “The Gotcha!” OK, now what you wanna do is you wanna put your lady about five paces away from you. Just like this lounge chair here. Then you wanna….(Grady moves out of camera range and comes running fast, jumps and lands on the lounge chair) Gotcha! Yeah! (bangs the chair) That´s good!

(Grady is very amused with himself)

Grady Wilson: Ha, ha, ha, ha! “The Gotcha!” So buy the DVD and get your marriage back where it belongs and get ready to knock it out. Call now.

Caption: Call now. 1-800-555-0199

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 7

08g: Ben Affleck / David Cook

Goodnights

…..Ben Affleck

Ben Affleck: Thanks to David Cook, Tina Fey, Sen. John McCain, Cindy McCain!

[ the camera pans back over to Coldplay ]

SNL Transcripts